Thursday, 13 December 2012

Open Letter ~ Government People, Are You a Human Being?

So I am sat here thinking it's 09.27, I have been awake over 2 hours, eaten and for the moment I was thinking I felt actually not too bad at all. I considered I could go visit mum after all. There is no reflexology there today but I could go and mum would be really pleased because she hasn't seen me for a while, 2 weeks in fact. 

Then I was trying to remember when I had my last bath and wondering would I be able to have a bath AND go to see mum, maybe even a shower. It is nicer if I can be clean when I leave the house and I could put my new leisure trousers on. No not a shower, too cold, standing for that long, while not the problem it would have been a few weeks ago would be a push and I'm pretty sure the car will start, it's only been a week and 2 days since it was given a good charge. No a bath or shower would be pushing it. 

Come to think of it I could so lie back down and sleep. I am thinking of going to Mind tomorrow for the last meeting this year. The group and my Mind lady who picks me up and beings me home is special. I want to go. I have the rubbish to put out, the orange bag has been in the hall by the front door for quite a few weeks. Dave did it for me. It is rubbish night tonight. I can't get anything more into my dirty rubbish, the orange bag with tins and plastics, well most of them are loose between the bins and the new paper and card bag is quite full too. I can still leave them for another few weeks if necessary. The dirty bin is quite urgent. I've not been well enough to empty it for weeks and I didn't want that in the hall by my door as well. I think rubbish is a priority.

The level of my energy I am more confident I will be able to do my bins, or at least the dirty bin, if I take it easy today. If I feel able to tackle either or both of the other ones I will. I have got good at judging roughly how much an activity will cost me, although I am still liable to over-estimate my ability but usually when I have time to recover. I wasn't planning on being so ill so long over all of summer. As a normal person things get tougher if I get anxious about what it is I need to do. Having to basically go to court to ask for financial assistance to live is one of those things that can understandably cause anxiety. To have it implied that I may not be working hard enough or pushing myself hard enough by a doctor or the ridiculous notion I am actually well enough to work also has an effect on my anxiety levels.

I would love to be well enough to work. I would love to not have to jump through hoops that quite frankly are set too high for anyone to jump through who is not well to be treated with respect and dignity. A week today I face the new doctor again. I need to teach him that his friends in the DWP are not playing the game very fairly and that by getting him to view patients suffering severe illness as avoiding things by finding it hard to do appointments and finding life a bit difficult to deal with. He said I was being a bit negative when I said how gutted I was having another relapse after a tantalising glimpse of remission. Does he not understand that left me only feeling safe enough to get in that taxi because medical help would have been on standby should I get like I have been getting just walking to the toilet and back with emergency use of the nebuliser. I think I got more upset that last visit than I had actually cottoned on.

I wonder if hearing personal stories has an effect?
I wonder if the further away from the institutionalised decline in compassionate care of vulnerable people, the easier to ignore the suffering?
I wonder how the front line of the care givers cope with the new rules and policies they are being asked to follow? I see some struggle with it, it doesn't feel right but if they don't comply their job could be on the line.

I feel better having expressed that. I am also very in need of cwtching down under the duvet and letting go of the painful tensions in my body and ignoring the pain of lying down. Today I can breathe. I am capable of more than I have been used to being able to even consider without driving myself mad. I am not capable of doing everything I want and need to do. I'd prefer to already have done enough housework to be able to work and play with canvas and paint, to sell my crafts and enjoy interaction with other people without feeling dreadful or actually collapsing. I can't. I can however lose myself in a film and another chance to sleep and dream of being well enough to go off travelling and spending time with people I love.

Writing a public journal that is almost as shambolic as my life, does not mean I am fit to work, watching a film and staying awake doesn't mean I am fit for work. I am a human being. I am loved and I love people.

Tell me you government people, are you a human being too?

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Open letter to Iain Duncan Smith

Hello Iain

I have been trying especially hard to see you as a human being capable of feeling compassion towards other human beings, even if they are not able to benefit you in any way. It is a hard task. You are able to show compassion to your own family by all accounts. You knew the importance of support for your wife when she was seriously ill, so you are capable if it. Yet you tell people who are not independently wealthy the value of working through severe and serious illness, without regard to the amount of suffering and higher likelihood of death before necessary. You implement and oversee policies that ensure vulnerable people are more frightened, stressed and less supported than they need for their recovery or sustained optimal health despite being incapacitated with physical and/or mental health issues.

I would like to ask you to consider that not just as a humanitarian concept but as a sentient being causing severe harm to other sentient beings. I asked the second man who raped me these things. He couldn't see the problem, he had no problem overriding the autonomy of another human being and causing lasting damage to the psyche of that person. I felt empowered telling him how it had affected me, how I had come close to suicide because of the severe distress it had caused me to continue to feel long after the unpleasant encounter where what I felt was disregarded completely. He didn't feel he had done anything wrong, he had not remembered me crying and saying no. You remind me of that man. You blank out the things you don't want to hear about how your policies are working and you ignore genuine suffering that you are causing. That seems to be the way of coping with being an abuser of others.

I had to learn to find peace within because holding a grudge against that man for the suffering he had caused me to live with was destroying me and not bothering him at all. I have found this in other areas where I have been at the receiving end of abuse.

The most difficult abuse to find peace with is the abuse of the system that disregards my suffering and attacks me in a way to virtually ensure I suffer far more than would be necessary if I were given compassionate appropriate support to work through the mental and emotional torment living with abuse issues and severe health issues creates. I do the best I can to work through these issues while often daily wondering if I will survive the day when unable to self care and walking to the toilet could result in my death. I have been treated by an ambulance crew while sitting on the toilet after having a bowel motion and being unable to get the breath to wipe myself, and pull my pants up. At that point nothing else mattered than surviving that moment and not giving my children the story of how mum died with her pants down. That was four months before my WCA and my second hospital admittance since the interview with CAB to fill my ESA50 form.

I was in hospital when I was declared fit for work the month after and got the letter a few days after I got out of hospital. The day my ESA was stopped and the last payment made, a community care grant was paid into my account. It had been awarded with help from CAB after appeal decided on my current health issues and with the intent it would at least help to keep me out of hospital. I had been eager to recover and make steps to make my home safe and sound with measures towards my optimum health so I may one day use my talents to support myself. I was self employed before I became to ill to go out selling my art and crafts.

I always had the lower end of health. I often didn't notice when I had an infection as I was used to being below par and pushing myself to the limits. I was a lone parent who worked part time, then a mature student who did a degree in art with a view to living my dreams. I worked hard and had many wonderful options to explore. I did a charity hair cut which led to a new business idea and an allergic reaction that led to medication that led to my whole life and health falling apart around me. I had so much to grieve. The loss of my family, my health and my dreams. Many times the suffering felt so great I didn't know if I would be able to endure it or survive it. I have had the worst year health wise I have ever endured. It is only in the last week that I have been able to sleep on my right side again, with my back to the nebuliser and emergency use of this machine. Now my tribunal papers are in I can try and focus on living until the horror of being in court for failing to be well is a known date.

I know that my fear is my worst enemy, those who give me reason to fear are merely antagonists in my personal story of life. Real people who play the part of villain in my life and in your case and your friends in government, in many lives. There are many heroes who keep surviving despite your efforts to bully them into worthwhile stock. Or is it just that other person I find hard to see as a human being who has a title of lord but the heart of a rock who sees us as stock? You see I know you see me as worthless while I am ill and even if I recovered enough to fully support myself. You see me as worthless but I know I am worthy of life. That is also the difference between us. I may see you as a man who is cruel and heartless to many but I don't see you as worthless. Beneath the beleifs that you hold that cause you to be cruel there is a man not connected to his very soul, for a man connected to his soul cannot treat other sentient beings in horrific ways.

To connect to your soul you would have to face the horror of what your actions do to people. I can understand why you would wish to continue to be a villain, it is very painful to be a hero. To be a hero you need compassion, to have compassion you have to feel the pain of others, to feel pain you have inflicted on others and to forgive yourself is a great act of courage. I have compassion for you even though I don't feel you have the tenacity it takes to realise yourself as the hero you could have been in a position of power but to remain the villain wreaking tyranny over the masses.

I don't suppose you would know how to reply to this and I don't suppose you would even bother, after all I am just a human being suffering due to your being who you are being.
Love and peace

ps  I was contemplating this while sat having an uncomfortable ibs time and reading my book about the art of spiritual peacemaking. I bet you are delighted I think of you while I release the toxic wastes of my body, alongside other people I see as abusers...smiles

Sunday, 14 October 2012

Spiders Webs of Truth ~ GBE2 74

    Spiders webs of truth 
    turned to cobwebs 
    in our minds 
    filled with dust
    when we
    to trust
    trapping us
    among the webs
    brush away the old
    spider spins new threads
    we can break free.

    I've done it again a tenuous link right hereee 

    They are using fear to dis-empower us and making many of us ill through it. They work from the basis of fear, fearing that we will realise that they are more vulnerable than they would like us to believe. They rely on using our fear to make us compliant or feel defenceless, which is difficult not to feel in the circumstances...I realised a couple of years ago that there was a psychological war going on against us. I have got annoyed at times that the subtle torture tactics we play out on ourselves due to it have worked on me. The heightened stress levels causing many more symptoms of illness, insomnia and shedloads of fear of not being able to support myself so I may live.

    This is why I am doing my best to face my fears and work through them...I woke this morning after less sleep than I needed. I had made the mistake before I slept of reading about the upcoming cuts that threaten my sense of security even more and having already had the illusion of security taken away with the assault of WCA etc. In reality we never really had any security anyway, we never know what will happen and what other ways we may find support when everything seems lost. Living is an act of faith that we will keep encountering a next moment after the one we are living now.

     Smiles and that not all of them will suck!

    Just smiling widely as I think of an image I was co-writing of a possible future scene of my life. I felt it with all its love and joy. I knew it as possible, then doubt visits and I wonder how I will get to that point as I woke up. Then faith in the cosmos or whatever it was that got me this far will also get me to that scene or a similar one...

    Love will carry me through as I let go of my fear to allow it...

    This conversation has much power of love and understanding and compassion running through it. It is wonderful to be a part of it...

    Sunday 14 October 2012. The lying, cheating, stealing, profiteering nasty party....See more
    A letter a day to Number 10 Downing Street. The government get all sorts of free...See more
    us us us us us and them them them them them, and after all we're only ordinary men...

    I'm tryong to get it up and playing on yourube but my net keeps dropping out my hub can't connect...ahh I am typing in the dark correcting is a pain!

    erm a message in that for me or you or someone maybe I don't know....I'm tired but filled with a fuzzy feeling of joy cos we can be who we are and dissolve the fear in moments as we speak our truth out loud and proud, even admitting our vulnerability, our fears and our dreams ...another album I love to raise the spirits is Spirit The 12 Dreams of Dr Sardonicus...I may need to get that playing...smiles

    Note: I do not own Pink Floyd or any of its songs.Dark Side of the Moon is one o...See more

    Us and Them
    And after all we're only ordinary men
    Me, and you
    God only knows it's not what we would choose to do
    Forward he cried from the rear
    And the front rank died
    And the General sat, as the lines on the map
    Moved from side to side
    Black and Blue
    And who knows which is which and who is who
    Up and Down
    And in the end it's only round and round and round
    Haven't you heard it's a battle of words
    The poster bearer cried
    Listen son, said the man with the gun
    There's room for you inside
    Down and Out
    It can't be helped but there's a lot of it about
    With, without
    And who'll deny that's what the fightings all about
    Get out of the way, it's a busy day
    And I've got things on my mind
    For want of the price of tea and a slice
    The old man died

Saturday, 13 October 2012

Telling it Differently Maybe

-right the middle about taking responsibility back for our own power and not giving it away to those who scare us...

this is starting to make sense to experience is backing me up in understanding things somewhat differently...

"When you react to something in a fear based way, it dis-empowers you from doing anything about it."

I find it hard to put into words but I feel I have learned more about this in the time of having severe breathing difficulties which more than fearing death has kept me fearing continuing to have such an uncomfortable existence. I have been seeing it change from habit to choice. I didn't understand how I was choosing to be uncomfortable and still haven't quite 'got it' yet but I am getting there...smiles

Just actually letting lots of mucus out of my body right now...snot and coughing up...14 years ago, when I was attuned to Reiki 2 I had been exposed to carbon monoxide poisoning for a while but didn't actually consciously know. I had a huge 'healing crisis' which can be explained as my body rejecting the toxins quickly. I wasn't actually sick but heaving as my body expelled the literal and physical shit. After a sleep I was then taken to a big event that was very high energy and vibration. I had to go sleep in a corner, it was about a month after this that I discovered my heating system was in a dangerous state and had it fixed. It took me a while to fully feel Well again after that. I wonder if I would have survived it as well without the clearing I had while away following my excitement in London with my Daisy book exhibited in the New Designers Show and learning more about healing.

If I hadn't apparently stumbled and fallen into illness, I would have missed the opportunity to grow and learn more about the nature of what I wish to heal. I had some stuff I needed to heal within and maybe sometimes we attempt to do that by healing things around us. I was in a great phase of my life, exploring my art in an atmosphere of being encouraged and celebrated for doing what I love. I could often tap into my boundless energy.

Yesterday I had a seemingly pleasant encounter with someone and when I came away from it I almost threw up. The energy of the feelings masked by the apparently light-hearted conversation was one of resentment. I am now willing to admit a little from me as well, as my life is impacted by some things the person has influence on and I felt the person was a little jealous that I get to laze around at home 'being ill and not even as ill as I have been.' I don't always know where these energetic discords are making my body react all the time but by noticing and seeing how I can stop the retching when it happens is empowering and gives me more of a chance to make it a new habit by choosing to notice to let it go, without holding further resentment. I thought about pure positive energy reinforcing my boundaries to not accept negative projections and to seep out the unconditional love and above energy my space contains. I use my imagination to do this and if it works for me, then that is good enough for me. It doesn't matter if it is actually 'real' if I get a better sense of well being through it!

I have often listened to Bashar meditations and channelling workshop while being incapacitated, lying down unable to do much else and yes sometimes bored. Tom Keynon meditations too. It was the only way I could stop the constant fight or flight responses my muscles were going into, constant alert preventing me from relaxing. I would have ended up on oxygen in hospital otherwise, it was exhausting but it caused me to do something different and positive towards my personal growth. It works for me. Just because it works for me doesn't mean it will or won't work for others, we all have our own ways to learn how to experience life the way we are prepared to go, we all have our own excitement to follow.

When I got seriously ill I was doing that hair thing and feeling like I was really going somewhere but up against so much negativity. The waves went from positive to negative quite wildly is seemed. I loved fundraising, I was good at it, I got a lot of positive reaction and many people shared their hopes and fears with me it felt like a privilege. I was being inspired and inspiring a lot of my time. While blindly stumbling along making huge mistakes I had no idea I was making.

Also I never forgot why I was doing it. I was a healer. I recognised that it wasn't me doing the healing but channelling the energy for the person to do with as much as they could as such. I have since learned through experience more about how and why we each heal at our own pace to our own level in our own ways and I try to explain that sometimes but now is not one of those times! I did this because I was giving healing to Nia George, a young, beautiful, talented woman who I desperately wanted to help heal. She was terminal but I so wanted her to be a miracle, not just to show the world how powerful healing energies can be but to keep her here. 

Some time after she died I met two girls in the Waterfront. I asked them who was into angels and which one into fairies, I was often really tuned in at that time and could pick up passions and fears of others around me without warning or necessarily always accurate. I was just willing to say and often got rewarded by reactions of, 'Oh my god how did you know that?' The conversation turned to what I had done and probably about how ill I kept getting at that time. I was a bit famous for a while locally and they knew what I had done. They had met Nia at a gig and said how she was the kind of person you just fell in love with...she was. She had a big influence on my life and I wish I could direct you to where you could get her cd Messages, although the link may or may not take you into my Jylt youtube list or the guy who created listening to Surrender with Sarah singing lead. Nia had a huge positive effect on all who loved her and who found their own ways to grieve her leaving us too early. Lifelike Dream ~ the song and how I have been known to describe my life.

Life got so hard there were times I wanted to join her. It was a time like that on 13th February 2006 I had an experience shared with a friend who was holding me and reported afterwards how hot I went and how I actually vibrated, had I had this experience alone I would have thought it just my imagination. I had seen both Nia and Adam who I met through the fundraising and who died 5 days after Nia in a drifting to sleep dream, they had been trying to lift me up and made me laugh the night before. I had not got any sleep after that and spent all night writing about my perception of good and evil, light and dark. The next day I was unable to eat for various reasons, so an accident fasting. When I lay down I thought I would fall straight to sleep. I was wrong.

I immediately had the sensation of standing in a darkened room and all the people I love who had died came to hug me. I wasn't aware of the date as I had been distracted by distracting myself from the misery I felt in life at the time. I had started silently crying, my friend asked me 'What's the matter darling?'
'It's okay, they are showing me people.' Next 'they showed me' the child I had miscarried 17 years ago more or less to the moment I woke up bleeding. I didn't have to name who she was in my thoughts. I simply started crying and in my head was saying, 'Thank you for showing me her, she is beautiful, she is beautiful.'
Before I could form any opinions I felt like I was expanded and huge, yet a collection of particles out there in the atmosphere and also this solid form lying curled up being cuddled by a lovely friend. I heard the words or rather felt them, 'This is what home feels like. The human body can not sustain this vibration.'

I felt like pure positive unconditional love in that moment, nothing else mattered. I didn't mind when I heard my voice say out loud, 'Elaine has no control over her voice at the moment.....' I knew I could stop it if I wanted to but I didn't and was interested in what would be said. I gave some words of wisdom that were not taken, bless him, we always need our own time to stop doing things we don't enjoy and to follow our joy without all the barriers we put in our own way due to what we have held onto fears of past and possible future discomfort and not getting our own way. Ahem biggy one right there, sorry I think it may be one of those truths that really gets on our tits till we learn not to let anything unsettle us from our core of being love! At the end my voice told me that I would do this in public, I will do this on stage. I've always wondered if that will happen and I am open to it but if it doesn't happen then it was a direction I needed to follow to get somewhere else. I've long held true what I consider to be some great philosophies to live by but for a long time didn't see how much fear was holding me back from totally doing so. 

I thought I would need to go out and get a teacher, take classes and the like. I had done a few angel workshops and explored a few more healing techniques. I got on with doing the best I could do with the life I had and mucking it up quite well in various places. I don't quite know how long ago I found a Bashar video on youtube in my searching for the answers, the right questions help. I also found Abraham as channelled by Ester Hicks. I think it was probably around 2008 when my life started to get somewhat more strange. Around two years ago I realised the first time I heard the channelling workshops by Bashar that yes I have channelled many times and in many forms. I can remember getting into the flow of painting  where I would watch my hand fascinated at the process, doing it technically with the perspective and the like but very similar to the way it is shown on heroes, minus the white eye thing. The one that was most pronounced was the painting I did when I was trying to recreate a Native American kind of alter. I was doing my GNVQ and had no idea how researching for this project would turn into a life changing passion that is still with me, for indigenous wisdom and the spirit that runs through it. I tried to find a photo of it but it is eluding me right now, so back for the point.

We all channel and maybe we channel each others internal script at times making us behave how we wouldn't expect ourselves to, to prove a point of how others treat us. I will be thinking more about that one but have you ever behaved differently with someone that fits in with their idea of how others behave towards us...or something like that. My laptop froze on the 4th word of this section of writing and I went to the loo and to make a flask & coffee while it recovered. I suddenly felt able to mop the wee spots up Joey had done this week when I'd not let him out and which has been out of my ability for a long time so I had to learn to make peace with wee spots around the house. I also cleaned my loo, which was grim but I had had to let slide. I was a bit hunched over and a little out of breath but I carried on and made the coffee and a pilchards sandwich with cress. 

This is the most active I have been able to be in months. I haven't had to use the nebuliser. I have even brought my breathing back to settled without using the ventolin. I prefer to be able to do what I want, when I want to. I have been limiting myself for a long time but I think I limited myself to slow down long enough to learn how to do things differently. It wasn't a conscious decision but I am trying to make it more available to me to be able to decide to do something and be able to do it. I just had the impulse to use my ventolin because a trickle of fear ran through me and restricted my breathing for a moment as I wrote the last bit and as I noticed it was just fear the need went away again. Not being able to breathe well enough to lead a fuller life has been a huge part of my life for so long. I am ready to let it go. It could happen quickly or it could take a while. My only commitment is to flood myself with love, while keep on letting go of fear, keep growing and learning and expressing and seeing where this life experiment takes me, without fearing it will not work and I will look somehow stupid for thinking it could.

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

End of the World? Be Happy Anyway Stuff Fear...

I know it is bit of a stretch but (wish I could do little music thing there like you can do a ♥) *singing 'If you feel like a bag of shit but are happy anyway and you know it clap you hands....clap clap'

Just because some things are shit doesn't mean everything is...I feel quite rough but it isn't as hard as all that time finding breathing such a difficult task impossible to do well when walking, it is only mildly affecting me now, you can't understand how much better it can feel to just feel shit!!!! Unless you do! ♥

It is harder still to look to more the positive when the system seems to punish you even worse and deny the things we get so used to dealing with we can partly ignore them to stay positive in difficult conditions...or something like that...I have a fuzzier head today than it has been...the cold symptoms are seeing to that..but I am tending to my needs and this darkened room is perfect to feel the best I can at the moment.

I am finally letting go of the fear that the war on ill people has been making me more ill through. Or at least more often. I am doing all I can to get better so I can pursue my passions and work on my art instead of just dreaming about it. I have everything I need to make a living except for health and staff!! They may not want to give me a chance to get better but I am going to give myself that gift...thank ♥ and support from those who want to see me fly and support me in the ways they do so that even in the midst of adversity my wings are only clipped and have time to grow back stronger than ever....

I have been lifting myself and being uplifted by others. My expressing is more 'me' and I have felt restricted bodily and in my expression over the last few months. I feel I needed that process to break through the fear barrier a little more. One thing I am going to do is make a double appointment with the doctor whose focus on dwp policy scared me so much I was distressed to the point of seeing visions of myself self harming and became more ill again, a reminder of my breakdown when I was first declared fit for work. Also a reminder of when I first got ill physically and part of me was pleased it had come out that way rather than mentally shutting down or obsessing. I have experienced both and neither are much fun. One tends to make you curl up and sleep as much as possible and the other not eat, not sleep, not relax, not be able to deal with anything and pretty jittery.

Then the adrenals join the party and start playing up and it is all a matter of an emotional, mental and physical shitstorm that explodes from time to time....think of the shit demon from Dogma. But panic attacks are not funny either, although they look ridiculous to other people and secretly we feel like we are being ridiculous for having them, even when we understand partially why. The emotional issues triggering adrenalin surges, which affect the whole system including the emotions, that cycle of what comes first the emotion or the biological reaction in the system of our bodies not working due to conflicting thoughts and feelings going on.

I see this in the way patterns follow the minute in nature up to the immense...such as atoms, neurons, cells & galaxies all fascinating...I look for patterns in things if I am sat somewhere and there is a mould spot I will look for the pictures, or mud or working out the way the pattern works in a wallpaper or fabric, where the repeat happens and how well or badly it does. That could be because I did textile design on the GNVQ. I so wanted to take wildlife illustration back to learning more about textile design, but something I could probably excelled at but not why I am here.

Oh I tangented! Come closer, lean in I am going to whisper this I see dead people, well not very often but it has been known, no...I see patterns in the conflicts within us all and the breakdowns in community the old values and beliefs breaking down for many. No matter how we view the world, not many can still deny we are living in odd times which seem very nasty in places and beautiful in others. Where the most fear is generated gives power to those who would hold us in fear. Controlling, oppressive regimes that abuse many to benefit a few are given their power by our fear to speak up or do different. They also use many people controlled by the rules to do the dirty work.

End of the World? Be Happy Anyway Stuff Fear...up the jacksies of the abusers and controllers...but then again the fear they spread is fear owned by them. They know we are empowered by letting go of fear. I wonder if they know that they disempower themselves by trying to feed off the power of others? It means that they rely on us to play our role so they can feel in charge.

Hmm what does that actually mean?

Are we actually keeping them in a role if we all collude to trap us all in a web of fear?

I don't know the answer...that is why I keep asking questions and wondering about what life is all about. After all being restricted by body means I have a lot of time to think and do all I can to keep finding well being even when being ill.

Sunday, 7 October 2012

GBE2 73 ~ Picture Prompt ~ A Moment of Joy

A heart warming smile
from a stranger
with love behind
the twinkle in his eye
he could be a rich man
he could be poor
he could have had struggles
he could have suffered
his story unknown
in this moment
it's simple
in a smile.

Which rather allows me to take a huge step of artistic licence to say what I wanted to say regardless of the that naughty? 

When I woke up this morning I was thinking of what I said here...When people dismiss suffering it can make the suffering feel even worse...sometimes we need to speak out to show people how their ignorance is harmful. Compassion and at least an attempt to understand can go a long way towards dealing with it, especially in moments where it threatens to overwhelm us again...

After speaking to my mum and us having a lovely light-hearted and serious chat I wrote my status for today. 

*Our biggest enemy is attacks our well being worse than any other thing. The physical shite we go through is always made worse by how much fear it evokes within us...

All our most challenging emotions have fear at the base of them and all our uplifting emotions are given their wings by the love that is always available to us when not cloaked by our fear...

Our hope and our guiding light to get through the darkest times we face as individuals and as a combination which is the whole of humanity...including those rotten gits that stir the fear the worst...or something like that!

I've been dancing with fear the last few months...I have had many moments where I thought I would buckle and maybe even die...every moment I get fear out of the way I can breathe and I can manage to do something towards self care.

I have been working on facing my fears for a long time. Sometimes just experiencing them and finding our way back out the other side gives us insights that we share and help remind us all how much fear can cripple us and how much loving compassion shared helps us all...our fears can be sparked by similar things, buttons of past pain and loss...I wrote on my wall the other day I am not brave, I have just somehow managed to get through all the shite so that point I felt quite low. We all have more worth than we are often shown and by ourselves at times as well...when we support each other with outpourings of love and understanding we can inspire each other to keep on trucking through....*

I have had a better day than for months. Maybe I really am on the road to recovery this time. I rang mum again a couple of hours ago. I read out what I had written to her and my voice was stronger than she has heard it for a long time. She wanted her friend to hear it too and so I read it out again. Mum's friend often says what a waste of my talents by not being well enough to do much with them. I said it isn't a waste, it is unlikely I would have written that without the suffering I went through to come to that deeper understanding of what I already know!

I wonder if it makes the messages I feel the need to share in any way more powerful due to the suffering it took to get there? At the moment, I am in a state of love and understanding where my fear of continued suffering kept me trapped in a very limited state. I also wonder at the potential for increased well being as I let love wash away the fears my experience of life has challenged me with, including the fear of being treated as worthless due to being ill. Also of being a burden to those who care for me.

Fear is a cycle we can break out of from time to time, I think it is when we respect where the fear has come from and love anyway, trusting that we can free ourselves from fear, even deep rooted ones...or something like'll bite me on the bum again and become a pain in my neck and I may find myself struggling to breathe when fear gets me back in a grip, drowning in my sorrow at a life ripped out of me, again I will tell fear, I understand why you are here, eventually or sooner than later and I will be love again, with love I can reach for the stars and find my dreams stuffed down the back of the sofa...

Picture prompt found at...

Friday, 28 September 2012

The Greatest Love of All ~ Open letter to Britains Oppressers

Elaine Edwards shared a link. 42 minutes ago
I finally slept 2pm-9.30pm I sat for a little while before I was able to go to the I was filling my flask for coffee making by the bed I was thinking of writing an open letter to the gov and system about how I believe the system is following a path of eugenics. Actually it was as I poohed a release that had unusually been compacted, I was thinking about that and how they know how to nurture a healthy society, they are choosing to make us as ill as they can, poisoning us in any way they can, getting innocent* people doing their dirty work believing they are doing good or suffering in their own part of implementing dangerous and colluding with dangerous policy, conflicted as they increase the suffering of those suffering already. It was as I was pouring boiling water into my flask I had this song start to replace the thoughts of the partly formed letter I hope I will be able to write...inspired by Keith Ordinary Guy...

Do you think I should write...

Dear David and your gang of bullies,
I was thinking of you and your despicable agenda as I had a poo are not as stupid as you like to pretend to be, you are deliberately impacting on the lives of people who are already strained to the limits by their health conditions. It is well known that if you nurture a patient/child/person they are more likely to thrive...damn see I find it hard to be concise...I will think about this but I also need to sort out the doctor situation, which is a fear I have to face...

I am doing my best to not be further harmed by this psychological warfare that is aimed at us all but first affecting the most vulnerable people in the country first. My mental health would be a lot more stable if I was supported and cared for adequately to enable me to recover from the devastating physical difficulties I am experiencing. I wouldn't have felt like self harming on Wednesday and have to fight the inner battle and cry for 6-8 hours if I had felt that I was safe and could rely on fair continual support from my doctors surgery. I fell into the pit of fear, you nearly got me. You will never know how much mental and emotional work it took to get through that day.

I may be vulnerable and physically weak, but I have a strength of love on my side. I almost pity you for your fear and hatred of weakness and insecurity and the superiority complex you cover it up with...

Despite the fact you would cheer at my death though my condition or suicide I send you love and compassion and wishes for your fear and hatred to heal, for your humanity to grow instead of wither and die like you appear to expect us to. You in your lack of compassion for fellow humans are weaker than those fighting the hardest to survive your attack on us.

I keep making peace with the fact I am being attacked. It is uncomfortable to be in the direct line of fire of hateful energy. You have an awful lot directed at you. I even enjoyed playing punch Cameron in the facebook myself and I am in favour of love and peace!

Does your ignorance of the energetic nature of emotions protect you?
Is smugness a shield?
Maybe I shouldn't go off into the territory of how we are connected and all that. How the divide and conquer methods work also by making us hate the them who are hating us as their them...Friday 28th September 2012 at 23.00

It is now 23.23  and I have just copied and pasted from always I didn't know I was going to do this till the impulse took me, it is the only way I can do things and it is all part of my own inner healing of the shadow and light, the fear and love...and I am finding the greatest love of all...

* Undoubtedly there are not so innocent people enjoying working with the abusive energy of the current system but there is a discordance within anyone who enjoys abusing and those who are just following rules that make them feel mildly uncomfortable or horribly sick.*

Thursday, 27 September 2012

An Acquired Taste, An Embarrassment to Some

I decided to add a disclaimer. I can only vouch for my experience of my ill being and well being I am not being critical about (you who have it wrong) your way of dealing with things. My tongue was firmly in my cheek when I wrote the brackets. I am getting it right for me. However we manage our struggle and/also/or dance with life we are all just learning and new truth (or what we currently hold as true) changes our ideas about what is and isn't acceptable. 

This is the day after a pretty big meltdown where a doctor pushed my buttons and I did express some of how I felt about that on facebook but it has also made me think about things and pushed me in a direction I hadn't intended taking maybe. I was very distressed after the appointment but I am thinking of booking a double appointment with him and preparing notes of my experience and facing my fear of the system of treating symptoms not individuals...he was a nice doctor just caught in a system that binds him as well as me. Well I could be wrong but that was the impression I got. 

5 hours ago
Calmer today. Potentially more help is on its way. My hands feel like I have been clinging on to a tightrope for dear life. I haven't had hand pain like this for months. As all things it will pass...
 d continued.......left eye is sore...svery tired but active mind can't switch off cos time3line needs to be written or notes started....not my ego's idea...just got myself all relaxed & healing self took over!!!