Sunday, 23 September 2012

GBE2 71 ~ Retrospect

The very first thing that came to mind when I saw this weeks theme was this song...I can't find a way to have the videos play on here...other formatting problems meant only one section is black even though I changed all sections individually to black...I gave up trying to get it how I wanted it and left it as it is...maybe there is also a lesson in that?!

Some who read this will have known at some point that I shaved my hair to a no 5 and dyed the rest purple in 2003 for charity because I was giving Reiki to Nia who died age 21 in 2004 from leukaemia and as a slight asthmatic couldn't put my name down to donate bone marrow so decided to donate my hair instead. It was an amazing time which started a journey into my own experience of serious lack of health and what some would call the wounded healer journey. Some called bad luck and some thought of me as just being lazy and pathetic. Some thought in retrospect I would rue the day the impulse came out of my mouth and set the ball rolling for the bleach to cause me an allergic reaction which led to steroids, a shot immune system, acne and a journey that would see my life totally devastated. I won't go into all the trauma, it doesn't need vocalising at this point.

In the last few blogs I have talked a lot about my experience of being so uncomfortable the last few weeks unable to get into my well being and being quite a battle to relax into my suffering, which I can assure you was very real and oh so annoying, alongside being painful and difficult. This makes it even more annoying when things like the system to support people who are suffering or in need also seems hell bent on punishing me and people like me on top of the suffering they deny we go through. I also talked of how Heroes and guided meditations helped me. Although there is an amusing moment in one of those with all the excitement of being constantly reminded what it feels like to feel absolutely shit and close to a moment where life may be threatened, sense of humour was a bit subdued.

I was getting there. I had got to the stage where not only was I able to lie on my right hand side again I turned over naturally in my sleep without waking breathless and maybe in a panic if the movement to get to the nebuliser were too much. It really can make that much of a difference if I have to turn over and sit up. It fluctuates sometimes wildly. It makes it annoying that fluctuating conditions are seen as no excuse, so fit for work...I will not rant, I will not rant, I will not rant...I will use the following meditation to laugh...which has been a part of my continued recuperation since Tuesday.

I had a conversation on Friday about life, bastards who make our life difficult such as our worst enemy and the system. About what we resist persists, about how we break patterns, our shadow sides and I suppose the reality of the themes Heroes explores the shadow sides of the hero and the villain being not that much different but why will one keep striving towards the light and the other goes full into the darkness behaving in mostly unkind ways while others think they are the bees knees because they are clever spinners of illusions, stereotypes and/or propaganda. I'm still working it out for what I need to heal my own life and give my own well being a better chance. 

Which is where I was when I read about someone who most people are condemning for bad behaviour and wrote the next bit just before I wrote this...

We all have our battles and some are truly awful, when we maybe don't behave how others want us to, people don't understand why. Kindness always helps, after all we all know how it feels to have the opposite thrown at us, not one of us is perfect...and the more we are punished for not being perfect the less we are likely to deal with life so well or the more ill we get...

I have been so ill since being declared fit for work again while I was in hospital in June...there by the grace goes any one of us...

I think we bring things to each others attention...often we don't get the message though because we don't see the shadow side of ourselves so clearly, we like to think of ourselves as better people and behaved than those who we like to look down on or be super critical about. They may be magnifying some of our shadow or even a mere snippet of what we do to very annoying levels...

I've been thinking quite a lot about this the not being perfect thing and how far from perfect we can all get at times and how lovely we can be at others or even all rolled up into one moment.

Metta ~ be kind to everyone, you never know what they are battling...

Looking back can confuse us even more, until we start asking the right questions maybe? It seems to be getting clearer. There will always be change, fear will get me by the short and curlies again, I will keep working through and sometimes I will feel it is all too much. As long as I can cherish the love I have and will share, remember to laugh in the face of fear, somehow make peace within about the bastards who have hurt me and neutralise the ones who would continue to do their best to make my life hell by not letting them interfere with my relationship with myself and so making them feel powerful by leeching my energy. Being kind to myself and everyone I encounter, an ongoing thing that I will fail at sometimes but always have the new moment to do better in...or something like that...being continued....Being Kind

PS found out that Bruce Springsteen wasn't just born in the USA, he was born on my dad's today is the anniversary of when I met Adam whose Bucketful of Hope I did the hair thing for Nia and my dad.

purple hair fundraising combo pic


  1. As usual I can't watch the videos because everyone is sleeping, I even have to try to type quietly, but I enjoyed this post Lainy. Made me think a lot about a friend I've been quite angry with lately and that I shouldn't be too harsh on her. I have been avoiding seeing as much of her as usual, but still been friendly when we do meet because I know I'm in a funk about something that I can't quite figure out yet so I'm ind of reserving judgement for the time being until I work it all out. I'm not making much sense am I? Anyway, your blog is good to remind me to be kind in my judgement while protecting myself. How are you feeling today yourself? xxxxx

    1. Aww...I do recommend the Dalek relaxation it still gets me every time.
      I read it back a few hours after I wrote it and couldn't work out if I was making sense! I also totally missed out on exploring a point I wanted to make about....erm...I'm not sure, it will come back to me! I have been so tired today and I slept most of it. I was awake 4.30 - 9.30 am and was supposed to be allowing a visit from the guy from SAFFA to visit about the funding to have the roof and floor done. I unplugged the cheap corded phone and switched the cordless ringer off. I just couldn't cope with him and him not understanding having a visitor even for a short while may make things difficult for me, even if he is trying to help me...bangs head metaphorically on a brick wall...I am breathing better but so so tired and I am pretty sure after 6 hours sleep and 4 and a half hours awake I will be sleeping again soon. My bodies way of saying no to quite a lot of things at the moment. I had mad dreams of being Howard Marks new girlfriend, probably cos I fell asleep to the film Mr Nice this morning, they amused dreams...

      Sometimes working out if it is the other person annoying us or the buttons they are pushing and what does that mean in the relationship between the self we aspire to be and the miserable git self we can be...or something like that...grins and hugs xxx

  2. PURPLE HAIR?????????? :0) ((hugs)) and for a precious cause, it would seem like a curse...its as if i see a slow motion picture of one becoming embryonic, yet to curl back out again in a profound metamorphosis. YES stay kind..the miraculous is here..within YOU

    1. I loved it. I had never had short hair as an adult I was going to do it again last year, without the fundraising but I was in hospital on his birthday overnight on the cancer ward dad died on and went back in 5th November to be released on 11/11, which is the anniversary of dad dying and having the hair shave thing...that was the time they ignored the fact I had been living in fumes for a couple of years (gas heating system had been condemned 2 days before and lady from Citizens Advice Bureau had come to take notes for the form to assess if I was entitled to benefits being unfit to work the day before...must not rant!) and concentrated on giving me warfarin as I had blood clots when I was 19 (my first ever hospital stay after breaking my leg in a bike accident) and my blood was sticky...all very symbolic...and yes I feel like I have been going through a huge rebirth/metamorphic time maybe this year is the right year to do it....9years and the gestation period was by years not months?!!!!

  3. How amazing that you died your hair purple for a cause!


    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. try again but without pic have added it on end of blog...a link anyway...

      it was amazing...the whole fundraising experience was amazing...people came and talked to me about their experiences I was so inspired to do more to help the community...then I got kinda stopped in my tracks.

  4. Glad you posted this. I didn't know that Nia was in a band. I really liked this song.

  5. she was an artist and singer songwriter in a band with my nephew...they had just been signed and were going places...Adam's uncle used to be in a somewhat different band with my dad who was the singer...