Monday, 28 February 2011

Triumphant Bath of The Great Unwashed.

love with human kinds present in life is a release into the dream state where all things are possible...or something along those lines...smiles
 I am so looking forward to the luxury of my nice clean bed and a clean's been a week, I hope I don't reek...too bad...smiles

Feeling the pull of the enveloping warm waters and it doesn't feel unsafe in any way...which is nice and a bit of a damn fine miracle, I am patting myself on the back for not holding association and perpetuating the real danger a bath can and has been. I may be being a little foolish sharing this because the energy of being close to the veil of death has been a part of my bath time experience more times than i care to remember, so being able to enjoy the luxurious feeling of water and cleaning skin is a triumph not everyone ever need to find. We can take so much for granted and today I am looking forward to taking advantage of being able to take that basic function for granted! The fact my bed already awaits made for me further empowers me towards an ordinary goal so often too far from my reach...and that my friends is beautiful. I go to get soaked in water, that comes so easily to me through my taps...I am soooo lucky to have that.
'And what you thought was lost was just mislaid' ~ Some People ~ Seventh Tree ~ Goldfrapp
I thought I'd lost my mind from time to time
I was sure I lost my health along the way
Tentative hold on wealth slipped away
Oh the image of lack and woe
I held it as my story and wallowed in its glory
Forgetting my soul is always hunky dory
My heart was always beating
Shallow oxygen intake I was breathing
I saw the obstacles clearing in my way
I sighed relief between times of grief
Keep laughing at that absurd cosmic joke
Appreciate with my heart and soul
This divinity of life.
© Elaine Edwards 04.02 1st March 2011  

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Is Ignorance Sublime

Is ignorance sublime
hiding from time
understanding reason
experience we bleed in
finding understanding
hard work so tiring
facing all our demons
find they too are fearful
tis why they seem so evil
the opposite of live
worries of past and future
stop us living Now
hold on to pain
what is there to gain
which one is the brave
ignorant or wise
truth it is them both
I send you all my love
if you will stay afraid
not face the big divide
if you fight the fight
I admire new found light
if your light is in the dark
I hope you find your spark
I will shine my light
I will find my delight
attract more light
but what of the moth?
© Elaine Edwards 01.53 4th July 2010

An old one...but think I needed to remind myself...
and one that went before this one...

Life is what you perceive it to be
I could just say it's shit
but then I would be lyin
Cos I'm not sat here dyin
I'm learning how to live
a being made of love
it's all just what we make it
so careful what you think
yet think with gay abandon
away from false belief
this is where we find
heart of the matter
matter of the heart
what is matter
particles and dust
what's the matter
I see my life unfold
not all a pretty picture
some parts quite divine
all through my perception
whaich changes all the time
the more I love all that is
the more I feel sublime.
© Elaine Edwards 04.39 29th June 2010

Monday, 21 February 2011

I'm in Reflective Mode...

Elaine Edwards
In bed, I sometimes forget almost what a triumph just being able to go upstairs n go to bed. There have been weeks at a time when I haven't been able to climb those stairs. I could hold so much resentment, I still feel a twinge of it when I look at things that have happened and backs that have turned. I forgot their were visitors this weekend. Lots of anniversaries and reflections at this time of year for me and others who matter to me, whether or not we speak. Then anniversaries of anniversaries when some things happened that connected to past that I hadn't even realised the date that yr of 2006. I also realised I'm very sensitive to the fact I am offensive to some just for being me and that can suddenly happen at any time even after years of being considered wonderful or 'ok, I spose!'  It's ok, still hurts when it happens but that's life. My only constant companion is me and I'm not that bad even if loved one's decide I'm not wanted around. I wouldn't change who I am for anyone. I wouldn't expect anyone to change who they are for me. We can always change how we are being but the fundamental who we are never changes, the pure essence of any human being is love, it depends how we deal with the shite life throws at us that determines how we are behaving, then perceptions of that determines other peoples opinions. Which are like bottyholes except we only have one solid waste disposal exit and the excrement that can be opinion may be many and varied, including mine. Don't know how to do gaps on mobile. Need a new copy of Benny and Joon, this one is freezing in same places again. Having subtitles on isn't helping this time. Cough, cough, splutter, splutter I'm starting to wonder if the fact tea is tasting foul and of milk no matter how little I put in is not just the milk no the turn, got a yuk taste in my mouth that isn't going away. Oh well in grand scheme of things it's no biggy. May be able to sleep now can at least meditate...
15 hours ago Monday 21st February, 2011 at 07.22

Elaine Edwards
Just wrote a particularly bad poem then thought more and cried sobbed let out some deep pain. I'm very tired and hoped I'd be asleep by now. I started thinking of trying to stay awake all day as well as night to get my sleeping back in order but I'm more likely to make of ill. At times like there I just have to surrender to my flow, which has no notice of a timetable indeed trying to enforce one can set me back lots. I still don't find surrendering to the unknown and uncertain less comforting than following a regular pattern. I'd far prefer to fit in a pattern and have assumed security of health and ability to self care, support myself using my talents and be able to partake in fun as well. I'd have loved to have been able to dance Sat night and be vibrant. It was a massive triumph to just get there and keep finding seating. Oh yeah wasn't intendin to say all that just a bit...this is what I was going to say.....I am tempted to come down to write a blog. That is silly it can wait, it is already written, just offer typing. . Am tired, I have expressed enough for now to be able to surrender to sleep, I hope. All pain is forgotten in dreams it gives up the release we need to keep carrying on another day. With hand cramps making a new fashion statement on my body i'll leave it here, let in also clenched jaw.. X
14 hours ago ·  08.56

Elaine Edwards
oh good grief, predictive text on the phone and I in instead of go and all sorts of other things...offer = needs

Been an emotional day, well evening only been awake 3 hours...

Think I messed up on what I was trying to say about learning to make peace with... the uncertainty, while still preferring the illusion of security, it isn't as comforting to know life may have a surprise in any moment or it may not. Even if my life appeared stable it could change in an instant or over the course of time....just thinking of Geoff in Coupling how he often says 'in the course of events' and then some outrageous thing such as jewellery getting swallowed...ah one of those crying, smiling, and laughing days. I'd love company but I guess I am kinda better left alone, I smell anyway for one thing and much as I would like a bath not up to it by myself...

wrote this elsewhere...
Elaine Edwards I bet you are right R :o)

I've had many challenges to my self esteem, not feeling like I fit in, bits of abuse, illness and the way society treats groups that are struggling the most through fear and and popular consensus. We have created a society where virtually all can be build up and ripped down by the values different people have. Some value money and power the most and some value love and humanity and there are many varied shades of the two combined...
about an hour ago ·  

I am too tired to write up the bad poem and writing that went after it just now. I have something resembling a meal. I may only have been up 6 hours but I am going to go back up to bed by midnight and try to sleep, maybe try to watch a film, that can often make me sleep! 

Oh does anyone know if we can set the time right so it is not 8 hours behind? Right now is nearly midnight but it looks as if I posted 8 hours ago according to the time...

Saturday, 12 February 2011

A Bit of a Poem From Before

things got even more interesting and different, continuing my learning on the themes I wrote of here...

Most things that I like
I love with delight
I love friends, expressing, chocolate
Sleep, relaxing, writing and reading
I love to create beauty on a blank page
I've learnt to control my fear and my rage
I have learnt that to hate hurts me
Far more than it ever hurts the person
Or thing that really irritated
I love that I have learnt not to take
Things that hurt to my heart
I can start to partake
A free life where nothing is personal
In converse as some verse
We really feel worse
When we accept a projection
Of fear onto us we don't want
I used to hate fear and anger and pain
Till I learnt to let go I need honour them
It was a hard lesson to know it's not messing
I created my life in this way
I gave myself plenty of opportunity
To heal my insecurity
At times I let it make me feel worse
I had not worked it out
I forgive my self doubt
And my slowness of getting the lessons
But one step at a time
I found the sublime
Now I've cleared much the debris of crisis
As I carry on living
I'll surely mess up further
So I'll carry on working it out
As we walk through our journey
Gliding in flow more in harmony
We may again change our course
Start swimming upstream
Let the drama evoke screams
Protesting at how it's not fair
If I do that again please slap me
Shock me back to my path so divine
My way may not be yours
It is not the only way
To empowered joyous existence
All our paths lead to our own way of being
When it comes to the end
All that matters my friend
Is the love we have shared
Not the pain of our birth
Of our soul back to where it came from.....
© Elaine Edwards 7th December 2007

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

The Process of Becoming

The Process of Becoming
Change is the only constant
Yet we resist it hard
We strive to find our happy place
To live there all the while
Unrealistic expectation
To stay in one emotion
Besides what would we be
If we only stayed the same
A statue of a human
A being with no flow
Stagnant in our misery
Refusing to let go
Exhibiting the fear
Dividing us from our soul
Not seeing the divinity
Still there unseen
It reunites us all
I have struggled in my journey
The fight with death and life
A process of awakening
Connecting me to soul
Before I took this challenge
I knew it would be tough
The physical restrictions
Symptoms not making sense
Being scared I won't find love
Yet love is all around me
Waiting for me to dive right in
Surrender to my living
So I don't die alive
I flow in my becoming.
© Elaine 02.10 21st July 2009.
While I was gone
I sat upon the poor man's throne
In a state of omphaloskepsis
An old new word I love
Meaning navel contemplation
I let go of some shit
Metaphorical literally
I flushed it all away
Washed myself of it
Wisdom doesn't follow rules
Society decided to inflict
It looks beyond the veil of lies
Letting go to jump right in the flow
We become just what we think
Often not actually who we are
Remember look beyond it all
To find the truth that hides.
© Elaine 02.33 21st July 2009.

Saturday, 5 February 2011

Mental Illness or Natural Response?

Abuse trauma is so often in the experience of those with considered mental illness...I may be being a bit controversial but I actually feel that makes it kind of worse calling it illness, it is reasonable response to have mental and emotional difficulties to work through once abused or traumatised by events that have threatened life or taken away our autonomy in moments. It would be kind of unhealthy to not have any repercussions at all in our emotional development.

Mental health is to me about understanding the psyche, first my own and understanding typical reactions to conditions we live in. It has helped me considerably to understand why people react in certain ways often due to fear of not looking normal or of the person they are rejecting not looking normal. Frustration is entering here because I have a foggy mind due to physical problems that are physical and stress related. I sort of know what I want to say but feel I can';t get it out in a reliable way so that more people will understand what I am saying than won't :o)

When people understand natural and reasonable reactions to experiences it is easier to deal with the fall out. When people are not comfortable around us because we have had trauma and talk about it, it represses our healing process. It is like we are jolted out of alignment with our self, the only person who can realign us is ourself with appropriate support in understanding that is possible with more ease. Society could give that support yet they seem often afraid of 'us' who are labelled with mental health problems. I think this is because really even if they don't name it in this way they know that ''there by the grace of whatever go them and it is frightening to consider. Too frightening to possibly admit, especially if they feel close to the edge themselves.

Segments of society that get together and understand the strength it takes to strive towards a healthy mental/emotional health, encourage each other and give each other respect for the trials that have brought us here are like gifts. Wouldn't it be marvellous if we could spread that gift out into broader society so more people understood better coping strategies and were supported in them without it being something that is considered taboo and something ultimately many would be ashamed of. We are all different and find many different ways to cope but the ones I find who seem to be able to work through their nightmares to follow their dreams tend often to be ones who find this understanding of their psyche by exploring the depth of their personality and all of who they are....finding it difficult again to put into words....exploring creativity and meditating, expressing myself have all been things that have kept me story that brought me here may still make me cry at times but I have made peace with much of it and I honour it and myself through loving the me it has helped create....I think! I may be jumbling words up though....grins

ps maybe I need to write this again one day when brain is functioning experience and the working through it to still find love instead of just fear putting a wall around my heart has all gone towards who I am today. Without the fear being magnified through adversity I may never have worked through it so intensely to determine love breaks down the walls of my own fear.

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Where is the Balance?

Elaine Edwards  a few signs are pointing towards chest infection but I'm thinking maybe it is more to do with facing a fear...fear can restrict the breathing and chest in a grip...but if I go wrong what would it matter? There is no wrong only against the flow... Tuesday at 12:29
  • Elaine Edwards I suppose actually I am trying to make sense of how my breathing is at the moment, last night when I went to bed to watch tv I went into a state that had I carried on I would have ended up needing oxygen. I managed to relax really easy with...out actually putting my mind over matter techniques into work. One reliable method of telling when chest infections have taken grip is the delightful and not at all embarrassing side effect of the increased stress of the cough. Yes I have wet myself a couple of times to the extent I have had to get changed and yet I have been able to do that. I am not always able to change without wearing myself out. What a mess eh? I suppose I ought to check my peak flow.

    I am always fascinated by the way my body works and my mind and the interaction between the two. They often don't seem to make medical sense in reality as we are led to believe in it. Yet one day we may learn what is being discovered today about the power of our minds to affect our bodies, our emotions play a very important part. We are not always aware of what our emotions are doing, especially if we don't look deeper below the first waves of them.

    My life could change dramatically, it could change in any way. There is always this possibility and times when possibilities are apparent it makes us anticipate change a bit more maybe. We tend to be a bit squeamish about change us people's or is it just me? Mmm bagel and marmite and lots of butter and cream cheese...ok food is distracting me and it needed to I am very hungry not had a proper meal really since sat...tut tut...I will allow the distraction and then get back to whatever it is I am going to do this afternoon.
    Tuesday at 12:43 ·
  • Elaine Edwards peak flow 250 low but not dangerous :o)   Tuesday at 12:44 ·
  • Elaine Edwards damn...dropping is a struggle I am trying to not get into...meditation time...  Tuesday at 14:10 ·
  • Talk to your body. Relax, relax if it knows what's best for the mind. x   Tuesday at 14:29 ·
  • Elaine Edwards yeah been doing that...recorded myself I look like a mad woman I think more than usual ;o) maybe not share that one but it has all eased off now...phew :o) x   Tuesday at 14:55 ·
  • 10...9...8...7...6....5...4...3...2..1 Breathe    Tuesday at 14:57 ·
  • just sat here smiling at though you can't see me...gonna surrender to the sofa...
    Tuesday at 15:00 ·
  • ‎::-)       Tuesday at 15:01 ·
  • Elaine Edwards x  Tuesday at 15:02 ·
  • Elaine Edwards just sang Reet Petite as if there has been nothing wrong with me all can always go either way at this juncture so i am going for relaxed recovery...smiles  Tuesday at 15:55 ·
Elaine Edwards  awake on nebs and tea is cooking a little late but that's the way it goes sometimes...I am hank marvin only ate some ready brek y'day...hoping mince and chips don't get burnt....smiles  about an hour ago ·  03.23

  • Elaine Edwards mmm only about a 1/3rd of the chips went in the dog's stomach before we started...he loves burnt things burning my mouth on the mince a bit...smiles
    about an hour ago ·
  • Elaine Edwards  I'm starting to feel a bit better now as I have eaten, although a bit hot and that post eating tiredness that seems more pronounced when food isn't taken into the system as often as it is needed. I have been awake 2 hours now, I finally fell asleep yesterday at 5pm, once my stomach calmed down a bit again. (woke at about 02.30am bit cold on sofa and Joey got under the blanket to warm me up glad he was under the blanket as I got his bum end facing me!)

    Yesterday I was on the nebs and actually considering if I needed hospital a few times, I may not have properly said that, no wonder it led to an inability to deal with nutrition and waste in the body, ibs is a right bugger when difficult emotions are dealt with and come to that so is breathing.

    Since I woke up I have been considering how lovely and a little bit terrifying it is when I meet someone who can not only deal with me at my worst, not invoke me to feel inadequate, guilty or revolting for the way it can be but who I could rely on. That is probably the bit that scares me, someone I can rely on. Doesn't that sound ridiculous? I am scared of relying on someone else, they may go away, we may fall out, I may drive them away, I may take advantage, the balance may be difficult to maintain....ahhhh that's getting to it I felt....

    It is hard to keep the balance alone with little support. I have had support offered and withdrawn in the past, some of it has been beautifully offered but kind of traumatic to receive or accept, some has been abusive and prescriptive with the person offering help or support thinking they know how to fix my life for me, trying to bully me to a certain cure or behaviour which doesn't take into account my central creativity. Our individual body rhythms can be out of sync with convention of society, the more I try to fit in with that the harder I find it to find my own natural body rhythm, the more of of sync I go and the worse my sleeping patterns become. Often my body will not allow me to do the things i want and need to do to do much more than survive. I have found ways to make that funny so I can somehow enjoy things as they are in each moment. That one isn't always understood. I am going off on a tangent.

    Balance. My balance, it is something I have been learning to keep even in incredibly difficult emotional and physical conditions. I have learnt to come back to a place where I can objectively look at my life and the circumstances I have lived through thus far and understand why one person will will me as fascinating and another boring or irritating. That isn't even the point though because it is the relationship I have with myself that is most important. I am incredibly aware of my responsibility to self to do what feels right, which includes taking into account other people who are affected by that too. I can get caught up in other people's emotions, I sometimes have to take time out to know what is mine what is theirs kind of thing. I am so used to being alone and had really learnt to love it. I am loving not spending time on my own as well, I am learning to be me in a new environment, my safe places and a person I feel safe with.

    This is very new for me, a new balance to find and find its own unique flow, it seems to be a gentle peaceful one*...if we can find our currents alone and they keep on matching we can hold hands as we drift down stream to our dreams....

    *which I appreciate muchly :o)
    See more     36 minutes ago  04.44 Thursday 3rd Feb 11
  • Elaine Edwards
    interesting spelling mistakes....well whole word mistakes in there...the first one, 'of of sync' instead of 'out of sync,' was not too revealing maybe, if either are? But this one 'one person will will me as fascinating' is quite an odd misswording as it should have been 'one person will SEE me as fascinating.'

    This is another kind of branch to my ponderings because if we really do create our own lives we are probably willing each other to be what we focus on, not necessarily in a good way, we may will another person's personality to fit in with our fears or our dreams of what would be the best in the world. We can have big dreams but the fears can sometimes get right in the way and balls the whole thing up completely. I know we are never finished and we can't really get it wrong but I am still facing fears of getting it wrong...and do you know what? I think that is healthy, I can identify what is causing me to have bodily displays of tensions despite the tremendous relaxation that has been happening as usual but in a different level it seems.

    I have a good feeling the gentle journey we have begun could display many of the aspects that make up each self taking it and be a wonderful adventure...

    19 minutes ago ·05.02
I tend to sometimes put fb wall stuff together, I used to do a version of this on myspace blogs. While I like blogging I tend not to be too serious about making it publishable kind of is often a kind of sharing that helps me to deal with a sometimes difficult somewhat confusing life and I have found that sharing in this manner sometimes is encouraging or inspiring to others. Partly through doing this over the years in all the different ways I have, it has helped me make sense of things more. All the people who have interacted with me through blogs and online chats have gone towards me continuing to bloom into myself and for that I am eternally matter what else has happened...smiles 

This and other things led me to ponder the question...
I sometimes wonder if illness or unease with life in any way, physical, mental, emotional is actually there for us to learn this, to find the faith within the faith of self being safe in our own hands...
...and any other hands we choose to put ourselves in, having choice taken away is not helpful but choosing these things freely with no fear of getting it wrong is empowering. It is still a bit of a process I am finding....smiles 05.46 Thursday 3rd February 2011
Now at 07.58 I am adding this, it may make it a little long but it seems to be the conclusion for now of this thread of thoughts...
is having a naked moment alone in body, mind and soul... 13 minutes ago ·
    • Elaine Edwards
      it is not at all scary! I may be preparing for something ;o)

      You may take that a wrong way and I am of no doubt that any photographic evidence of this will not be shared if indeed the aforementioned evidence is in existence...I am sure there are those who will be eternally grateful of that and some who may feel a little disappointed! I may not even be displaying any naughty bits in these private photos that no-one else ever need know about, like any private thought.

      Being naked is quite a vulnerable position to be in, even alone. We can't hide anything if our body, mind and soul are sat naked in the light of any contemplation. We could get seen somehow, however unlikely it is to have someone walking in on us can still make us feel less relaxed. We may not mind others seeing us so open, so revealed. We may be more coy with one person or less with another, we can start out coy and then not mind what is seen.

      I can remember when I had been 14 for a while and my body had been changing for some time. I found it fascinating, beautiful and ugly all at the same time. I sat and drew myself naked in my bedroom after a bath. I don't think any of us find it easy to come to terms with some of the realities of not being perfect! None of us are perfect, yet we are perfect the way we are. I am not that different to that 14 year old a little less flesh and firmness. I feel almost as nervous as the teenage girl I once was a little unsure about my self yet subtly aware of my feminine power and a little scared of that power. This I feel is what I may be coming to know and balance.
      2 seconds ago ·