End of the World? Be Happy Anyway Stuff Fear...

I know it is bit of a stretch but (wish I could do little music thing there like you can do a ♥) *singing 'If you feel like a bag of shit but are happy anyway and you know it clap you hands....clap clap'

Just because some things are shit doesn't mean everything is...I feel quite rough but it isn't as hard as all that time finding breathing such a difficult task impossible to do well when walking, it is only mildly affecting me now, you can't understand how much better it can feel to just feel shit!!!! Unless you do! ♥

It is harder still to look to more the positive when the system seems to punish you even worse and deny the things we get so used to dealing with we can partly ignore them to stay positive in difficult conditions...or something like that...I have a fuzzier head today than it has been...the cold symptoms are seeing to that..but I am tending to my needs and this darkened room is perfect to feel the best I can at the moment.

I am finally letting go of the fear that the war on ill people has been making me more ill through. Or at least more often. I am doing all I can to get better so I can pursue my passions and work on my art instead of just dreaming about it. I have everything I need to make a living except for health and staff!! They may not want to give me a chance to get better but I am going to give myself that gift...thank ♥ and support from those who want to see me fly and support me in the ways they do so that even in the midst of adversity my wings are only clipped and have time to grow back stronger than ever....

I have been lifting myself and being uplifted by others. My expressing is more 'me' and I have felt restricted bodily and in my expression over the last few months. I feel I needed that process to break through the fear barrier a little more. One thing I am going to do is make a double appointment with the doctor whose focus on dwp policy scared me so much I was distressed to the point of seeing visions of myself self harming and became more ill again, a reminder of my breakdown when I was first declared fit for work. Also a reminder of when I first got ill physically and part of me was pleased it had come out that way rather than mentally shutting down or obsessing. I have experienced both and neither are much fun. One tends to make you curl up and sleep as much as possible and the other not eat, not sleep, not relax, not be able to deal with anything and pretty jittery.

Then the adrenals join the party and start playing up and it is all a matter of an emotional, mental and physical shitstorm that explodes from time to time....think of the shit demon from Dogma. But panic attacks are not funny either, although they look ridiculous to other people and secretly we feel like we are being ridiculous for having them, even when we understand partially why. The emotional issues triggering adrenalin surges, which affect the whole system including the emotions, that cycle of what comes first the emotion or the biological reaction in the system of our bodies not working due to conflicting thoughts and feelings going on.

I see this in the way patterns follow the minute in nature up to the immense...such as atoms, neurons, cells & galaxies all fascinating...I look for patterns in things if I am sat somewhere and there is a mould spot I will look for the pictures, or mud or working out the way the pattern works in a wallpaper or fabric, where the repeat happens and how well or badly it does. That could be because I did textile design on the GNVQ. I so wanted to take wildlife illustration back to learning more about textile design, but something I could probably excelled at but not why I am here.

Oh I tangented! Come closer, lean in I am going to whisper this I see dead people, well not very often but it has been known, no...I see patterns in the conflicts within us all and the breakdowns in community the old values and beliefs breaking down for many. No matter how we view the world, not many can still deny we are living in odd times which seem very nasty in places and beautiful in others. Where the most fear is generated gives power to those who would hold us in fear. Controlling, oppressive regimes that abuse many to benefit a few are given their power by our fear to speak up or do different. They also use many people controlled by the rules to do the dirty work.

End of the World? Be Happy Anyway Stuff Fear...up the jacksies of the abusers and controllers...but then again the fear they spread is fear owned by them. They know we are empowered by letting go of fear. I wonder if they know that they disempower themselves by trying to feed off the power of others? It means that they rely on us to play our role so they can feel in charge.

Hmm what does that actually mean?

Are we actually keeping them in a role if we all collude to trap us all in a web of fear?

I don't know the answer...that is why I keep asking questions and wondering about what life is all about. After all being restricted by body means I have a lot of time to think and do all I can to keep finding well being even when being ill.