Wednesday, 12 September 2012

I Don't Fit In Many Places

Well after a long time of saying little and needing to retreat into myself to seemingly endlessly work on surviving, pulling my finger out, working through the endless fear that kept surprising me with my reaction or something like that...I have been busy typing things that I am thinking. Some people duck and cover when I do that and really wish I wouldn't. Some quite like it. I had missed that aspect of me but I know why I needed to close down and I sort of understand what I have been doing quite aside from experiencing life in my own unique way and working through layers of trauma while often in a very physical battle to keep going.

Today I have had lots of pins and needles sensations down my neck and back. To me that is a sign to meditate or let energy do its thing. To some that would be a cause for alarm and to confuse the doctor on the confusing symptoms that are quite common but not understood. I am wary of doctors and their medicines that need more medicines to counter balance the effects of that one and leave us more ill than when we started. That was my experience in 2003 onwards culminating in 2004 the year of living being dangerous and echo of that being experienced this year. 

I wrote these bits and pieces, I wonder if more than one reading this will remember my old stuff...

Elaine Edwards answers not on a pastcard or a postcard but how I sometimes see it about the shizzle that we are being lied to about and the toxins we are being exposed to, in this particular instance in the sky...
I have wondered if that is a major feature in why I am finding it pretty tough going this breathing lark lately...about an hour ago · Like · 1
Elaine Edwards yet at the same time my emotional reaction to the toxins of fear seem to be the ones that affect me the absolute worst. There are many real physical things attacking us but I believe the very worst is the psychological warfare aspect of it all. The physical toxins weaken us and the physiological may be what actually finishes us off. I guess in a way my experience of being ill is usually considered anecdotal. I thought I was going to end up in hospital again yesterday. My nebs were not quite reaching the spot I was exhausted from coughing and functioning at a range of 130-150 peak flow, very physical body discomforts at the extreme end.

I knew help was on its way, I meditated with help of a youtube video that has been the only thing I can use to help me get out of the fight or flight reaction I keep going into that have prevented relaxing and easier breathing between coughing bouts. I slept and woke feeling a little better, I was supported in many ways physically and emotionally yesterday. I calmed down and I am managing peak flow of 170, which while not great is good enough to let go more fear of more extreme discomfort in the immediate moment. The fear response can be exceedingly bad for our conditions especially when the very real physical effects are being dismissed by those in power of making life harder for us.

Awareness and not knowing what we can do about it can make us feel so very powerless and more scared about the world at war between love and fear a war that seems to have reached a fever pitch. I have been sharing blogs on my thoughts about this and part of me fears doing this as I can be seen by many as a *insert insult intending word here which may actually elicit a 'thank you what a compliment that you see me as weird cos quite frankly your views scare the sheit out of me' response depending on how sure I am feeling of my current perspectives* here!

Or something like that...
6 hours ago · 20.01 Wednesday 12th September 2012

  • Elaine Edwards really can't we find a more fitting and less useful word to use to describe them?1 I know this word represents the lowest of the low but they do not give immense they can't be considered the word literally...I can't imagione mine going into raptures around them....I can imagine my hands choking them...just a little before I pat them on the head and ask them what is it that makes you who you can't be very nice because you certainly are not...
  • Elaine Edwards I'm working on loving compassion...if you have seen the Pulling Special I reckon Karen's response to the bully she was dating would be justified but maybe not productive really...but the thought of DC tied to a chair with tampons in his mouth and all too comforting...I'm failing in my quest to be a peaceful warrior in thought...grins

I don't know what is really going on, maybe some out there do, but maybe none of us do in enough entirety to claim we know exactly what is what for everyone. 
I reckon we will always all see it differently even if it was the same...maybe.
 But what do I know? 
  What do you totally know?
For sure. 
Having examined all the evidence and found your own conclusion not just blindly following the possible learnt lies from an expert who may or may not be misguided, mislead, or too scared to tell it how they see it really that doesn't comply with their expectations and the climate of belief in popular demand for being the truth of it. We often try to fit in and don't show a part of who we are for fear of rejection, which is upsetting, I can vouch for that as I publicly discuss notions I think be be close to the truth, that are not in the majority set of thinking patterns. Many others think along similar ways, some shout, some whimper, some whisper, some hide it from themselves that maybe they are shutting down a part of themselves to be accepted by the majority, which are not necessarily even over 50% there are many ways to view reality and illusion, dreams and themes and patterns and stories...
I don't know.
All I can know is what feels close enough for my right now perception of it.
I am making peace a little deeper with I don't know. 
I may think I know and I may talk about it as if it is for sure the truth but I still don't know.
That is why life is a mystery and I love the magic of mysterious concepts of reality I can play with in my imagination.

This time spent being broken and all that has not been a waste of time. In many ways it has been amazing, just not in traditional ways. I don't see some of the things that are going on with me as purely ailment symptoms. I guess that is much to do with extreme healing crisis things I went through when being attuned to Reiki. Some healing work is painful, like the discomfort felt as a deep wound heals. There can be little difference in the way physical and emotional wounds feel while they are healing, how infections can set in and be healed or not. 

I'm still working it out, what it all means to be, whatever we be, whatever makes me and you.

It isn't quite as much a struggle today. I appreciate that. 

Some of the deepest wounds I am healing is the one of not healing quickly enough, to have kept in the patterns for so long to affect others in ways that deeply hurt them. It was the way my life was. Many of my mistakes have been my greatest gifts. Great gifts can be a huge challenge and consider us lacking. Obviously some of those gifts are people who are important in my life. While healing my wounds I have been absent in lives that may prefer I wasn't. I've wanted to hurry up and be okay to work on some bridges but I'm building solid foundations my end of the rainbow to a chance of relating beautifully...

03.38 Thursday 13th September 2012.


  1. I'm one of the ones that quite like it when you write/type the things you are thinking. Don't stop.

    And I so totally understand coming to peace with not knowing, and being able to admit not knowing. I am pretty sure that the more that I learn it shows me how little I really know, and so when I learn everything there is to learn, I will realize that I know nothing at all. And I'm at peace with that.

    1. Smiles...I quite like that you quite like it...

      I think it is making peace also with I can be a complete ** up, I make mistakes, I am ignorant more than I am knowledgeable, I am a human being, I am often unable to reach the perfection I would prefer but not afraid to be the best I can be in the only way I know how even if that means some people will walk away...this is what it has been for me with a bit of added bullploppy along the way of not being acceptable in the eyes of some who have had power to influence my circumstances, for not functioning to standard levels...which has increased my fear levels about not being able to function to expected levels in so many ways...are the tangents at normal rates?!

      Smiles being at peace is a good place to be, I go there, have a look at my reality, freak out, panic, make peace again...sounds like a cotton eyed Joe song...grins...

  2. I think I know what you mean about doctors medicating people too much Lainy, in your case it's for physical ailments, but I've been thinking lately how nearly all the women I know are on some kind of anti-depressants and that thought scares me a little because I feel like maybe we can't really relate to each other because I often have depressive feelings but prefer to deal with them rather than cover them up with medication. I don't mean to sound like I'm criticizing or judging them, because everyone's got to deal with things the way that suits them, I've just been wondering about it lately, that's all, how does it affect our friendships with each other and suchlike. I have thought about taking them myself and when I was younger I kind of self medicated with drink and drugs a bit, so I understand the need to blot out the bad feelings. I've just been feeling alienated from a lot of my friends lately and it's crossed my mind that that could be a reason why. Probably it's just because they hate me, lol.
    Well I've only got to your second paragraph and already written loads so I'll go for now and come back later to read some more Lainy. xx

  3. I know what you mean actually not sure medication even covers it up sometimes, some medications can make it worse and some can make people less able to connect to others and their inner child which is screaming out to be loved by ourselves. There is so little therapy available so we often tend to have to find some way through alone, which can keep us making the same mistakes over and over. But so does the medication. I was reading an old copy of Psychologies in the loo...all about inner child trauma and how we learn about who we are at an age we don't understand how to combat bad habits our parents, siblings, teachers and other influences that we learnt our insecurities from. I've been working on the thoughts of myself of not being wanted by some in moments that really affected my confidence and self esteem. Nature and nurture. I had a loving family that was pretty safe in most ways. We all learn wrong as well as right. Unravelling to find why we feel less than and insecure that underpins all further insecurities. No parent escapes from being helpful and unhelpful in their childrens development. We fuck each other up with our own fucked upness. iNSECURITY PLAYING OF WITH THE OTHERS INSECURITY. Understanding that helps me forgive it and forgive myself for now being able to be perfect either. iT SEEMS AT TIMES TO BE A CONTINUAL PROCESS. Damn caps lock.

    I've had a really difficult day starting with waking after an hour or two of sleep gasping for air and feeling sick, burping like I will explode. Actually feeling like morning sickness, relentless but only for a few hours. I slept finally and woke gasping shortly after again. I managed to relax but peak flow has been low, nebs feel like they help but keep it going. I remember in Turkey a woman who worked in a pharma company told me I would never use ventolin again if I saw what was really in it. I would love to get to a stage where I can always just tune into my inner balance, strength, to stop restricting my breathing that is also affected by the environment. I have a strong belief it helps me. I have a nagging belief it is harming me further.

    Placebo is a major factor in effectiveness of a treatment. Identical medicine can be more or less effective just by a label that the patient trusts over a cheaper alternative, which we may consider less. Apparently in general Americans trust injections more than tablets, so a placebo by injection gives symptom relief more frequently than the same effects promised by a tablet placebo. It boggles my mind!

  4. had to reply in 2 parts! Maybe should just ditch this one, maybe?!

    All I know is I need to work this out in my head so I can stop suffering so bloody matter how much I suffer it won't be cared about by some and others will wish they could take it away for me, some will believe they know just the way, believing in their own preferred way to heal themselves or at least feel like they are in control of their own healing. Some people don't feel the need to be healed. So talking in the way I do can alienate them further from what I have to say. Who am I anyway. Just another individual trying to make sense of my world and where I fit in with it.

    Some seem to fit in easier into their own world and I have at times too. I got disconnected trauma by trauma and found it harder and harder to relate to others who are not on the sort of healing journey that I am, yet also not relating to many who may seem to be. There seem to be phases where the relating goes away for so many different apparent reasons, yet in those moments maybe we need to relate with ourselves more before we can more deeply connect again. I don't know what I am flowing into but it all seems to be about feeling unable to relate that puts the mockers on being able to...we can feel so separate and alone and sometimes that can be a relief. We are never really totally unconnected, we can't get away from whatever we do will be helpful and unhelpful in the eyes of others. Sorry I am not sure what I am exploring. I am going round in circles. I feel like I am doing well yet I appear to be still suffering...I'll work it out..., you will too, we all will in our own way.

    The drugs don't work, they just make it worse, I know I'll see your face again...

  5. Lol at the caps lock, I always do that too. I know what you mean about them making you worse or else not able to connect. My mum could be very frightening on them which is one reason I've never taken them, though maybe she'd have been worse without them, I don't know, and I feel like a lot of people I KNOW WHO TAKE THEM BECOME QUITE BLAND AND A BIT (THERE'S those caps again) and a bit Stepford wife-like on them, just smiling and spouting platitudes, which I also find quite scary in a different kind of way. I want to be the real me even if that means being a miserable cow at times.
    I like to read you exploring things Lainy, I do the same thing too, just go round and round things, I'm pretty sure I've done it on your blogs a few times.xxxx

    1. Bless you, seeing first hand the effects and the not knowing would it have been better or worse without them is enough to scare you away from them. There is value in allowing the miserable cow side of us, it is authentic as we work through our feelings about where we fit in in the world. I must admit I am suspicious of those who only ever focus on the positive as much as those who focus mainly on the negative. Balance and being human means there is a place for negative feelings and a need for them, we have been taught to be afraid, to be very afraid of the negative, so afraid we dare not look at it and accept we have negative emotions, thoughts and feelings. It is like we get scared we will be trapped in them so we avoid them or try to and that leads to getting trapped in them. I reckon we can go round and round till we find a way out, getting stuck there is what motivates us to look at it a different way and can cause us to give up before we have sorted it out or find a better way to deal with the crappola of life...or something like that!

      I like to think of myself as not hugely judgemental but I do end up being so from time to time, far more than I would like to admit. It's all part of being human and learning how to be the best version of ourselves we can be...smiles xxx

  6. Now I'm thinking I've just been pretty judgemental of people on anti-depressants and I didn't mean to be, like I've said before, I've often considered taking them myself but there's just aspects of them that I'm so wary of. xxxx