Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Reflections of Bad Behaviour

The voice of the angry mob is often louder than the voice of reason, it shouts down reason with intimidation & wants immediate gratification. So please don't become a different angry mob, then we all lose.
..even more...

been thinking of how many views are being argued...

how the gov have done their job to create civil unrest...

how we may never know the full picture...

how intimidating some are in their calling for harsh punishment...

how we need to tackle the causes while healing the damage...

how the rule of the mob works...either way

how it is not as simple as good people against bad people...

how well this is working in further dividing us...

how it makes me want to say nothing for fear of being shouted at in a way...yes my most deep rooted fear that closed me down so much in my formative years, confrontation of the me being wrong & the other being right, no matter the truth. Often being that both were wrong and right. If we learnt things differently we may learn to deal with the things we bottle up that become aggression waiting to happen. The things that support that are being eroded. It is easy to blame those who have lost common decency, the rioters or the system that has created the right ingredients for people to lose hope, pride, dignity and be ultra reactive.

Just thinking of the video I posted a while ago by Russell Means about how America has become the reservations and I could see so has Britain. When you listen to the history of what happened to the American Indians and how crime became more normal a way of life for many. Civil unrest has been on the cards for a while, the hoodies are the Indians, alongside the disabled, ill, unemployed, low waged, single parents and any other scapegoats that get a turn in being blamed for all our countries ills and the cowboys are directed by the elite. Of course there is growing calls to scapegoat them too, even if many have been terribly greedy and badly behaved, claiming huge expenses when normal people are struggling, media playing their part too. Thing is the 'sides' are less easy to spot now. The resentments against others who appear to have an easier time are still gaining momentum for many.

There is propaganda and alienation between so many groups of people who would have stuck together in other generations. I don't mean offence to anyone, especially American/Canadian Indians, their history is a disgrace to Europe. Again the ordinary person was very much swayed by propaganda and the belief that was spread of the non human status of Indians, the savage that became then romanticised and demonised all at the same time. Without fully understanding the reality.

We make conclusions so quickly with minimum effort put into understanding it for the good of all.

We do know that fairness in a society tends to create better communities. Unfairness in vast proportions breaks them down.

What are we learning here?

Where do we go from here?

Will we lose the precious little of our rights to protest a little more through this?

Maybe the new youth centres will be detention centres, that will cut costs eh?

We were making progress in many little and large steps to make our country a better place for all but those have been swiped away so quickly in just over a year...and yes I know some of these things were already in place. Atos was already denying illness and disability in many who are struggling to survive. Although the first medical I had in 2009, the assessor understood my condition and treated me like a human being. It had changed drastically by June 2010. I don't know if I was just lucky the first time and that assessor is probably no longer working with them. The surprising ease with which they demonised people on benefits, almost especially those on sickness related ones was very frightening. The rise in hate crimes and intimidation of disabled and/or ill people also causing more stress related complications have added to this fear. I had a breakdown through it, which was a good thing in many ways because it reminded me of other abuse situations I have been in and I worked through my fears of worthlessness and frustrations of health issues, making peace within. It nearly destroyed me but it didn't. I don't look down on those it does, nor pity them. I have vast amounts of empathy for those who appear to fail. I know I have appeared to fail so many times but I am still alive and I can still love.

I'm not boasting about that fact although I could be a little indignant about it. It was hard to keep on loving when things went the way they did in so many areas of my life. It is also hard to hold resentments and pain from the past. I learnt how to let them go, piece by piece, little by little. So I may not know the exact pain others suffer but I know what pain is, physical, mental and emotional pain, repressed pain which always finds a way to come out, healthy or unhealthy.

I can still love and I intend to beam as much love as I can as far as I can. I will get better as I continue to work on my emotional well being and building my immune system back up. Wanting to live is an important thing. A few days ago I didn't want to live. I worked through the fears of never having any ease of joy again. I had a very good conversation that reminded me of what my goals are and gave me the ease to sleep upstairs last night, back downstairs tonight but breathing has been bad, emotional causes understood.

We all hit rock bottom in different ways, some sobbing, some robbing, some shutting down, some exploding. We all also manage rock bottom differently and come out of the phase either more wounded or more healed and often a bit of both.

What goes on in the turmoil of the self can be seen in the dramas we play out in our life stories, in the little picture and the bigger one. To be badly behaved there is fear, pain and anger being expressed in an unhealthy way. That goes for the bad behaviour at the top and the bottom.

So maybe we need to think about how we can be a healthy society, not merely a further repressed one?

Greed, anger, abuse, deceit, violence and other bad behaviour stems from fear, fear imprisons us if we let it. Literally when we don't manage it well and become more badly behaved, although some opinions are not agreed on what is bad behaviour as there are many in prison for arbitrary laws too.

this was just a bit of me thinking aloud...is it still allowed?!

I probably should revise it before posting here but I will maybe later! I just posted this on my facebook. As I chose a title for here I thought of reflections, as it is me reflecting upon the reflections of fractured society and how that reflects on us all. We could really do with more of us understanding a little of the psychology that we need for self realisation, which some find without help or understanding the principles but just naturally work with them but many struggle with. When we understand underlying reasons for things we can work on better behaviour and reactions to bad behaviour. We can step back and respond with deeper wisdom. Even so called stupid people can respond to the deeper wisdom that resides sometimes hidden within us all. People often sound stupid when they are behaving stupidly. We can all be stupid, we can all be ignorant, we can all offend, we can all be the worst expression of ourselves. We can all also be the best expression we can be.

We can also forgive and learn, not forget because our experience is with us till the day we die and beyond depending on what you believe.

Last time I went out of my house was 10 days after the time before. I saw the man who raped me. I had to walk past him to shop for essentials I had run out of. I didn't feel the fear, he was no longer a threat. It has taken me 17 years to get to that point. With better support I may have got there quicker. I still wouldn't deal with seeing the man who assessed me fit for work last year as well as that. I still have fear of being abused by the system again. I'm pretty sure I could 'make' the man who raped me pretty impotent if he tried it again and not by physical means, not that he is likely to. Words can work very well, so can laughter, in the right places. A tool of abuse is manipulating peoples fears, gaining their confidence or the confidence of onlookers to manipulate even more. A tool of healing I suppose is manipulating in ways yet it asks that we look at our fears and see where we use them as an excuse not to love something or someone, especially our own self.

Thursday, 9 June 2011

Another view of my progress and process...

my single bed downstairs, now I have comfort for when I can't go upstairs or can't sleep in my bed. also house now it hasn't got carpet after my son helped me take it up and clean the years of dirt from under it...found tiles throughout, they are not great but they are better than stinking dirty carpet. I am slowly making my home support my well being and have had to wait for windows of well being to do so...smiles...

Wednesday 9th June 2011 at 04.12 length 6.20

I must add these statements just made to the details of ze video shared here...

there is what could be called a gratuitous boob shot I didn't realise I was pointing the camera at my boobs!
but yeah I think it is pretty good apart from that!
and talking to my doggy all daft voice...lol
I'm clothed and wearing a bra as well....but boobs is boobs eh?!
I've fleshed out a bit the last few weeks...been skeletal for far too long!

I been tired but it does show lots of change...and me

having t'internet troubles posting things on facebook...so I tried this without mention of boobies in the title see if it would help I edited it out but it still kept the title when i tried to post so I am starting again same post....

Nothing To See Here!

Changing this as I posted it again and can't delete blogs....does anyone know how to delete a whole blog?!

Sunday, 5 June 2011

I Lost Everything And Keep Finding Me ~ GBE2 Lost & Found Week 3

I Lost Everything And Keep Finding Me
I thought I'd lost my mind from time to time
I was sure I lost my health along the way
Tentative hold on wealth slipped away
Oh the image of lack and woe
I held it as my story and wallowed in its glory
Forgetting my soul is always hunky dory
My heart was always beating
Shallow oxygen intake I was breathing
I saw the obstacles clearing in my way
I sighed relief between times of grief
Keep laughing at that absurd cosmic joke
Appreciate with my heart and soul
This divinity of life.
© Elaine Edwards 04.02 1st March 2011

A few weeks ago I felt part of the rebirth of GBE2 but things have been happening since then and although life events could have been used as the topic last week Success, I have not yet been able to participate. I had many triumphs which are  partially documented in word and video below. I am going to the doctor in a couple of hours. I don't expect he will be able to help me sort my physical health out, he isn't as equipped as we tend to think doctors are. But I do need my physical problems recorded as other wise I am just making it up according to atos (unnum I think they were in America) the illness and disability deniers as they have become known to those who are being inappropriately declared fit for work. This isn't a blog about my struggles with them, the tribunal and consequent wait to be put in the reassessment phase again. That can wait. This is about me finding my health again, my well being. Not about the added difficulties they put in the mix by increasing stress and potential fear of not being safe. I had post trauma stress come up through that last year. I am learning to deal with it. It is a while huge tangent that I will go back to explore another time.

I have been transitioning as such. I had to move out of my middle room that has been like my birthing place for years, my womb where I feel safe, even with the ceiling crumbling and dropping little bits and spiders on me from time to time. I'd had pain in my hands, knees and fingers for weeks, elsewhere too just not as harsh as those. Then the ear infection just days after my birthday and feeling good about the progress I was making. I had to take painkillers, I couldn't relax ear pain away or avoid using them as much as possible like with my fingers, resting them when I had typed too much, opened a jar, held a cup, written or sketched. Ear pain was not to be ignored. I used some ear spray I had for emergencies from when i had ear infections almost constantly. A couple of days into it I discovered my fingers were not hurting or my knees, although I was a bit wobbly, hot cold etc, I didn't feel as bad in other ways than I often do. My breathing was marvellous and the fatigue wasn't as pervading as it had been even while fighting an infection that raged on. So I managed to move into a new space in the front room. I have called it my holiday in the front room, my restoration space, also not sure if it is the birth canal or nursery! I am resting, working through stuff, expressing, had visitors more than usual, been out once to shop and visit friends, it was the first time I had gone out alone since a few days before my birthday and being taken out 24th May. I have made the space pretty as well as I can and set it up with all my notes handy for when I feel able to start writing my book. It will be better when I can replace the temporary put me up bed with a single bed.

A week of using the ear spray had sorted the pain side of the ear to a certain extent and doctor was already booked so the hassle of trying to get a 5 min emergency appointment and feel rushed and have to go back for another appointment was not appealing. I started the olive oil treatment, thrush had taken hold, oh joy! As I tailed off using painkillers the pain came back in my hands with a bit of a vengeance. I have felt like I've been standing on them all day or clinging on to a tightrope for dear life. At any rate although my right index finger is actually quite comfortable with typing holding anything is not much good for it. I can't bend it very far today, that grip has got less effective, improved and got worse again. I'm trying bicarbonate of soda to help the pain after researching a bit about that and rheumatoid arthritis, which is pretty much what this feels like, although it sporadically has come and gone and the cfs/fibromyalgia seems to be pretty interlinked or related.

Since 31st May when I moved into my new space I have slept here, I've watched telly up on my bed a few times, so I have still ventured upstairs but I am expanding my horizons and keeping some comfort zone of the downstairs as well. I'm probably not explaining this very well I have been awake since about 4am (it is now 7.38am) I'd slept 5 hours after being awake for 5 hours and disrupted sleep for 10 hours before that. Sleeping in this space means I can just sleep when the feeling of need is strong and wake up when I wake and sleep again when it comes and not worry so much about the timing being conventional. It is part of allowing myself the space to heal and find my well being. I am giving myself permission to be lost and found. I am losing myself in finding me and one day I won't need to beg for the right to live, even though I am not functioning well enough to fit into society in an obvious useful way. I won't go into details but I know me being me has helped a few people this last couple of weeks to keep on trucking towards being them, there has been some intense sharing that is not for public sharing...smiles

I know I would make a damn good counsellor or advocate for people with so called hidden disability, pain can be seen in the face and pale complexion sometimes but it can also be ignored. We who hold pain can ignore it to a certain extent but we also have to deal with what it is that causes these symptoms, what is it that our body is screaming out at us to pay attention to? I am doing my best to work through holistically. I am thinking I need to change the chemical balance a little more with diet eliminating things that cause pain and swelling. I am a little reluctant to do that. I will in time, just got to get through this next step on the way to my well being, can;t do it all in one go, each step helps even if it seems totally backwards...

I had no idea where this would go and if I would flow but I seem to have, just have to read it again if and when I am less cloudy and fluffy. I've been meditating and somehow my dog made a video come up that was relevant today. I have so much to share but then so do we all and there isn't always time...I don't know how my week will progress but it will all be my process of life and my progress towards clearning the clutter of my life from within and in my surroundings...I was meaning to put clearing but cleaning also wanted to be in there so the word has become combined! Woah I nearly lost all this then I pressed return to list of posts by accident instead of publish, thanking the do you really want to do that option!

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Documenting My Process Progress With Love

My, my, I am expressive at the moment. 3 videos in the last hour or so, 1 on my camera that takes over an hour to upload, while uploading the one I am adding here to youtube. I am finding typing a bit strenuous but want to share, even if no-one else wants to, it is here. Some people pass silently through getting something or nothing from stuff I share. I get deeper inner peace and hope it guides those who are needing it insights of how to reach theirs, some of my methods work for many. I don't mind. I don't mean to cause offence but being me does to some. tis the same as us all, our cultures rage in wars and peace with each other just as our psyche does. I am an observer and participant in my own life, it seems the only way I can find well being is to go with my flow and my flow is very cleansing and healing at the moment, not without pain but I am in a phase of transformation...smiles

Good For What could Be Felt Bad

Already lost track of what I managed to say on this video. I felt at this 3rd attempt to document my progress which I share because others have asked me to keep doing but mainly for myself. Not sure which video I said that in now. I felt that this had lost and gained from the other two attempts and I expressed how for me the conditions I am living in today affect me.

I am doing so well, flowing with what energy I have in each moment, pushing it to test my limits but not too far, it feels. Like learning to walk a tightrope, sure we had a conversation about that yesterday. I am swollen in places, the painkillers are masking some of my bodies messages so I can blunder on and pay different prices it could seem to do things. I am gearing up for a major meditation or maybe just a series of them...

It is funny how things happen, how sets of circumstances and emotions surrounding them lead things to synchronise, things we try to avoid that we need to look at find other ways to make us. I am at the moment going through a huge change in physical and psychological, spiritual maybe whatever, I am changing and moving forward. I don't know where it is leading me but the flow is rushing me to my dreams, it isn't easy  y any means but I am enjoying the ride and making peace with the pain...expressing this is bringing a sense of peace with it so deep. I will meditate now.

Thursday 2nd June 2011 at 21.50 length 18.26
This as I say is the 3rd attempt at recording my progress the first I totally botched up early this morning I think, 2nd I didn't realise how long I had been recording and at 30.18 minutes long I don't think I'd be able to upload it. I noticed when I wrote in my book cataloguing most of my more recent videos I did at 20.50. My head is pounding as I write this at 22.18, same day.

It took 3 attempts to add this video and at 23.58 the time was being shown to me everywhere. I pikced my phone up to see if it was ready for me to try and text, hard with pudgy painful fingers, harder even than typing or writng. It was also the time showing as last draft saved. I pondered what to do as my food is burning...oh damn yes my food is burning.......

.....saved it, phew. Dog wants something, probably my cooking food. I made mince yesterday and putt some in fridge and cooked some for me and my friend with the rest of the wholemeal spaghetti I had. I put some in the pan and left it on 3 with the buzzer, which I didn't hear as it is further away and my ears are a bit clogged, as if I have just got off a plane or from underwater in varying degrees at the moment. I added some water, it had only just started burning in a small bit of the pan where the non stick has worn away, note to self really needs new set of pans, maybe it would be worth the investment. Essentials are not always taken care of. Side-tracked. I then went to the fridge and looked at it wondering why I was there, was it the right place to get whatever it was I intended to get, yes it was the tub of spaghetti, which will be edible once heated in with the mince, not ideal but good enough and better than burning or getting it right something in the oven and remembering or not to turn the oven off. I'm not even going to worry about it, I am transitioning and I will be able to meet every need somehow at the right moment, either that or I am heading for a flippin big fall. I've fallen so many times, thought it was going to finish me this time. It hasn't....so far....grins, what is to suppose it will next time? Fluck it innit? Enjoy what I have now, be genuinely me, express, love and heal my psyche, it's quite a full time job of it's own.

I love life and I love expressing and I don't mind if no one is listening....I am and I am growing into love, compassion and inner tranquillity. No wonder some think I have it easy, I get to feel free and wonderful while they move ever further away from their own well being and no-one wants to end up like me....

00.24 I sit down with my meal, it is hot but looks appetising to me and I am very hungry. I was going to add something else but I can't remember and I think eating is most important right now....smiles

Now 01.33 have eaten, interacted with a few people in the time delay way of fb and am trying to upload photos. Typing has been pushing it somewhat but I have taken more pain killers and added this video as well...

Me, Myself & I
Good grief how do I explain this one? You'll either have to watch it or not...whatever happens I needed to share...smiles x

2nd June 2011 at 23.21 length 9.02

I haven't even seen this maybe I will watch before I add! I changed the screen shot but I wasn't dealing well with light shining on me in this one and it isn't really very flattering but then not many are...

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

The Challenge Before the Triumph

I forgot to upload these in order so this and next one are from before the two before this one....confused you may be but I am even more! I did this one in bed at the start of an ear infection and talking about thoughts I had for shaving my hair to a no 1 in protest at the system...I am not sure now if I will or if I will shave it for the next assessment....who knows...

26th May 2001 20.17  3.17 long

I wasn't at all well so forgive me for muttering, forgetting what I was saying and stuff...

27th May 2011 at 08.50  length 12.32

I still need to have a good talk through about the proposed hair shave. I talk about what I felt it would achieve for me in the 2nd video. I was well below par so not very cheery I am sorry. As an energy thing our hair is said to hold the emotions and energies of what we have gone through for the past few years depending on how long it is. This is often an unconscious reason we sometimes cut our hair really short at the end of something we have been unhappy in or that has made us suffer in any way. We wash men or things outta our hair and cutting it off is a bigger statement of change and the chance of new beginnings...I can't say right now what way it will turn out but I would certainly like to cut out energies of feeling abused by the benefit system, metaphorically, energetically and physically. I will probably not look hot with short hair like I did when I did it for charity and before I got ill and lost my skin to acne and roscea (sp grr at having conditions I find hard to spell!!!)

 Adam was lovely....

Many people don't like the idea of me going through all that again, but I wouldn't have it bleached again, that is what caused the asthma attack and meds to save my life caused this and long term illness.

It would be in honour of this and surviving it and a serious goodbye to all that struggle energy as I enter a new phase of my life....well the intention is there and I am making as many steps towards it as I can...who knows what will happen, I could be hit by a bus tomorrow....mind it would probably have to crash through my front window!

A Triumph

Sat in the fumes of automatic washing liquid and dog wee and not feeling absolutely awful I started moving to my new spot, as I find it hard to stop I did far too much. This isn't a happy video, it is a triumph and the taste of ammonia and washing chemicals are on my tongue as I type. So now at 03.01 as I have eased off on the pain, I am going to make myself a cup of tea or two...clean cups this time as a treat!

Sigh I Don't Know What To Call This...I keep coming up with titles Carpets & Doing What I Can When i Can...nah...it is now 03.48 and it is still 98% processed, hope it finishes sometime, or maybe I will have to upload again...

31st May 2011 at 02.42    7.37 long

I did reload...After A Struggle

As the day went on I rested, meditated, expressed a bit, thought about expressing, forgot what i was doing several times, and pottered. It is so nice being able to even at the end of a ear infection, well it is seeping a thick puss now, may have thrush, so may have to go to docs sooner, but can probably wait till my appointment Monday. I have got two videos I did after my birthday and when the ear infection started I don't think I have uploaded them yet, but I will. It doesn't matter that they will be in the wrong order as such.

My breathing is doing really well at the moment but then so are my emotions. Not only have I been visiting old memories as I search through the stuff, found 2 valentine cards from my daughter that she made for me when she was young and all sorts of other memories but it is clearing of debris from a long painful time of illness and rejection. In the past it has stirred up all sorts of emotional responses and more difficulty physically. I am hormonal as well, which I had not known was on it's way, so maybe also why I was so emotional a few days ago, although infection can do that too. I have made peace with so much of the pain of my past and present and who knows what will come in the future. All I can do is keep working through it all and surrendering to what is in each now, without trying to make it what I thought would make me happy. I am preparing to write my half developed book. I've been preparing for years!

I am so pleased with the progress I am making and less overwhelmed at the enormity of the task still ahead. This zed bed isn't as comfy as a proper single bed so i will still be going out to get one when I feel able to. I haven't been out under my own steam for nearly two weeks I think it is but I did get taken to the Chinese for my birthday last Tuesday which was nice and I have seen friends who visited Sat, so I haven't been totally isolated. I don't know how long this good phase will last but I am making the most of it and listening to my body to not push myself over the limit. This time of the year seems to be the time I have made great leaps of progress.

One day I will catch up and only have normal maintenance to take care of when able. And one day I am determined I will be well enough to go out and sell my work and earn a living again.

31st May 2011 at 16.43 12.48 long

The Epic Move To The Front Room

Monday, 23 May 2011

How Can We Help & Be Helped

The day before my birthday is often a time for angst, it has been different this year, more reminiscent of 2007 when I was doing well and decided to go to Turkey on my own a couple of weeks later. I can't do that at the moment due to health and wealth or lack of it, even if I could I haven't got a passport. And there is another tangent. I am full of them today but it may be worth wading through the shit to find the gem in this one...I think...I may be wrong!

08.51 Monday, 23rd May 2011 ~ 11.56 long

Sunday was a very big day working on my psyche and my right to be a human being treated with dignity even though I am unable to support myself adequately enough to work and pay tax. Part of that was putting a lot of films into the video player that works downstairs.

so I may not have paid attention but they have done what they need including the good cry at the end of the last film, always made me cry! Started with this making me want to watch. I didn't actually sit and watch them properly but it has been different to sitting in silence apart from the humming in my ears and occasional youtube. I am low on broadband availability and so trying not to youtube...I have caught favourite bits of all the films and laughed and cried in a few appropriate places...while working through some of my stuff and writing about what it is to be ill and especially in this era with the draconian attitudes and seeming cruelty through ignorance or deliberate tends to dominate far more than I want it to but like getting through post trauma stress before, I do know I am doing well quicker each time i go through major trauma. I wonder if they in the atos would ever understand that....

Accidental Hero
It could Happen To you
Train Spotting
Match Maker
When Harry Met Sally....about to start...
Blues Brothers

I commented here...


and here...


and i wrote more about my sleep disorder as I work through the issues I am working through now on my facebook


Saturday, 21 May 2011

It Can Be Disappointing ~ Is That Why I Am Moaning?!

Elaine Edwards 21 May at 08:39
I think if you are blocking other people's energy then that makes you an empath who is blocking!

I did a charity hair cut in nov 2003 for a girl I was giving reiki to who was terminally ill, the hair dresser bleached my no 5 hair before she dyed it purple, I had an asthma attack due to the bleach and was put on steroids, then I started getting every infection going, the girl and the guy I met through the charity thing both had leukaemia died Feb 2004 I went to 3 funerals of 3 special people in 6weeks. I ended up in and out of hospital developing ever worsening cystic acne, that was pretty hard to come to terms with as I looked like a burns victim and it was painful as well....basically my immune system was killed off and I still had worse asthma symptoms than ever in my life and then the chronic fatigue started taking over as main symptom and fibromyalgia. I also went through panic attacks, another bout of ptsd (went through that in different ways due to rape at 18, unhappy marriage 19-29, rape 31, loss of family due to them losing respect for me, partly due to me going out with some younger men although I don't know all their reasons, loss of family unit which broke down under the strain of me being dangerously ill quite often with no other support physically than them when they were 15 & 18, having to give up on my self employment, ear infections (I had eczema and thrush in my ears and kept infecting them scratching. I stopped getting them so much when a doctor prescribed olive oil!), candida overgrowth, agoraphobia and the old insomnia! I have thoroughly researched feeling awful!

Don't forget when we 'heal' someone, we are really only ever being a facilitator for that person to heal themselves. 

I was told before I knew what I was doing quite naturally that I am a bit like a sponge and I mop up denser energies from places and around people just by being me and being open, too open I am often told. Being me the only way I know how to be and I have learnt/am learning to deal with being me in a world where there is quite a lot of density. I call it density because the way I am beginning to understand it, I prefer to call it light and heavy rather than light and dark! I have met very dense energy at times as well. Actually this is me redefining what I think of who I am, or who I think I am! I do this a lot really but I have been going through some massive changes and still in the old energies in ways of thinking about some things.

Bit by bit I was taught and developed for my individual needs grounding practises, cleansing practises,  letting go of that which does not belong to me, meditation and the realisation that we are what we think. I said for a long long time that nothing matters and it all matters. I am understanding that more as I live it in practise. I would get upset if things didn't go my way and focus on the upset and disappointment. I did have things massively not going my way, so I had been doing things rather out of kilter for many years to create that. Of course it is easy to stay in the hurt and pain of the things that happened to me. That is how so many of us are taught to be in so many ways. It wasn't easy learning to let go and move on rather than try to blunder on ignoring the things that hurt.

I noticed how so much person centred therapy is very much like spirituality. Recently I have read more about Jung and recognise a lot of similar experience. Although I can't remember it now, my capacity to retain large amounts of info is less than it has been and will be again.

I have seen people after they died and thought I was destined to be a medium, as I also counselled a few to move on from being earthbound. If I saw every spirit as clearly as I saw my granddad and a brother of someone once close to me and telepathically communicated with them I would do it, although i do understand that it doesn't usually work like that even for very gifted people. I think I could have trained to do that but maybe it isn't my highest ability. I sometimes feel like I am doing nothing, the propaganda against the 'workshy' has got to me at times. I know in this time I am doing things that are not valued by those who don't understand and valued by those who appreciate having me in their lives in whatever capacity. I've made peace with that. I am making peace with all my greatest fears. The thing it all boils down to is fear of disappointment and anguish. I am also I guess dealing with the fear and disappointment I am viewed with (or the love) and the fears I have created through my experience of being disappointing to others and them disappointing me.

I went off on one there...I may well share this...smiles

Am I Moaning?

I do find it quite overwhelming sometimes, all that I need to do and the little i can do at a time, never knowing quite how bad the payback will be but knowing how awful it can be and how it can also be better than I thought and I can keep doing a little more. One of the reasons I find it hard to get these jobs done is also because I want to keep going, like I would have done when I could do....as I type this is it just over 5 hours later and I have had a bath and feel reasonably okay. I am ready for sleep now. It is 11.15am...like I said earlier...

I'm round the bend
Back to front
Down to earth
Head in the clouds
My soul in mirth...
Wednesday 18th May 2011 11am

Thinking about it I started recording the videos because of the nature of invisible illness as such and to record the effects of unpredictable cyclic symptoms that culminate in a life where even ability to go to a regular appointment to help my condition is impossible more often than is good for me. Socialising is curtailed far more than i would like, although I have learnt to love and need a fair amount of isolation or solitude times. It was not easy when I started recording but in the last year it has got decidedly worse.

I felt bad while I was recording the video that it isn't upbeat and there isn't really much giggle factor to it...not even the fact I have a face pack on ready for my bath. I was quite flat when I recorded it, even though I was at the tail end of a not so bad pain cycle from doing the work, which wasn't as bad as when I took the cushions off and bunged them in the washing machine. I was forgetting to put more focus on what was going well than what was not so uplifting in my life. When life has lots of challenges that have been stacked against us for a long time it is easier to see the difficulty and harder to find the positive but even more vital to.

19th May 2011 04.51 length 9.02

I have linked to this one the video of my dog burrowing which forced me to tackle the job sooner than I felt comfortable doing, that was all early hours of Thursday morning, since then I have been pretty useless in terms of physical ability..

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

After Meditation After Slump

Today has been quite a day. I feel much better and am hoping to have a bath even though I couldn't have a clean bed today. Tonight I will be hugging my pillow dreaming dreams of clean beds and things like that...it doesn't take much to make me happy really.

Had a lovely conversation on the phone with a lovely friend and am now in a face mask waiting for her to ring back after the break for teas and wees and to not go over the hour...smiles

Created 10-05-2011 at 18.20
5.55 long

having a spate of videoing this one is probably quite more boring to many than others...I don't really know why I do this in some ways. It is partly a record of how I am doing for myself. After being declared fit for work and knowing that the tests are unfair and that I am due going through the process again soon even though I haven't had the ESA reinstated yet and won the tribunal the last Thursday in March.....and breathe! Oh yeah and I am wearing a face mask too...I may not be proud but dignity doesn't depend on perfection.

Back to the plot! I was just watching a video I am not sharing of me meditating and was thinking of those who would think I am mad, or weird or crazy or just eccentric or actually doing quite well considering the life I have experienced. I was thinking I am remarkably sane for the insanity of abuse and pain I have suffered. I know my suffering has been far less than some but it has also been far worse than probably average...although it is not a competition to have suffered and got through it well or not so well...life is a big thing and like a quote I saw the other day far too important to take too seriously...I love the fact I can find if not joy and bliss, a little peace in any chaos or emotional storm...


11-05-2011 at 01.19
 6.47 long

Now going to go and have that bath, it is 03.37 and I am still in the face mask...

Slump Before Meditation Maybe Coming Next

I just had a meditation after putting this video to upload. Forgive me my brain and body are not doing so well at the moment or at least my cognation and inflamed joints, worst affected are fingers and thumbs. So typing this is hurting me. Yesterday I had pain but not as severe and not muscle as well as joints. I allowed myself to feel sorry for myself in this video I didn't know what I would do as I have slumped today.

After yesterday singing and recording for the hardest hit thing this week and feeling pretty elated I have come down with a heavy body today. So I guess it is quite okay for me to feel a little upset by this. I am laughing a little as I write this, even though I am fully aware of the pain and tension, which is now draining and building back up. I did a little meditation, there will be more but for me this is all part of the process as well. We all have our own ways and none of us can try using the wrong ones for us without feeling worse. Like if I was made to go at a pace that suits the person trying to make me better's liking rather than the pace that actually suits me and helps me find my well being even if it isn't complete and my pounding head and throbbing body are saying all is not well.

I will more than likely do a follow on later this afternoon.

Eesh my tea went cold it is now 15.39 Tuesday 10th May 2011. Video was created 15.12 and is 8.19 mins long.

This is what I wrote on the video. It is now 15.57 as I write this. I've been walking about the house like an old woman, or maybe like one whose legs feel like rubber and who loses balance easy. A few times my knee locked backwards and when there is a tendency for that I keep my knees looser if I can. I am still releasing more tension than I realised had built up. I am getting some help some time today. I won't be able to do as much as I would have liked or could have done yesterday or Sunday. It will all happen in it's own time.

I was thinking about if pain didn't build up both physically and emotionally then we wouldn't bother attending to it at all. So why is the pain building? I want to escape the cruel system that is affecting all ill and disabled people. I have come to terms in many ways of the abusive way of the system. I don't like them but I know that by really allowing them to hurt me I have to hurt myself through them. That is the way of a bully and abused relationship. The fear factor is the most damaging thing, because no matter how badly a victim is treated the fear of it is worse. I could get out of the system if I can sell my house. I would need to make sure I had about 3 years maybe of being able to pay rent, fuel, food, etc. I think properly supported, that is in a decent house with adequate heating, good food and no huge money worries or fears of being made destitute I could maybe even be well enough to go self employed and be selling my work. The state of the house and the current climate means it may not be enough. I will try and investigate if i stay in a pattern of sleeping in the night. I know why I can't sleep at night. I don't want to face the thought of selling my home, the place I feel safest, even if the roof leaks and the rest of the ceiling could fall any time....it's only been like that for 5 years, I'll be fine!

Monday, 9 May 2011

Is This The Way to Treat Disabled?

for hardesthit...it felt good to sing these...mind it feels good to only have pain and to be able to breathe...smiles

Is this the way to treat disabled?
Struggling to put food on the table
Dreaming dreams of being able
And Dignitas that waits for me
Show me the way to being able
Take my pain and let me be able
Wipe my arse and make me stable
Its Dignitas that waits for me

When the day is dawning,
On a miserable Monday Morning
Atos want me to be there
To deny me freedom and care
Each disabled person
In a lonely flat
Ain't as half as healthy
As Atos claim they're at.

Is this the way to treat disabled?
Struggling to put food on the table
Dreaming dreams of being able
And Dignitas that waits for me
Show me the way to being able
Take my pain and let me be able
Wipe my arse and make me stable
Its Dignitas that waits for me

Verse 2;
There's a church bell ringing
Its a song of doom that its singing
For the sick and disabled
The Atos guy is coming to see them
Just beyond reason
There's a government deed
To remove our benefit
And increase all our need

Is this the way to treat disabled?
Struggling to put food on the table
Dreaming dreams of being able
And Dignitas that waits for me
Show me the way to being able
Take my pain and let me able
Wipe my arse and make me stable
Its Dignitas that waits for me

Que Sera, Sera

for hardesthit

When I was just a little girl
 I asked my mother, "What will I be?
Will I be healthy, will I be well?"
 Here's what she said to me
"Que Sera, Sera
Ask the DWP
They judge your ability
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be"

As I grew older, the sicker I got
I asked my sweetheart, "What lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows, day after day?"
Here's what my sweetheart said

"Dont talk daft to me
Neglect and poverty
Is the future for you, you see,
Que Sera, Sera
 What will be, will be"

Now I'm neglected and all on my own
 I ask society, "What will I be
Will I be costly, scrounger or worse?"
Those words have been said of me.

"Que Sera, Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, you see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be"

Thursday, 28 April 2011

Who is Allowed Dignity?

I may write some more here at some point or I may just do that in comments...I'm feeling like there is something changing, a change about to come, a breakthrough, I keep also finding that happy place within with all being as is...

<iframe width="425" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/K9IxnSwtePQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Argh I had the link here and added words to the bottom and it disappears I am not a big fan of technology and it's annoying habits...may have sorted it...in case anyone looks :o)

Do I have depression?
No but I guess it plays a part chicken and egg, I pretty much lost my immune system when I was busy nearly dying in 2004. I wasn't careless it was by following doctors orders after an allergic reaction to bleach in a charity hair cut incident. Medication killed my fragile immune system and did it's best to break me with bad skin and ugliness, especially in the first couple of years, this was along side many other factors...so I became the saga of my story titled ~ wounded healer...something the really inquisitive and stubborn go on...oh as in journey things...or phases or as I like to call them extreme research times...I've quite thoroughly personally researched many health conditions and post traumatic issues, therapy mainly administered by self as no-one knows how to deal with emotions in rational ways these days, it takes a bit of irrationality to work out how to best avoid doctors and their medications and keep as healthy as I can, or at least keep my mental well-being tended to.

Before that I was a single parent who did an art degree, working part time through out. I had a life and a social personality, far more autonomy over my life. I went back to college after a divorce and a rape and finally had access to counselling, which I talked about and inspired many of the youngsters to go while they had the opportunity. After my degree I went on to do counselling skills courses, which I would have topped up with the diploma had I not been too ill to attend the place I secured.

I was self employed as an artist/craftsperson/Reiki master/budding writer...aspiring counsellor.

I also know that it has been a needed process, which I don't resent, even though it has been really quite vile at times. I have faced so many of my fears...and I am still here, laughing and joking and enjoying the best things of life, which is the ability to love and be love...and throw huge pity parties when it all gets too much, cry, laugh and get through it again and again, which is why it gets a tad tedious when I am considered to be lazy and fit for work, cos if I was I would be out there, earning in the many ways I know how to. I am glad it has changed to tedious, I didn't enjoy the time it felt like a personal attack on not only me but illness and human needs when we find ourselves in times like these. The safety net is very fragile and not necessarily going to catch you without injuring you more.

I recently said....

I don't want to fight for the right to be ill.
I want to be supported towards my well being.
Which means being treated with compassion rather than suspicion.
Encouraged and rewarded, not bullied and punished.

I keep my passion burning bright and with lessening fear it will bring me back to life. I have faith in life, even against all odds. I believe I have a right to live.

And breathe!

Friday, 15 April 2011

A World of Massdebaters ~ Why

A World of Massdebaters ~ Why
Why do we massdebate who is right who is wrong
Christianity and some other religions have the answers in a book
Others argue the only answers are in logic and science that there is no God
There are ones who know they don't know all the answers but know there's more
Are you right with books or science or inner knowing are you wrong
Oh my God you may be wrong
What would that mean
Hell for you
Is it true
I don't think so
You have the right
To believe as you do
To question or follow blind
The real absolute truth
Will only be known
When you are dead
And you may well find
It wasn't what you thought
But that's okay
It really didn't matter
The time wasted
Arguing getting cross
Could be better spent
If you masturbate instead
It's not a sin it's a way to joy
Fabulous shared with a loved one
In the end can we comprehend
The simple complex matter
If the truth we seek
Leaped at our feet
Would we walk all over it
My belief and yours
May be opposing because
We each are free to think if not to express
When we try to force our view to be held true
We just become divided
That is not humanistic or religious
Can't we agree to disagree
Discuss what we think is true
Now who is it who wants this war
To conquer all to their view
Why not come in peace stop this superiority
You are just a human being
Stop mocking others for their belief
Stop thinking you are right
We all are wrong we all are right
We all have our own way
Not a person on this earth understands all the mystery
So give up the fight to be completely right
Play life your way what works for you
It's fine to discuss and share your point of view
Respect each other's folly
For your folly is just as great
Life is sort of what you belief it to be
But the truth will find you in the end.
© Elaine 3.21pm 31:08:08

Sunday, 10 April 2011

This Applies to DLA & ESA ~ Who Is My Enemy

The more I fight my enemy
The more I give it power
Ruling my experience
Pervading all my thoughts
Intruding most every day
Interrupting joyful play
It attacks me from within
The more that I surrender
To love, to self to dreams
I find my own well being
My enemy attacks again
I let the fear take power
Love, loves fear and love
Fear, fears love and fear
The paradox I find
The war is in my mind
Destruction clearly seen
In the way my life appears
My enemy is me.

Elaine Edwards 03.21 Monday 11th April 2011

It's quite annoying really! I have to make peace with the way it is or I will let them kill me and by doing that I will let myself die by letting their fear and loathing trigger my own inner battles. It has nearly worked before I don't want to give the 'enemy' the power to destroy me, those who are doing their best to take from the poor to give to the rich, those who would see much of humanity kept weak in fear to suit their own agenda. Thank gawd I have back up, I have love and people who would not see me starve or freeze to death. I have hope and I have dreams of better care for all...

How afraid must they be to be so greedy? 
How afraid must they be to be so cruel?

I don't want to have to fight for the right to be ill.
I want support towards my well being.
Which means being treated with compassion rather than suspicion.
Encouraged and rewarded, not bullied and punished.
I am learning to be kinder to myself and not perpetuate any of those things inside me...

Monday, 28 February 2011

Triumphant Bath of The Great Unwashed.

love with human kinds present in life is a release into the dream state where all things are possible...or something along those lines...smiles
 I am so looking forward to the luxury of my nice clean bed and a clean body....it's been a week, I hope I don't reek...too bad...smiles

Feeling the pull of the enveloping warm waters and it doesn't feel unsafe in any way...which is nice and a bit of a damn fine miracle, I am patting myself on the back for not holding association and perpetuating the real danger a bath can and has been. I may be being a little foolish sharing this because the energy of being close to the veil of death has been a part of my bath time experience more times than i care to remember, so being able to enjoy the luxurious feeling of water and cleaning skin is a triumph not everyone ever need to find. We can take so much for granted and today I am looking forward to taking advantage of being able to take that basic function for granted! The fact my bed already awaits made for me further empowers me towards an ordinary goal so often too far from my reach...and that my friends is beautiful.

Smiles...off I go to get soaked in water, that comes so easily to me through my taps...I am soooo lucky to have that.
'And what you thought was lost was just mislaid' ~ Some People ~ Seventh Tree ~ Goldfrapp
I thought I'd lost my mind from time to time
I was sure I lost my health along the way
Tentative hold on wealth slipped away
Oh the image of lack and woe
I held it as my story and wallowed in its glory
Forgetting my soul is always hunky dory
My heart was always beating
Shallow oxygen intake I was breathing
I saw the obstacles clearing in my way
I sighed relief between times of grief
Keep laughing at that absurd cosmic joke
Appreciate with my heart and soul
This divinity of life.
© Elaine Edwards 04.02 1st March 2011  

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Is Ignorance Sublime

Is ignorance sublime
hiding from time
understanding reason
experience we bleed in
finding understanding
hard work so tiring
facing all our demons
find they too are fearful
tis why they seem so evil
the opposite of live
worries of past and future
stop us living Now
hold on to pain
what is there to gain
which one is the brave
ignorant or wise
truth it is them both
I send you all my love
if you will stay afraid
not face the big divide
if you fight the fight
I admire new found light
if your light is in the dark
I hope you find your spark
I will shine my light
I will find my delight
attract more light
but what of the moth?
© Elaine Edwards 01.53 4th July 2010

An old one...but think I needed to remind myself...
and one that went before this one...

Life is what you perceive it to be
I could just say it's shit
but then I would be lyin
Cos I'm not sat here dyin
I'm learning how to live
a being made of love
it's all just what we make it
so careful what you think
yet think with gay abandon
away from false belief
this is where we find
heart of the matter
matter of the heart
what is matter
particles and dust
what's the matter
I see my life unfold
not all a pretty picture
some parts quite divine
all through my perception
whaich changes all the time
the more I love all that is
the more I feel sublime.
© Elaine Edwards 04.39 29th June 2010

Monday, 21 February 2011

I'm in Reflective Mode...

Elaine Edwards
In bed, I sometimes forget almost what a triumph just being able to go upstairs n go to bed. There have been weeks at a time when I haven't been able to climb those stairs. I could hold so much resentment, I still feel a twinge of it when I look at things that have happened and backs that have turned. I forgot their were visitors this weekend. Lots of anniversaries and reflections at this time of year for me and others who matter to me, whether or not we speak. Then anniversaries of anniversaries when some things happened that connected to past that I hadn't even realised the date that yr of 2006. I also realised I'm very sensitive to the fact I am offensive to some just for being me and that can suddenly happen at any time even after years of being considered wonderful or 'ok, I spose!'  It's ok, still hurts when it happens but that's life. My only constant companion is me and I'm not that bad even if loved one's decide I'm not wanted around. I wouldn't change who I am for anyone. I wouldn't expect anyone to change who they are for me. We can always change how we are being but the fundamental who we are never changes, the pure essence of any human being is love, it depends how we deal with the shite life throws at us that determines how we are behaving, then perceptions of that determines other peoples opinions. Which are like bottyholes except we only have one solid waste disposal exit and the excrement that can be opinion may be many and varied, including mine. Don't know how to do gaps on mobile. Need a new copy of Benny and Joon, this one is freezing in same places again. Having subtitles on isn't helping this time. Cough, cough, splutter, splutter I'm starting to wonder if the fact tea is tasting foul and of milk no matter how little I put in is not just the milk no the turn, got a yuk taste in my mouth that isn't going away. Oh well in grand scheme of things it's no biggy. May be able to sleep now can at least meditate...
15 hours ago Monday 21st February, 2011 at 07.22

Elaine Edwards
Just wrote a particularly bad poem then thought more and cried sobbed let out some deep pain. I'm very tired and hoped I'd be asleep by now. I started thinking of trying to stay awake all day as well as night to get my sleeping back in order but I'm more likely to make of ill. At times like there I just have to surrender to my flow, which has no notice of a timetable indeed trying to enforce one can set me back lots. I still don't find surrendering to the unknown and uncertain less comforting than following a regular pattern. I'd far prefer to fit in a pattern and have assumed security of health and ability to self care, support myself using my talents and be able to partake in fun as well. I'd have loved to have been able to dance Sat night and be vibrant. It was a massive triumph to just get there and keep finding seating. Oh yeah wasn't intendin to say all that just a bit...this is what I was going to say.....I am tempted to come down to write a blog. That is silly it can wait, it is already written, just offer typing. . Am tired, I have expressed enough for now to be able to surrender to sleep, I hope. All pain is forgotten in dreams it gives up the release we need to keep carrying on another day. With hand cramps making a new fashion statement on my body i'll leave it here, let in also clenched jaw.. X
14 hours ago ·  08.56

Elaine Edwards
oh good grief, predictive text on the phone and I in instead of go and all sorts of other things...offer = needs

Been an emotional day, well evening only been awake 3 hours...

Think I messed up on what I was trying to say about learning to make peace with... the uncertainty, while still preferring the illusion of security, it isn't as comforting to know life may have a surprise in any moment or it may not. Even if my life appeared stable it could change in an instant or over the course of time....just thinking of Geoff in Coupling how he often says 'in the course of events' and then some outrageous thing such as jewellery getting swallowed...ah one of those crying, smiling, and laughing days. I'd love company but I guess I am kinda better left alone, I smell anyway for one thing and much as I would like a bath not up to it by myself...

wrote this elsewhere...
Elaine Edwards I bet you are right R :o)

I've had many challenges to my self esteem, not feeling like I fit in, bits of abuse, illness and the way society treats groups that are struggling the most through fear and and popular consensus. We have created a society where virtually all can be build up and ripped down by the values different people have. Some value money and power the most and some value love and humanity and there are many varied shades of the two combined...
about an hour ago ·  

I am too tired to write up the bad poem and writing that went after it just now. I have something resembling a meal. I may only have been up 6 hours but I am going to go back up to bed by midnight and try to sleep, maybe try to watch a film, that can often make me sleep! 

Oh does anyone know if we can set the time right so it is not 8 hours behind? Right now is nearly midnight but it looks as if I posted 8 hours ago according to the time...

Saturday, 12 February 2011

A Bit of a Poem From Before

things got even more interesting and different, continuing my learning on the themes I wrote of here...

Most things that I like
I love with delight
I love friends, expressing, chocolate
Sleep, relaxing, writing and reading
I love to create beauty on a blank page
I've learnt to control my fear and my rage
I have learnt that to hate hurts me
Far more than it ever hurts the person
Or thing that really irritated
I love that I have learnt not to take
Things that hurt to my heart
I can start to partake
A free life where nothing is personal
In converse as some verse
We really feel worse
When we accept a projection
Of fear onto us we don't want
I used to hate fear and anger and pain
Till I learnt to let go I need honour them
It was a hard lesson to know it's not messing
I created my life in this way
I gave myself plenty of opportunity
To heal my insecurity
At times I let it make me feel worse
I had not worked it out
I forgive my self doubt
And my slowness of getting the lessons
But one step at a time
I found the sublime
Now I've cleared much the debris of crisis
As I carry on living
I'll surely mess up further
So I'll carry on working it out
As we walk through our journey
Gliding in flow more in harmony
We may again change our course
Start swimming upstream
Let the drama evoke screams
Protesting at how it's not fair
If I do that again please slap me
Shock me back to my path so divine
My way may not be yours
It is not the only way
To empowered joyous existence
All our paths lead to our own way of being
When it comes to the end
All that matters my friend
Is the love we have shared
Not the pain of our birth
Of our soul back to where it came from.....
© Elaine Edwards 7th December 2007

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

The Process of Becoming

The Process of Becoming
Change is the only constant
Yet we resist it hard
We strive to find our happy place
To live there all the while
Unrealistic expectation
To stay in one emotion
Besides what would we be
If we only stayed the same
A statue of a human
A being with no flow
Stagnant in our misery
Refusing to let go
Exhibiting the fear
Dividing us from our soul
Not seeing the divinity
Still there unseen
It reunites us all
I have struggled in my journey
The fight with death and life
A process of awakening
Connecting me to soul
Before I took this challenge
I knew it would be tough
The physical restrictions
Symptoms not making sense
Being scared I won't find love
Yet love is all around me
Waiting for me to dive right in
Surrender to my living
So I don't die alive
I flow in my becoming.
© Elaine 02.10 21st July 2009.
While I was gone
I sat upon the poor man's throne
In a state of omphaloskepsis
An old new word I love
Meaning navel contemplation
I let go of some shit
Metaphorical literally
I flushed it all away
Washed myself of it
Wisdom doesn't follow rules
Society decided to inflict
It looks beyond the veil of lies
Letting go to jump right in the flow
We become just what we think
Often not actually who we are
Remember look beyond it all
To find the truth that hides.
© Elaine 02.33 21st July 2009.

Saturday, 5 February 2011

Mental Illness or Natural Response?

Abuse trauma is so often in the experience of those with considered mental illness...I may be being a bit controversial but I actually feel that makes it kind of worse calling it illness, it is reasonable response to have mental and emotional difficulties to work through once abused or traumatised by events that have threatened life or taken away our autonomy in moments. It would be kind of unhealthy to not have any repercussions at all in our emotional development.

Mental health is to me about understanding the psyche, first my own and understanding typical reactions to conditions we live in. It has helped me considerably to understand why people react in certain ways often due to fear of not looking normal or of the person they are rejecting not looking normal. Frustration is entering here because I have a foggy mind due to physical problems that are physical and stress related. I sort of know what I want to say but feel I can';t get it out in a reliable way so that more people will understand what I am saying than won't :o)

When people understand natural and reasonable reactions to experiences it is easier to deal with the fall out. When people are not comfortable around us because we have had trauma and talk about it, it represses our healing process. It is like we are jolted out of alignment with our self, the only person who can realign us is ourself with appropriate support in understanding that is possible with more ease. Society could give that support yet they seem often afraid of 'us' who are labelled with mental health problems. I think this is because really even if they don't name it in this way they know that ''there by the grace of whatever go them and it is frightening to consider. Too frightening to possibly admit, especially if they feel close to the edge themselves.

Segments of society that get together and understand the strength it takes to strive towards a healthy mental/emotional health, encourage each other and give each other respect for the trials that have brought us here are like gifts. Wouldn't it be marvellous if we could spread that gift out into broader society so more people understood better coping strategies and were supported in them without it being something that is considered taboo and something ultimately many would be ashamed of. We are all different and find many different ways to cope but the ones I find who seem to be able to work through their nightmares to follow their dreams tend often to be ones who find this understanding of their psyche by exploring the depth of their personality and all of who they are....finding it difficult again to put into words....exploring creativity and meditating, expressing myself have all been things that have kept me going...my story that brought me here may still make me cry at times but I have made peace with much of it and I honour it and myself through loving the me it has helped create....I think! I may be jumbling words up though....grins

ps maybe I need to write this again one day when brain is functioning properly...my experience and the working through it to still find love instead of just fear putting a wall around my heart has all gone towards who I am today. Without the fear being magnified through adversity I may never have worked through it so intensely to determine love breaks down the walls of my own fear.