Friday, 14 September 2012
GBE2 70 ~ Reaching Bottom
I have been watching Heroes from start to finish. I am on 3rd viewing, it has helped me relax and think about stuff that is affecting my health and keeping me in this long cycle of breathing problems this last few weeks. I have also found meditation videos to keep me coping in between. May sound a bit odd but it is working. Yesterday I was watching the episode where we see a bit of broken humanity in two of the bad guys and they heal something within each other.
I think the reason the show is helping me at the moment is through the fiction it shows very real human responses and it explores how circumstances add up to cause different characters to choose their next step. Swapping and changing between hero, villain, victim and the wavering of self confidence between feeling superior, inferior and accepted just the imperfection we are. We are all imperfect, we all inflict pain even with the best intentions in some measure. We all feel damaged by pain others have inflicted on us. We are all the only person who can hold on or let go and to let go we need to find peace.
I think peace is found in having compassion for all pain, ours and the bastards that nearly ground us down to forget we are the ones who are in charge of how we feel about everything that we hurt ourselves with, no matter who put the seeds in place. Some of those bastards see us as bastards too...
This morning I thought I was going to end up in hospital. After that episode (s3 e9) I listened to some different meditations. I was getting bored with the others and they were not helping, nor were the nebs. I was preparing to ask for help to go off in an ambulance again. Peak flow was between 130 & 150 for 2 days, they would probably keep me in. I snuggled propped up in my corner and relaxed into the meditation somehow both meditations played kind of competing and complimenting each other. Moving to sort it out was no option, moving into the corner was activity enough and I didn't want to panic. I let the meditations sweep me away into not being aware of my body and its muscle spasm antics, which seems to stop the spasms of fight or flight. It is not easy to let go of deep seated fear but it can be done.
Tom Keynon and Bashar. Both not to everyones taste but both helped me today. Bashar workshop for channelling on youtube and Keynon sound meditations on his site, especially the meaning behind and his singing of the 23rd psalm, which is all about our inner divinity and the battle of fear we play out within. It is working for me and that is all that matters right now.
I slept 12 hours. I even turned over onto my right hand side, which is a sign I am not as ill as I have been, the extra effort to turn round and sit up for the nebs can make the difference to how much of an emergency it is. I haven't slept deeply enough for weeks to move about naturally in sleep. For me trusting myself to make the right call is taking my life into my own hands in a more obvious way right now. I made a deeper peace with how much it is a process of suffering I have been through.
I half woke at one point and to describe it is difficult but I felt the rising fear and I let it go, surrendered to love. It felt surreal. I felt like I was comforting myself, holding myself together by allowing myself to trust in the safety of my deeper unconscious or something like that. I am not out of the woods yet but I am at a clearing. My peak flow has reached 190, the highest it has been for days. Moving about gently is not causing me to gasp for breath. I'm going to check out what walking to the loo does...I've been holding it in over an hour.
I just may have got to the bottom of this phase, if I have the only way is up with any steps backwards reminding me to trust my suffering and trust my process.
Part of that process is a loving compassion meditation I am preparing to do. Based on wisdom from Martin Neilan, who I reached out to in email while I was considering if I really needed another hospital stay, before I managed to go from meditation to a healing sleep and coloured by the healing nature of my dreams. I woke to the answer already feeling somewhat better.
In compassion I hold the image of each person I feel in conflict with or out of harmony with. I concentrate on the love and forgive the fear either side. I neither hold their responsibility for their well being in my hands nor give them my responsibility for my well being. Rinse, repeat as necessary.
I went to the loo before putting the finishing touches to this, which is to report I have had the first safe loo walk for what may be weeks. I dare to say I feel quite good at 00.58 Saturday 15th September 2012.