Wednesday, 19 January 2011

Follow on a Few Days Later Fit For Work

Angelishylainey | 19 January 2011 | likes, 0 dislikes
I recorded this today after being awake from about 12pm. I had slept on the sofa from about 1pm Tuesday. The day before I had slept in bed 4pm to 11pm. I tend to just go with my flow with sleep as if I try to force it, it doesn't happen, I try to swing it back round naturally. If I had to fit into someone else's routine I would be at collapsing point very quickly. I get like that with the phases I go through, so anything that I have to be a certain place at a certain time is pretty difficult for me to manage.

When I finished recording the video I went straight to bed and sort of watched a film, Constantine, led to some pretty interesting dreams but no demons. I have faced and fought most of my own demons and they were rather terrifying but I got angels on my side ;o)

I once dreamt that an angel and a demon were fighting. They took it in turn to kill each other then would resurrect and fight again. After a while they burst out laughing at how ridiculous they were being and decided to talk about things instead of this see if they could work together in peace...

I got up just after 9pm, hungry to the extent I felt sick I had half a baguette cooked and almost half a packet of bacon so before I even sat down I put the bacon in george grill and made a cup of tea. That is an improvement of the day, I shouldn't be too weak to cook a proper meal in a while now :o)

I went upstairs recording a follow on video to Fit For Work, which has been quite (I don't quite know what words to use, I think I will use them all!) remarkable, touching, almost exhilarating, nerve racking, wonderful and sad to share. It has been found distressing, disturbing, moving. People who don't know me or anything about who I am as a person are caring about me through this video, maybe not all but that doesn't matter. I have felt an outpouring of love and care towards me and that is beautiful, uplifting and gives us all hope for the humanity of society being repaired by us the people. Ironically we may become the big society in a kinder way because of the nastiness of the government and their absolute disregard for the human suffering they are inflicting.

I share because it hasn't broken me, I share because it has come so close to, I share because there are people out there with less tools in the psychological/spiritual toolbox and even less support than me who may and are breaking.

Now I need a cup of tea but I leave you with this that I wrote on Mental Health's wall...

I think it is the heart that knows we are safe, the mind puts a wall around the heart we have to break back open so the heart hurts in this process and our emotions run riot but if we go with them, if we make peace with all our fears and the heart can be open and accept so much more love as we freely share. As we learn from continually surviving the fear gets less doesn't necessarily get less but we don't stop ourselves from sharing love because of it...if that makes sense, I've woken up but a lot of me is still not quite back in body yet....smiles

Now this is all shared I need another cup of tea, although I could sleep yet I don't think it is time to sleep yet is it?! If it is I will....smiles

 I've since read an amazing and deeply moving suicide letter that was left behind by a man who sadly could only share his shadows as he left. If only we could share our shadows with less fear of the lack of compassion that can seem universal in the shadow of our shadows.

I replied on a comment on there...

I often see it as lucky that I was 18 and had my first experiences with a much loved boyfriend who I had recently split up with when I was raped. It still badly affected me but I already had positive sexual loving in my experience. This letter touched me deeply. I have written suicide notes but luckily got through that moment of despair and slowly piece by piece picked myself back up again.

What you wrote about control of the situation hit me. Also knowing I was 10 years older and although a horrifying experience, it only happened once and I never saw him again and I had more of a chance of less self damage than a child whose only ever known sex after rape. My heart goes out to you because I know how hard it was for me. For years I blocked what had happened.

I was at a festival we had met in a music tent and gone for a walk, kissed a little and he took me into a huge empty tent. I didn't realise I wasn't safe until I said it was time for me to go back to my family and he grabbed my wrists tight, stared me in the eye.

"I don't think so."

I knew he was too strong and fast for me to get away from him, I knew I would be hurt. In an instant my self preservation kicked in. I suggested how we proceeded. I took control. I pretended I wanted what was happening and I didn't get beaten, he was even gentle.

In the morning I even pretended to the world that nothing was wrong. It wasn't until years later I could admit to myself or anyone else what had happened. It hadn't affected me in an obvious way but when I was 31 and was raped again, I had counselling and started to unravel the damage to my esteem and psyche.

If only there were not such shame heaped onto victims of rape, even more than the rapist in too many cases. If only it were widely understood the way trauma can destroy the relationship a person has with themselves, which is how we relate to everyone else. If only it were understood we each have different ways we can make peace with even the worst things that happen to us, that there is no competition to what deserves our compassion and what does not. If only we were able to talk openly without fear of rejection and that fear of how another will look at us if they know all our shadows...he has left a legacy towards opening up that understanding, bless him, bless you, bless all of us who suffer with darker shadows than most.

I related to large parts of his letter. I wanted to have been able to hold him and helped him shine light on his dark shadows, hold him as the adult he was and the child he had been. Hold him and help him find peace to exorcise the ghost that haunted him of his tormentor. I have held the ghosts of past hurt and abuse long after it finished, I learnt how to let them go, it still takes me a while to do so when new ones are created. The initial shadows create greater shadows of all that follows...and so often debris of shadows are hidden to keep me on my toes.


  1. It was wonderful to get to hear you. To feel close to you, with you in your home.

    Thank you for bringing me into your 'inner sanctum' with you! Our dogs, bless them, they make us get up, get out and move about, even when we really don't feel that we can, when we really don't feel that we want to.

    Hugs to you sweet Lainey! ox

  2. I have tears in my eyes! Thank you for joinging me into my inner sanctum Robin..smiles

    He's just jumping all over me again now I have told him just a minute and he is being slightly patient. I need another trip to the loo and a cup of tea and maybe a look at what to put in the oven and then my tummbly that is getting rumbly! He's settled by my side but when I looked at him he was pondering if he should get excited and ready for me to move!

    Hugs right back at ya XXXXX

  3. Good heavens! I've seen your art now and

    Okay. Assessment. And then by hook or by crook we'll find a way for you to get back into your work again. That I promise.

  4. Grins...hugs

    You emailed me on facebook? did you! word jumble!