energy bringing conflict
still catching by surprise
old fear buttons
again & again
truth is subjective
ego & soul
running the show
in tandem pedalling
not always equally
teacher & student
smoke & mirrors
you am I & I am you
and all things in between...
07.07 Wednesday 16th October 2013
be calm spread love ;)
enjoyable light-heartedness...lucky iplayer find a
bit fabulous ~ he's yummy & too young but sue me!
The Earth Bull ~ Jason
washes up on the shores of a strange and mysterious land:
swift emotion processing...being in now...no current challenges to
am working out more how distraction is needed at times...how it can
help us work through our processes by taking a time out...I am still
recovering from a non bath bath....I was not able to wash myself but
I was able to sit in it and even sit back for a few moments a couple
of times....things were going round my head about why certain buttons
cause me to react in certain ways...
a lighter note this was just so English, British...yes we have
collective kinds of ways of being that has many subcultures among the
masses of individuals that we recognise and feel at home with some
and not so much with others. I am of the female gender that puts me
in a group. I was born in England, that puts me in a group. I live in
Wales that puts me in a group. I am an artist....and so on and so on.
I don't get on with all females or all artists, that is okay. I don't
attack other females for being a different expression of female than
me. I would call a female up for being cruel if she ridiculed another
female for being female in a different way or if she did it to me
when I pointed it out as unkind.
This has slipped into
the energy of what has been the drama in my life the last couple of
days. By my life standard of drama it is insignificant in many ways
but a major thing as well. In my process of working through it in a
group situation, I was told to let it go before I was ready. While I
was fresh from being mocked again. Something that hits buttons put
there in my childhood. So yes of value but not an excuse for
I see the system that I depend on for my
living needs as very unkind in many places. I also appreciate it as I
would not be able to live and survive without its grudgingly given
subsistence. To shout out about it being unfair is something we are
often admonished for by those who don't understand what it is to have
to rely on a corrupt system. That may be a tangent too far but it is
all a similar energy of control.
I had so many thoughts going
round my head in the bath....being useful as a trigger to look even
deeper does not excuse stubborn denial that the other did anything
wrong at all, being obviously hurtful to many people all trying to be
more heart centred and saying sorry for being sensitive and unable to
deal with less kind energy.
I have also thought a lot about
the fact I know I haven't got all the answers and I am doing the best
I can with what I have at the moment on an energy level and the
physical. I am a human as well as a being and sometimes react more
from my human than my being and also the other way round.
only happens where there is at least two willing people to engage
with it. If conflict is to be resolved fully then both have to see
their role that leads to the play of battle of words and energy. To
dismiss one sides part which could be seen as fault to blame them
with is damaging as holding the blame aspect of conflict. It probably
goes a long way to that being played out in so many creative ways we
choose to. Projection is a funny one as well as often one 'side' will
see the other side as projecting and themselves not doing so. This is
a problem leading often in my experience to the one who uses the most
deflection in the mirror of the interaction using it as evidence that
they are always right and the other one is wrong. Hmm where does that
leave either side? Both having won & both having lost maybe?
This is a work in progress as I unravel more. While I sat in the bath soaking in the epsom salts and still thinking I may be able to wash my hair and my body the thoughts came thick and fast. Memories of the very unkind ways of arguing and belittling to keep me subdued as a child by a sibling I could never please as it wasn't possible to change into a boy so I could be his brother and not this annoying little sister. If I had been Robert the little brother he would have liked and with the personality of me, I doubt it would have much changed the dynamics. I would have still been younger and still unable to deal with that style of arguing which was displayed so strongly by another the other day.
Considered superior intelligence and picking every thing said and done to shreds and as evidence of my 'wrongness' and their 'rightness' is something that can bring me right back to that child who felt despondent and despairing of having a place in the world. As I realised I had worth no matter how any one else saw me it still got to me but in a different way. It is not fair. It is not kind. I don't like the energy. I watch out for my shadow self that may feel a bit superior at times. That old adage of 'don't sink to their level, you are better than them,' is unkind in its own way. I am not better than them, I may be behaving slightly better but that does not mean I am better. I get my knickers in a twist when they think they are better than me when they are not, no-one is. They often act as if they are while displaying very bad behaviour. There is a part of me that forgives that but also wants them to learn to be kind and they are not always ready for that.
I wrote the poem directly after an engagement of conflict energy. I tried to set the time to GMT but it will only stay at Pacific Daylight Time. I ended up setting it to post at that time I am presuming 8 hours later...I added this bit between the hours of 17.33 and 19.19 Thursday 17th October 2013
All of this has been shared on my facebook wall too but I decided to keep it more easily found by making it a blog...
ps. I was taught to be sarcastic and fight back with stinging words. I did for a while and can be very good at it, a cutting, off the cuff statement is very easy for me to deliver. I have done a lot of work on myself to not do that so much because I can be very unkind and being unkind is something I don't want to be.