I thought I'd lost my mind from time to time
I was sure I lost my health along the way
Tentative hold on wealth slipped away
Oh the image of lack and woe
I held it as my story and wallowed in its glory
Forgetting my soul is always hunky dory
My heart was always beating
Shallow oxygen intake I was breathing
I saw the obstacles clearing in my way
I sighed relief between times of grief
Keep laughing at that absurd cosmic joke
Appreciate with my heart and soul
This divinity of life.
© Elaine Edwards 04.02 1st March 2011
A few weeks ago I felt part of the rebirth of GBE2 but things have been happening since then and although life events could have been used as the topic last week Success, I have not yet been able to participate. I had many triumphs which are partially documented in word and video below. I am going to the doctor in a couple of hours. I don't expect he will be able to help me sort my physical health out, he isn't as equipped as we tend to think doctors are. But I do need my physical problems recorded as other wise I am just making it up according to atos (unnum I think they were in America) the illness and disability deniers as they have become known to those who are being inappropriately declared fit for work. This isn't a blog about my struggles with them, the tribunal and consequent wait to be put in the reassessment phase again. That can wait. This is about me finding my health again, my well being. Not about the added difficulties they put in the mix by increasing stress and potential fear of not being safe. I had post trauma stress come up through that last year. I am learning to deal with it. It is a while huge tangent that I will go back to explore another time.
I have been transitioning as such. I had to move out of my middle room that has been like my birthing place for years, my womb where I feel safe, even with the ceiling crumbling and dropping little bits and spiders on me from time to time. I'd had pain in my hands, knees and fingers for weeks, elsewhere too just not as harsh as those. Then the ear infection just days after my birthday and feeling good about the progress I was making. I had to take painkillers, I couldn't relax ear pain away or avoid using them as much as possible like with my fingers, resting them when I had typed too much, opened a jar, held a cup, written or sketched. Ear pain was not to be ignored. I used some ear spray I had for emergencies from when i had ear infections almost constantly. A couple of days into it I discovered my fingers were not hurting or my knees, although I was a bit wobbly, hot cold etc, I didn't feel as bad in other ways than I often do. My breathing was marvellous and the fatigue wasn't as pervading as it had been even while fighting an infection that raged on. So I managed to move into a new space in the front room. I have called it my holiday in the front room, my restoration space, also not sure if it is the birth canal or nursery! I am resting, working through stuff, expressing, had visitors more than usual, been out once to shop and visit friends, it was the first time I had gone out alone since a few days before my birthday and being taken out 24th May. I have made the space pretty as well as I can and set it up with all my notes handy for when I feel able to start writing my book. It will be better when I can replace the temporary put me up bed with a single bed.
A week of using the ear spray had sorted the pain side of the ear to a certain extent and doctor was already booked so the hassle of trying to get a 5 min emergency appointment and feel rushed and have to go back for another appointment was not appealing. I started the olive oil treatment, thrush had taken hold, oh joy! As I tailed off using painkillers the pain came back in my hands with a bit of a vengeance. I have felt like I've been standing on them all day or clinging on to a tightrope for dear life. At any rate although my right index finger is actually quite comfortable with typing holding anything is not much good for it. I can't bend it very far today, that grip has got less effective, improved and got worse again. I'm trying bicarbonate of soda to help the pain after researching a bit about that and rheumatoid arthritis, which is pretty much what this feels like, although it sporadically has come and gone and the cfs/fibromyalgia seems to be pretty interlinked or related.
Since 31st May when I moved into my new space I have slept here, I've watched telly up on my bed a few times, so I have still ventured upstairs but I am expanding my horizons and keeping some comfort zone of the downstairs as well. I'm probably not explaining this very well I have been awake since about 4am (it is now 7.38am) I'd slept 5 hours after being awake for 5 hours and disrupted sleep for 10 hours before that. Sleeping in this space means I can just sleep when the feeling of need is strong and wake up when I wake and sleep again when it comes and not worry so much about the timing being conventional. It is part of allowing myself the space to heal and find my well being. I am giving myself permission to be lost and found. I am losing myself in finding me and one day I won't need to beg for the right to live, even though I am not functioning well enough to fit into society in an obvious useful way. I won't go into details but I know me being me has helped a few people this last couple of weeks to keep on trucking towards being them, there has been some intense sharing that is not for public sharing...smiles
I know I would make a damn good counsellor or advocate for people with so called hidden disability, pain can be seen in the face and pale complexion sometimes but it can also be ignored. We who hold pain can ignore it to a certain extent but we also have to deal with what it is that causes these symptoms, what is it that our body is screaming out at us to pay attention to? I am doing my best to work through holistically. I am thinking I need to change the chemical balance a little more with diet eliminating things that cause pain and swelling. I am a little reluctant to do that. I will in time, just got to get through this next step on the way to my well being, can;t do it all in one go, each step helps even if it seems totally backwards...
I had no idea where this would go and if I would flow but I seem to have, just have to read it again if and when I am less cloudy and fluffy. I've been meditating and somehow my dog made a video come up that was relevant today. I have so much to share but then so do we all and there isn't always time...I don't know how my week will progress but it will all be my process of life and my progress towards clearning the clutter of my life from within and in my surroundings...I was meaning to put clearing but cleaning also wanted to be in there so the word has become combined! Woah I nearly lost all this then I pressed return to list of posts by accident instead of publish, thanking the do you really want to do that option!