Thursday, 9 June 2011

Another view of my progress and process...

my single bed downstairs, now I have comfort for when I can't go upstairs or can't sleep in my bed. also house now it hasn't got carpet after my son helped me take it up and clean the years of dirt from under it...found tiles throughout, they are not great but they are better than stinking dirty carpet. I am slowly making my home support my well being and have had to wait for windows of well being to do so...smiles...

Wednesday 9th June 2011 at 04.12 length 6.20

I must add these statements just made to the details of ze video shared here...

there is what could be called a gratuitous boob shot I didn't realise I was pointing the camera at my boobs!
but yeah I think it is pretty good apart from that!
and talking to my doggy all daft
I'm clothed and wearing a bra as well....but boobs is boobs eh?!
I've fleshed out a bit the last few weeks...been skeletal for far too long!

I been tired but it does show lots of change...and me

having t'internet troubles posting things on I tried this without mention of boobies in the title see if it would help I edited it out but it still kept the title when i tried to post so I am starting again same post....

Nothing To See Here!

Changing this as I posted it again and can't delete blogs....does anyone know how to delete a whole blog?!

Sunday, 5 June 2011

I Lost Everything And Keep Finding Me ~ GBE2 Lost & Found Week 3

I Lost Everything And Keep Finding Me
I thought I'd lost my mind from time to time
I was sure I lost my health along the way
Tentative hold on wealth slipped away
Oh the image of lack and woe
I held it as my story and wallowed in its glory
Forgetting my soul is always hunky dory
My heart was always beating
Shallow oxygen intake I was breathing
I saw the obstacles clearing in my way
I sighed relief between times of grief
Keep laughing at that absurd cosmic joke
Appreciate with my heart and soul
This divinity of life.
© Elaine Edwards 04.02 1st March 2011

A few weeks ago I felt part of the rebirth of GBE2 but things have been happening since then and although life events could have been used as the topic last week Success, I have not yet been able to participate. I had many triumphs which are  partially documented in word and video below. I am going to the doctor in a couple of hours. I don't expect he will be able to help me sort my physical health out, he isn't as equipped as we tend to think doctors are. But I do need my physical problems recorded as other wise I am just making it up according to atos (unnum I think they were in America) the illness and disability deniers as they have become known to those who are being inappropriately declared fit for work. This isn't a blog about my struggles with them, the tribunal and consequent wait to be put in the reassessment phase again. That can wait. This is about me finding my health again, my well being. Not about the added difficulties they put in the mix by increasing stress and potential fear of not being safe. I had post trauma stress come up through that last year. I am learning to deal with it. It is a while huge tangent that I will go back to explore another time.

I have been transitioning as such. I had to move out of my middle room that has been like my birthing place for years, my womb where I feel safe, even with the ceiling crumbling and dropping little bits and spiders on me from time to time. I'd had pain in my hands, knees and fingers for weeks, elsewhere too just not as harsh as those. Then the ear infection just days after my birthday and feeling good about the progress I was making. I had to take painkillers, I couldn't relax ear pain away or avoid using them as much as possible like with my fingers, resting them when I had typed too much, opened a jar, held a cup, written or sketched. Ear pain was not to be ignored. I used some ear spray I had for emergencies from when i had ear infections almost constantly. A couple of days into it I discovered my fingers were not hurting or my knees, although I was a bit wobbly, hot cold etc, I didn't feel as bad in other ways than I often do. My breathing was marvellous and the fatigue wasn't as pervading as it had been even while fighting an infection that raged on. So I managed to move into a new space in the front room. I have called it my holiday in the front room, my restoration space, also not sure if it is the birth canal or nursery! I am resting, working through stuff, expressing, had visitors more than usual, been out once to shop and visit friends, it was the first time I had gone out alone since a few days before my birthday and being taken out 24th May. I have made the space pretty as well as I can and set it up with all my notes handy for when I feel able to start writing my book. It will be better when I can replace the temporary put me up bed with a single bed.

A week of using the ear spray had sorted the pain side of the ear to a certain extent and doctor was already booked so the hassle of trying to get a 5 min emergency appointment and feel rushed and have to go back for another appointment was not appealing. I started the olive oil treatment, thrush had taken hold, oh joy! As I tailed off using painkillers the pain came back in my hands with a bit of a vengeance. I have felt like I've been standing on them all day or clinging on to a tightrope for dear life. At any rate although my right index finger is actually quite comfortable with typing holding anything is not much good for it. I can't bend it very far today, that grip has got less effective, improved and got worse again. I'm trying bicarbonate of soda to help the pain after researching a bit about that and rheumatoid arthritis, which is pretty much what this feels like, although it sporadically has come and gone and the cfs/fibromyalgia seems to be pretty interlinked or related.

Since 31st May when I moved into my new space I have slept here, I've watched telly up on my bed a few times, so I have still ventured upstairs but I am expanding my horizons and keeping some comfort zone of the downstairs as well. I'm probably not explaining this very well I have been awake since about 4am (it is now 7.38am) I'd slept 5 hours after being awake for 5 hours and disrupted sleep for 10 hours before that. Sleeping in this space means I can just sleep when the feeling of need is strong and wake up when I wake and sleep again when it comes and not worry so much about the timing being conventional. It is part of allowing myself the space to heal and find my well being. I am giving myself permission to be lost and found. I am losing myself in finding me and one day I won't need to beg for the right to live, even though I am not functioning well enough to fit into society in an obvious useful way. I won't go into details but I know me being me has helped a few people this last couple of weeks to keep on trucking towards being them, there has been some intense sharing that is not for public sharing...smiles

I know I would make a damn good counsellor or advocate for people with so called hidden disability, pain can be seen in the face and pale complexion sometimes but it can also be ignored. We who hold pain can ignore it to a certain extent but we also have to deal with what it is that causes these symptoms, what is it that our body is screaming out at us to pay attention to? I am doing my best to work through holistically. I am thinking I need to change the chemical balance a little more with diet eliminating things that cause pain and swelling. I am a little reluctant to do that. I will in time, just got to get through this next step on the way to my well being, can;t do it all in one go, each step helps even if it seems totally backwards...

I had no idea where this would go and if I would flow but I seem to have, just have to read it again if and when I am less cloudy and fluffy. I've been meditating and somehow my dog made a video come up that was relevant today. I have so much to share but then so do we all and there isn't always time...I don't know how my week will progress but it will all be my process of life and my progress towards clearning the clutter of my life from within and in my surroundings...I was meaning to put clearing but cleaning also wanted to be in there so the word has become combined! Woah I nearly lost all this then I pressed return to list of posts by accident instead of publish, thanking the do you really want to do that option!

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Documenting My Process Progress With Love

My, my, I am expressive at the moment. 3 videos in the last hour or so, 1 on my camera that takes over an hour to upload, while uploading the one I am adding here to youtube. I am finding typing a bit strenuous but want to share, even if no-one else wants to, it is here. Some people pass silently through getting something or nothing from stuff I share. I get deeper inner peace and hope it guides those who are needing it insights of how to reach theirs, some of my methods work for many. I don't mind. I don't mean to cause offence but being me does to some. tis the same as us all, our cultures rage in wars and peace with each other just as our psyche does. I am an observer and participant in my own life, it seems the only way I can find well being is to go with my flow and my flow is very cleansing and healing at the moment, not without pain but I am in a phase of transformation...smiles

Good For What could Be Felt Bad

Already lost track of what I managed to say on this video. I felt at this 3rd attempt to document my progress which I share because others have asked me to keep doing but mainly for myself. Not sure which video I said that in now. I felt that this had lost and gained from the other two attempts and I expressed how for me the conditions I am living in today affect me.

I am doing so well, flowing with what energy I have in each moment, pushing it to test my limits but not too far, it feels. Like learning to walk a tightrope, sure we had a conversation about that yesterday. I am swollen in places, the painkillers are masking some of my bodies messages so I can blunder on and pay different prices it could seem to do things. I am gearing up for a major meditation or maybe just a series of them...

It is funny how things happen, how sets of circumstances and emotions surrounding them lead things to synchronise, things we try to avoid that we need to look at find other ways to make us. I am at the moment going through a huge change in physical and psychological, spiritual maybe whatever, I am changing and moving forward. I don't know where it is leading me but the flow is rushing me to my dreams, it isn't easy  y any means but I am enjoying the ride and making peace with the pain...expressing this is bringing a sense of peace with it so deep. I will meditate now.

Thursday 2nd June 2011 at 21.50 length 18.26
This as I say is the 3rd attempt at recording my progress the first I totally botched up early this morning I think, 2nd I didn't realise how long I had been recording and at 30.18 minutes long I don't think I'd be able to upload it. I noticed when I wrote in my book cataloguing most of my more recent videos I did at 20.50. My head is pounding as I write this at 22.18, same day.

It took 3 attempts to add this video and at 23.58 the time was being shown to me everywhere. I pikced my phone up to see if it was ready for me to try and text, hard with pudgy painful fingers, harder even than typing or writng. It was also the time showing as last draft saved. I pondered what to do as my food is burning...oh damn yes my food is burning.......

.....saved it, phew. Dog wants something, probably my cooking food. I made mince yesterday and putt some in fridge and cooked some for me and my friend with the rest of the wholemeal spaghetti I had. I put some in the pan and left it on 3 with the buzzer, which I didn't hear as it is further away and my ears are a bit clogged, as if I have just got off a plane or from underwater in varying degrees at the moment. I added some water, it had only just started burning in a small bit of the pan where the non stick has worn away, note to self really needs new set of pans, maybe it would be worth the investment. Essentials are not always taken care of. Side-tracked. I then went to the fridge and looked at it wondering why I was there, was it the right place to get whatever it was I intended to get, yes it was the tub of spaghetti, which will be edible once heated in with the mince, not ideal but good enough and better than burning or getting it right something in the oven and remembering or not to turn the oven off. I'm not even going to worry about it, I am transitioning and I will be able to meet every need somehow at the right moment, either that or I am heading for a flippin big fall. I've fallen so many times, thought it was going to finish me this time. It hasn' far....grins, what is to suppose it will next time? Fluck it innit? Enjoy what I have now, be genuinely me, express, love and heal my psyche, it's quite a full time job of it's own.

I love life and I love expressing and I don't mind if no one is listening....I am and I am growing into love, compassion and inner tranquillity. No wonder some think I have it easy, I get to feel free and wonderful while they move ever further away from their own well being and no-one wants to end up like me....

00.24 I sit down with my meal, it is hot but looks appetising to me and I am very hungry. I was going to add something else but I can't remember and I think eating is most important right now....smiles

Now 01.33 have eaten, interacted with a few people in the time delay way of fb and am trying to upload photos. Typing has been pushing it somewhat but I have taken more pain killers and added this video as well...

Me, Myself & I
Good grief how do I explain this one? You'll either have to watch it or not...whatever happens I needed to share...smiles x

2nd June 2011 at 23.21 length 9.02

I haven't even seen this maybe I will watch before I add! I changed the screen shot but I wasn't dealing well with light shining on me in this one and it isn't really very flattering but then not many are...

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

The Challenge Before the Triumph

I forgot to upload these in order so this and next one are from before the two before this one....confused you may be but I am even more! I did this one in bed at the start of an ear infection and talking about thoughts I had for shaving my hair to a no 1 in protest at the system...I am not sure now if I will or if I will shave it for the next assessment....who knows...

26th May 2001 20.17  3.17 long

I wasn't at all well so forgive me for muttering, forgetting what I was saying and stuff...

27th May 2011 at 08.50  length 12.32

I still need to have a good talk through about the proposed hair shave. I talk about what I felt it would achieve for me in the 2nd video. I was well below par so not very cheery I am sorry. As an energy thing our hair is said to hold the emotions and energies of what we have gone through for the past few years depending on how long it is. This is often an unconscious reason we sometimes cut our hair really short at the end of something we have been unhappy in or that has made us suffer in any way. We wash men or things outta our hair and cutting it off is a bigger statement of change and the chance of new beginnings...I can't say right now what way it will turn out but I would certainly like to cut out energies of feeling abused by the benefit system, metaphorically, energetically and physically. I will probably not look hot with short hair like I did when I did it for charity and before I got ill and lost my skin to acne and roscea (sp grr at having conditions I find hard to spell!!!)

 Adam was lovely....

Many people don't like the idea of me going through all that again, but I wouldn't have it bleached again, that is what caused the asthma attack and meds to save my life caused this and long term illness.

It would be in honour of this and surviving it and a serious goodbye to all that struggle energy as I enter a new phase of my life....well the intention is there and I am making as many steps towards it as I can...who knows what will happen, I could be hit by a bus tomorrow....mind it would probably have to crash through my front window!

A Triumph

Sat in the fumes of automatic washing liquid and dog wee and not feeling absolutely awful I started moving to my new spot, as I find it hard to stop I did far too much. This isn't a happy video, it is a triumph and the taste of ammonia and washing chemicals are on my tongue as I type. So now at 03.01 as I have eased off on the pain, I am going to make myself a cup of tea or two...clean cups this time as a treat!

Sigh I Don't Know What To Call This...I keep coming up with titles Carpets & Doing What I Can When i is now 03.48 and it is still 98% processed, hope it finishes sometime, or maybe I will have to upload again...

31st May 2011 at 02.42    7.37 long

I did reload...After A Struggle

As the day went on I rested, meditated, expressed a bit, thought about expressing, forgot what i was doing several times, and pottered. It is so nice being able to even at the end of a ear infection, well it is seeping a thick puss now, may have thrush, so may have to go to docs sooner, but can probably wait till my appointment Monday. I have got two videos I did after my birthday and when the ear infection started I don't think I have uploaded them yet, but I will. It doesn't matter that they will be in the wrong order as such.

My breathing is doing really well at the moment but then so are my emotions. Not only have I been visiting old memories as I search through the stuff, found 2 valentine cards from my daughter that she made for me when she was young and all sorts of other memories but it is clearing of debris from a long painful time of illness and rejection. In the past it has stirred up all sorts of emotional responses and more difficulty physically. I am hormonal as well, which I had not known was on it's way, so maybe also why I was so emotional a few days ago, although infection can do that too. I have made peace with so much of the pain of my past and present and who knows what will come in the future. All I can do is keep working through it all and surrendering to what is in each now, without trying to make it what I thought would make me happy. I am preparing to write my half developed book. I've been preparing for years!

I am so pleased with the progress I am making and less overwhelmed at the enormity of the task still ahead. This zed bed isn't as comfy as a proper single bed so i will still be going out to get one when I feel able to. I haven't been out under my own steam for nearly two weeks I think it is but I did get taken to the Chinese for my birthday last Tuesday which was nice and I have seen friends who visited Sat, so I haven't been totally isolated. I don't know how long this good phase will last but I am making the most of it and listening to my body to not push myself over the limit. This time of the year seems to be the time I have made great leaps of progress.

One day I will catch up and only have normal maintenance to take care of when able. And one day I am determined I will be well enough to go out and sell my work and earn a living again.

31st May 2011 at 16.43 12.48 long

The Epic Move To The Front Room