Wednesday 20 November 2013

Letter To My Doctor

Posted on facebook 04.01 Wednesday 20th November 2013...
Having just realised that my appointment with the doctor who knows me best in my surgery is Monday and I haven't got a clue what my level of expression will be as it so often varies from moment to moment. I wrote a letter to take. I may give it to him anyway. I may try and type it up...


03.19 Wednesday 20th November 2013.
The last time I saw you as a patient was before I went to the rheumatology & I tried to get an appointment again but was going through the aftermath of Nov '11 hospital admittance & warfarin, hospital transport, one or twice weekly clinic. I then was declared fit for work, while in hospital, end of June '12. I was very ill dealing with that & could never get an appointment with you when a note was required and didn't have the ability to deal with anything less urgent, not to do with surviving.

Last time I saw you in the practise was the day I had my spirometer test 17th September. I am starting to get a little better since then with care now coming in. I'm getting help from CAB with my DLA claim too, which has eased a lot of the trauma & anxiety that comes up when dealing with asking for help & being unable to do even enough to look after myself. I still feel I can be better but there are many little steps & stages I need to get through. Including making my house fit to live in. The work it needs having done is out of my reach at the moment. I have no help for it but maybe when I am able to deal with it I will find the help I need.

So far there is progress. I am choosing to trust it will continue at a pace I can keep progressing in. So far it seems to be doing that. I am slowly learning to trust the support being available to me, while knowing at any time the support can be taken away, no matter how much I need it. A decision someone else makes about me. When suffering it is not easy to make peace with the fact you have to rely on others for your basic needs. I have to curb my enthusiasm to do things without losing the will to carry on, with no end in sight.

15,56 Weds
After writing this I was tired but unable to sleep, I tried again to settle down at....I will just post my comments off my status about this letter...

05.36 need longer lasting hot water bottle....
06.59  was that only just over an hour ago....I was close to sleep...ish...thinking about my major life events time line and surprised myself at pretty major ones I missed till I backtracked. things I once had bottled up and not faced till much later. I'd got to 2nd move to Germany, while pregnant, leaving terminally ill dad behind.

woah...Joey just went a bit agitated and barked at me. Not sure if he heard the wind knock the door again, it makes the letter box flap knock the door but I didn't hear anything. It was an enemy at the door kind of bark. He has finally settled in the few minutes taken to type this...

been back at bed just over 10 mins and started typing this that long ago....got hot water bottle and sorted maybe sleep will come when I settle back down...
07.01  just had to show him there is no-one at front door....
07.27 he probably wouldn't have barked if I had been asleep....or I may not have heard him....I can sleep with him barking...I've even fallen asleep while he barks...weird sleep isn't it? It can be so easy and unavoidable or so elusive and unobtainable....like the stuff they mine a paradise for in Avatar....
07.28 unobtanium sleep...no wonder they wanted to market it...
13.00 Oh god....horrible wake up with stranger again when expecting known carer....wasn't nice Joey barked she had little patience, I felt like I may pass out, felt sick...had to get out of bned
13.01 bed...she was getting cross at Joey barking as she tried to get out the door...I locked door and screamed for about 5 minutes.....I'm calming down a bit now
Joey having a premonition was suggested I think he did know something was going to happen today
funny thing is I nearly locked door again (when Joey barked before sleep)
13.16  I think he did...poor thing been hiding under the bed...I need a coffee now...feel shit have rung office in a right state asked them never to send a stranger again...just been to loo & made one...still keep bursting into a kind of wail
15.49  I'm much calmer now. I have been talking it through with my mom and a friend who knows me well and has helped in my self healing with energy and words, she is an amazing healer and I have managed to put it into perspective of the energy play more than the actual details, which is a sort of detachment but at the same time not in a closed down completely detach from reality way, which I have done before. It shocked me and was an uncontrollable reaction in my reality. I had just written a letter to my doctor saying I was learning to trust the system and know it could let me down at any time....going to finish typing that up....I was also wondering if after this jump start of my adrenals again if I run the engine properly will it help my adrenals work more appropriately?

I am going to try and eat the banana by my side in a minute....and keep grounding, grounding, grounding. Phew, it has been intense!

16.11   Of course it doesn't help that I am at most fragile and volatile point of my hormonal cycle right now as my period is starting...need to eat that banana!

 16.23 it's quite a trip...so much energy working through to a healing point for me, which is not comfortable much but powerful...smiles x