Saturday, 12 October 2013

So Close & So Far I Am

Looking at old pictures having shared a picture of a poem thing I wrote with a bit of a sketch on my fb, which I could possibly share here...although what I saw and made me laugh and reminded me of who I am at core along the way with who I am in moments...or something like that...
Loving you is easy cos you're beautiful...

I did sing a bit of it....I sang it unheard by human ear (pitch perfect, I can sometimes other times I sound like an embarrassed (but not giving a flying fugg) strangled parrot) but it was being sung to all the beautiful people I know and all the ones I apparently don't. I'm feeling all kinda cosmic been having a lovely night and morning, been listening to Bill Hicks and thinking he is tapped into the cosmic intelligence that Abraham Hicks is and so am I am and so can anybody be and so is someone already so very special to me...

And I am feeling sound as a pound and a bag of mints
A feeling of bliss it would seem unseemly to share in the glare
Scrutiny for the physically or psychologically impaired
You know the ones society once thought should have care
But the climate we live in says you must not be capable of fun
How dare you have moments that you can enjoy
The taxpayers paying for you to be scrounging work shy
If you can smile and say you are one with the world
Then why can't you get off your lazy backside
Never mind you prefer not to share all thoughts that disable
Reality of the facts of your bodies actual labels
Symptoms that worsen the more they are talked of
A catch 22 in a way to actually be enabled back to well being
A choice I take away a little each time I moan of it being true
Which by the way I have proof it is real in physical symptoms
If I distract myself with thoughts of love I can do more
I can have a safe bath without remembering I once nearly died
Bringing up fear that restricts to the extent I can't breathe
Forget it and I can enjoy a nice soak let lose in daydreams
There is someone invoking a sense dreams come true
It was an awful lot harder with the muse now retired
If all goes to plan or even if will keep my well being
Not have to distract from reality seen with my eyes
Felt in every painful moment to find a little relief
From the reality that has made up my life these past years
My nature is vital and vibrant and filled with creativity
Being unable makes me want to just scream
This isn't life it is hell on this earth
Then moments meditation a drift into bliss
Orgasm crying burping expressing all a release
My saving graces in moments so rare
Apart from the crying that was over despair
I've been on this journey to see who we are
I looked in some mirrors reflections of all
I saw me in you and in him and in her
I saw you in me and I'm saying no more
Well maybe just this there is more to explore
I wonder if it matters who thinks I deserve
A chance to live my life a chance to be heard
It doesn't much matter I am me anyway
It time for a new chapter to get written and play
You see this old story is mine as it is
It is also so similar to some others I know
It is only a story my perception has lived
The next chapter always starts where we are
Being created along the way from where we have been
The joke in the cosmos is we believe in this game
I guess we do cos it's true cos we feel it so real.
Elaine 10.42 Sunday 2010

Not slept yet since whatever time I woke up last night, can't even remember how long I slept now but it doesn't matter. It only matters if it has to. When it has to matter more of the time I have been quickly getting ill. I'm not so keen on the old escape fantasy of a life that is sometimes overwhelmingly hard being ended. I always calm the fugg down when I have to due to inability to intake enough oxygen to function properly, notice the word fun in function, when we do function, we are also able to more easily enjoy fun. I think I may have tangented there a little? But hey this is my page and I can do what I want. I can write what I want and dream what I want, this is a free country and not a fascist regime is it not?! Or does the very fact I can dream and can imagine being well and sometimes even feel that, even if it is mostly because I am in deep meditation or enjoying amazingly cool conversations. These things help me find the energy to feed myself more adequately and even take in oxygen better.

I believe I have the right to live and to choose how to recover from severe physical and psychological difficulties that have severely limited my ability to be who I am. An artist, a writer, a craft person, a visionary, an abstract thinker, a cosmic joker, a heyoka, a so called poet, a lover of humanity (but not in a sluttish way except for the lucky chosen!), a compassionate person who wants to be able to help people find their own inner power, that maybe it doesn't have to be as hard as we make it...that the truth resides in your heart and when you can see with your heart and your mind it makes everything so much nicer, but till then you may just see me as something beneath you and that is okay cos I don't see you above or beneath me.* I just see you as my equal as you are a being human too, no matter if you are so hard hearted you would judge a person more vulnerable than you as less than you. So whoever may ever read this, like it or not you are as I am, a being human and I see you at my side. You may be royal or a tramp, or anything in between, you are as I am. Nothing so special your shit pays your debts and nothing so miserably pathetic you deserve the shit that you get. We actually are in this together, it is about time we learnt how to actually do that in fairness, with compassion and respect for all human life.

Rant helped me get here as well as life, everything and everyone who has been in it, recent inspirations Bill Hicks, Abraham Hicks, Esther & Jerry Hicks...lots of Hicks here, Eddie Izzard, Jung, my lovely best so far muse with potential to develop seriously creatively, much other people's stories that are like mine in many ways, although not all those people have some of the tools i have such as meditation and counselling skills giving way to an ability to journal and self assess although possibly good to have qualified agreement sometimes...not always by certificate life can also be good for qualifying. Ramble end here...meditation time waiting!

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