Tuesday, 9 October 2012

End of the World? Be Happy Anyway Stuff Fear...

I know it is bit of a stretch but (wish I could do little music thing there like you can do a ♥) *singing 'If you feel like a bag of shit but are happy anyway and you know it clap you hands....clap clap'

Just because some things are shit doesn't mean everything is...I feel quite rough but it isn't as hard as all that time finding breathing such a difficult task impossible to do well when walking, it is only mildly affecting me now, you can't understand how much better it can feel to just feel shit!!!! Unless you do! ♥

It is harder still to look to more the positive when the system seems to punish you even worse and deny the things we get so used to dealing with we can partly ignore them to stay positive in difficult conditions...or something like that...I have a fuzzier head today than it has been...the cold symptoms are seeing to that..but I am tending to my needs and this darkened room is perfect to feel the best I can at the moment.

I am finally letting go of the fear that the war on ill people has been making me more ill through. Or at least more often. I am doing all I can to get better so I can pursue my passions and work on my art instead of just dreaming about it. I have everything I need to make a living except for health and staff!! They may not want to give me a chance to get better but I am going to give myself that gift...thank ♥ and support from those who want to see me fly and support me in the ways they do so that even in the midst of adversity my wings are only clipped and have time to grow back stronger than ever....

I have been lifting myself and being uplifted by others. My expressing is more 'me' and I have felt restricted bodily and in my expression over the last few months. I feel I needed that process to break through the fear barrier a little more. One thing I am going to do is make a double appointment with the doctor whose focus on dwp policy scared me so much I was distressed to the point of seeing visions of myself self harming and became more ill again, a reminder of my breakdown when I was first declared fit for work. Also a reminder of when I first got ill physically and part of me was pleased it had come out that way rather than mentally shutting down or obsessing. I have experienced both and neither are much fun. One tends to make you curl up and sleep as much as possible and the other not eat, not sleep, not relax, not be able to deal with anything and pretty jittery.

Then the adrenals join the party and start playing up and it is all a matter of an emotional, mental and physical shitstorm that explodes from time to time....think of the shit demon from Dogma. But panic attacks are not funny either, although they look ridiculous to other people and secretly we feel like we are being ridiculous for having them, even when we understand partially why. The emotional issues triggering adrenalin surges, which affect the whole system including the emotions, that cycle of what comes first the emotion or the biological reaction in the system of our bodies not working due to conflicting thoughts and feelings going on.

I see this in the way patterns follow the minute in nature up to the immense...such as atoms, neurons, cells & galaxies all fascinating...I look for patterns in things if I am sat somewhere and there is a mould spot I will look for the pictures, or mud or working out the way the pattern works in a wallpaper or fabric, where the repeat happens and how well or badly it does. That could be because I did textile design on the GNVQ. I so wanted to take wildlife illustration back to learning more about textile design, but something I could probably excelled at but not why I am here.

Oh I tangented! Come closer, lean in I am going to whisper this I see dead people, well not very often but it has been known, no...I see patterns in the conflicts within us all and the breakdowns in community the old values and beliefs breaking down for many. No matter how we view the world, not many can still deny we are living in odd times which seem very nasty in places and beautiful in others. Where the most fear is generated gives power to those who would hold us in fear. Controlling, oppressive regimes that abuse many to benefit a few are given their power by our fear to speak up or do different. They also use many people controlled by the rules to do the dirty work.

End of the World? Be Happy Anyway Stuff Fear...up the jacksies of the abusers and controllers...but then again the fear they spread is fear owned by them. They know we are empowered by letting go of fear. I wonder if they know that they disempower themselves by trying to feed off the power of others? It means that they rely on us to play our role so they can feel in charge.

Hmm what does that actually mean?

Are we actually keeping them in a role if we all collude to trap us all in a web of fear?

I don't know the answer...that is why I keep asking questions and wondering about what life is all about. After all being restricted by body means I have a lot of time to think and do all I can to keep finding well being even when being ill.


  1. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better and more free to express yourself Lainy, looking forward to seeing the outcome of that and more of your art, it's a long time since I've seen any of your notebooks or drawings.
    Just to totally change the subject, I love the look of your font here, it's a good change. I'd love to mess about with my blog and make it more personal to me.
    I feel like I've totally went off on a tangent too Lainy, I'm starving so I think I need to go eat something, I'm getting brain fuzz and talking rubbish as usual. xx

  2. I flipping love you!

    I have had to put what I write on facebook into a open office word file to be able to get it on the blog without it being all tiny and not being able to sort the format out...it is a bit of a kerfuffle and not one I was capable of for a long time. But today I was in my kitchen a full 10 minutes or so preparing coffee, flask and a toastie with burger and sausage in george grill before I was slightly hunched over and a tiny bit out of breath...it was luxury! Many recent days of no matter how slow I paced it that activity was an activity too far. I am enjoying the improvement...smiles

    Oh yeah I am fuzzy too...no worries! Erm the font transfers well, it is Segoe print. It still takes a few goes sometimes to not have tiny print somewhere transferring my rambles that seem worth sharing from facebook to here...but yes it is nice to be expressing again...especially in a pretty font...grins xxx

  3. I've hardly been on Facebook lately Lainy. I need to go on it because Pat's uncle Michael gets hurt feelings if you don't check in on him regularly. It's hard for me to find the time for all the things I want to do though, I feel like I'm always letting someone down or neglecting something. When I was having a bit of insomnia I hated it but it gave me a bit more time online which was handy!
    I'm glad you're feeling a bit stronger, hope your financial situation isn't such a worry now too and you're not being put under as much pressure as before. It would be nice for life to start being a bit more fun again wouldn't it! xxx

  4. There is always a bonus to every difficulty...or something like that! xxx maybe often a bonus, sometimes the bonus elements are hard to see....like being ill gives time to daydream and dream but not the body function to do much else other than find distractions that help us cope but don't help us grow maybe....what do I know I am tired slept 6.30 pm to 3.30 am and now it is 8 am I feel like I have done a full day already! x

    I can have fun daydreamsing...maybe that is why some well people are jealous of some ill people?!!!