GBE2 71 ~ Retrospect

The very first thing that came to mind when I saw this weeks theme was this song...I can't find a way to have the videos play on here...other formatting problems meant only one section is black even though I changed all sections individually to black...I gave up trying to get it how I wanted it and left it as it is...maybe there is also a lesson in that?!

Jylt ~ Retrospect Nia is the bass player/singer

Some who read this will have known at some point that I shaved my hair to a no 5 and dyed the rest purple in 2003 for charity because I was giving Reiki to Nia who died age 21 in 2004 from leukaemia and as a slight asthmatic couldn't put my name down to donate bone marrow so decided to donate my hair instead. It was an amazing time which started a journey into my own experience of serious lack of health and what some would call the wounded healer journey. Some called bad luck and some thought of me as just being lazy and pathetic. Some thought in retrospect I would rue the day the impulse came out of my mouth and set the ball rolling for the bleach to cause me an allergic reaction which led to steroids, a shot immune system, acne and a journey that would see my life totally devastated. I won't go into all the trauma, it doesn't need vocalising at this point.

In the last few blogs I have talked a lot about my experience of being so uncomfortable the last few weeks unable to get into my well being and being quite a battle to relax into my suffering, which I can assure you was very real and oh so annoying, alongside being painful and difficult. This makes it even more annoying when things like the system to support people who are suffering or in need also seems hell bent on punishing me and people like me on top of the suffering they deny we go through. I also talked of how Heroes and guided meditations helped me. Although there is an amusing moment in one of those with all the excitement of being constantly reminded what it feels like to feel absolutely shit and close to a moment where life may be threatened, sense of humour was a bit subdued.

I was getting there. I had got to the stage where not only was I able to lie on my right hand side again I turned over naturally in my sleep without waking breathless and maybe in a panic if the movement to get to the nebuliser were too much. It really can make that much of a difference if I have to turn over and sit up. It fluctuates sometimes wildly. It makes it annoying that fluctuating conditions are seen as no excuse, so fit for work...I will not rant, I will not rant, I will not rant...I will use the following meditation to laugh...which has been a part of my continued recuperation since Tuesday.

Dalek relaxation tape...try watching and not giggling

I had a conversation on Friday about life, bastards who make our life difficult such as our worst enemy and the system. About what we resist persists, about how we break patterns, our shadow sides and I suppose the reality of the themes Heroes explores the shadow sides of the hero and the villain being not that much different but why will one keep striving towards the light and the other goes full into the darkness behaving in mostly unkind ways while others think they are the bees knees because they are clever spinners of illusions, stereotypes and/or propaganda. I'm still working it out for what I need to heal my own life and give my own well being a better chance. 

Which is where I was when I read about someone who most people are condemning for bad behaviour and wrote the next bit just before I wrote this...

We all have our battles and some are truly awful, when we maybe don't behave how others want us to, people don't understand why. Kindness always helps, after all we all know how it feels to have the opposite thrown at us, not one of us is perfect...and the more we are punished for not being perfect the less we are likely to deal with life so well or the more ill we get...

I have been so ill since being declared fit for work again while I was in hospital in June...there by the grace goes any one of us...

I think we bring things to each others attention...often we don't get the message though because we don't see the shadow side of ourselves so clearly, we like to think of ourselves as better people and behaved than those who we like to look down on or be super critical about. They may be magnifying some of our shadow or even a mere snippet of what we do to very annoying levels...

I've been thinking quite a lot about this the not being perfect thing and how far from perfect we can all get at times and how lovely we can be at others or even all rolled up into one moment.

Metta ~ be kind to everyone, you never know what they are battling...

Looking back can confuse us even more, until we start asking the right questions maybe? It seems to be getting clearer. There will always be change, fear will get me by the short and curlies again, I will keep working through and sometimes I will feel it is all too much. As long as I can cherish the love I have and will share, remember to laugh in the face of fear, somehow make peace within about the bastards who have hurt me and neutralise the ones who would continue to do their best to make my life hell by not letting them interfere with my relationship with myself and so making them feel powerful by leeching my energy. Being kind to myself and everyone I encounter, an ongoing thing that I will fail at sometimes but always have the new moment to do better in...or something like that...being continued....Being Kind

PS found out that Bruce Springsteen wasn't just born in the USA, he was born on my dad's birthday...so today is the anniversary of when I met Adam whose Bucketful of Hope I did the hair thing for Nia and my dad.

purple hair fundraising combo pic