Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Where is the Balance?

Elaine Edwards  a few signs are pointing towards chest infection but I'm thinking maybe it is more to do with facing a fear...fear can restrict the breathing and chest in a grip...but if I go wrong what would it matter? There is no wrong only against the flow... Tuesday at 12:29
  • Elaine Edwards I suppose actually I am trying to make sense of how my breathing is at the moment, last night when I went to bed to watch tv I went into a state that had I carried on I would have ended up needing oxygen. I managed to relax really easy with...out actually putting my mind over matter techniques into work. One reliable method of telling when chest infections have taken grip is the delightful and not at all embarrassing side effect of the increased stress of the cough. Yes I have wet myself a couple of times to the extent I have had to get changed and yet I have been able to do that. I am not always able to change without wearing myself out. What a mess eh? I suppose I ought to check my peak flow.

    I am always fascinated by the way my body works and my mind and the interaction between the two. They often don't seem to make medical sense in reality as we are led to believe in it. Yet one day we may learn what is being discovered today about the power of our minds to affect our bodies, our emotions play a very important part. We are not always aware of what our emotions are doing, especially if we don't look deeper below the first waves of them.

    My life could change dramatically, it could change in any way. There is always this possibility and times when possibilities are apparent it makes us anticipate change a bit more maybe. We tend to be a bit squeamish about change us people's or is it just me? Mmm bagel and marmite and lots of butter and cream cheese...ok food is distracting me and it needed to I am very hungry not had a proper meal really since sat...tut tut...I will allow the distraction and then get back to whatever it is I am going to do this afternoon.
    Tuesday at 12:43 ·
  • Elaine Edwards peak flow 250 low but not dangerous :o)   Tuesday at 12:44 ·
  • Elaine Edwards damn...dropping is a struggle I am trying to not get into...meditation time...  Tuesday at 14:10 ·
  • Talk to your body. Relax, relax if it knows what's best for the mind. x   Tuesday at 14:29 ·
  • Elaine Edwards yeah been doing that...recorded myself I look like a mad woman I think more than usual ;o) maybe not share that one but it has all eased off now...phew :o) x   Tuesday at 14:55 ·
  • 10...9...8...7...6....5...4...3...2..1 Breathe    Tuesday at 14:57 ·
  • just sat here smiling at though you can't see me...gonna surrender to the sofa...
    Tuesday at 15:00 ·
  • ‎::-)       Tuesday at 15:01 ·
  • Elaine Edwards x  Tuesday at 15:02 ·
  • Elaine Edwards just sang Reet Petite as if there has been nothing wrong with me all can always go either way at this juncture so i am going for relaxed recovery...smiles  Tuesday at 15:55 ·
Elaine Edwards  awake on nebs and tea is cooking a little late but that's the way it goes sometimes...I am hank marvin only ate some ready brek y'day...hoping mince and chips don't get burnt....smiles  about an hour ago ·  03.23

  • Elaine Edwards mmm only about a 1/3rd of the chips went in the dog's stomach before we started...he loves burnt things burning my mouth on the mince a bit...smiles
    about an hour ago ·
  • Elaine Edwards  I'm starting to feel a bit better now as I have eaten, although a bit hot and that post eating tiredness that seems more pronounced when food isn't taken into the system as often as it is needed. I have been awake 2 hours now, I finally fell asleep yesterday at 5pm, once my stomach calmed down a bit again. (woke at about 02.30am bit cold on sofa and Joey got under the blanket to warm me up glad he was under the blanket as I got his bum end facing me!)

    Yesterday I was on the nebs and actually considering if I needed hospital a few times, I may not have properly said that, no wonder it led to an inability to deal with nutrition and waste in the body, ibs is a right bugger when difficult emotions are dealt with and come to that so is breathing.

    Since I woke up I have been considering how lovely and a little bit terrifying it is when I meet someone who can not only deal with me at my worst, not invoke me to feel inadequate, guilty or revolting for the way it can be but who I could rely on. That is probably the bit that scares me, someone I can rely on. Doesn't that sound ridiculous? I am scared of relying on someone else, they may go away, we may fall out, I may drive them away, I may take advantage, the balance may be difficult to maintain....ahhhh that's getting to it I felt....

    It is hard to keep the balance alone with little support. I have had support offered and withdrawn in the past, some of it has been beautifully offered but kind of traumatic to receive or accept, some has been abusive and prescriptive with the person offering help or support thinking they know how to fix my life for me, trying to bully me to a certain cure or behaviour which doesn't take into account my central creativity. Our individual body rhythms can be out of sync with convention of society, the more I try to fit in with that the harder I find it to find my own natural body rhythm, the more of of sync I go and the worse my sleeping patterns become. Often my body will not allow me to do the things i want and need to do to do much more than survive. I have found ways to make that funny so I can somehow enjoy things as they are in each moment. That one isn't always understood. I am going off on a tangent.

    Balance. My balance, it is something I have been learning to keep even in incredibly difficult emotional and physical conditions. I have learnt to come back to a place where I can objectively look at my life and the circumstances I have lived through thus far and understand why one person will will me as fascinating and another boring or irritating. That isn't even the point though because it is the relationship I have with myself that is most important. I am incredibly aware of my responsibility to self to do what feels right, which includes taking into account other people who are affected by that too. I can get caught up in other people's emotions, I sometimes have to take time out to know what is mine what is theirs kind of thing. I am so used to being alone and had really learnt to love it. I am loving not spending time on my own as well, I am learning to be me in a new environment, my safe places and a person I feel safe with.

    This is very new for me, a new balance to find and find its own unique flow, it seems to be a gentle peaceful one*...if we can find our currents alone and they keep on matching we can hold hands as we drift down stream to our dreams....

    *which I appreciate muchly :o)
    See more     36 minutes ago  04.44 Thursday 3rd Feb 11
  • Elaine Edwards
    interesting spelling mistakes....well whole word mistakes in there...the first one, 'of of sync' instead of 'out of sync,' was not too revealing maybe, if either are? But this one 'one person will will me as fascinating' is quite an odd misswording as it should have been 'one person will SEE me as fascinating.'

    This is another kind of branch to my ponderings because if we really do create our own lives we are probably willing each other to be what we focus on, not necessarily in a good way, we may will another person's personality to fit in with our fears or our dreams of what would be the best in the world. We can have big dreams but the fears can sometimes get right in the way and balls the whole thing up completely. I know we are never finished and we can't really get it wrong but I am still facing fears of getting it wrong...and do you know what? I think that is healthy, I can identify what is causing me to have bodily displays of tensions despite the tremendous relaxation that has been happening as usual but in a different level it seems.

    I have a good feeling the gentle journey we have begun could display many of the aspects that make up each self taking it and be a wonderful adventure...

    19 minutes ago ·05.02
I tend to sometimes put fb wall stuff together, I used to do a version of this on myspace blogs. While I like blogging I tend not to be too serious about making it publishable kind of is often a kind of sharing that helps me to deal with a sometimes difficult somewhat confusing life and I have found that sharing in this manner sometimes is encouraging or inspiring to others. Partly through doing this over the years in all the different ways I have, it has helped me make sense of things more. All the people who have interacted with me through blogs and online chats have gone towards me continuing to bloom into myself and for that I am eternally matter what else has happened...smiles 

This and other things led me to ponder the question...
I sometimes wonder if illness or unease with life in any way, physical, mental, emotional is actually there for us to learn this, to find the faith within the faith of self being safe in our own hands...
...and any other hands we choose to put ourselves in, having choice taken away is not helpful but choosing these things freely with no fear of getting it wrong is empowering. It is still a bit of a process I am finding....smiles 05.46 Thursday 3rd February 2011
Now at 07.58 I am adding this, it may make it a little long but it seems to be the conclusion for now of this thread of thoughts...
is having a naked moment alone in body, mind and soul... 13 minutes ago ·
    • Elaine Edwards
      it is not at all scary! I may be preparing for something ;o)

      You may take that a wrong way and I am of no doubt that any photographic evidence of this will not be shared if indeed the aforementioned evidence is in existence...I am sure there are those who will be eternally grateful of that and some who may feel a little disappointed! I may not even be displaying any naughty bits in these private photos that no-one else ever need know about, like any private thought.

      Being naked is quite a vulnerable position to be in, even alone. We can't hide anything if our body, mind and soul are sat naked in the light of any contemplation. We could get seen somehow, however unlikely it is to have someone walking in on us can still make us feel less relaxed. We may not mind others seeing us so open, so revealed. We may be more coy with one person or less with another, we can start out coy and then not mind what is seen.

      I can remember when I had been 14 for a while and my body had been changing for some time. I found it fascinating, beautiful and ugly all at the same time. I sat and drew myself naked in my bedroom after a bath. I don't think any of us find it easy to come to terms with some of the realities of not being perfect! None of us are perfect, yet we are perfect the way we are. I am not that different to that 14 year old a little less flesh and firmness. I feel almost as nervous as the teenage girl I once was a little unsure about my self yet subtly aware of my feminine power and a little scared of that power. This I feel is what I may be coming to know and balance.
      2 seconds ago ·

No comments:

Post a Comment