Pain Passing Through

thank gawd it was the carer who is good with Joey and not scared of him when he barks...he was showing signs of distress and that he knows I could end up in hospital as he wouldn't leave me to go outside. I cried to her today...stayed on the bed and she made me a bacon sandwich, coffee and two flasks. If I'd had to get up and put Joey in the back door/bathroom area...well today I couldn't have done it and not got very ill...I have got another one visiting with the one who is scared of Joey on Wednesday and I will be able to go through my needs etc with her then. If I am still this bad hopefully she will be able to put Joey into the other room, although that could be a problem...he does look mean when really he is only distressed and signalling his protection of me...

I am in need of sharing at the moment the feelings as they pass through me...by sharing them I can release them...we are often stopped from doing this as it is not being stoic and positive if we share the painful feelings we are experiencing. So many ways of thinking that prevent us from processing things, including grief and pain and anger...all things that fear controls in a major way. Love may be the bliss we feel when we forget fear for a moment of longer...
Just wrote on text...
Crying so much. Big clearing going on feeling lonely but not lonely. In need of help to find comfort as well as for practical things I can't do. Desperate & at peace. Not sure what to do with Joey if I end up in hospital, which I may not need due to care coming in or sort of because of it. Phew! Powerful energies going on xXx
How are you doing with it? xXx

 For the first time I welcome this pain, I am thankful for the clearing, it's painful but the end results are more releases, this is one step closer to better days. It was through sharing I found this less antagonistic struggle routine I go through each time breathing gets so difficult. Of course I want to fight for my breath and not feel this pain. It is there for a reason and I need to surrender to it to not make it more painful than it needs be by tension and the added fatigue of being unable to move about, relax or sleep but to be so exhausted I have fallen asleep sat up for moments in that state. Physical pain can be easier to identify than emotional pain but they are both the same thing and both cause more of the same in each other....

at the moment I am maintaining calm acceptance, coughing and spluttering a little less, still wheezing a loud tune. I am not all scrunched up as I tend to have to keep checking and letting go of in this phase of the decrease in ability to breathe effectively with worse moments as the mucus totally plugs the airways in moments that could induce absolute terror if I hadn't got used to it. I do get concerned at times because I know I push the limits but due to having similar coping home alone as in hospital when they refuse to give me oxygen without checking my stats when I am too breathless to eat and finding the battle with anxiety a bit of a losing one...but I have never lost the battle and it has been close far too many times for me to feel scared by it often and only then because I feel I have a job left to do and I don't want to leave my children...

My dad didn't want to leave his children either, so I know I could be wrong about having more life to live yet and not in as bad a way as I am at the moment. I have had worse days and have had better days again. I usually feel confident I can find them again, even if there is a huge challenge with lots of obstacles in my way to get through to prove I did have more to live for....although I don't need to prove it the same as I used to feel about things. If I have got it wrong I am at peace with that. I feel my life will only end when I have done what I am here to complete as the living embodiment of the personality and flesh called Elaine.

Just making peace with where I am in relation to my feelings and experience of being held back by inability to do things that could enhance my life, forgiving myself for not being fit for work, rest and play. Forgiving others for their own inabilities, we all have them and so serve both ourselves and each other less well than we may like or not much think about if we can cut things out of our thoughts, which of course we can't if we need to resolve them. We all hold on to our pain longer than we would need to if we had a healthy way to process it and while not depending on others to act in ways that please us for us to find the healthy balance.

Balance is easier to find in healthy settings. When it is being soothed back to balance the dance becomes more the last tango in shit stream without a paddle for a while more than the cha cha but always recovers back to the cha cha....embraced with enthusiasm or met with sulks and stubborn resistance the flip side of the stubborn person who keeps going through thick and thin to find love and joy again....we may also hold on to how unfair it is a bit longer than some people would and try to will our way through something quicker than we are capable of getting through it....we can be a bit impatient, with the patience of a saint....

17.17 (GMT) Saturday 19th October 2013

Sunday 01.56 ~  03.25 There's more...

Sometimes I go into meditation to release a build up of pain, which can happen very quickly and in the usual way in how I work and process the feelings things have brought up for me. I have never been able to do a mainstream meditation from the world of meditation. For me it can happen in an instant or can evade me without the prompt of special music or guided meditations. I have done at times meditation intensives then forgotten even to ground and hardly going into that space between perspectives, even for daydreaming. 

It looks to most people like I am mainly wasting time or at least frivolously frittering it, which makes some people a bit jealous of me being able to do that. I wouldn't have the opportunity and necessity of being the way I deal with being ill, if it were not for being quite dreadfully ill, in a way that most people would wail and stay more upset about than I do. Not that I would blame them, it isn't easy being ill in a way that could mean game over at any point. It isn't easy for people who love me to deal with either. Indeed some walk away, some come back and quite a few do the cha cha...or maybe the Oacky Koky, however do you spell that?

I do not think I am any worse or better than anyone else in the deserving stakes. Just because I may at present be considerably more ill than someone else in the support group, who can still do some of the things I would love to do and can't at the moment, doesn't mean I deserve to be looked after any more or less than them if they need support, they need support. I have friends who are better and worse than me in symptom collections. Honestly we don't collect them for the hell of it, although it can feel like we are in hell the more we collect. They just seem to come together in buy one get two free deals.

That can be made worse by the medications we have to take care of the medication that is saving your life while giving you more likelihood of getting a worse symptom that will debilitate you for longer and take more groups of medications. This is why I try to use different meditations, they help the release of toxins and medications tend to build up toxins and symptoms of toxic overload in the body. It can be fair to say that after some pretty bad reactions to some of the medication I have been given, I avoid it as much as I can. Even using nebs and ventolin inhalers is something I want to one day be able to give up. I may not be able to but I've had days where I haven't had to excessively limit activity and haven't needed to even use an inhaler, not many in the last couple of years but there had been a highly stressful chain of events that few know the half of it.

In that time I have against some odds not only stayed alive but had moments of feeling totally at peace, happy and unconcerned how much longer this difficult phase lasts for. Just thinking of a time when I was sat in the not so comfy, comfy chair, the heating was off because I was waiting for new gas heating and the old one had been condemned, so I had an electric heater on and many clothes. I had done the painful injection for the day, been to the clinic via hospital transport, you may or may not know the joy and horror of that beggars can't be choosers help that we are grateful of while wondering if we will survive another 3-4 hours in hospital waiting for the appointment time and lift home.

Always a surprise if it would be a get there in time for appointment or not. It is amazing because without it I would have been somewhat in trouble, clinic once or twice a week on warfarin and unable to keep my clotting levels right even when I remembered every dose, crying when I was feeling totally awful, as opposed to just dreadful. They often mainly ignored my crying! Which suited me yet also disturbed me! My least favourite days were when I found out I had to inject myself with heparin or a substitute type that stings worse. I had lost a lot of weight then too which meant I had more chance to the injection hurting. It wasn't a lasting pain but still hard to self inflict, I am not a fan of pain. I've just had to learn how to embrace it and relax into it. I have also learnt that we can get used to so many horrendous conditions felt within our bodies, minds and in our surroundings and still allow the appreciation of what we do have to celebrate.

At the moment I first started to describe, I was lost in an Avalon book, identifying with the characters, it was the one based around the life of Boudica. I was in my own home, sort of comfy, I'd just eaten something, I think. I would have to check my journal through the end ish of the 4 months I was attending anticoagulant clinic. I had coffee and my own space and would be able to stay home alone the next few days. I looked up at my shabby surroundings and realised I could have not been happier in that moment if I had been lounging in a comfy hotel room in Turkey. Although that appealed quite a lot and my health does improve when I am there or has done the 3 times I went, I was still just happy to be in my own space, in good enough comfort, getting lost back into stories that entertained me and made me think about if concepts the characters held as true, is true, what does that mean? I think there is a strong chance many aspects of many theories are close to the truth. It seems to me to be a case of untangling the web of lies woven within the truth...

This is why I loved Joan of Arcadia, Heroes, Medium etc on telly and the Avalon books too. They explored concepts in ways that made me think deeper again and heal deeper again. Oh just in case I haven't already made you run for the hills, I was going to share what I experienced in the meditation to release the intense back pain that came up while dealing with another bit of difficulty breathing. I closed my eyes and I could see fragments of massacre scenes, ancient, through history and far too recent. For a moment I felt like I was being ripped apart. Then I felt like I was being the killer and the killed all mixed into pain that contorted my face as I sobbed for both sides of the horror. I used to hate horror films, I still avoid blood and gore films if I can. I have always had enough scary stuff that nightmares used to terrify me with. It wasn't until I started to face me biggest fears that I learnt in dreams to say no to fearing monster types looking evil ugly. Charmed, Buffy and things like that helped too. I learnt more from fiction to face my fears than I learned in some workshops.

There is a mixture of information and disinformation in many ideas shared as truth. I've added a tangent maybe too far but I feel the need, the need to share. Not quite as noble as the need for speed, cocky, pain in the ass fighter pilots who need speed, but maybe a warrior all the same and maybe just as able to be a gob-shite in my own style. I may be doing good work, I may just be playing in my imagination, whatever I am doing I am enjoying my life even with some major hindrances to ease of joy. I enjoy it far deeper now it is so precious and rare to have a moment of easy, ease.