Saturday, 13 October 2012

Telling it Differently Maybe

-right the middle about taking responsibility back for our own power and not giving it away to those who scare us...

this is starting to make sense to experience is backing me up in understanding things somewhat differently...

"When you react to something in a fear based way, it dis-empowers you from doing anything about it."

I find it hard to put into words but I feel I have learned more about this in the time of having severe breathing difficulties which more than fearing death has kept me fearing continuing to have such an uncomfortable existence. I have been seeing it change from habit to choice. I didn't understand how I was choosing to be uncomfortable and still haven't quite 'got it' yet but I am getting there...smiles

Just actually letting lots of mucus out of my body right now...snot and coughing up...14 years ago, when I was attuned to Reiki 2 I had been exposed to carbon monoxide poisoning for a while but didn't actually consciously know. I had a huge 'healing crisis' which can be explained as my body rejecting the toxins quickly. I wasn't actually sick but heaving as my body expelled the literal and physical shit. After a sleep I was then taken to a big event that was very high energy and vibration. I had to go sleep in a corner, it was about a month after this that I discovered my heating system was in a dangerous state and had it fixed. It took me a while to fully feel Well again after that. I wonder if I would have survived it as well without the clearing I had while away following my excitement in London with my Daisy book exhibited in the New Designers Show and learning more about healing.

If I hadn't apparently stumbled and fallen into illness, I would have missed the opportunity to grow and learn more about the nature of what I wish to heal. I had some stuff I needed to heal within and maybe sometimes we attempt to do that by healing things around us. I was in a great phase of my life, exploring my art in an atmosphere of being encouraged and celebrated for doing what I love. I could often tap into my boundless energy.

Yesterday I had a seemingly pleasant encounter with someone and when I came away from it I almost threw up. The energy of the feelings masked by the apparently light-hearted conversation was one of resentment. I am now willing to admit a little from me as well, as my life is impacted by some things the person has influence on and I felt the person was a little jealous that I get to laze around at home 'being ill and not even as ill as I have been.' I don't always know where these energetic discords are making my body react all the time but by noticing and seeing how I can stop the retching when it happens is empowering and gives me more of a chance to make it a new habit by choosing to notice to let it go, without holding further resentment. I thought about pure positive energy reinforcing my boundaries to not accept negative projections and to seep out the unconditional love and above energy my space contains. I use my imagination to do this and if it works for me, then that is good enough for me. It doesn't matter if it is actually 'real' if I get a better sense of well being through it!

I have often listened to Bashar meditations and channelling workshop while being incapacitated, lying down unable to do much else and yes sometimes bored. Tom Keynon meditations too. It was the only way I could stop the constant fight or flight responses my muscles were going into, constant alert preventing me from relaxing. I would have ended up on oxygen in hospital otherwise, it was exhausting but it caused me to do something different and positive towards my personal growth. It works for me. Just because it works for me doesn't mean it will or won't work for others, we all have our own ways to learn how to experience life the way we are prepared to go, we all have our own excitement to follow.

When I got seriously ill I was doing that hair thing and feeling like I was really going somewhere but up against so much negativity. The waves went from positive to negative quite wildly is seemed. I loved fundraising, I was good at it, I got a lot of positive reaction and many people shared their hopes and fears with me it felt like a privilege. I was being inspired and inspiring a lot of my time. While blindly stumbling along making huge mistakes I had no idea I was making.

Also I never forgot why I was doing it. I was a healer. I recognised that it wasn't me doing the healing but channelling the energy for the person to do with as much as they could as such. I have since learned through experience more about how and why we each heal at our own pace to our own level in our own ways and I try to explain that sometimes but now is not one of those times! I did this because I was giving healing to Nia George, a young, beautiful, talented woman who I desperately wanted to help heal. She was terminal but I so wanted her to be a miracle, not just to show the world how powerful healing energies can be but to keep her here. 

Some time after she died I met two girls in the Waterfront. I asked them who was into angels and which one into fairies, I was often really tuned in at that time and could pick up passions and fears of others around me without warning or necessarily always accurate. I was just willing to say and often got rewarded by reactions of, 'Oh my god how did you know that?' The conversation turned to what I had done and probably about how ill I kept getting at that time. I was a bit famous for a while locally and they knew what I had done. They had met Nia at a gig and said how she was the kind of person you just fell in love with...she was. She had a big influence on my life and I wish I could direct you to where you could get her cd Messages, although the link may or may not take you into my Jylt youtube list or the guy who created listening to Surrender with Sarah singing lead. Nia had a huge positive effect on all who loved her and who found their own ways to grieve her leaving us too early. Lifelike Dream ~ the song and how I have been known to describe my life.

Life got so hard there were times I wanted to join her. It was a time like that on 13th February 2006 I had an experience shared with a friend who was holding me and reported afterwards how hot I went and how I actually vibrated, had I had this experience alone I would have thought it just my imagination. I had seen both Nia and Adam who I met through the fundraising and who died 5 days after Nia in a drifting to sleep dream, they had been trying to lift me up and made me laugh the night before. I had not got any sleep after that and spent all night writing about my perception of good and evil, light and dark. The next day I was unable to eat for various reasons, so an accident fasting. When I lay down I thought I would fall straight to sleep. I was wrong.

I immediately had the sensation of standing in a darkened room and all the people I love who had died came to hug me. I wasn't aware of the date as I had been distracted by distracting myself from the misery I felt in life at the time. I had started silently crying, my friend asked me 'What's the matter darling?'
'It's okay, they are showing me people.' Next 'they showed me' the child I had miscarried 17 years ago more or less to the moment I woke up bleeding. I didn't have to name who she was in my thoughts. I simply started crying and in my head was saying, 'Thank you for showing me her, she is beautiful, she is beautiful.'
Before I could form any opinions I felt like I was expanded and huge, yet a collection of particles out there in the atmosphere and also this solid form lying curled up being cuddled by a lovely friend. I heard the words or rather felt them, 'This is what home feels like. The human body can not sustain this vibration.'

I felt like pure positive unconditional love in that moment, nothing else mattered. I didn't mind when I heard my voice say out loud, 'Elaine has no control over her voice at the moment.....' I knew I could stop it if I wanted to but I didn't and was interested in what would be said. I gave some words of wisdom that were not taken, bless him, we always need our own time to stop doing things we don't enjoy and to follow our joy without all the barriers we put in our own way due to what we have held onto fears of past and possible future discomfort and not getting our own way. Ahem biggy one right there, sorry I think it may be one of those truths that really gets on our tits till we learn not to let anything unsettle us from our core of being love! At the end my voice told me that I would do this in public, I will do this on stage. I've always wondered if that will happen and I am open to it but if it doesn't happen then it was a direction I needed to follow to get somewhere else. I've long held true what I consider to be some great philosophies to live by but for a long time didn't see how much fear was holding me back from totally doing so. 

I thought I would need to go out and get a teacher, take classes and the like. I had done a few angel workshops and explored a few more healing techniques. I got on with doing the best I could do with the life I had and mucking it up quite well in various places. I don't quite know how long ago I found a Bashar video on youtube in my searching for the answers, the right questions help. I also found Abraham as channelled by Ester Hicks. I think it was probably around 2008 when my life started to get somewhat more strange. Around two years ago I realised the first time I heard the channelling workshops by Bashar that yes I have channelled many times and in many forms. I can remember getting into the flow of painting  where I would watch my hand fascinated at the process, doing it technically with the perspective and the like but very similar to the way it is shown on heroes, minus the white eye thing. The one that was most pronounced was the painting I did when I was trying to recreate a Native American kind of alter. I was doing my GNVQ and had no idea how researching for this project would turn into a life changing passion that is still with me, for indigenous wisdom and the spirit that runs through it. I tried to find a photo of it but it is eluding me right now, so back for the point.

We all channel and maybe we channel each others internal script at times making us behave how we wouldn't expect ourselves to, to prove a point of how others treat us. I will be thinking more about that one but have you ever behaved differently with someone that fits in with their idea of how others behave towards us...or something like that. My laptop froze on the 4th word of this section of writing and I went to the loo and to make a flask & coffee while it recovered. I suddenly felt able to mop the wee spots up Joey had done this week when I'd not let him out and which has been out of my ability for a long time so I had to learn to make peace with wee spots around the house. I also cleaned my loo, which was grim but I had had to let slide. I was a bit hunched over and a little out of breath but I carried on and made the coffee and a pilchards sandwich with cress. 

This is the most active I have been able to be in months. I haven't had to use the nebuliser. I have even brought my breathing back to settled without using the ventolin. I prefer to be able to do what I want, when I want to. I have been limiting myself for a long time but I think I limited myself to slow down long enough to learn how to do things differently. It wasn't a conscious decision but I am trying to make it more available to me to be able to decide to do something and be able to do it. I just had the impulse to use my ventolin because a trickle of fear ran through me and restricted my breathing for a moment as I wrote the last bit and as I noticed it was just fear the need went away again. Not being able to breathe well enough to lead a fuller life has been a huge part of my life for so long. I am ready to let it go. It could happen quickly or it could take a while. My only commitment is to flood myself with love, while keep on letting go of fear, keep growing and learning and expressing and seeing where this life experiment takes me, without fearing it will not work and I will look somehow stupid for thinking it could.

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