Sunday, 16 January 2011

One Month Before Heartbreak

I have just been crying and have had to remind myself that just because my body has let me down, just because issues of past abuse have gone towards the conditions I now live in, just because I know how hard I struggle simply to survive each day, some worse than others, just because so many of us struggle as much, more or less, just because I don't always notice when I have a really bad infection, just because the government have employed the service of inhumane ethics, just because ATOS is seemingly criminally insane with many employees not only unfit to judge a person's health but out to strip them of essential help for their survival, just because all of that I will not lie down and die, not yet, not till I have no other choice.

I became ill in 2003, medication further inflicted me with more symptoms, more distress and more challenges to my well being. I am penalised for not wishing to take anti-depressants to help me deal with the psychological distress which is not only due to a history of rape, debilitating illness, acne that covered my face from meds, lack of support, family breakdown, chronic fatigue syndrome, faulty adrenaline response, panic attacks, insomnia, ibs, blah, blah, blah but made worse by the merciless system that seems to do all it can to make an ill or disabled persons life even more hellish.

The rape trauma has paled into insignificance at what I have gone through being declared fit for work...

The tribunal was set for 12th jan but CAB couldn't represent me in that short notice after the Christmas break, so luckily and unluckily it was postponed. It meant I had to live with the worry all over Christmas of maybe having to go alone to tribunal and that I could unfairly be judged fit for work again. It means I go back to the uncertainty of when I will know what life has in store for me. Will I be having to deal with the jobcentre as a person presumed able to work, despite my reality, or will I be given some breathing space to continue to work towards my well being?

I have cried most of today because I have been getting my strength back up and did some of the things I can't normally consider. It was finishing a job I started 2 months ago, cutting up my rotting carpet from the front part of my living area. Unfortunately due to my conditions my dog sometimes wees in the house, he has wee'd all over this area. It made me suffer quite badly to do these things and I am now in quite a lot of pain. I could have had an easier day by just attending to my basic care of feeding myself. I was thinking the whole time I was doing it that if I was fit for work my house would certainly not be in the disgusting state it is and I would still be selling crafts, art and practising Reiki. I'd also be looking into finishing the counselling training I had started.

I have had good things too and crying is a good stress hormone release...and the fact I have removed the aromatic carpet is pretty great, even if it has cost me far more dearly than if I was able bodied...see i hate to think of myself as not able bodied but when I do things I have to admit I am far less able to do things than I want to.

My dog helps me in many ways to keep strong but his side effects really are a bit smelly...he can be very naughty and is deeply aware of how unpopular his weeing on boxes and buckets and plastic bags is. When I discover a wet patch and smell it he looks at me in that shamed way and runs, he knows what he is doing! I don't always discover them as I actually don't very often go to the front of the house, it is unnecessary walking. I often need to conserve that energy to do vital things. I have mopped the floor, while spoiling the food I was cooking. I discovered wee on the other kitchen carpet as well. I am exhausted and hurt in most places. So I am doing my best to relax and let go...

I zoned out there for 1/2hr or so after I had written to this point. I am quite confident this will not cause a relapse, although if it does I will be gentle with myself. I find it so frustrating cos I would have carried on working if I was in any way fit to and would have made a thorough job of it. When I was feeling well before 11/11/2003, I could have sorted most of this house out in a couple of weeks, including decorating and attempting some of the diy jobs that need doing myself. I'd have a good go at sealing the roof, it may come to that. I may even try if I can keep feeding myself daily....smiles.

I've been a sickly person most of my life, so I have more often than not been pushing myself harder than most have to. I didn't mind an awful lot, it was just the way it was. I rarely took time off sick when I had an infection or I would never have been in college when I did my GNVQ, that was the run up to having my tonsils out, which happened Feb 1996. I was also a lone parent a 9 yr old and a 5yr old and worked part time, Saturday night bar work. I was often exhausted but I was able to keep pushing myself, keep getting the children to school, me to college mostly on time, mostly finding it an immense effort especially the mornings. If I could mange to do it now I would, if I could manage to run a shop of my work, I would. I managed to get a 2:2 for my art & design top up BA specialising in wildlife illustration after having carbon monoxide poisoning from near the end of the 2nd year of the HND till the end of August 1998. I was driving 30 miles each way for those last two years, the year before was about 45 miles. I aim to be able to work towards sending work to publishers and selling my crafts again. First I have to be well enough to self care regularly enough on a consistant basis for my symptoms to be managable.

I couldn't even manage a day with 2 2hr lectures last year, once a week and still self care enough to go for reflexology 2 days later and be picked up for Mind befriending group on Friday's. I found that so distressing I asked for a psychological evaluation as suicide seemed so tempting. I came very close to break down. My car did the very next time I went out in it after considering if I had the energy after the 5th week to go and buy a hosepipe. I knew the exhaustion saved me last night. Ironically the exhaust pipe fell off my car that next time I was able to go out and drive it. I was also less keen on the idea having got to the point I could leave the house again.

I don't want to rely on a pittance that I have to beg for to survive, I'd far prefer to be fit and healthy. To me it seems the system is doing all in it's power to make sure I have the least chance of that, it doesn't support my well-being in a humane way. I know I am not the only person who feels this way.

I have made peace with the rapes. I have an understanding of human behaviour of both victim and abuser and I understand ALL abusers have suffered abuse not all become abusers. Most self abuse with thoughts and feelings of unworthiness, they may also behave in erratic ways due to triggers. They may find it hard to connect to people and unintentionally hurt others because of enhanced fears due to that abuse/bullying/teasing. As a child I was teased a lot, it led to a self worth that made me easy picking for predators. I now know my self worth, I am being treated as if I am scum but I am not. If I can help any other see their own self worth I will.


  1. Lainey,
    I feel your pain. We've talked about it before, you know that I've experienced a great deal of abuse, not only by my childhood abuser, but by the system that's supposed to help me.

    I'm glad to see you here on blogger. I have a couple of blogs here. I really find that they give me an avenue of cathartic release, allowing me to work through some of my own feelings, as I can validate them by seeing them in black and white (black and light blue in your case... he he he) and I can go back later and analyze the way I was feeling, when I'm not 'in the moment'.

    Many Hugs to you my friend. I miss our chats. Now I can stay connected to you here!

    Robin & Kodi :) ox

  2. Ooh where is the like button?! Hello sweetheart :o) x

    I'm a bit bleaugh at the moment, so brain cells are not sparking in the right order for proper stringings of words...smiles...but yeah I know what you mean... x