Thursday, 6 September 2012

WEEK #68 : Déjà Vu

I was almost relaxed enough to be able to drift into sleep, almost not enough. Not as bad as last night, last night I had an impending visit. I couldn't let go of the muscles that kept fighting to flight as my chest got increasingly tight and I couldn't breathe the air available to me. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even lie down flat for a moment.

As it happened the visit was empowering, another step towards making life more comfortable and living conditions that don't constantly jeopardise my health. She was caring, kind, understanding, knowledgeable, compassionate, gentle and didn't look down on me for having a dog that barked, a lot, for being unable to bathe for 2 weeks. She took the quote for the works to give me a roof that doesn't leak and floors that are even and possible to clean. She listened a little to me, she let me briefly express, laugh and cry and didn't look uncomfortable or desperate to get away. She was gracious as I thanked her for listening and said how I'd better let her go. She promised to look into any other ways she may be able to help within the limits she can to find any avenues to help me back on my feet, back to breathing freely.

Déjà Vu, thank you for not appearing today. Not in that particular way I feared it could but rationally didn't think it would. I had spoken to her on the phone and she didn't sound like someone who would look down her nose at me. I suffered the distress, alone unobserved. Fear making me worse.

The worst case of déjà vu that I have experienced was during a work capacity assessment by the dreaded atos the first time I found out first hand just exactly why they are so feared by the many of the most ill and disabled. I felt like I was in a concentration camp doctors office being picked for working to death or immediate death. In the second round of being declared fit for work when desperately ill this time not just unfit to self care, that feeling I pushed to the back of my mind as being silly seems more close to the truth.

It has been 5 weeks so far this time of being horribly unwell. More reminiscent of 2004. Last time they admitted me to hospital in June I agreed on a shorter smaller dose of steroids. I had steadfastly refused in many extremely vulnerable positions before after what they did to me in 2004. The acne and compromised immune system had turned me almost militant. I pissed doctors off, the words of one of the doctors treating me in accident and emergency for not allowing them to treat me in ways they think best. It is hard to fight the system and hard to fight our own beliefs to stay in a state of love and appreciation when hungry, dehydrated and unable to walk the few feet to my bathroom and kitchen between here and there. Fear seems like an appropriate response that makes matters worse. I've been here before. I have come back to love and fell back in fear, so many times. It's hard to explain. I have felt such a failure, for getting so ill.

I know I have the final say in the matter of how anything affects me. I also know much of that decision is made in the unconscious realms. I meditated and went deep inside. I still can't explain yet if I can understand what I am fighting within I can make my life better. I have to try to put it into words to understand it myself, so I can maybe explain to those who don't know. Many people with stress related physical, mental and emotional health conditions are encouraged by the system to become more ill. Let's look at it a different way.

Taking responsibility for my own health and life, my responses to it, not blaming others or things for the way I am is not an easy road to take. I find it hard not to blame the repressive system that makes matters worse. I find it hard not to feel hurt and angry with those who blame me for the way that I am, some also denying that it causes me very real suffering with less ability to take responsibility for the suffering, it isn't fair. I blame me too, which makes those who blame me seem really cruel, yet I am cruel to myself.

All the methods I use have been applauded by some and ridiculed by others Opinion divided by experts and laymen alike. It has been a slow process. I have cried so much these last few weeks. Some say that is feeling sorry for myself and quite frankly why shouldn't I when life is being so tough. I have cried for all injustice, not just for me, where ever the vulnerable are being treated unfairly.

A few weeks ago an old friend told me I just need a kick up the backside and I said I need support. In a way we were both right. It is a shock when people you think will understand think you are not trying hard enough. It hasn't been that I am not doing my best, it became a blame game, cos it's really not fair. If I hadn't had moments where love has carried me through to find my ability to do what I need to do, in fleeting moments, I can beat all the odds.

The energy of thoughts is so powerful. Positive thoughts can create miraculous re-missions. Negative thoughts can cause disastrous relapses. It could all end in too early a death. Better the tears a release that often leads me to laughter as restrictions release me from the grips of possible imminent death. How cheerful this is, you may see my dilemma or think I'm a fool. I often think I don't care what others may think but I do.

People get rightly annoyed when these tactics are used against a poorly person to encourage their feeling of failure. I do too and it lowers my ability to reach self empowerment. That to me is where the worst irony lies, as can déjà vu, learnt responses so hard to break through. I hate to admit it but it is my responsibility to raise my positive thoughts no matter how low I get or how many people kick me when I am down or how many offer me a hand with pity or compassion. Compassion is best, it can be easier to see how I can get to well being from here. When it is given, it helps me give it to me too.

Ah Déjà Vu.
I have been here before.
I may be breaking through.
I offered my fear and fear came to me.
Please let this be time for my love to flow free.
Each time I do that the help and support that I need comes.
I can focus on progress not get stuck in the quagmire of how it can be.

I will find a way to get through this and to explain one day the way responsibility works for and against us.
Meanwhile we all have different ways to get to the same thing.
I am learning to honour your way and mine.
05.35 Friday, 7th September 2012

I can breathe clearly when the fear has gone,
I can feel confident that I'll beat this thing.
I can walk to my bathroom without fearing death.
It's gonna be a bright Bright sunshiny day.

I can see the obstacles in my way more clearly, they are not as much the usual suspects I can be forgiven for thinking they are. The biggest obstacles are clouds of fear, with surprise at how that fear affects me. The Spanish inquisition nearly got me, fetch the comfy chair...I think for now I will leave it here and watch some Monty Python.


  1. This is some powerful writing. I don't even know how to respond...except, I hope you find a way through it and things get better.

  2. Thank you...went on to think this...
    I'm not there yet...but I'm getting there...we can't fight fear with fear

  3. You walk such a thorny path, Elaine. But you keep on making your way, and that is a testament to your spirit and courage. ♥

    1. I am again battling with fear and hunger today. I will meditate and let my breathing be what ever it is...I had a kebab delivered the other day as I was too ill to cook. There is some left and I am hoping to heat it and not get so out of breath it gets cold before I eat it. I am low on nebules and ordered some more but will run out before they are ready to be picked up if it doesn't settle down again. I settle down manage to walk back and fore to the bathroom without it being a major deal then I fall back into fear as the congestion in my lungs blocks my breath a moment. If I relax into it I can manage better if I fall into fear my whole body tenses and it is more difficult to expel the congestion. I guess in a way the fact I had to be treated on the toilet by an ambulance crew back In January and thought I was actually going to die that way is a memory that affects me daily in phases like this. So easy to fall into fear.

      I don't think my reply button is working.

      Thank you for the encouragement xxx

  4. Prayers and positive energies to you.

  5. In church last night; (it was a class on prophetic counsel) we were given 3 things to ponder; what blocks hearing (from Our Creator) and healing
    1. fear and it lays dormant; alive and pops up its ugly head when we feel we are a. in danger. b. in pain

    Shared about childhood trauma, dormant in our cells as memory in our nerve endings and this memory; fear of man which contorts into action of "loving the acceptance of people" Praise from "man" leaves one "potmarked' DISABLED

    1. POWER (miraculous dunamis miraculous power) ref Romans 15 18-19
    2. LOVE (agape) unselfish commitment to love yourself, the situation you WILL overcome, and now be used to help others in the same state you were delivered from. No longer being labeled by the facts; living truth
    3. SOUND MIND (mental discipline) focus on what GOD says about who you are and not slipping back into "old" thought wiring your nerve center!

    Distractions (like the whip (snapping sound from your past) and the three pronged chair (distractions)of the Lion Trainer take YOU the LION of JUDAH as a circus attraction for abuse, make money off of you while you are distracted.
    Truly, how can a whip and a chair ward off the KING/QUEEN of the Jungle? Yup the jungle is living in this world..and YOU HAVE THE POWER..just forgot how to tap into and LIVE the way you were MEANT to live.

    I am praying for you..and seeing you WHOLE..Holy child of God...pot marks gone...nevertheless YOU have to believe and see this too! RISE UP its your time to SHINE..others are waiting in the gap be set free. Many are called...((hugs))

    1. I have been remissing and relapsing since writing this. At the moment I am managing well to keep letting go the tensions that keep me struggling. I keep surrendering. I kind of understand it from a slightly different view point I think but kind of the same, if that makes sense...thank you for you compassion and hugs back x

  6. Wonderful writing - I'm so sorry it is has to be centered around your ill health. I hope you will have a better day today and I am wishing you much peace. I love what you said about our positive thoughts can create miraculous remissions. I'm going to carry that with me today. I think we can apply that concept to not only our physical health, but our mental health as well.

    Thank you and God Bless you!

    1. Smiles...
      As I fluctuated back and fore getting disappointed with myself for not getting the balance right quicker again I came to another crescendo of restriction to surrender in. I guess letting go of fear is quite a biggy! I am laughing as I say that. I may have this phase nearly beaten...or maybe loved out of momentum...I did a laughing meditation last night early hours before I managed to lie down to sleep...I don't know what I was laughing at really I just kept letting it bubble up and let mental health has been affected by so many things and to get my physical health to a good place I also need so get that balanced...allopathic medicine doesn't seem to know how to take that into account. Glad I didn't go into hospital...although I could be clean by now maybe...

      Thank you for the blessings and blessings right back to you x

  7. You have my prayers as always. Beautifully written!


  8. I agree, letting go of fear is a biggy Lainy! It's something I struggle with all the time. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so ill lately and sorry I haven't been in touch more, the last year or so has been a tough one for me too and I've felt like I just don't have anything left to give at some points, I've been so worn out. Hope today is a good one for you Lainy, sending you lots of hugs. xxxxxx

    1. Bless you Josie...had to click to see who you's just been like that eh? I haven't been able to communicate the way I used to either. I've often been a bit closed down, too overwhelmed to talk about stuff or even write.
      My son brought me a big load of shopping yesterday including some ready meals which he put one of in the oven and a flask. There are times I am desperate for a coffee but can't go to the kitchen to make one but now as I drink it black I can have the flask by my bed and my little jar of coffee and have one even if I am bed bound for a couple of hours. He put all the shopping away too and brought the emergency nebs I leave at mums for if I go and need them a nebuliser there too, the old one that sounds like it will pack up at any moment. Feeling safer, less hungry and more relaxed I slept better. I was talking to mom last night and was saying this is the longest I have been this ill with the breathing this bad since I used to take the steroids and be a good patient before I refused in 2004! She had also noticed. I often have long periods where I can't do much but it was more the chronic fatigue, insomnia, anxiety and fibro with a bit of breathlessness thrown in for (un)luck!
      Anyway today so far is easier and I have changed py's so maybe don't reek as bad either! Love and hugs back at day we'll sit and natter over a cuppa xxx

  9. Sorry Lainy for not identifying myself, I guess we kind of forget we have different names on these sites and aren't instantly identifiable, or at least I do anyway. Your son sounds like such a lovely boy, it's good you have him and your mum nearby.
    It's not like you not to be able to write, I remember you used to write a lot! I've been having a go at blogging as you've seen, I feel a bit silly that you've read it because it's about nothing very serious, but I feel like I'm having a bit more fun than I have had in a long time and I needed that. Everything was so heavy for a long time there. xxxx

    1. Oh bless you. I am glad that I looked and found your blog...I liked reading it...I have been immersed in too much heavy lately, it is not silly, it is lovely like you x

      I've been through some stuff, it's getting better but there is still more to go through and bits of what I talked about in the latest bit of writing of being a bit beaten down by the system stuff....I got fed up of that...grins x