Monday, 23 May 2011

How Can We Help & Be Helped

The day before my birthday is often a time for angst, it has been different this year, more reminiscent of 2007 when I was doing well and decided to go to Turkey on my own a couple of weeks later. I can't do that at the moment due to health and wealth or lack of it, even if I could I haven't got a passport. And there is another tangent. I am full of them today but it may be worth wading through the shit to find the gem in this one...I think...I may be wrong!

08.51 Monday, 23rd May 2011 ~ 11.56 long

Sunday was a very big day working on my psyche and my right to be a human being treated with dignity even though I am unable to support myself adequately enough to work and pay tax. Part of that was putting a lot of films into the video player that works downstairs.

so I may not have paid attention but they have done what they need including the good cry at the end of the last film, always made me cry! Started with this making me want to watch. I didn't actually sit and watch them properly but it has been different to sitting in silence apart from the humming in my ears and occasional youtube. I am low on broadband availability and so trying not to youtube...I have caught favourite bits of all the films and laughed and cried in a few appropriate places...while working through some of my stuff and writing about what it is to be ill and especially in this era with the draconian attitudes and seeming cruelty through ignorance or deliberate tends to dominate far more than I want it to but like getting through post trauma stress before, I do know I am doing well quicker each time i go through major trauma. I wonder if they in the atos would ever understand that....

Accidental Hero
It could Happen To you
Train Spotting
Match Maker
When Harry Met Sally....about to start...
Blues Brothers

I commented here...

and here...

and i wrote more about my sleep disorder as I work through the issues I am working through now on my facebook

Saturday, 21 May 2011

It Can Be Disappointing ~ Is That Why I Am Moaning?!

Elaine Edwards 21 May at 08:39
I think if you are blocking other people's energy then that makes you an empath who is blocking!

I did a charity hair cut in nov 2003 for a girl I was giving reiki to who was terminally ill, the hair dresser bleached my no 5 hair before she dyed it purple, I had an asthma attack due to the bleach and was put on steroids, then I started getting every infection going, the girl and the guy I met through the charity thing both had leukaemia died Feb 2004 I went to 3 funerals of 3 special people in 6weeks. I ended up in and out of hospital developing ever worsening cystic acne, that was pretty hard to come to terms with as I looked like a burns victim and it was painful as well....basically my immune system was killed off and I still had worse asthma symptoms than ever in my life and then the chronic fatigue started taking over as main symptom and fibromyalgia. I also went through panic attacks, another bout of ptsd (went through that in different ways due to rape at 18, unhappy marriage 19-29, rape 31, loss of family due to them losing respect for me, partly due to me going out with some younger men although I don't know all their reasons, loss of family unit which broke down under the strain of me being dangerously ill quite often with no other support physically than them when they were 15 & 18, having to give up on my self employment, ear infections (I had eczema and thrush in my ears and kept infecting them scratching. I stopped getting them so much when a doctor prescribed olive oil!), candida overgrowth, agoraphobia and the old insomnia! I have thoroughly researched feeling awful!

Don't forget when we 'heal' someone, we are really only ever being a facilitator for that person to heal themselves. 

I was told before I knew what I was doing quite naturally that I am a bit like a sponge and I mop up denser energies from places and around people just by being me and being open, too open I am often told. Being me the only way I know how to be and I have learnt/am learning to deal with being me in a world where there is quite a lot of density. I call it density because the way I am beginning to understand it, I prefer to call it light and heavy rather than light and dark! I have met very dense energy at times as well. Actually this is me redefining what I think of who I am, or who I think I am! I do this a lot really but I have been going through some massive changes and still in the old energies in ways of thinking about some things.

Bit by bit I was taught and developed for my individual needs grounding practises, cleansing practises,  letting go of that which does not belong to me, meditation and the realisation that we are what we think. I said for a long long time that nothing matters and it all matters. I am understanding that more as I live it in practise. I would get upset if things didn't go my way and focus on the upset and disappointment. I did have things massively not going my way, so I had been doing things rather out of kilter for many years to create that. Of course it is easy to stay in the hurt and pain of the things that happened to me. That is how so many of us are taught to be in so many ways. It wasn't easy learning to let go and move on rather than try to blunder on ignoring the things that hurt.

I noticed how so much person centred therapy is very much like spirituality. Recently I have read more about Jung and recognise a lot of similar experience. Although I can't remember it now, my capacity to retain large amounts of info is less than it has been and will be again.

I have seen people after they died and thought I was destined to be a medium, as I also counselled a few to move on from being earthbound. If I saw every spirit as clearly as I saw my granddad and a brother of someone once close to me and telepathically communicated with them I would do it, although i do understand that it doesn't usually work like that even for very gifted people. I think I could have trained to do that but maybe it isn't my highest ability. I sometimes feel like I am doing nothing, the propaganda against the 'workshy' has got to me at times. I know in this time I am doing things that are not valued by those who don't understand and valued by those who appreciate having me in their lives in whatever capacity. I've made peace with that. I am making peace with all my greatest fears. The thing it all boils down to is fear of disappointment and anguish. I am also I guess dealing with the fear and disappointment I am viewed with (or the love) and the fears I have created through my experience of being disappointing to others and them disappointing me.

I went off on one there...I may well share this...smiles

Am I Moaning?

I do find it quite overwhelming sometimes, all that I need to do and the little i can do at a time, never knowing quite how bad the payback will be but knowing how awful it can be and how it can also be better than I thought and I can keep doing a little more. One of the reasons I find it hard to get these jobs done is also because I want to keep going, like I would have done when I could I type this is it just over 5 hours later and I have had a bath and feel reasonably okay. I am ready for sleep now. It is I said earlier...

I'm round the bend
Back to front
Down to earth
Head in the clouds
My soul in mirth...
Wednesday 18th May 2011 11am

Thinking about it I started recording the videos because of the nature of invisible illness as such and to record the effects of unpredictable cyclic symptoms that culminate in a life where even ability to go to a regular appointment to help my condition is impossible more often than is good for me. Socialising is curtailed far more than i would like, although I have learnt to love and need a fair amount of isolation or solitude times. It was not easy when I started recording but in the last year it has got decidedly worse.

I felt bad while I was recording the video that it isn't upbeat and there isn't really much giggle factor to it...not even the fact I have a face pack on ready for my bath. I was quite flat when I recorded it, even though I was at the tail end of a not so bad pain cycle from doing the work, which wasn't as bad as when I took the cushions off and bunged them in the washing machine. I was forgetting to put more focus on what was going well than what was not so uplifting in my life. When life has lots of challenges that have been stacked against us for a long time it is easier to see the difficulty and harder to find the positive but even more vital to.

19th May 2011 04.51 length 9.02

I have linked to this one the video of my dog burrowing which forced me to tackle the job sooner than I felt comfortable doing, that was all early hours of Thursday morning, since then I have been pretty useless in terms of physical ability..

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

After Meditation After Slump

Today has been quite a day. I feel much better and am hoping to have a bath even though I couldn't have a clean bed today. Tonight I will be hugging my pillow dreaming dreams of clean beds and things like doesn't take much to make me happy really.

Had a lovely conversation on the phone with a lovely friend and am now in a face mask waiting for her to ring back after the break for teas and wees and to not go over the hour...smiles

Created 10-05-2011 at 18.20
5.55 long

having a spate of videoing this one is probably quite more boring to many than others...I don't really know why I do this in some ways. It is partly a record of how I am doing for myself. After being declared fit for work and knowing that the tests are unfair and that I am due going through the process again soon even though I haven't had the ESA reinstated yet and won the tribunal the last Thursday in March.....and breathe! Oh yeah and I am wearing a face mask too...I may not be proud but dignity doesn't depend on perfection.

Back to the plot! I was just watching a video I am not sharing of me meditating and was thinking of those who would think I am mad, or weird or crazy or just eccentric or actually doing quite well considering the life I have experienced. I was thinking I am remarkably sane for the insanity of abuse and pain I have suffered. I know my suffering has been far less than some but it has also been far worse than probably average...although it is not a competition to have suffered and got through it well or not so is a big thing and like a quote I saw the other day far too important to take too seriously...I love the fact I can find if not joy and bliss, a little peace in any chaos or emotional storm...


11-05-2011 at 01.19
 6.47 long

Now going to go and have that bath, it is 03.37 and I am still in the face mask...

Slump Before Meditation Maybe Coming Next

I just had a meditation after putting this video to upload. Forgive me my brain and body are not doing so well at the moment or at least my cognation and inflamed joints, worst affected are fingers and thumbs. So typing this is hurting me. Yesterday I had pain but not as severe and not muscle as well as joints. I allowed myself to feel sorry for myself in this video I didn't know what I would do as I have slumped today.

After yesterday singing and recording for the hardest hit thing this week and feeling pretty elated I have come down with a heavy body today. So I guess it is quite okay for me to feel a little upset by this. I am laughing a little as I write this, even though I am fully aware of the pain and tension, which is now draining and building back up. I did a little meditation, there will be more but for me this is all part of the process as well. We all have our own ways and none of us can try using the wrong ones for us without feeling worse. Like if I was made to go at a pace that suits the person trying to make me better's liking rather than the pace that actually suits me and helps me find my well being even if it isn't complete and my pounding head and throbbing body are saying all is not well.

I will more than likely do a follow on later this afternoon.

Eesh my tea went cold it is now 15.39 Tuesday 10th May 2011. Video was created 15.12 and is 8.19 mins long.

This is what I wrote on the video. It is now 15.57 as I write this. I've been walking about the house like an old woman, or maybe like one whose legs feel like rubber and who loses balance easy. A few times my knee locked backwards and when there is a tendency for that I keep my knees looser if I can. I am still releasing more tension than I realised had built up. I am getting some help some time today. I won't be able to do as much as I would have liked or could have done yesterday or Sunday. It will all happen in it's own time.

I was thinking about if pain didn't build up both physically and emotionally then we wouldn't bother attending to it at all. So why is the pain building? I want to escape the cruel system that is affecting all ill and disabled people. I have come to terms in many ways of the abusive way of the system. I don't like them but I know that by really allowing them to hurt me I have to hurt myself through them. That is the way of a bully and abused relationship. The fear factor is the most damaging thing, because no matter how badly a victim is treated the fear of it is worse. I could get out of the system if I can sell my house. I would need to make sure I had about 3 years maybe of being able to pay rent, fuel, food, etc. I think properly supported, that is in a decent house with adequate heating, good food and no huge money worries or fears of being made destitute I could maybe even be well enough to go self employed and be selling my work. The state of the house and the current climate means it may not be enough. I will try and investigate if i stay in a pattern of sleeping in the night. I know why I can't sleep at night. I don't want to face the thought of selling my home, the place I feel safest, even if the roof leaks and the rest of the ceiling could fall any's only been like that for 5 years, I'll be fine!

Monday, 9 May 2011

Is This The Way to Treat Disabled?

for felt good to sing these...mind it feels good to only have pain and to be able to breathe...smiles

Is this the way to treat disabled?
Struggling to put food on the table
Dreaming dreams of being able
And Dignitas that waits for me
Show me the way to being able
Take my pain and let me be able
Wipe my arse and make me stable
Its Dignitas that waits for me

When the day is dawning,
On a miserable Monday Morning
Atos want me to be there
To deny me freedom and care
Each disabled person
In a lonely flat
Ain't as half as healthy
As Atos claim they're at.

Is this the way to treat disabled?
Struggling to put food on the table
Dreaming dreams of being able
And Dignitas that waits for me
Show me the way to being able
Take my pain and let me be able
Wipe my arse and make me stable
Its Dignitas that waits for me

Verse 2;
There's a church bell ringing
Its a song of doom that its singing
For the sick and disabled
The Atos guy is coming to see them
Just beyond reason
There's a government deed
To remove our benefit
And increase all our need

Is this the way to treat disabled?
Struggling to put food on the table
Dreaming dreams of being able
And Dignitas that waits for me
Show me the way to being able
Take my pain and let me able
Wipe my arse and make me stable
Its Dignitas that waits for me

Que Sera, Sera

for hardesthit

When I was just a little girl
 I asked my mother, "What will I be?
Will I be healthy, will I be well?"
 Here's what she said to me
"Que Sera, Sera
Ask the DWP
They judge your ability
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be"

As I grew older, the sicker I got
I asked my sweetheart, "What lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows, day after day?"
Here's what my sweetheart said

"Dont talk daft to me
Neglect and poverty
Is the future for you, you see,
Que Sera, Sera
 What will be, will be"

Now I'm neglected and all on my own
 I ask society, "What will I be
Will I be costly, scrounger or worse?"
Those words have been said of me.

"Que Sera, Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, you see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be"