Sunday, 14 October 2012

Spiders Webs of Truth ~ GBE2 74

    Spiders webs of truth 
    turned to cobwebs 
    in our minds 
    filled with dust
    when we
    to trust
    trapping us
    among the webs
    brush away the old
    spider spins new threads
    we can break free.

    I've done it again a tenuous link right hereee 

    They are using fear to dis-empower us and making many of us ill through it. They work from the basis of fear, fearing that we will realise that they are more vulnerable than they would like us to believe. They rely on using our fear to make us compliant or feel defenceless, which is difficult not to feel in the circumstances...I realised a couple of years ago that there was a psychological war going on against us. I have got annoyed at times that the subtle torture tactics we play out on ourselves due to it have worked on me. The heightened stress levels causing many more symptoms of illness, insomnia and shedloads of fear of not being able to support myself so I may live.

    This is why I am doing my best to face my fears and work through them...I woke this morning after less sleep than I needed. I had made the mistake before I slept of reading about the upcoming cuts that threaten my sense of security even more and having already had the illusion of security taken away with the assault of WCA etc. In reality we never really had any security anyway, we never know what will happen and what other ways we may find support when everything seems lost. Living is an act of faith that we will keep encountering a next moment after the one we are living now.

     Smiles and that not all of them will suck!

    Just smiling widely as I think of an image I was co-writing of a possible future scene of my life. I felt it with all its love and joy. I knew it as possible, then doubt visits and I wonder how I will get to that point as I woke up. Then faith in the cosmos or whatever it was that got me this far will also get me to that scene or a similar one...

    Love will carry me through as I let go of my fear to allow it...

    This conversation has much power of love and understanding and compassion running through it. It is wonderful to be a part of it...

    Sunday 14 October 2012. The lying, cheating, stealing, profiteering nasty party....See more
    A letter a day to Number 10 Downing Street. The government get all sorts of free...See more
    us us us us us and them them them them them, and after all we're only ordinary men...

    I'm tryong to get it up and playing on yourube but my net keeps dropping out my hub can't connect...ahh I am typing in the dark correcting is a pain!

    erm a message in that for me or you or someone maybe I don't know....I'm tired but filled with a fuzzy feeling of joy cos we can be who we are and dissolve the fear in moments as we speak our truth out loud and proud, even admitting our vulnerability, our fears and our dreams ...another album I love to raise the spirits is Spirit The 12 Dreams of Dr Sardonicus...I may need to get that playing...smiles

    Note: I do not own Pink Floyd or any of its songs.Dark Side of the Moon is one o...See more

    Us and Them
    And after all we're only ordinary men
    Me, and you
    God only knows it's not what we would choose to do
    Forward he cried from the rear
    And the front rank died
    And the General sat, as the lines on the map
    Moved from side to side
    Black and Blue
    And who knows which is which and who is who
    Up and Down
    And in the end it's only round and round and round
    Haven't you heard it's a battle of words
    The poster bearer cried
    Listen son, said the man with the gun
    There's room for you inside
    Down and Out
    It can't be helped but there's a lot of it about
    With, without
    And who'll deny that's what the fightings all about
    Get out of the way, it's a busy day
    And I've got things on my mind
    For want of the price of tea and a slice
    The old man died

Saturday, 13 October 2012

Telling it Differently Maybe

-right the middle about taking responsibility back for our own power and not giving it away to those who scare us...

this is starting to make sense to experience is backing me up in understanding things somewhat differently...

"When you react to something in a fear based way, it dis-empowers you from doing anything about it."

I find it hard to put into words but I feel I have learned more about this in the time of having severe breathing difficulties which more than fearing death has kept me fearing continuing to have such an uncomfortable existence. I have been seeing it change from habit to choice. I didn't understand how I was choosing to be uncomfortable and still haven't quite 'got it' yet but I am getting there...smiles

Just actually letting lots of mucus out of my body right now...snot and coughing up...14 years ago, when I was attuned to Reiki 2 I had been exposed to carbon monoxide poisoning for a while but didn't actually consciously know. I had a huge 'healing crisis' which can be explained as my body rejecting the toxins quickly. I wasn't actually sick but heaving as my body expelled the literal and physical shit. After a sleep I was then taken to a big event that was very high energy and vibration. I had to go sleep in a corner, it was about a month after this that I discovered my heating system was in a dangerous state and had it fixed. It took me a while to fully feel Well again after that. I wonder if I would have survived it as well without the clearing I had while away following my excitement in London with my Daisy book exhibited in the New Designers Show and learning more about healing.

If I hadn't apparently stumbled and fallen into illness, I would have missed the opportunity to grow and learn more about the nature of what I wish to heal. I had some stuff I needed to heal within and maybe sometimes we attempt to do that by healing things around us. I was in a great phase of my life, exploring my art in an atmosphere of being encouraged and celebrated for doing what I love. I could often tap into my boundless energy.

Yesterday I had a seemingly pleasant encounter with someone and when I came away from it I almost threw up. The energy of the feelings masked by the apparently light-hearted conversation was one of resentment. I am now willing to admit a little from me as well, as my life is impacted by some things the person has influence on and I felt the person was a little jealous that I get to laze around at home 'being ill and not even as ill as I have been.' I don't always know where these energetic discords are making my body react all the time but by noticing and seeing how I can stop the retching when it happens is empowering and gives me more of a chance to make it a new habit by choosing to notice to let it go, without holding further resentment. I thought about pure positive energy reinforcing my boundaries to not accept negative projections and to seep out the unconditional love and above energy my space contains. I use my imagination to do this and if it works for me, then that is good enough for me. It doesn't matter if it is actually 'real' if I get a better sense of well being through it!

I have often listened to Bashar meditations and channelling workshop while being incapacitated, lying down unable to do much else and yes sometimes bored. Tom Keynon meditations too. It was the only way I could stop the constant fight or flight responses my muscles were going into, constant alert preventing me from relaxing. I would have ended up on oxygen in hospital otherwise, it was exhausting but it caused me to do something different and positive towards my personal growth. It works for me. Just because it works for me doesn't mean it will or won't work for others, we all have our own ways to learn how to experience life the way we are prepared to go, we all have our own excitement to follow.

When I got seriously ill I was doing that hair thing and feeling like I was really going somewhere but up against so much negativity. The waves went from positive to negative quite wildly is seemed. I loved fundraising, I was good at it, I got a lot of positive reaction and many people shared their hopes and fears with me it felt like a privilege. I was being inspired and inspiring a lot of my time. While blindly stumbling along making huge mistakes I had no idea I was making.

Also I never forgot why I was doing it. I was a healer. I recognised that it wasn't me doing the healing but channelling the energy for the person to do with as much as they could as such. I have since learned through experience more about how and why we each heal at our own pace to our own level in our own ways and I try to explain that sometimes but now is not one of those times! I did this because I was giving healing to Nia George, a young, beautiful, talented woman who I desperately wanted to help heal. She was terminal but I so wanted her to be a miracle, not just to show the world how powerful healing energies can be but to keep her here. 

Some time after she died I met two girls in the Waterfront. I asked them who was into angels and which one into fairies, I was often really tuned in at that time and could pick up passions and fears of others around me without warning or necessarily always accurate. I was just willing to say and often got rewarded by reactions of, 'Oh my god how did you know that?' The conversation turned to what I had done and probably about how ill I kept getting at that time. I was a bit famous for a while locally and they knew what I had done. They had met Nia at a gig and said how she was the kind of person you just fell in love with...she was. She had a big influence on my life and I wish I could direct you to where you could get her cd Messages, although the link may or may not take you into my Jylt youtube list or the guy who created listening to Surrender with Sarah singing lead. Nia had a huge positive effect on all who loved her and who found their own ways to grieve her leaving us too early. Lifelike Dream ~ the song and how I have been known to describe my life.

Life got so hard there were times I wanted to join her. It was a time like that on 13th February 2006 I had an experience shared with a friend who was holding me and reported afterwards how hot I went and how I actually vibrated, had I had this experience alone I would have thought it just my imagination. I had seen both Nia and Adam who I met through the fundraising and who died 5 days after Nia in a drifting to sleep dream, they had been trying to lift me up and made me laugh the night before. I had not got any sleep after that and spent all night writing about my perception of good and evil, light and dark. The next day I was unable to eat for various reasons, so an accident fasting. When I lay down I thought I would fall straight to sleep. I was wrong.

I immediately had the sensation of standing in a darkened room and all the people I love who had died came to hug me. I wasn't aware of the date as I had been distracted by distracting myself from the misery I felt in life at the time. I had started silently crying, my friend asked me 'What's the matter darling?'
'It's okay, they are showing me people.' Next 'they showed me' the child I had miscarried 17 years ago more or less to the moment I woke up bleeding. I didn't have to name who she was in my thoughts. I simply started crying and in my head was saying, 'Thank you for showing me her, she is beautiful, she is beautiful.'
Before I could form any opinions I felt like I was expanded and huge, yet a collection of particles out there in the atmosphere and also this solid form lying curled up being cuddled by a lovely friend. I heard the words or rather felt them, 'This is what home feels like. The human body can not sustain this vibration.'

I felt like pure positive unconditional love in that moment, nothing else mattered. I didn't mind when I heard my voice say out loud, 'Elaine has no control over her voice at the moment.....' I knew I could stop it if I wanted to but I didn't and was interested in what would be said. I gave some words of wisdom that were not taken, bless him, we always need our own time to stop doing things we don't enjoy and to follow our joy without all the barriers we put in our own way due to what we have held onto fears of past and possible future discomfort and not getting our own way. Ahem biggy one right there, sorry I think it may be one of those truths that really gets on our tits till we learn not to let anything unsettle us from our core of being love! At the end my voice told me that I would do this in public, I will do this on stage. I've always wondered if that will happen and I am open to it but if it doesn't happen then it was a direction I needed to follow to get somewhere else. I've long held true what I consider to be some great philosophies to live by but for a long time didn't see how much fear was holding me back from totally doing so. 

I thought I would need to go out and get a teacher, take classes and the like. I had done a few angel workshops and explored a few more healing techniques. I got on with doing the best I could do with the life I had and mucking it up quite well in various places. I don't quite know how long ago I found a Bashar video on youtube in my searching for the answers, the right questions help. I also found Abraham as channelled by Ester Hicks. I think it was probably around 2008 when my life started to get somewhat more strange. Around two years ago I realised the first time I heard the channelling workshops by Bashar that yes I have channelled many times and in many forms. I can remember getting into the flow of painting  where I would watch my hand fascinated at the process, doing it technically with the perspective and the like but very similar to the way it is shown on heroes, minus the white eye thing. The one that was most pronounced was the painting I did when I was trying to recreate a Native American kind of alter. I was doing my GNVQ and had no idea how researching for this project would turn into a life changing passion that is still with me, for indigenous wisdom and the spirit that runs through it. I tried to find a photo of it but it is eluding me right now, so back for the point.

We all channel and maybe we channel each others internal script at times making us behave how we wouldn't expect ourselves to, to prove a point of how others treat us. I will be thinking more about that one but have you ever behaved differently with someone that fits in with their idea of how others behave towards us...or something like that. My laptop froze on the 4th word of this section of writing and I went to the loo and to make a flask & coffee while it recovered. I suddenly felt able to mop the wee spots up Joey had done this week when I'd not let him out and which has been out of my ability for a long time so I had to learn to make peace with wee spots around the house. I also cleaned my loo, which was grim but I had had to let slide. I was a bit hunched over and a little out of breath but I carried on and made the coffee and a pilchards sandwich with cress. 

This is the most active I have been able to be in months. I haven't had to use the nebuliser. I have even brought my breathing back to settled without using the ventolin. I prefer to be able to do what I want, when I want to. I have been limiting myself for a long time but I think I limited myself to slow down long enough to learn how to do things differently. It wasn't a conscious decision but I am trying to make it more available to me to be able to decide to do something and be able to do it. I just had the impulse to use my ventolin because a trickle of fear ran through me and restricted my breathing for a moment as I wrote the last bit and as I noticed it was just fear the need went away again. Not being able to breathe well enough to lead a fuller life has been a huge part of my life for so long. I am ready to let it go. It could happen quickly or it could take a while. My only commitment is to flood myself with love, while keep on letting go of fear, keep growing and learning and expressing and seeing where this life experiment takes me, without fearing it will not work and I will look somehow stupid for thinking it could.

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

End of the World? Be Happy Anyway Stuff Fear...

I know it is bit of a stretch but (wish I could do little music thing there like you can do a ♥) *singing 'If you feel like a bag of shit but are happy anyway and you know it clap you hands....clap clap'

Just because some things are shit doesn't mean everything is...I feel quite rough but it isn't as hard as all that time finding breathing such a difficult task impossible to do well when walking, it is only mildly affecting me now, you can't understand how much better it can feel to just feel shit!!!! Unless you do! ♥

It is harder still to look to more the positive when the system seems to punish you even worse and deny the things we get so used to dealing with we can partly ignore them to stay positive in difficult conditions...or something like that...I have a fuzzier head today than it has been...the cold symptoms are seeing to that..but I am tending to my needs and this darkened room is perfect to feel the best I can at the moment.

I am finally letting go of the fear that the war on ill people has been making me more ill through. Or at least more often. I am doing all I can to get better so I can pursue my passions and work on my art instead of just dreaming about it. I have everything I need to make a living except for health and staff!! They may not want to give me a chance to get better but I am going to give myself that gift...thank ♥ and support from those who want to see me fly and support me in the ways they do so that even in the midst of adversity my wings are only clipped and have time to grow back stronger than ever....

I have been lifting myself and being uplifted by others. My expressing is more 'me' and I have felt restricted bodily and in my expression over the last few months. I feel I needed that process to break through the fear barrier a little more. One thing I am going to do is make a double appointment with the doctor whose focus on dwp policy scared me so much I was distressed to the point of seeing visions of myself self harming and became more ill again, a reminder of my breakdown when I was first declared fit for work. Also a reminder of when I first got ill physically and part of me was pleased it had come out that way rather than mentally shutting down or obsessing. I have experienced both and neither are much fun. One tends to make you curl up and sleep as much as possible and the other not eat, not sleep, not relax, not be able to deal with anything and pretty jittery.

Then the adrenals join the party and start playing up and it is all a matter of an emotional, mental and physical shitstorm that explodes from time to time....think of the shit demon from Dogma. But panic attacks are not funny either, although they look ridiculous to other people and secretly we feel like we are being ridiculous for having them, even when we understand partially why. The emotional issues triggering adrenalin surges, which affect the whole system including the emotions, that cycle of what comes first the emotion or the biological reaction in the system of our bodies not working due to conflicting thoughts and feelings going on.

I see this in the way patterns follow the minute in nature up to the immense...such as atoms, neurons, cells & galaxies all fascinating...I look for patterns in things if I am sat somewhere and there is a mould spot I will look for the pictures, or mud or working out the way the pattern works in a wallpaper or fabric, where the repeat happens and how well or badly it does. That could be because I did textile design on the GNVQ. I so wanted to take wildlife illustration back to learning more about textile design, but something I could probably excelled at but not why I am here.

Oh I tangented! Come closer, lean in I am going to whisper this I see dead people, well not very often but it has been known, no...I see patterns in the conflicts within us all and the breakdowns in community the old values and beliefs breaking down for many. No matter how we view the world, not many can still deny we are living in odd times which seem very nasty in places and beautiful in others. Where the most fear is generated gives power to those who would hold us in fear. Controlling, oppressive regimes that abuse many to benefit a few are given their power by our fear to speak up or do different. They also use many people controlled by the rules to do the dirty work.

End of the World? Be Happy Anyway Stuff Fear...up the jacksies of the abusers and controllers...but then again the fear they spread is fear owned by them. They know we are empowered by letting go of fear. I wonder if they know that they disempower themselves by trying to feed off the power of others? It means that they rely on us to play our role so they can feel in charge.

Hmm what does that actually mean?

Are we actually keeping them in a role if we all collude to trap us all in a web of fear?

I don't know the answer...that is why I keep asking questions and wondering about what life is all about. After all being restricted by body means I have a lot of time to think and do all I can to keep finding well being even when being ill.

Sunday, 7 October 2012

GBE2 73 ~ Picture Prompt ~ A Moment of Joy

A heart warming smile
from a stranger
with love behind
the twinkle in his eye
he could be a rich man
he could be poor
he could have had struggles
he could have suffered
his story unknown
in this moment
it's simple
in a smile.

Which rather allows me to take a huge step of artistic licence to say what I wanted to say regardless of the that naughty? 

When I woke up this morning I was thinking of what I said here...When people dismiss suffering it can make the suffering feel even worse...sometimes we need to speak out to show people how their ignorance is harmful. Compassion and at least an attempt to understand can go a long way towards dealing with it, especially in moments where it threatens to overwhelm us again...

After speaking to my mum and us having a lovely light-hearted and serious chat I wrote my status for today. 

*Our biggest enemy is attacks our well being worse than any other thing. The physical shite we go through is always made worse by how much fear it evokes within us...

All our most challenging emotions have fear at the base of them and all our uplifting emotions are given their wings by the love that is always available to us when not cloaked by our fear...

Our hope and our guiding light to get through the darkest times we face as individuals and as a combination which is the whole of humanity...including those rotten gits that stir the fear the worst...or something like that!

I've been dancing with fear the last few months...I have had many moments where I thought I would buckle and maybe even die...every moment I get fear out of the way I can breathe and I can manage to do something towards self care.

I have been working on facing my fears for a long time. Sometimes just experiencing them and finding our way back out the other side gives us insights that we share and help remind us all how much fear can cripple us and how much loving compassion shared helps us all...our fears can be sparked by similar things, buttons of past pain and loss...I wrote on my wall the other day I am not brave, I have just somehow managed to get through all the shite so that point I felt quite low. We all have more worth than we are often shown and by ourselves at times as well...when we support each other with outpourings of love and understanding we can inspire each other to keep on trucking through....*

I have had a better day than for months. Maybe I really am on the road to recovery this time. I rang mum again a couple of hours ago. I read out what I had written to her and my voice was stronger than she has heard it for a long time. She wanted her friend to hear it too and so I read it out again. Mum's friend often says what a waste of my talents by not being well enough to do much with them. I said it isn't a waste, it is unlikely I would have written that without the suffering I went through to come to that deeper understanding of what I already know!

I wonder if it makes the messages I feel the need to share in any way more powerful due to the suffering it took to get there? At the moment, I am in a state of love and understanding where my fear of continued suffering kept me trapped in a very limited state. I also wonder at the potential for increased well being as I let love wash away the fears my experience of life has challenged me with, including the fear of being treated as worthless due to being ill. Also of being a burden to those who care for me.

Fear is a cycle we can break out of from time to time, I think it is when we respect where the fear has come from and love anyway, trusting that we can free ourselves from fear, even deep rooted ones...or something like'll bite me on the bum again and become a pain in my neck and I may find myself struggling to breathe when fear gets me back in a grip, drowning in my sorrow at a life ripped out of me, again I will tell fear, I understand why you are here, eventually or sooner than later and I will be love again, with love I can reach for the stars and find my dreams stuffed down the back of the sofa...

Picture prompt found at...