oh and eating cold hard but tasty well done chicken...and may have to have another cup of tea and may not be as quiet as she first thought...and she is now wondering why she is referring to herself in the 3rd person but isn't worried cos this is the kind of thing people do when they are preparing to write their first book maybe...I don't know but I don't care. I can't be any other way than how I am and I don't want to harm myself trying to be. I don't fit into society very well the way I am but I can live with that. It's better than dying trying to fit in.
Ah it seems from this lovely bubble a dash of communication comes forward...as I sit narrating what I am to write to myself!
It seems to have vanished as I sat forward to type again.
Where was I?
Considering the times I have felt like dying is a better option to what I am living. I have been talking of my past, of moments that were horrific to live through and heartbreaking to a fair extreme. I was considering that the experiences i have had have given me insights into the damage that things worse on the sliding scale of bad things to happen to a person. Added to the mix was reading Sue's blog about Clegg's plan to 'cure' the mental health of the nation. Which made me laugh because the government have felt like big bullies to those who have any part of their health problems affected by their self image and mental health, often due to trauma. Then add trauma of being declared fit for work when you really wish you were so you could get on and create all the things you have in line to do when you find a precious bit of energy. The way abuse and indifference affects us is pretty badly on the whole. To be cured of this is not really the way it works. To make peace with it makes life a much better place to be. Less thoughts of dying being an easier option.
I always found it ironic when I had been making tentative or strong plans to end it I would often have the choice of panicking in a real life threatened situation. Had I panicked in those moments I am certain at least one or two of them would have resulted in me not being here now and some may have resulted in a long hospital stay or being sent home unfit to self care. My will to live has always over-written my will to not live and not keep striving to make peace with my struggle. I really don't know how I have survived some moments. At times facing my fears has been intense physical pain that has no medical reason as far as I know. Most of these I have not reported to the doctor as they don't very often take full notes of all symptoms I am experiencing. I don't think the tinnitus is on record and has never been acknowledged that I have mentioned it or examinations taken place for it. I don't mind it I made peace with it early on, two years later I don't always notice it.
For now I think I am done...
Elaine EdwardsI'd love to be able to be involved in a protest art group, that sounds like an amazing opportunity, although I may not have the energy to give to it that I would want to. I do actually have a few theories of if not cures ways of making the cfs less invasive on living, these would benefit some and not others as all 'cures' need to be tailored to the individuals personality and belief or ideas system. The placebo effect is marvellous but the kind of reverse has been happening with all the fear and poverty that is being added to the mix worse than it already was. In experiencing it myself and making peace with it to a great extent, I have come to understand maybe a little of the game-play, at least knowing what triggers they have been hitting on many people. The feeling that it is sinister and intended just adds to the trauma experienced, making it a little harder to stop playing the game of the victim of the system. I am still not able to make phone calls and do essential practical things to be able to be a correct citizen as such. I'm thinking of the therapy of transactional analysis as I write this.2 seconds ago <<< I was then added this
First let me fill you in on yesterday...
22 hours ago
Elaine Edwards smiles...he has no chance, it is not in an area he can climb up to...in a roasting tin with a lid...he always gets a feast when I cook chicken portions as he gets the skin, I am being very ambitious cos I am defrosting enough to make soup...seeing as I burnt my last one the other nights some time ago in the haze of the days as I sleep odd hours...grins 22 hours ago
Elaine Edwards Smiles...we all need our quick ones...don't fancy that one myself but I do have ways to feed myself when spoons are low....I do need to shop though as many of those emergency quickies are needing to be restocked...I'm kind of resisting asking for help at the moment but I may get the car back on the road tomorrow and be able to do it myself...always a hard balance to find keeping your own ability to be self sufficient and letting someone take part of the strain with you or for you...20 hours ago
Elaine Edwards no (slow cooker) but I am doing well it is in the oven not far off cooked and I am not forgetting it is there or falling asleep...I managed to do some sausage, stuffing and bacon rolls don't think I am going to be able to do a dinner but those and some chicken leg will be good for now...17 hours ago ·
Elaine Edwards damn...thought I turned the oven off...good job I checked it was well over done but had I fallen asleep...think a slow cooker may be a good idea at some point...15 hours ago ·