Friday 14 September 2012

GBE2 70 ~ Reaching Bottom


I have been watching Heroes from start to finish. I am on 3rd viewing, it has helped me relax and think about stuff that is affecting my health and keeping me in this long cycle of breathing problems this last few weeks. I have also found meditation videos to keep me coping in between. May sound a bit odd but it is working. Yesterday I was watching the episode where we see a bit of broken humanity in two of the bad guys and they heal something within each other.

I think the reason the show is helping me at the moment is through the fiction it shows very real human responses and it explores how circumstances add up to cause different characters to choose their next step. Swapping and changing between hero, villain, victim and the wavering of self confidence between feeling superior, inferior and accepted just the imperfection we are. We are all imperfect, we all inflict pain even with the best intentions in some measure. We all feel damaged by pain others have inflicted on us. We are all the only person who can hold on or let go and to let go we need to find peace.

I think peace is found in having compassion for all pain, ours and the bastards that nearly ground us down to forget we are the ones who are in charge of how we feel about everything that we hurt ourselves with, no matter who put the seeds in place. Some of those bastards see us as bastards too...

This morning I thought I was going to end up in hospital. After that episode (s3 e9) I listened to some different meditations. I was getting bored with the others and they were not helping, nor were the nebs. I was preparing to ask for help to go off in an ambulance again. Peak flow was between 130 & 150 for 2 days, they would probably keep me in. I snuggled propped up in my corner and relaxed into the meditation somehow both meditations played kind of competing and complimenting each other. Moving to sort it out was no option, moving into the corner was activity enough and I didn't want to panic. I let the meditations sweep me away into not being aware of my body and its muscle spasm antics, which seems to stop the spasms of fight or flight. It is not easy to let go of deep seated fear but it can be done.

Tom Keynon and Bashar. Both not to everyones taste but both helped me today. Bashar workshop for channelling on youtube and Keynon sound meditations on his site, especially the meaning behind and his singing of the 23rd psalm, which is all about our inner divinity and the battle of fear we play out within. It is working for me and that is all that matters right now.

I slept 12 hours. I even turned over onto my right hand side, which is a sign I am not as ill as I have been, the extra effort to turn round and sit up for the nebs can make the difference to how much of an emergency it is. I haven't slept deeply enough for weeks to move about naturally in sleep. For me trusting myself to make the right call is taking my life into my own hands in a more obvious way right now. I made a deeper peace with how much it is a process of suffering I have been through.

I half woke at one point and to describe it is difficult but I felt the rising fear and I let it go, surrendered to love. It felt surreal. I felt like I was comforting myself, holding myself together by allowing myself to trust in the safety of my deeper unconscious or something like that. I am not out of the woods yet but I am at a clearing. My peak flow has reached 190, the highest it has been for days. Moving about gently is not causing me to gasp for breath. I'm going to check out what walking to the loo does...I've been holding it in over an hour.

I just may have got to the bottom of this phase, if I have the only way is up with any steps backwards reminding me to trust my suffering and trust my process.

Part of that process is a loving compassion meditation I am preparing to do. Based on wisdom from Martin Neilan, who I reached out to in email while I was considering if I really needed another hospital stay, before I managed to go from meditation to a healing sleep and coloured by the healing nature of my dreams. I woke to the answer already feeling somewhat better.

In compassion I hold the image of each person I feel in conflict with or out of harmony with. I concentrate on the love and forgive the fear either side. I neither hold their responsibility for their well being in my hands nor give them my responsibility for my well being. Rinse, repeat as necessary.

 I went to the loo before putting the finishing touches to this, which is to report I have had the first safe loo walk for what may be weeks. I dare to say I feel quite good at 00.58 Saturday 15th September 2012.
Smiles...

14 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your plight. I hope that sharing your burden allows you to unload some of it. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Bless you. I think we all have our plights and they all disable us in some way or another, not always obviously. It has been a tough time but yes it is easing up. I've been sleeping and dreaming and meditating and appreciating the things that help me...smiles

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  2. Wow, and thank you so much for sharing <3
    I enjoyed reading however it was touching and brought a tear to my eyes. I am feeling a little emotional this morning. It is great to hear that things are better. Better is always good :)

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    1. Bless you. I am often very emotional, I cry and laugh a lot, sometimes the balance is more on the crying side and sometimes the laughing. I'm taking it as it comes as such. I've been awake almost 2 hours time to sleep again...or at least snuggle down and see if I can watch a whole episode of Heroes before sleep takes me on another dream adventure...smiles

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  3. A person does what they have too. Somehow you find a shred of good in all the bad and soldier on taking one day at a time. Why, because you have absolutely no choice. I pray you have the strength to continue on. Bless you. ♥

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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    1. Bless you too...smiles x

      Reminds me of a long walk taken as a child from my cousins farm to the local shop that was much further than we were led to believe...just round this next corner and the next one and the next...sometimes we just have to keep on going and if we had known how far it was going to be before we started we may have tried not to take the journey...but this is life and when I get to that last corner of this current destination then the reward will be more comfort...or something like that...smiles

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  4. I love for my fictional characters to have some complexity. Few people are all good or all evil. We all have pieces and parts of good and bad in us.

    I pray for you and your health. Not being able to breath is so stressful on top of being ill.

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    1. Yesterday I dreamt I was a fictional character that was in a book I once read and would look for when I woke. I don't think I'll be able to find the book because I think it was a dream book! When I woke I was analysing the dream and dream thinking about evil being the absence of kindness, like darkness is the absence of light and how there can be many variations in how much or how little kindness there is in each person, how they can be kind to some people and not to others.

      Thank you. I guess I am working on fear still as I can breathe better but as long as I do very little, keep meditating and distracting myself with fiction and the nature of our humanity, a little removed from what is happening in the world of ill people.

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  5. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! and gosh..trips to your Loo sounds so much more fun then our trips to the "toilet" hehe ((hugs)) MUAH!

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    1. sometimes it is an expedition on par with raiding a lost ark! x

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  6. These are good signs that you are getting better.. May you get healthier soon,,
    I used to watch Heroes when it first came out.. it deals with things in a different manner as both powered and normal humans are in the process of figuring things out

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    1. Yes it has been a very slow process this time but it is happening. I finished watching the entire thing for the 3rd time in the early hours this morning.
      Yes whatever is normal for us gives us different things to figure out and the more power we have as an individual means our flaws can also be magnified or something like that...we always have the new moment to make better choices...

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  7. I have only just begun to read your work. I'm not sure what you have been dealing with but only wish you the best in your recovery towards health, peace and happiness!

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