Friday, 28 September 2012

The Greatest Love of All ~ Open letter to Britains Oppressers


Elaine Edwards shared a link. 42 minutes ago
I finally slept 2pm-9.30pm I sat for a little while before I was able to go to the loo...as I was filling my flask for coffee making by the bed I was thinking of writing an open letter to the gov and system about how I believe the system is following a path of eugenics. Actually it was as I poohed a release that had unusually been compacted, I was thinking about that and how they know how to nurture a healthy society, they are choosing to make us as ill as they can, poisoning us in any way they can, getting innocent* people doing their dirty work believing they are doing good or suffering in their own part of implementing dangerous and colluding with dangerous policy, conflicted as they increase the suffering of those suffering already. It was as I was pouring boiling water into my flask I had this song start to replace the thoughts of the partly formed letter I hope I will be able to write...inspired by Keith Ordinary Guy...





 Do you think I should write...

Dear David and your gang of bullies,
I was thinking of you and your despicable agenda as I had a poo today...you are not as stupid as you like to pretend to be, you are deliberately impacting on the lives of people who are already strained to the limits by their health conditions. It is well known that if you nurture a patient/child/person they are more likely to thrive...damn see I find it hard to be concise...I will think about this but I also need to sort out the doctor situation, which is a fear I have to face...

I am doing my best to not be further harmed by this psychological warfare that is aimed at us all but first affecting the most vulnerable people in the country first. My mental health would be a lot more stable if I was supported and cared for adequately to enable me to recover from the devastating physical difficulties I am experiencing. I wouldn't have felt like self harming on Wednesday and have to fight the inner battle and cry for 6-8 hours if I had felt that I was safe and could rely on fair continual support from my doctors surgery. I fell into the pit of fear, you nearly got me. You will never know how much mental and emotional work it took to get through that day.

I may be vulnerable and physically weak, but I have a strength of love on my side. I almost pity you for your fear and hatred of weakness and insecurity and the superiority complex you cover it up with...

Despite the fact you would cheer at my death though my condition or suicide I send you love and compassion and wishes for your fear and hatred to heal, for your humanity to grow instead of wither and die like you appear to expect us to. You in your lack of compassion for fellow humans are weaker than those fighting the hardest to survive your attack on us.

I keep making peace with the fact I am being attacked. It is uncomfortable to be in the direct line of fire of hateful energy. You have an awful lot directed at you. I even enjoyed playing punch Cameron in the facebook myself and I am in favour of love and peace!

Does your ignorance of the energetic nature of emotions protect you?
Is smugness a shield?
Maybe I shouldn't go off into the territory of how we are connected and all that. How the divide and conquer methods work also by making us hate the them who are hating us as their them...Friday 28th September 2012 at 23.00

It is now 23.23  and I have just copied and pasted from facebook...as always I didn't know I was going to do this till the impulse took me, it is the only way I can do things and it is all part of my own inner healing of the shadow and light, the fear and love...and I am finding the greatest love of all...
* Undoubtedly there are not so innocent people enjoying working with the abusive energy of the current system but there is a discordance within anyone who enjoys abusing and those who are just following rules that make them feel mildly uncomfortable or horribly sick.*
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Thursday, 27 September 2012

An Acquired Taste, An Embarrassment to Some

I decided to add a disclaimer. I can only vouch for my experience of my ill being and well being I am not being critical about (you who have it wrong) your way of dealing with things. My tongue was firmly in my cheek when I wrote the brackets. I am getting it right for me. However we manage our struggle and/also/or dance with life we are all just learning and new truth (or what we currently hold as true) changes our ideas about what is and isn't acceptable. 

 This is the day after a pretty big meltdown where a doctor pushed my buttons and I did express some of how I felt about that on facebook but it has also made me think about things and pushed me in a direction I hadn't intended taking maybe. I was very distressed after the appointment but I am thinking of booking a double appointment with him and preparing notes of my experience and facing my fear of the system of treating symptoms not individuals...he was a nice doctor just caught in a system that binds him as well as me. Well I could be wrong but that was the impression I got. 
5 hours ago
Calmer today. Potentially more help is on its way. My hands feel like I have been clinging on to a tightrope for dear life. I haven't had hand pain like this for months. As all things it will pass...
 d continued.......left eye is sore...svery tired but active mind can't switch off cos time3line needs to be written or notes started....not my ego's idea...just got myself all relaxed & healing self took over!!!



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Massdebaters and other poems things I wrote ages ago


A World of Massdebaters ~ Why
Why do we massdebate who is right who is wrong
Christianity and some other religions have the answers in a book
Others argue the only answers are in logic and science that there is no God
There are ones who know they don't know all the answers but know there's more
Are you right with books or science or inner knowing are you wrong
Oh my God you may be wrong
What would that mean
Hell for you
Is it true
I don't think so
You have the right
To believe as you do
To question or follow blind
The real absolute truth
Will only be known
When you are dead
And you may well find
It wasn't what you thought
But that's okay
It really didn't matter
The time wasted
Massdebated
Arguing getting cross
Could be better spent
If you masturbate instead
It's not a sin it's a way to joy
Fabulous shared with a loved one
In the end can we comprehend
The simple complex matter
If the truth we seek
Leaped at our feet
Would we walk all over it
My belief and yours
May be opposing because
We each are free to think if not to express
When we try to force our view to be held true
We just become divided
That is not humanistic or religious
Can't we agree to disagree
Discuss what we think is true
Now who is it who wants this war
To conquer all to their view
Why not come in peace stop this superiority
You are just a human being
Stop mocking others for their belief
Stop thinking you are right
We all are wrong we all are right
We all have our own way
Not a person on this earth understands all the mystery
So give up the fight to be completely right
Play life your way what works for you
It's fine to discuss and share your point of view
Respect each other's folly
For your folly is just as great
Life is sort of what you belief it to be
But the truth will find you in the end.
© Elaine 3.21pm 31:08:08

Random Acts of Kindness
Acts of random kindness are fulfilling to the soul
A simple smile and loving thought can spread a little ease
Not all the acts of kindness that we do need to be well known
If you have raised anothers spirits your own will rise up too
Things we share with open heart indeed a precious gift
With gratitude a celebration of kindness that is love
Without expectation for praise and adoration
Allowing magic of the law of attraction
Kind acts received out of the blue
Kindness supports us too
It seems so selfless
To be kind
Yet
In
Truth
It lets love flow.
© Elaine 01.50am 5th August 2008.

Is It Really Kind?
Kindness does not hurt another
With harsh words
Deeds or thoughts
A part of love
It does not judge or bind
Human kindness connects us all
When we allow it to
If all our hearts
Become unbound
Of sibling rivalry
Let go the shackles
Of hate and fear
All pain we share
False pride
Ego superiority
Be kind
Forgive
Move on
Embrace
Set free
Brother
Sister
Family
Love all humanity
Be kind  to you and me.
© Elaine 02.15 am 5th August 2008.




Being
I ask my ego
Step aside
Is that how to be
I invite my ego
Walk by my side
Be all I can be
Not let false pride
Let me slide
Into misery
I aim to be
The best in me
That does not mean
I'm better
Competition
Who is best
Not I
Not you
Not he
Not she
No matter
Achievement
Failure
Victim
Villain
Hero
Saint
Or
Sinner
At the core
Of all who live
Human heart
Soul
Spirit
Magic
Logic
Love
A choice
To not let fear
Hold you back from Grace
Whichever way your journey takes you
Whatever philosophy you hold true
I aim to heal my ego's lust
To sabotage my love
Compassion lost
Regained
Let
Peace reign
Within you and without you.
©Elaine 19.23pm 5th August 2008


I Am Only Human
Let us not forget
We are only human
Within the confines
Of this body of mine
Influenced by its senses
The hormonal disruption
That goes to my brain
Electrical function
My heart beats
The breath
Inside
I
Breathe Love
Oxygen to the soul
Shining its light throughout me
Infusing me in divinity
I have been searching
How
Can we
Find the way
For all to follow
Life the way they choose
So many ways to reach divine
Why can't opposing views see
Theirs isn't the only way
My ways aren't
No-One's
Are
They all can be.
© Elaine 03.11 am 08.08.08 (Part 1)

Part Two We Are Human
I've been looking for ways
To how we unite our divisions
It was staring me in the face
Like an opposing view
That doesn't see the other
Only seeing in the mirror
Yet not seeing themselves
The things not liked they see
Aspects of self transposed
In mirror image left is right
A paradox or two
The way to the divine
Will certainly entwineDivision and unity
To find them we need look inside
Past technicality of life
Go within find soul
Bring division into unity
Entwined become divinity
Found within you and me
I found it in me now I see it in you
You may still be looking outside
After all we are only human
We forget even when we know
We are soul playing this great game of life
You don't even have to follow a spiritual path
Just be who you are meant to be.
© Elaine 03.11 am 08.08.08


Reality & Illusion
They really do
  Go hand in hand
     Reality and illusion
       You'd think they are
        Quite opposite
        That pair of concepts
      As that is all they are
     My concept of reality
     Will be unique to me
     As yours will be to you
    No matter who the me is
   Nor either who the you
    We live so much time
      Completely in illusion
         Not knowing which is which
       For I have come to know
     Reality is an illusion
   As Einstein said
  Illusion is reality
  What we may consider
  A world of fantasy
  Is just as likely to be true
As one of desolation
Fear and hate
 My world reality
  I see beyond the play
   I live as love my soul
    I fall back into the illusion
     Of commonly perceived reality
     I find it can quite hurt there
   So did I create the world I see
   When I live from my heart
   Or am I quite deluded
  Or are you if you think
   You have it right
     I think one day
     We may all find
       We are all right
       And we are all wrong
     There is no right or wrong
   Like Illusion and reality
They really are the same
 Without the correct balance
   They both can cause us pain
     Sometimes illusions reality
    Does need from time to time
  A touch of magic present in them both.
Elaine 18.39 24th June 2008
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Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Being Kind

Being kind to myself and everyone I encounter, an ongoing thing that I will fail at sometimes but always have the new moment to do better in...or something like that...continues...

 Monday I slept most of the day. The man who is collecting the information to see if I can have funding to repair my leaking roof and dusty concrete floors wanted to visit. I switched the ringer off the cordless phone and unplugged the corded one. I am breathing easier but I just could not cope with him visiting just for a short time. It is a stressful thing and besides I have been really very ill. I slept again later and woke around 1 am. I was able to eat again. I thought I would fall back asleep but I have been managing to relax and as I didn't want to watch anything new in case I fell asleep I went back to the start of Heroes yet again. Not needing to concentrate on it and letting my mind wander.

 I was thinking about all sorts of things ambling around the concepts I have been exploring about life, reality, what's going on in my world and yours and ours. I was thinking about the history as stated on the BBC thing about the one woman from Africa, how we went from hunter gatherers to farmers, from tribal to the roots of civilisation, which has possibly always had some very uncivilised flaws. How human survival has always depended on us supporting each other. I read on a support group page how bad the symptoms are that a fellow ill person is suffering and how they feel unable to ask the doctor about it because they are worried about looking like a hypochondriac due to the high number of various symptoms they suffer with. 

 I was lying in my bed passively 'watching' the drama allowing all these thoughts free reign to dance about till they maybe formed an orderly queue to a so far conclusion about stuff. I was also admitting to myself I still feel less than or more perceived as less than for not being well enough to participate in life the way I  would prefer. Although it isn't so bad when it is 'just' like it is now. I am not particularly rough feeling not well feeling but at a very slow pace I can stay comfortable with tiny forays into moderately uncomfortable, which before I become chronically persistently ill would have been considered considerably below par and now is considered pretty damn good.

  I feel somewhat unlikely to be understood by most people, including the man who wanted to visit but not the lady who visited the last time. I felt more comfortable with her, the anxiety was high to meet her but I felt more understood and safe with her visit than most. Over the last 24 hours or so I have battled with myself to say I don't want to carry on trying to get this help that I need. I just want to move, which would be just as much work in many ways. I had gone into panic again about the work needed doing to move forward into a more comfortable environment, free of damp and mould. The dealing with people invading my comfort zone that isn't exactly the safest it could be and the work to clear the space for the floor to be fixed. It is daunting if you are in reasonable health. When you have been a borderline emergency for weeks on end and are now just the more usual quite good with plenty of rest, it seems somehow more daunting.

 I also should go to the doctors to get a new note around 28th September the 3 months from the last one is up. I have been too ill to go to see about any further tests or chance of diagnosing something that would explain my multiple symptoms, not that I want to get a label for them but because it is demanded by the system we have a name for something for the symptoms to then be ignored in the assessments. I also read an apology from an ex-atos nurse who knowingly gave results on the tests that would have the 'clients' declared for work when she knew they were far from it. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/nurse-makes-heartfelt-apology-after-1340838

 The nurse who did my assessment jumped on anything she could state truthfully that could make it seem I was fit and not affected by health issues. She also left things out and decided I was lying a few times so put her version of what she assessed me as. Saying that I try to think of my children seems to prove I never feel so overwhelmed I feel like ending it. It was a Friday I probably failed before I got there, she may well have given fair assessment to the maximum number of people to be awarded benefits that week. Oddly when it is a more life or death type struggle I tend to be more concerned with staying alive. Long stretches of feeling awful but not in a particular life threatening way is harder to deal with in many ways. Not that it is much fun being too breathless to eat or sleep. I guess it is no wonder I sometimes get a bit down. I prefer to make light of it all and enjoy whatever moments I can. They could be my last, we never really know how long we have so no matter what it is probably wise to enjoy as much of it as we can.

 I was able to walk to the car in the early hours, it didn't start. It needs taxing by the end of the month. I've had 10 weeks back pay at assessment rates. Things I need/must/should do are piling up and I am still struggling to be able to manage daily basics.

 I still haven't got to the point I was trying to make in the last one.

 There is other unkindness that has been in my story.  There are varying degrees of kindness with and without understanding. We are all ignorant as well as kind or unkind at times, sometimes intended kindness can be a bit cruel and sometimes cruelty can be sort of kind, I suppose. I may have to sulk a bit more about that before I can be thankful for some of it. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, especially when we allow ourselves to have our tantrum about it, sulk and pout and feel righteous, get up brush ourselves down, breathe ~ very important that one I can vouch for that, it is really really uncomfortable to not do that well, and keep going at whatever pace we can manage. I am going slower than average tortoise pace and that is okay. I am making peace with that. If anyone thinks it is not good enough, well that is their opinion and nothing to do with me. Actually probably a sign of how hard they may be on themselves, even if they indulge their own flaws, with or without recognising them.

 I just remembered what I intended to start this off with. It was about the luxury of being able to be too busy to constantly ponder these issues, confronting the deepest fears, shadows and concepts of how lacking we are for what we can or can't achieve, have or do. I was also considering how we need to focus on what we can do to heal. We can't however ignore what we can't do. We can't function at a level that a person without many debilitating symptoms can if that is the way it is for us. With at the very least close to adequate financial, physical, mental and emotional support in many areas of care we can do more, be more. Although we may be able to survive some pretty harsh times and keep surprising ourselves at our resilience, determination and ability to process the resentment so we can at least remain kind to most who come into contact with us. I've been practising softening the feelings around the ones who have been cruel, for my own sanity and to take away their power to keep hurting me, through me harbouring that pain. Dealing with past trauma that way is helping now, it is a continued practise of staying engaged with living.

 Another point I have been wanting to make is the many stories that state, 'I know this bloke who says he has a bad back and I see him doing this or that.' The way the lazy, scrounger rhetoric has been embedded as an excuse to hound all ill and disabled people really gets to me. Yes if it is daily seeing someone doing things that indicate they are fit may mean they are on the fiddle, occasional activity witnessed is a different beast. We never know how much someone else is suffering, we may look at them and think they are being a wimp or a fake. I know there are people who have seen me in that way, which is another reason I don't try so hard to hide my suffering and also understand I can never know how much or how little others I meet have or are suffering and ignoring much of it and hiding as much of the rest as they can.

 Being kind was always something I aspired to. Knowing the effects of cruelty more intimately than ever I did before makes loving compassion feel even more necessary.

 Practising always on the easy ones to love when the more difficult ones are beyond my current capacity and quite possibly visa versa...mutual keeping distances...makes it easier to forgive the resentments of why, when the reasons may make sense but the energy of it all is the thing that keeps the game in play. I've gone into vibrations without a reintroduction...I was lying having trouble relaxing the other night when I started thinking about the vibrations of feeling good and of the giggles I had shared earlier...my tension was exterminated and I fell into a happy funny dream filled sleep...which at 09.11 am I am about to attempt again now.

 I don't think anyone really knows but I think I have some good ideas and I read other ideas that bits seem about right. I read a thing the other day saying I am an apocalypsoptimist, I lean towards that. We are in the middle of the shitstorm already but even if it gets worse before it gets better, it will get better...survival is for the most adaptable, not just the rich...kindness will be the new black but not just a fashion statement because the shit in this shitstorm sticks to cruelty kindness maybe is the metaphor for tin foil wrapping...winking grins...
...
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Sunday, 23 September 2012

GBE2 71 ~ Retrospect



The very first thing that came to mind when I saw this weeks theme was this song...I can't find a way to have the videos play on here...other formatting problems meant only one section is black even though I changed all sections individually to black...I gave up trying to get it how I wanted it and left it as it is...maybe there is also a lesson in that?!


Some who read this will have known at some point that I shaved my hair to a no 5 and dyed the rest purple in 2003 for charity because I was giving Reiki to Nia who died age 21 in 2004 from leukaemia and as a slight asthmatic couldn't put my name down to donate bone marrow so decided to donate my hair instead. It was an amazing time which started a journey into my own experience of serious lack of health and what some would call the wounded healer journey. Some called bad luck and some thought of me as just being lazy and pathetic. Some thought in retrospect I would rue the day the impulse came out of my mouth and set the ball rolling for the bleach to cause me an allergic reaction which led to steroids, a shot immune system, acne and a journey that would see my life totally devastated. I won't go into all the trauma, it doesn't need vocalising at this point.

In the last few blogs I have talked a lot about my experience of being so uncomfortable the last few weeks unable to get into my well being and being quite a battle to relax into my suffering, which I can assure you was very real and oh so annoying, alongside being painful and difficult. This makes it even more annoying when things like the system to support people who are suffering or in need also seems hell bent on punishing me and people like me on top of the suffering they deny we go through. I also talked of how Heroes and guided meditations helped me. Although there is an amusing moment in one of those with all the excitement of being constantly reminded what it feels like to feel absolutely shit and close to a moment where life may be threatened, sense of humour was a bit subdued.

I was getting there. I had got to the stage where not only was I able to lie on my right hand side again I turned over naturally in my sleep without waking breathless and maybe in a panic if the movement to get to the nebuliser were too much. It really can make that much of a difference if I have to turn over and sit up. It fluctuates sometimes wildly. It makes it annoying that fluctuating conditions are seen as no excuse, so fit for work...I will not rant, I will not rant, I will not rant...I will use the following meditation to laugh...which has been a part of my continued recuperation since Tuesday.


I had a conversation on Friday about life, bastards who make our life difficult such as our worst enemy and the system. About what we resist persists, about how we break patterns, our shadow sides and I suppose the reality of the themes Heroes explores the shadow sides of the hero and the villain being not that much different but why will one keep striving towards the light and the other goes full into the darkness behaving in mostly unkind ways while others think they are the bees knees because they are clever spinners of illusions, stereotypes and/or propaganda. I'm still working it out for what I need to heal my own life and give my own well being a better chance. 

Which is where I was when I read about someone who most people are condemning for bad behaviour and wrote the next bit just before I wrote this...

We all have our battles and some are truly awful, when we maybe don't behave how others want us to, people don't understand why. Kindness always helps, after all we all know how it feels to have the opposite thrown at us, not one of us is perfect...and the more we are punished for not being perfect the less we are likely to deal with life so well or the more ill we get...

I have been so ill since being declared fit for work again while I was in hospital in June...there by the grace goes any one of us...

 I think we bring things to each others attention...often we don't get the message though because we don't see the shadow side of ourselves so clearly, we like to think of ourselves as better people and behaved than those who we like to look down on or be super critical about. They may be magnifying some of our shadow or even a mere snippet of what we do to very annoying levels...

I've been thinking quite a lot about this the not being perfect thing and how far from perfect we can all get at times and how lovely we can be at others or even all rolled up into one moment.

 Metta ~ be kind to everyone, you never know what they are battling...

Looking back can confuse us even more, until we start asking the right questions maybe? It seems to be getting clearer. There will always be change, fear will get me by the short and curlies again, I will keep working through and sometimes I will feel it is all too much. As long as I can cherish the love I have and will share, remember to laugh in the face of fear, somehow make peace within about the bastards who have hurt me and neutralise the ones who would continue to do their best to make my life hell by not letting them interfere with my relationship with myself and so making them feel powerful by leeching my energy. Being kind to myself and everyone I encounter, an ongoing thing that I will fail at sometimes but always have the new moment to do better in...or something like that...being continued....Being Kind

 PS found out that Bruce Springsteen wasn't just born in the USA, he was born on my dad's birthday...so today is the anniversary of when I met Adam whose Bucketful of Hope I did the hair thing for Nia and my dad.

 purple hair fundraising combo pic
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Friday, 14 September 2012

GBE2 70 ~ Reaching Bottom


I have been watching Heroes from start to finish. I am on 3rd viewing, it has helped me relax and think about stuff that is affecting my health and keeping me in this long cycle of breathing problems this last few weeks. I have also found meditation videos to keep me coping in between. May sound a bit odd but it is working. Yesterday I was watching the episode where we see a bit of broken humanity in two of the bad guys and they heal something within each other.

I think the reason the show is helping me at the moment is through the fiction it shows very real human responses and it explores how circumstances add up to cause different characters to choose their next step. Swapping and changing between hero, villain, victim and the wavering of self confidence between feeling superior, inferior and accepted just the imperfection we are. We are all imperfect, we all inflict pain even with the best intentions in some measure. We all feel damaged by pain others have inflicted on us. We are all the only person who can hold on or let go and to let go we need to find peace.

I think peace is found in having compassion for all pain, ours and the bastards that nearly ground us down to forget we are the ones who are in charge of how we feel about everything that we hurt ourselves with, no matter who put the seeds in place. Some of those bastards see us as bastards too...

This morning I thought I was going to end up in hospital. After that episode (s3 e9) I listened to some different meditations. I was getting bored with the others and they were not helping, nor were the nebs. I was preparing to ask for help to go off in an ambulance again. Peak flow was between 130 & 150 for 2 days, they would probably keep me in. I snuggled propped up in my corner and relaxed into the meditation somehow both meditations played kind of competing and complimenting each other. Moving to sort it out was no option, moving into the corner was activity enough and I didn't want to panic. I let the meditations sweep me away into not being aware of my body and its muscle spasm antics, which seems to stop the spasms of fight or flight. It is not easy to let go of deep seated fear but it can be done.

Tom Keynon and Bashar. Both not to everyones taste but both helped me today. Bashar workshop for channelling on youtube and Keynon sound meditations on his site, especially the meaning behind and his singing of the 23rd psalm, which is all about our inner divinity and the battle of fear we play out within. It is working for me and that is all that matters right now.

I slept 12 hours. I even turned over onto my right hand side, which is a sign I am not as ill as I have been, the extra effort to turn round and sit up for the nebs can make the difference to how much of an emergency it is. I haven't slept deeply enough for weeks to move about naturally in sleep. For me trusting myself to make the right call is taking my life into my own hands in a more obvious way right now. I made a deeper peace with how much it is a process of suffering I have been through.

I half woke at one point and to describe it is difficult but I felt the rising fear and I let it go, surrendered to love. It felt surreal. I felt like I was comforting myself, holding myself together by allowing myself to trust in the safety of my deeper unconscious or something like that. I am not out of the woods yet but I am at a clearing. My peak flow has reached 190, the highest it has been for days. Moving about gently is not causing me to gasp for breath. I'm going to check out what walking to the loo does...I've been holding it in over an hour.

I just may have got to the bottom of this phase, if I have the only way is up with any steps backwards reminding me to trust my suffering and trust my process.

Part of that process is a loving compassion meditation I am preparing to do. Based on wisdom from Martin Neilan, who I reached out to in email while I was considering if I really needed another hospital stay, before I managed to go from meditation to a healing sleep and coloured by the healing nature of my dreams. I woke to the answer already feeling somewhat better.

In compassion I hold the image of each person I feel in conflict with or out of harmony with. I concentrate on the love and forgive the fear either side. I neither hold their responsibility for their well being in my hands nor give them my responsibility for my well being. Rinse, repeat as necessary.

 I went to the loo before putting the finishing touches to this, which is to report I have had the first safe loo walk for what may be weeks. I dare to say I feel quite good at 00.58 Saturday 15th September 2012.
Smiles...
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Wednesday, 12 September 2012

I Don't Fit In Many Places

Well after a long time of saying little and needing to retreat into myself to seemingly endlessly work on surviving, pulling my finger out, working through the endless fear that kept surprising me with my reaction or something like that...I have been busy typing things that I am thinking. Some people duck and cover when I do that and really wish I wouldn't. Some quite like it. I had missed that aspect of me but I know why I needed to close down and I sort of understand what I have been doing quite aside from experiencing life in my own unique way and working through layers of trauma while often in a very physical battle to keep going.

Today I have had lots of pins and needles sensations down my neck and back. To me that is a sign to meditate or let energy do its thing. To some that would be a cause for alarm and to confuse the doctor on the confusing symptoms that are quite common but not understood. I am wary of doctors and their medicines that need more medicines to counter balance the effects of that one and leave us more ill than when we started. That was my experience in 2003 onwards culminating in 2004 the year of living being dangerous and echo of that being experienced this year. 

I wrote these bits and pieces, I wonder if more than one reading this will remember my old stuff...

Elaine Edwards answers not on a pastcard or a postcard but how I sometimes see it about the shizzle that we are being lied to about and the toxins we are being exposed to, in this particular instance in the sky...
I have wondered if that is a major feature in why I am finding it pretty tough going this breathing lark lately...about an hour ago · Like · 1Elaine Edwards yet at the same time my emotional reaction to the toxins of fear seem to be the ones that affect me the absolute worst. There are many real physical things attacking us but I believe the very worst is the psychological warfare aspect of it all. The physical toxins weaken us and the physiological may be what actually finishes us off. I guess in a way my experience of being ill is usually considered anecdotal. I thought I was going to end up in hospital again yesterday. My nebs were not quite reaching the spot I was exhausted from coughing and functioning at a range of 130-150 peak flow, very physical body discomforts at the extreme end.

I knew help was on its way, I meditated with help of a youtube video that has been the only thing I can use to help me get out of the fight or flight reaction I keep going into that have prevented relaxing and easier breathing between coughing bouts. I slept and woke feeling a little better, I was supported in many ways physically and emotionally yesterday. I calmed down and I am managing peak flow of 170, which while not great is good enough to let go more fear of more extreme discomfort in the immediate moment. The fear response can be exceedingly bad for our conditions especially when the very real physical effects are being dismissed by those in power of making life harder for us.

Awareness and not knowing what we can do about it can make us feel so very powerless and more scared about the world at war between love and fear a war that seems to have reached a fever pitch. I have been sharing blogs on my thoughts about this and part of me fears doing this as I can be seen by many as a *insert insult intending word here which may actually elicit a 'thank you what a compliment that you see me as weird cos quite frankly your views scare the sheit out of me' response depending on how sure I am feeling of my current perspectives* here!

Or something like that...
6 hours ago · 20.01 Wednesday 12th September 2012

  • Elaine Edwards really can't we find a more fitting and less useful word to use to describe them?1 I know this word represents the lowest of the low but they do not give immense pleasure...so they can't be considered the word literally...I can't imagione mine going into raptures around them....I can imagine my hands choking them...just a little before I pat them on the head and ask them what is it that makes you who you are...it can't be very nice because you certainly are not...
  • Elaine Edwards I'm working on loving compassion...if you have seen the Pulling Special I reckon Karen's response to the bully she was dating would be justified but maybe not productive really...but the thought of DC tied to a chair with tampons in his mouth and ears...is all too comforting...I'm failing in my quest to be a peaceful warrior in thought...grins

I don't know what is really going on, maybe some out there do, but maybe none of us do in enough entirety to claim we know exactly what is what for everyone. 
I reckon we will always all see it differently even if it was the same...maybe.
 But what do I know? 
  What do you totally know?
For sure. 
Having examined all the evidence and found your own conclusion not just blindly following the possible learnt lies from an expert who may or may not be misguided, mislead, or too scared to tell it how they see it really that doesn't comply with their expectations and the climate of belief in popular demand for being the truth of it. We often try to fit in and don't show a part of who we are for fear of rejection, which is upsetting, I can vouch for that as I publicly discuss notions I think be be close to the truth, that are not in the majority set of thinking patterns. Many others think along similar ways, some shout, some whimper, some whisper, some hide it from themselves that maybe they are shutting down a part of themselves to be accepted by the majority, which are not necessarily even over 50% there are many ways to view reality and illusion, dreams and themes and patterns and stories...
I don't know.
All I can know is what feels close enough for my right now perception of it.
I am making peace a little deeper with I don't know. 
I may think I know and I may talk about it as if it is for sure the truth but I still don't know.
That is why life is a mystery and I love the magic of mysterious concepts of reality I can play with in my imagination.

This time spent being broken and all that has not been a waste of time. In many ways it has been amazing, just not in traditional ways. I don't see some of the things that are going on with me as purely ailment symptoms. I guess that is much to do with extreme healing crisis things I went through when being attuned to Reiki. Some healing work is painful, like the discomfort felt as a deep wound heals. There can be little difference in the way physical and emotional wounds feel while they are healing, how infections can set in and be healed or not. 

I'm still working it out, what it all means to be, whatever we be, whatever makes me and you.

It isn't quite as much a struggle today. I appreciate that. 

Some of the deepest wounds I am healing is the one of not healing quickly enough, to have kept in the patterns for so long to affect others in ways that deeply hurt them. It was the way my life was. Many of my mistakes have been my greatest gifts. Great gifts can be a huge challenge and consider us lacking. Obviously some of those gifts are people who are important in my life. While healing my wounds I have been absent in lives that may prefer I wasn't. I've wanted to hurry up and be okay to work on some bridges but I'm building solid foundations my end of the rainbow to a chance of relating beautifully...

03.38 Thursday 13th September 2012.
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