I'm in Reflective Mode...

Elaine Edwards

In bed, I sometimes forget almost what a triumph just being able to go upstairs n go to bed. There have been weeks at a time when I haven't been able to climb those stairs. I could hold so much resentment, I still feel a twinge of it when I look at things that have happened and backs that have turned. I forgot their were visitors this weekend. Lots of anniversaries and reflections at this time of year for me and others who matter to me, whether or not we speak. Then anniversaries of anniversaries when some things happened that connected to past that I hadn't even realised the date that yr of 2006. I also realised I'm very sensitive to the fact I am offensive to some just for being me and that can suddenly happen at any time even after years of being considered wonderful or 'ok, I spose!'  It's ok, still hurts when it happens but that's life. My only constant companion is me and I'm not that bad even if loved one's decide I'm not wanted around. I wouldn't change who I am for anyone. I wouldn't expect anyone to change who they are for me. We can always change how we are being but the fundamental who we are never changes, the pure essence of any human being is love, it depends how we deal with the shite life throws at us that determines how we are behaving, then perceptions of that determines other peoples opinions. Which are like bottyholes except we only have one solid waste disposal exit and the excrement that can be opinion may be many and varied, including mine. Don't know how to do gaps on mobile. Need a new copy of Benny and Joon, this one is freezing in same places again. Having subtitles on isn't helping this time. Cough, cough, splutter, splutter I'm starting to wonder if the fact tea is tasting foul and of milk no matter how little I put in is not just the milk no the turn, got a yuk taste in my mouth that isn't going away. Oh well in grand scheme of things it's no biggy. May be able to sleep now can at least meditate...

15 hours ago Monday 21st February, 2011 at 07.22

Elaine Edwards

Just wrote a particularly bad poem then thought more and cried sobbed let out some deep pain. I'm very tired and hoped I'd be asleep by now. I started thinking of trying to stay awake all day as well as night to get my sleeping back in order but I'm more likely to make of ill. At times like there I just have to surrender to my flow, which has no notice of a timetable indeed trying to enforce one can set me back lots. I still don't find surrendering to the unknown and uncertain less comforting than following a regular pattern. I'd far prefer to fit in a pattern and have assumed security of health and ability to self care, support myself using my talents and be able to partake in fun as well. I'd have loved to have been able to dance Sat night and be vibrant. It was a massive triumph to just get there and keep finding seating. Oh yeah wasn't intendin to say all that just a bit...this is what I was going to say.....I am tempted to come down to write a blog. That is silly it can wait, it is already written, just offer typing. . Am tired, I have expressed enough for now to be able to surrender to sleep, I hope. All pain is forgotten in dreams it gives up the release we need to keep carrying on another day. With hand cramps making a new fashion statement on my body i'll leave it here, let in also clenched jaw.. X

14 hours ago ·  08.56

Elaine Edwards

oh good grief, predictive text on the phone and I in instead of go and all sorts of other things...offer = needs

Been an emotional day, well evening only been awake 3 hours...

Think I messed up on what I was trying to say about learning to make peace with... the uncertainty, while still preferring the illusion of security, it isn't as comforting to know life may have a surprise in any moment or it may not. Even if my life appeared stable it could change in an instant or over the course of time....just thinking of Geoff in Coupling how he often says 'in the course of events' and then some outrageous thing such as jewellery getting swallowed...ah one of those crying, smiling, and laughing days. I'd love company but I guess I am kinda better left alone, I smell anyway for one thing and much as I would like a bath not up to it by myself...

wrote this elsewhere...
Elaine Edwards I bet you are right R :o)

I've had many challenges to my self esteem, not feeling like I fit in, bits of abuse, illness and the way society treats groups that are struggling the most through fear and and popular consensus. We have created a society where virtually all can be build up and ripped down by the values different people have. Some value money and power the most and some value love and humanity and there are many varied shades of the two combined...

about an hour ago ·  

I am too tired to write up the bad poem and writing that went after it just now. I have something resembling a meal. I may only have been up 6 hours but I am going to go back up to bed by midnight and try to sleep, maybe try to watch a film, that can often make me sleep! 

Oh does anyone know if we can set the time right so it is not 8 hours behind? Right now is nearly midnight but it looks as if I posted 8 hours ago according to the time...