I just had a meditation after putting this video to upload. Forgive me my brain and body are not doing so well at the moment or at least my cognation and inflamed joints, worst affected are fingers and thumbs. So typing this is hurting me. Yesterday I had pain but not as severe and not muscle as well as joints. I allowed myself to feel sorry for myself in this video I didn't know what I would do as I have slumped today.
After yesterday singing and recording for the hardest hit thing this week and feeling pretty elated I have come down with a heavy body today. So I guess it is quite okay for me to feel a little upset by this. I am laughing a little as I write this, even though I am fully aware of the pain and tension, which is now draining and building back up. I did a little meditation, there will be more but for me this is all part of the process as well. We all have our own ways and none of us can try using the wrong ones for us without feeling worse. Like if I was made to go at a pace that suits the person trying to make me better's liking rather than the pace that actually suits me and helps me find my well being even if it isn't complete and my pounding head and throbbing body are saying all is not well.
I will more than likely do a follow on later this afternoon.
Eesh my tea went cold it is now 15.39 Tuesday 10th May 2011. Video was created 15.12 and is 8.19 mins long.
This is what I wrote on the video. It is now 15.57 as I write this. I've been walking about the house like an old woman, or maybe like one whose legs feel like rubber and who loses balance easy. A few times my knee locked backwards and when there is a tendency for that I keep my knees looser if I can. I am still releasing more tension than I realised had built up. I am getting some help some time today. I won't be able to do as much as I would have liked or could have done yesterday or Sunday. It will all happen in it's own time.
I was thinking about if pain didn't build up both physically and emotionally then we wouldn't bother attending to it at all. So why is the pain building? I want to escape the cruel system that is affecting all ill and disabled people. I have come to terms in many ways of the abusive way of the system. I don't like them but I know that by really allowing them to hurt me I have to hurt myself through them. That is the way of a bully and abused relationship. The fear factor is the most damaging thing, because no matter how badly a victim is treated the fear of it is worse. I could get out of the system if I can sell my house. I would need to make sure I had about 3 years maybe of being able to pay rent, fuel, food, etc. I think properly supported, that is in a decent house with adequate heating, good food and no huge money worries or fears of being made destitute I could maybe even be well enough to go self employed and be selling my work. The state of the house and the current climate means it may not be enough. I will try and investigate if i stay in a pattern of sleeping in the night. I know why I can't sleep at night. I don't want to face the thought of selling my home, the place I feel safest, even if the roof leaks and the rest of the ceiling could fall any time....it's only been like that for 5 years, I'll be fine!
The thing about just coping with what we do, is that it often takes someone else outside of us to say "Er, no. Really, that's not even remotely okay." I've become so used to various things in my own life that I have my carer sometimes give me a reality check when things start to go pearshaped for me.
ReplyDeleteYou may think you're coping well - and you are - but "just coping well" isn't living. You could be "just coping well" in a cave but you'd still be in a cave.
My name here, and in other places, is Oya's Daughter. There's a reason for that - why don't you look up who Oya is when you have a bit of energy to do so - knowing full well that probably is so not today! See if She speaks to you a bit.
Ashe!
I have been called an Amazonian warrior woman before, that was by Alex White Plume on his land as I rode one of his horses bareback for the 2nd time in my life, after the time the night before finding that I am a natural, who was always scared of horses. I am in transformation as well...smiles
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about how I don't have typical days, some days I have little pain and no energy but can breathe, other days I have energy and lots of pain. I am aware of what is not normal kinds of health, I still remember them and tap into it for moments. I am learning to sustain well being. I have gone through chaos that many would call hell.
As the day had gone on the pain is receding and I have heard that the one who was going to help is going to help another loved one. I spoke to the other loved one, that was pretty special for me. There is more meditation to do. I am ready again to release more tension and old stuff I no longer need to limit and weigh me down...
Ooh looking up Ashe and the back of my neck is tingly and itchy....need to meditate now I will look later maybe :o) x