Thursday, 31 October 2013

WEEK #128 (10-27-13 to 11-2-13): ONLY THE ENDING

This is the end, the only end my friend...
I probably shouldn't announce it singing the words and resisting singing low, 'This is the eeeeeen-nd.' 
Murdering The Doors song, not being the worst thing that can happen. We often don't know the end is approaching in life because it isn't the end of a book with the obvious lack of another wadge of pages. Everything gets tied up neatly and the plot has a good feeling of completion, unless there is a new beginning to hint at for the next book to carry on from.

There are no real endings though, even death isn't an end. I have already talked about 'ol Grim. His story of the beginning. I have even published a picture of him when his story was born near the early chapters before going back to backfill the story which may happen next a bit more but not in this instance. As a narrator I know I have done a botch job and gone off on too many tangents. I don't think I introduced myself but I am sure you guessed I am her soul, the bit that is more in tune with creation itself.

There may even be another book because her story is so not over yet, we are however at the end of this particular book of it. Live or die her new phase of the story begins. She's ready to face the world, she understands the nature of fear, she accepts it may trick her again, she has learnt to love and forgive her imperfection of this incarnation and all that went before. The stories and games played out in experience stored in the files of the memories that make this life what it is. The feelings and emotions that she held onto past their let go date and the ones she let go more quickly as she learnt. But don't take my word for it. If she has come to your attention, ask your soul to tell you why.

22.36 31st October, 2013
I haven't yet typed it up but one day I may share the beginning that was written after the Grim Reaper picture was shared on fb and my friend asked to be named with the tune playing, We're only making plans for Nigel...'

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

A Clarity Moment With A Long Explanation!

Wednesday 23rd October 2013
I was just sat contemplating my navel (excuse me but I am too honest for my own good I am told) on the loo having a painful experience, breathing better than it has been all day. I was thinking about the past few days, the long run up of being so ill I was sat in the kitchen crying and shouting please help me, God please help me. I'd been making a bacon sandwich and scalding myself while making my flasks for by the bed. I don't usually ask for gods help that way, I am not one to pray that way. I felt better than I had for weeks that night in hospital after oxygen and lots of kindness shown to me and a hug from my daughter before the ambulance.

I had the usual argument with the doc who had the say so in whether I was admitted or not about steroids and what I have learnt about them, what I have also heard about increased risks of brittle bones and glaucoma. How they affected my immune system and how they gave me severe cystic acne, which has to be seen to be understood. I looked like a burns victim, I showed the pictures in hospital and to the carer Monday. The doctor wearing the black uniform took a really detailed history, which is a long story and contains much added stress from the way I have missed out on care and been mistreated by the benefits system.

She was lovely called me sausage quite a lot and said at one point about how I know my body best. That was so wonderful to hear, to be treated with care, respect and dignity. She kept saying sorry sausage as she had a few goes at getting the arterial blood sample. She only got a bit and it was looking like I would get the right wrist done as well, which I was already having the weak wrist pain in and had forgotten my wrist brace. The nurse hadn't been able to get a cannula in either and had a really difficult job getting blood out of me. She did say at one point as I went to eat the overripe banana I had, that I had high potassium levels in my bloods.

I cried at one point because I am not always used to being treated with kindness in the health system either. Apparently diagnosis of CFS and mental health issues can have that effect, some dismiss us as needing to pull our socks up or something. The worst thing about that is sometimes pulling my socks up is actually too much effort for me to be able to safely do it. Oxygen and being treated kindly both had a beneficial effect on me and I was feeling better than I had for weeks. My peak flow before going in had been 90, after coming out it was 200. Oddly for the first time ever I wasn't asked to do one the whole time I was in there.

I was put in the ACDU and the doctor really went to town on selling me the need to take the antibiotics. I asked if it was a viral or bacterial infection. He looked at me with almost a look of alarm and confusion. Then told me about how he has seen other people with bronchiectisis (sp? I really will have to learn my new label!) get breathless just moving their heads. I have been that bad. He talked of the damage being done to my lungs. I reluctantly gave in and took the antibiotic after an hour or so deliberating it. Knowing the balance between the damage antibiotics do in the short term awful ibs and the long term further reduce the bodies capacity to fight infection alone and best kept for times it is the last option. I knew really in this instance it wasn't that drastic.

In the morning, when the consultant told me that I was at the tail end of the infection and my body had fought it off, it was like music to my ears. He said it wasn't really going to make a difference in recovery time if I took the antibiotics so it was up to me. I decided against it and rather kicked myself for being pressured the night before but forgave myself at the same time. I was so much better and sent home, which felt good. I had felt safe and had been supported, empowered by the experience. Of course I find my own empowerment, it seems it was reflected back to me. The more I experiment with the idea of feeling safe equalling being safe and listening to my body and soul, the more I find it playing out in my life. It is often a challenge to feeling safe when conditions of your body can mean you feel closer to death than safe. In a way I suppose the fact that I am pretty sure I have a new adventure waiting when I do leave this body and its earthly bounds, means I am less afraid of dying than living in pain. I would like to live though. I think I have stuff to do. I would love to live with at least manageable pain and far less need for help from others to have a quality of life. I am willing to live with that if it is the only way I can.

Anyway the point started out with the clarity that came while I was in the act of omphaloskepsis whilst having yet another stinky poo since coming home. It may not have been necessary to take the antibiotics but maybe just taking that one causing a thorough purge of my gut wasn't such a bad thing. I don't know. I do wish that they would treat us holistically and help us appropriately as individuals. Talk us through the results of our blood tests properly and what foods would be best for us to eat, suited to our tastes and proportions for maximum chance of well being. We all respond differently to treatment and stress affects us all in various ways. I am sure I would be healthier in an environment that is dust and mould free, with support to get better. Little by little it has been coming to me as I work through all my fears. 

My dreams have been another tangent of my recent story. It seemed so clear as I sat there I need to write my story. I know it will be cathartic and I don't know if it needs to be a novel. There are things that are not mine to share, but I can share all that is just mine and some of the snippets of where my dreams, visions and inspired writing. I don't know, but I do know how it feels when the muse flows through me, I have no other choice but write or type or record what feels the need to be shared or simply aired for my own eyes or those who get to see my journals for whatever reason with or without my blessing. Even writing a private journal is a risk I keep choosing to take. I have a bookcase full when I finally gather them all together.

23.45 Wednesday 23rd October 2013

What led me to write the blog... someone asked if anyone had managed to come off prednisolone* and about DLA...I used to get high rate DLA but when I renewed 2008 I only got low rate...I was not coping well with the fight for benefits at the time and didn't fight it. I refuse prednisilone as it caused major cystic acne in 2004 that was so bad someone I know who was training as a nurse was worried I would get septicaemia. It also affected my moods badly and I am sure it was a major contribution to my immune system going on holiday and refusing to come home!

I did agree to them last year after a lot of pressure from doctors in the hospital when I was admitted last June. I had a different response mood wise because I have worked through a lot of my fears and pain from past abuse etc and as it was a positive experience being in hospital and I had an audience who enjoyed my upbeat mood. I came out of hospital in a state of mania. 

One of the things I noticed with different courses of treatment was that my emotions were the leading erm oh god can't think of the word...well underlies all the problems. If I feel unsafe and unsupported my symptoms get worse and when I feel safe I can have what appear to be miraculous remissions...if I am feeling emotionally low and upset my allergies are more easily triggered and if I am feeling loved and secure I can even cope with someone wearing perfume in the same room...

this is the rest of what I shared there...I wanted counselling but was not given it as it is not available from my surgery. I did have 2 years of it after being raped in 1994 and later starting an art college course, which was a therapy in its own right, exploring my creativity. The counselling was (free) at college...I am editing as I didn't make that clear. I had my first course of pred at the start of the art course but I am half sure the combination of counselling and art and the opening up of my life kept me back to staying a mild to moderate asthmatic. I went on to do my BA in art and trained in various healing techniques including Reiki. Then a year of post grad cert of education to teach in colleges but I wasn't keen on the politics and didn't finish that. I went on to do some counselling skills courses, which encouraged journalling which I continued to do after as my life fell apart around me and my health deteriorated along side, each affecting the other as such.

An allergic reaction to hair bleach in 2003, high dose of pred and then lowered immunity is what led to an unfortunate series of events that I have still not managed to get over enough to have stable health yet...partly due alos to the benefit system keep declaring me fit for work when I am not even fit to self care...

good luck hon...I hope you can find the best way forward for you to find your best well being that you can find...
*I love that they are known as 'devils tic tacs' they do help in some instances but for me they lead to even worse health to follow....this bit I added when I added this to the end of the blog for those who don't know the background to my life story. one of my favourite words...smiles

Saturday, 19 October 2013

Pain Passing Through

thank gawd it was the carer who is good with Joey and not scared of him when he barks...he was showing signs of distress and that he knows I could end up in hospital as he wouldn't leave me to go outside. I cried to her today...stayed on the bed and she made me a bacon sandwich, coffee and two flasks. If I'd had to get up and put Joey in the back door/bathroom area...well today I couldn't have done it and not got very ill...I have got another one visiting with the one who is scared of Joey on Wednesday and I will be able to go through my needs etc with her then. If I am still this bad hopefully she will be able to put Joey into the other room, although that could be a problem...he does look mean when really he is only distressed and signalling his protection of me...

I am in need of sharing at the moment the feelings as they pass through sharing them I can release them...we are often stopped from doing this as it is not being stoic and positive if we share the painful feelings we are experiencing. So many ways of thinking that prevent us from processing things, including grief and pain and anger...all things that fear controls in a major way. Love may be the bliss we feel when we forget fear for a moment of longer...
Just wrote on text...
Crying so much. Big clearing going on feeling lonely but not lonely. In need of help to find comfort as well as for practical things I can't do. Desperate & at peace. Not sure what to do with Joey if I end up in hospital, which I may not need due to care coming in or sort of because of it. Phew! Powerful energies going on xXx
How are you doing with it? xXx

 For the first time I welcome this pain, I am thankful for the clearing, it's painful but the end results are more releases, this is one step closer to better days. It was through sharing I found this less antagonistic struggle routine I go through each time breathing gets so difficult. Of course I want to fight for my breath and not feel this pain. It is there for a reason and I need to surrender to it to not make it more painful than it needs be by tension and the added fatigue of being unable to move about, relax or sleep but to be so exhausted I have fallen asleep sat up for moments in that state. Physical pain can be easier to identify than emotional pain but they are both the same thing and both cause more of the same in each other....

at the moment I am maintaining calm acceptance, coughing and spluttering a little less, still wheezing a loud tune. I am not all scrunched up as I tend to have to keep checking and letting go of in this phase of the decrease in ability to breathe effectively with worse moments as the mucus totally plugs the airways in moments that could induce absolute terror if I hadn't got used to it. I do get concerned at times because I know I push the limits but due to having similar coping home alone as in hospital when they refuse to give me oxygen without checking my stats when I am too breathless to eat and finding the battle with anxiety a bit of a losing one...but I have never lost the battle and it has been close far too many times for me to feel scared by it often and only then because I feel I have a job left to do and I don't want to leave my children...

My dad didn't want to leave his children either, so I know I could be wrong about having more life to live yet and not in as bad a way as I am at the moment. I have had worse days and have had better days again. I usually feel confident I can find them again, even if there is a huge challenge with lots of obstacles in my way to get through to prove I did have more to live for....although I don't need to prove it the same as I used to feel about things. If I have got it wrong I am at peace with that. I feel my life will only end when I have done what I am here to complete as the living embodiment of the personality and flesh called Elaine.

Just making peace with where I am in relation to my feelings and experience of being held back by inability to do things that could enhance my life, forgiving myself for not being fit for work, rest and play. Forgiving others for their own inabilities, we all have them and so serve both ourselves and each other less well than we may like or not much think about if we can cut things out of our thoughts, which of course we can't if we need to resolve them. We all hold on to our pain longer than we would need to if we had a healthy way to process it and while not depending on others to act in ways that please us for us to find the healthy balance.

Balance is easier to find in healthy settings. When it is being soothed back to balance the dance becomes more the last tango in shit stream without a paddle for a while more than the cha cha but always recovers back to the cha cha....embraced with enthusiasm or met with sulks and stubborn resistance the flip side of the stubborn person who keeps going through thick and thin to find love and joy again....we may also hold on to how unfair it is a bit longer than some people would and try to will our way through something quicker than we are capable of getting through it....we can be a bit impatient, with the patience of a saint....

17.17 (GMT) Saturday 19th October 2013

Sunday 01.56 ~  03.25 There's more...

Sometimes I go into meditation to release a build up of pain, which can happen very quickly and in the usual way in how I work and process the feelings things have brought up for me. I have never been able to do a mainstream meditation from the world of meditation. For me it can happen in an instant or can evade me without the prompt of special music or guided meditations. I have done at times meditation intensives then forgotten even to ground and hardly going into that space between perspectives, even for daydreaming. 

It looks to most people like I am mainly wasting time or at least frivolously frittering it, which makes some people a bit jealous of me being able to do that. I wouldn't have the opportunity and necessity of being the way I deal with being ill, if it were not for being quite dreadfully ill, in a way that most people would wail and stay more upset about than I do. Not that I would blame them, it isn't easy being ill in a way that could mean game over at any point. It isn't easy for people who love me to deal with either. Indeed some walk away, some come back and quite a few do the cha cha...or maybe the Oacky Koky, however do you spell that?

I do not think I am any worse or better than anyone else in the deserving stakes. Just because I may at present be considerably more ill than someone else in the support group, who can still do some of the things I would love to do and can't at the moment, doesn't mean I deserve to be looked after any more or less than them if they need support, they need support. I have friends who are better and worse than me in symptom collections. Honestly we don't collect them for the hell of it, although it can feel like we are in hell the more we collect. They just seem to come together in buy one get two free deals.

That can be made worse by the medications we have to take care of the medication that is saving your life while giving you more likelihood of getting a worse symptom that will debilitate you for longer and take more groups of medications. This is why I try to use different meditations, they help the release of toxins and medications tend to build up toxins and symptoms of toxic overload in the body. It can be fair to say that after some pretty bad reactions to some of the medication I have been given, I avoid it as much as I can. Even using nebs and ventolin inhalers is something I want to one day be able to give up. I may not be able to but I've had days where I haven't had to excessively limit activity and haven't needed to even use an inhaler, not many in the last couple of years but there had been a highly stressful chain of events that few know the half of it.

In that time I have against some odds not only stayed alive but had moments of feeling totally at peace, happy and unconcerned how much longer this difficult phase lasts for. Just thinking of a time when I was sat in the not so comfy, comfy chair, the heating was off because I was waiting for new gas heating and the old one had been condemned, so I had an electric heater on and many clothes. I had done the painful injection for the day, been to the clinic via hospital transport, you may or may not know the joy and horror of that beggars can't be choosers help that we are grateful of while wondering if we will survive another 3-4 hours in hospital waiting for the appointment time and lift home.

Always a surprise if it would be a get there in time for appointment or not. It is amazing because without it I would have been somewhat in trouble, clinic once or twice a week on warfarin and unable to keep my clotting levels right even when I remembered every dose, crying when I was feeling totally awful, as opposed to just dreadful. They often mainly ignored my crying! Which suited me yet also disturbed me! My least favourite days were when I found out I had to inject myself with heparin or a substitute type that stings worse. I had lost a lot of weight then too which meant I had more chance to the injection hurting. It wasn't a lasting pain but still hard to self inflict, I am not a fan of pain. I've just had to learn how to embrace it and relax into it. I have also learnt that we can get used to so many horrendous conditions felt within our bodies, minds and in our surroundings and still allow the appreciation of what we do have to celebrate.

At the moment I first started to describe, I was lost in an Avalon book, identifying with the characters, it was the one based around the life of Boudica. I was in my own home, sort of comfy, I'd just eaten something, I think. I would have to check my journal through the end ish of the 4 months I was attending anticoagulant clinic. I had coffee and my own space and would be able to stay home alone the next few days. I looked up at my shabby surroundings and realised I could have not been happier in that moment if I had been lounging in a comfy hotel room in Turkey. Although that appealed quite a lot and my health does improve when I am there or has done the 3 times I went, I was still just happy to be in my own space, in good enough comfort, getting lost back into stories that entertained me and made me think about if concepts the characters held as true, is true, what does that mean? I think there is a strong chance many aspects of many theories are close to the truth. It seems to me to be a case of untangling the web of lies woven within the truth...

This is why I loved Joan of Arcadia, Heroes, Medium etc on telly and the Avalon books too. They explored concepts in ways that made me think deeper again and heal deeper again. Oh just in case I haven't already made you run for the hills, I was going to share what I experienced in the meditation to release the intense back pain that came up while dealing with another bit of difficulty breathing. I closed my eyes and I could see fragments of massacre scenes, ancient, through history and far too recent. For a moment I felt like I was being ripped apart. Then I felt like I was being the killer and the killed all mixed into pain that contorted my face as I sobbed for both sides of the horror. I used to hate horror films, I still avoid blood and gore films if I can. I have always had enough scary stuff that nightmares used to terrify me with. It wasn't until I started to face me biggest fears that I learnt in dreams to say no to fearing monster types looking evil ugly. Charmed, Buffy and things like that helped too. I learnt more from fiction to face my fears than I learned in some workshops.

There is a mixture of information and disinformation in many ideas shared as truth. I've added a tangent maybe too far but I feel the need, the need to share. Not quite as noble as the need for speed, cocky, pain in the ass fighter pilots who need speed, but maybe a warrior all the same and maybe just as able to be a gob-shite in my own style. I may be doing good work, I may just be playing in my imagination, whatever I am doing I am enjoying my life even with some major hindrances to ease of joy. I enjoy it far deeper now it is so precious and rare to have a moment of easy, ease.

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Just When You Thought It Was Safe

energy bringing conflict
still catching by surprise
old fear buttons 
 again & again
truth is subjective
patterns re-presented
ego & soul 
running the show 
in tandem pedalling
not always equally
teacher & student
learning humility
humanity divinity
unity division
smoke & mirrors
you am I & I am you
and all things in between...
07.07 Wednesday 16th October 2013

be calm spread love ;)

Surprisingly enjoyable light-heartedness...lucky iplayer find  a bit fabulous ~ he's yummy & too young but sue me! 
Atlantis 1. The Earth Bull ~ 
Jason washes up on the shores of a strange and mysterious land:

Nice swift emotion processing...being in current challenges to peace...appreciating this

I am working out more how distraction is needed at it can help us work through our processes by taking a time out...I am still recovering from a non bath bath....I was not able to wash myself but I was able to sit in it and even sit back for a few moments a couple of times....things were going round my head about why certain buttons cause me to react in certain ways...

On a lighter note this was just so English, British...yes we have collective kinds of ways of being that has many subcultures among the masses of individuals that we recognise and feel at home with some and not so much with others. I am of the female gender that puts me in a group. I was born in England, that puts me in a group. I live in Wales that puts me in a group. I am an artist....and so on and so on. I don't get on with all females or all artists, that is okay. I don't attack other females for being a different expression of female than me. I would call a female up for being cruel if she ridiculed another female for being female in a different way or if she did it to me when I pointed it out as unkind.

This has slipped into the energy of what has been the drama in my life the last couple of days. By my life standard of drama it is insignificant in many ways but a major thing as well. In my process of working through it in a group situation, I was told to let it go before I was ready. While I was fresh from being mocked again. Something that hits buttons put there in my childhood. So yes of value but not an excuse for unkindness.

I see the system that I depend on for my living needs as very unkind in many places. I also appreciate it as I would not be able to live and survive without its grudgingly given subsistence. To shout out about it being unfair is something we are often admonished for by those who don't understand what it is to have to rely on a corrupt system. That may be a tangent too far but it is all a similar energy of control.

I had so many thoughts going round my head in the bath....being useful as a trigger to look even deeper does not excuse stubborn denial that the other did anything wrong at all, being obviously hurtful to many people all trying to be more heart centred and saying sorry for being sensitive and unable to deal with less kind energy.

I have also thought a lot about the fact I know I haven't got all the answers and I am doing the best I can with what I have at the moment on an energy level and the physical. I am a human as well as a being and sometimes react more from my human than my being and also the other way round.

Conflict only happens where there is at least two willing people to engage with it. If conflict is to be resolved fully then both have to see their role that leads to the play of battle of words and energy. To dismiss one sides part which could be seen as fault to blame them with is damaging as holding the blame aspect of conflict. It probably goes a long way to that being played out in so many creative ways we choose to. Projection is a funny one as well as often one 'side' will see the other side as projecting and themselves not doing so. This is a problem leading often in my experience to the one who uses the most deflection in the mirror of the interaction using it as evidence that they are always right and the other one is wrong. Hmm where does that leave either side? Both having won & both having lost maybe?

This is a work in progress as I unravel more. While I sat in the bath soaking in the epsom salts and still thinking I may be able to wash my hair and my body the thoughts came thick and fast. Memories of the very unkind ways of arguing and belittling to keep me subdued as a child by a sibling I could never please as it wasn't possible to change into a boy so I could be his brother and not this annoying little sister. If I had been Robert the little brother he would have liked and with the personality of me, I doubt it would have much changed the dynamics. I would have still been younger and still unable to deal with that style of arguing which was displayed so strongly by another the other day. 

Considered superior intelligence and picking every thing said and done to shreds and as evidence of my 'wrongness' and their 'rightness' is something that can bring me right back to that child who felt despondent and despairing of having a place in the world. As I realised I had worth no matter how any one else saw me it still got to me but in a different way. It is not fair. It is not kind. I don't like the energy. I watch out for my shadow self that may feel a bit superior at times. That old adage of 'don't sink to their level, you are better than them,' is unkind in its own way. I am not better than them, I may be behaving slightly better but that does not mean I am better. I get my knickers in a twist when they think they are better than me when they are not, no-one is. They often act as if they are while displaying very bad behaviour. There is a part of me that forgives that but also wants them to learn to be kind and they are not always ready for that.

I wrote the poem directly after an engagement of conflict energy. I tried to set the time to GMT but it will only stay at Pacific Daylight Time. I ended up setting it to post at that time I am presuming 8 hours later...I added this bit between the hours of 17.33 and 19.19 Thursday 17th October 2013

All of this has been shared on my facebook wall too but I decided to keep it more easily found by making it a blog...
ps. I was taught to be sarcastic and fight back with stinging words. I did for a while and can be very good at it, a cutting, off the cuff statement is very easy for me to deliver. I have done a lot of work on myself to not do that so much because I can be very unkind and being unkind is something I don't want to be.

Monday, 14 October 2013

Faulty Data Used to Divide & Conquer...

Elaine Edwards shared a photo

It hits a nerve when I see this kind of thing shared... I had to say this and not worry if it makes me unpopular...Elaine Edwards I wonder how accurate and true this is...if the pensioner is in receipt of housing benefit as well it would be higher...whether both the totals include all the same aspects such as council tax benefit and the housing etc....these kinds of figures are used to divide and conquer us and get us fighting among ourselves blaming others whose blame is not as deserved as the tax dodging and tax breaks to big the rich continue to get richer and the poor fight among themselves...

Elaine Edwards the system is wrong and in many places unfair in the most appalling ways but the propaganda used to deflect us away from the real problems and solutions make me feel sicker...
*The photos stated a figure for a pensioner and then for immigrants making it look like the later has around 4 times the amount a pensioner does. The way it was presented didn't make it clear what the figures included just came up with a total. I did keep it on my page but set to only me but it has now disappeared, either due to it being taken down or made private.* edit 18.41 15th October 2013

  •  Elaine Edwards it has annoyed me since I first got declared fit for work falsely the first is not immigrants fault that we are given a raw deal and when I talked about it that was what got used to deflect talking about my situation and the fact that there are people who fraud....far less than the press would have you believe...they use all this kind of stuff to harm us all more...that is why it upsets me 

    Elaine Edwards and of course there are people who think I am not really as bad as I say and think I look ok so I am....I was at a funeral of the guy I shaved my head for in a charity stunt (that led to my current state of health) and a man started talking about beating an immigrant to death to put others off....this kind of talk is dangerous it leads to that kind of idea being thought by some as reasonable...
  •  they say we can't afford to look after the sick and disabled but they lie....they can afford to pay for atos to abuse us and workfare that doesn't get people into work just working for their benefits and sanctions...they are spending more money on destroying the welfare system than they are saving from their austerity measures...I too wish to see pensioners, ill and disabled, unemployed and low paid workers properly supported but don't forget that many of the asylum seekers are not in the position that this suggests...and are in just as appalling conditions as many of us are...
    16 hours ago · Like · 3

  • Daily Mail is one of the worst offenders of taking the p out of the genuine by waging this war on us....I will stop here before I get upset...smiles

  •  And the false premise that we can't afford it...the corruption in governments around the world is quite appalling....I am sure there are many examples of the lies many believe
    we can't afford it...we will host the olymics, we can't afford it, we will h
    ave a big spend on the jubilee parties....we can't afford to care for the sick, we will have a state funeral for Maggie the ex most hated prime minister till Dave arrives on the scene....the bankers can have their massive bonuses and we will still bail out the banks....the government will have a pay rise and more expenses on top...ranty time over...smiles
  •  Thank you Geri I like your comment not for the sad news your country is suffering the same shizz but you understand why I feel the way I do  x

  • the only reason I shared it was to point out how bad this is...not for others to share it from my page feeling proud to spread the stuff that divides us...we are being played and I just found it ignorant to share it from my page...

  •  to me it is like me having a 'work sets you free' poster and explaining how it is being used to leave way for future murder of the workless~for whatever reason and then the person sharing it without pointing that out and being proud to work bloody hard and not be incapable...not giving a tinkers cuss for the struggling artist or the ill person...had to lighten it up a bit or I won't sleep!

 I guess I understand people not understanding the significance of spreading this but not spreading it after being given an opportunity to understand....if she wanted to share it do it from someone else's wall but not upset me....more than seeing it where I shared it from but then there is other stuff to do with knowing each other that factored in and the fact that she will be hurt I took her off list...

  • well I haven't seen her for well over a year so it could be some time before it gets to that point!
  • and I am pretty much housebound without help right now and often even if I had help...

so many people believe so much shit...and some would say the same of me...grins

 and I guess I did have a big sense of being let down I had been ignoring so when she did that it felt like a kick in the teeth after already being pushed out in the cold...

If it hadn't been for such a laborious procedure to defriend people I would have taken virtually every local person off my list a couple of months ago when my life felt so desperate and I had put pleas out for help and no-one responded....I was feeling no-one loves me, everybody hates me, I'm going to eat some wer-er-erms...big fat juicy ones incy wincy tiny ones, incy wincy wiincy wincy worms...oh dear....

 I am not immune to acting as reactively and regressively in a playground manner...although I never joined in with any of the running to go see the action when the chant fight fight fight started up I would stay where I was or get out of the way...

 I actually understand that and can be very forgiving of that having caused big breaks in contact...also understanding and appreciating I wouldn't have the energy to keep more up with many people and when the energy is not right things naturally happen and plans don't work out...and also appreciating the friendships that I can reconnect at any point with...those who mutually are pursuing other avenues as such...

I feel very serene...discussing this has helped loads...smiles

just kindness is such a blessing..

ffs it has been shared again!

  • I despair at this being shared it is propaganda to divide and conquer and deflect from the real truth about the reforms....I guess you didn't see my feelings about it?
  • And how I feel about it being shared as propaganda from my page 
  •  I am not happy about facts being distorted to share hatred towards scapegoats rather than do something about the real problems...sorry really upsets me
  • I shared it to point out the misinformation...I am seriously considering taking it down but the points I made about it are valid...someone I used to be friends with shared it from my page last night and I removed her from my's not that has nothing to do with immigrants the way they treat pensioners...this kind of thing has led to asylum seekers being treated even more badly...I am going to write a blog about it and remove it from my page...sorry if you feel uncomfortable with any of my feelings about this...

I tried to put this and it had been removed....bless I hope I haven't upset a gentle soul...
I've taken it off my page...what you do with it is your I said on my page it hits a raw nerve when this rubbish gets shared  x
It wasn't necessarily removed but she did defriend me...oh well...