Sunday, 5 June 2011

I Lost Everything And Keep Finding Me ~ GBE2 Lost & Found Week 3

I Lost Everything And Keep Finding Me
I thought I'd lost my mind from time to time
I was sure I lost my health along the way
Tentative hold on wealth slipped away
Oh the image of lack and woe
I held it as my story and wallowed in its glory
Forgetting my soul is always hunky dory
My heart was always beating
Shallow oxygen intake I was breathing
I saw the obstacles clearing in my way
I sighed relief between times of grief
Keep laughing at that absurd cosmic joke
Appreciate with my heart and soul
This divinity of life.
© Elaine Edwards 04.02 1st March 2011

A few weeks ago I felt part of the rebirth of GBE2 but things have been happening since then and although life events could have been used as the topic last week Success, I have not yet been able to participate. I had many triumphs which are  partially documented in word and video below. I am going to the doctor in a couple of hours. I don't expect he will be able to help me sort my physical health out, he isn't as equipped as we tend to think doctors are. But I do need my physical problems recorded as other wise I am just making it up according to atos (unnum I think they were in America) the illness and disability deniers as they have become known to those who are being inappropriately declared fit for work. This isn't a blog about my struggles with them, the tribunal and consequent wait to be put in the reassessment phase again. That can wait. This is about me finding my health again, my well being. Not about the added difficulties they put in the mix by increasing stress and potential fear of not being safe. I had post trauma stress come up through that last year. I am learning to deal with it. It is a while huge tangent that I will go back to explore another time.

I have been transitioning as such. I had to move out of my middle room that has been like my birthing place for years, my womb where I feel safe, even with the ceiling crumbling and dropping little bits and spiders on me from time to time. I'd had pain in my hands, knees and fingers for weeks, elsewhere too just not as harsh as those. Then the ear infection just days after my birthday and feeling good about the progress I was making. I had to take painkillers, I couldn't relax ear pain away or avoid using them as much as possible like with my fingers, resting them when I had typed too much, opened a jar, held a cup, written or sketched. Ear pain was not to be ignored. I used some ear spray I had for emergencies from when i had ear infections almost constantly. A couple of days into it I discovered my fingers were not hurting or my knees, although I was a bit wobbly, hot cold etc, I didn't feel as bad in other ways than I often do. My breathing was marvellous and the fatigue wasn't as pervading as it had been even while fighting an infection that raged on. So I managed to move into a new space in the front room. I have called it my holiday in the front room, my restoration space, also not sure if it is the birth canal or nursery! I am resting, working through stuff, expressing, had visitors more than usual, been out once to shop and visit friends, it was the first time I had gone out alone since a few days before my birthday and being taken out 24th May. I have made the space pretty as well as I can and set it up with all my notes handy for when I feel able to start writing my book. It will be better when I can replace the temporary put me up bed with a single bed.

A week of using the ear spray had sorted the pain side of the ear to a certain extent and doctor was already booked so the hassle of trying to get a 5 min emergency appointment and feel rushed and have to go back for another appointment was not appealing. I started the olive oil treatment, thrush had taken hold, oh joy! As I tailed off using painkillers the pain came back in my hands with a bit of a vengeance. I have felt like I've been standing on them all day or clinging on to a tightrope for dear life. At any rate although my right index finger is actually quite comfortable with typing holding anything is not much good for it. I can't bend it very far today, that grip has got less effective, improved and got worse again. I'm trying bicarbonate of soda to help the pain after researching a bit about that and rheumatoid arthritis, which is pretty much what this feels like, although it sporadically has come and gone and the cfs/fibromyalgia seems to be pretty interlinked or related.

Since 31st May when I moved into my new space I have slept here, I've watched telly up on my bed a few times, so I have still ventured upstairs but I am expanding my horizons and keeping some comfort zone of the downstairs as well. I'm probably not explaining this very well I have been awake since about 4am (it is now 7.38am) I'd slept 5 hours after being awake for 5 hours and disrupted sleep for 10 hours before that. Sleeping in this space means I can just sleep when the feeling of need is strong and wake up when I wake and sleep again when it comes and not worry so much about the timing being conventional. It is part of allowing myself the space to heal and find my well being. I am giving myself permission to be lost and found. I am losing myself in finding me and one day I won't need to beg for the right to live, even though I am not functioning well enough to fit into society in an obvious useful way. I won't go into details but I know me being me has helped a few people this last couple of weeks to keep on trucking towards being them, there has been some intense sharing that is not for public sharing...smiles

I know I would make a damn good counsellor or advocate for people with so called hidden disability, pain can be seen in the face and pale complexion sometimes but it can also be ignored. We who hold pain can ignore it to a certain extent but we also have to deal with what it is that causes these symptoms, what is it that our body is screaming out at us to pay attention to? I am doing my best to work through holistically. I am thinking I need to change the chemical balance a little more with diet eliminating things that cause pain and swelling. I am a little reluctant to do that. I will in time, just got to get through this next step on the way to my well being, can;t do it all in one go, each step helps even if it seems totally backwards...

I had no idea where this would go and if I would flow but I seem to have, just have to read it again if and when I am less cloudy and fluffy. I've been meditating and somehow my dog made a video come up that was relevant today. I have so much to share but then so do we all and there isn't always time...I don't know how my week will progress but it will all be my process of life and my progress towards clearning the clutter of my life from within and in my surroundings...I was meaning to put clearing but cleaning also wanted to be in there so the word has become combined! Woah I nearly lost all this then I pressed return to list of posts by accident instead of publish, thanking the do you really want to do that option!


  1. HEY SWEETIE..i remember YOU! : ) ((hugs))

    ok the palate choice is the pale blue to rich blue's...and the core is INTENSE.
    Could relate to the "womb room" wow think we all have one of those.

    Ever read "dark night of the soul"? yup...eye getya. FOUND is breathtaking, just gotta stand and not allow the breath takers in. Like coffee lover reflected; think we all can relate to the land of misfit toys! LOVE ON

  2. Your words are always so honest and direct and, well, raw. Whenever I think of you, it is always with warmth and good wishes. ♥

  3. Your poem is beautiful. I'm sorry you are dealing with post trauma stress...I can only hope that through prayer and meditation you find the healing you need.


  4. Lovely write as always, Elaine... I'm sorry that you continue to suffer from illness and trauma. Many blessings to you!

  5. Brenda, I have lived the dark night many times...smiles...and come out the other end...and oh yes to the misfits thing, we had raggy dolls here...I said the other day...Sometimes you have to sift through a sea of shit to find the gem. Do you just see the shit or do you search for the gem...I have some lovely gems and quite a bit of shit too!

    Thank you Beth...doesn't seem right calling you a nerd but then I guess I am a nerd too...grins xxx

    Thank you Jenn...I'm getting there, always getting there :o)

    I managed the doctors very well today, I sat in the big waiting room and didn't cry or have a major panic. I did know I was seeing a very good and caring doctor who knows me, he asked how my kids were. He has seen me in a right state over the kids, it does make a difference when your doc is someone who has seen you through some very difficult times. I usually just go sit and wait in the corridor outside the doctors rooms as being in a room full of people can be far too overwhelming. Doc didn't even consider antibiotics, he took blood tests, a swab for my ear, and gave me a cream for the eye thing, can't remember what he called it now, I think it was something beginning with b! I went and got my prescription as well! Then shopping and bought new bedding for my downstairs bed. I also bought a new house phone a cordless I had a value less than £3 one and an mp3 player so I can record the next medical. I'll be able to see who is calling now and it has an address book so I don't have to find numbers!

    I have now got the means to spoil myself just a little, not extravagantly but such an unusual thing to be able to do, to be able to get more than totally essential things. Mind it is back to just essentials after this week. The bed is an essential and being comfortable. I am grateful I could go get it.

    I was going to my mums after but it had been the first time I was out in the day and able to cope and the pains were getting better in my knees and most of my fingers apart from the right index one which is still very swollen. I went to frame (local charity 2nd hand place) and got a bed. It is being delivered on Weds afternoon.I spent the evening at my mums and my son helped me bring all the stuff home, including 3 rugs I have been given by a friend of my mums.

    I had a rest watching the soaps and now I am here...for a very short while I may be in bed before Tuesday! Or I may just crash here...bed sounds is 23.01 if I don't go soon I will be sleeping here again.

  6. Thank you Marian...I'm working on gives us what we learn from and what we attract to us, I have learnt so much through all of this and I have a lot to give because of it. I wouldn't have so much to give if I hadn't been through it all...hugs and blessings to you too. <3 x

  7. As one who is going through cancer, asthma, pneumonia, bronchitis, and an assortment of lesser problems, I can totally relate to your story. I keep telling myself my health will improve and I keep hoping and praying that it will. I think I have a long road ahead of me, but it's a road I'm willing to travel. I sincerely hope your road to recovery is short and filled with more peace and joy than pain.

  8. Lovely post, many blessings to you! I hope you find your health soon and regain your strength.

  9. I love how clearly you speak, Elaine. You're definitely going on my blogroll....when I get round to sorting it out! *hugs*

  10. Theresa hugs...I also hope your journey through adversity is cushioned by peace...smiles

    Kate & Kathy thank you...I am trying to get to read others too but at the moment it is has been put on hold...smiles

    Thank you Mojo...smiles I aim to catch up probably on Friday with my reading, tomorrow is bed delivery day and Thursday Reflexology, which I have missed the last two weeks due to ear infection stuff...

    I remembered the word, eye blepharitis, it looks as if it is all tied in with the delightful Rosacea, which started up with the acne after large doses of prednisilone steroid makes me so wary of doctors...I've bathed it with bicarb of soda in boiling water and a cotton wool eye patch...there is a head right on my bottom eyelid edge, sore but nothing too drastic!

    Been reading much about how bicarbonate of soda can help chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, arthritis and all sorts of things, so I have been taking a spoon in a glass of water twice a day and my mum, bless her, has ordered a huge bag of epsom salts as it can help just by bathing in it, it's worth a try anyway. Apparently being an A type blood makes me more likely to become too acidic, which makes the body attack us inside incorrectly and these methods can help me become more alkaline...I will keep updates fingers are getting better and I have more strength back in them, although it is still not full strength yet!

    HUGS to all xxx

  11. Though I don't know your whole story, your words felt so honest and were thought provoking. Thank you for sharing this part of you.

  12. You are always in my thoughts and prayers~ Constantly sending the healing white light your way.
    Have they tested you for MS yet? My good friend was just diagnosed with it after having an MRI of her brain. She was misdiagnosed years ago with rheumatoid arthritis, when all along it's been MS mimicking RA, lupus, and a host of other illnesses.
    I pray for strength for you my friend~ Much love and many hugs your way : )

  13. Best of luck to you, Peace Artist. I have known pain throughout my body before. Fortunately, it left me. I found treatment through a rheumatologist, who discovered what I had. My muscles were releasing an enzyme that muscles shouldn't release. A CPK enzyme. This enzyme was traveling through my bloodstream, attacking all my tissues. By the time I was finally diagnosed, my body and joints were swollen and so painful to the touch. I had the hands of a 100 year old woman. My family and a good doctor pulled me through. I hope you find an answer that will make your condition treatable.


  14. Thank you both...had a few nurture days, still tired and in need of self nurture, so listening to my body and giving it rest, meditation, sleeping as and when...ears are still playing up and fingers while not very painful are reminding me they are there and not up to much! I have docs again beginning July. I haven't got a lot of faith in alopathic medicine although I also rely on it. I am working through some deep issues alongside clearing the debris of my inabilities...I cleared a shelf that still had rubble from Feb 2007 when the ceiling fell in the other day. I see patterns and metaphors in all my reality and thoughts about that. I am certain I am breaking out of limiting patterns...I may be some time, at a pace right for's an adventure this life whatever we bring into being eh? x

    I am certain I will get through this and the physical stuff will fade out with the limits I have created to keep me blocked into a life half lived.