Can I Help Me?

I'm a bit weary of the process of getting help at the moment as well...smiles

I was looking at the videos I did on November 23rd, which was when i cut the carpet up. It was the day after the visit from a new befriender from WRVS, which had been pretty traumatic and completely exhausting. She'd pointed out that being in the house was making her mild asthma start to flair up and that the wall was indeed damp in the corner. I was also noticing how much mess was in exactly the same place now as it was then. This befriender was offering to help me with shopping and when i was able to clear bits of the house and clean up. I felt it may be quite challenging working with her but I was quite looking forward to it. *Working = sitting while she does things if I am not up to doing much, which can be as distressing and exhausting as not having help. She never came again. In the new year I was dealing with having the tribunal postponed to give me a better chance with CAB representation and support. The visit from the lady from CAB was both traumatic and very comforting, she treats me as a human being and is a beautiful soul. I feel more confident I stand a chance at tribunal with her by my side. It is not easy living with that hanging over me for the past 7 months. It is making me more determined to not let this kill me. I could have let other things defeat me, I made peace with them. It is hard to make peace with such an uncertain future.

If I could and I sold the house that would cause me huge difficulty and stress, living in it the way it is isn't easy but I appreciate I have my haven and that I haven't lost it, which could happen. I have 5 years before I am 'safe' there! When I focus on the problems I could get very upset and start worrying again, what do i do, what do i do? But at the moment i am trying to work up the right feeling I need to go to the doctors again. I need to pick up the letter from my doctor, which lists my symptoms and will cost me £37.50 or something like that. I am not sure if he really wrote something that anywhere describes how I am not just being lazy! After all everyone knows chronic fatigue is a really lazy persons excuse ;o)

Actually virtually all people i have met with it were driven people who pushed themselves very hard and were ambitious and have had to learn great patience to limit themselves from doing too much and totally wiping themselves out for days which may then drag as feeding self in that time is incredibly problematic and then if an infection comes oh dear you are not very prepared and will be going hungry a while. Then the often painfully slow rebuild to try and bring the weakness back to able to sit about rather than lie about.

I still can't bring myself to talk to befriender number 3 having met befriender 2 who was an elderly lady and maybe I was being ageist or maybe it was a certain way of her that prevented me asking for the same kind of help that befriender no 1 was offering and simply saying shopping. She said that just shopping was not really enough to drive 45 miles for, although I thought 45 miles was a bit of a long way to send someone. No 1 would have been her first time befriending experience, I think I overwhelmed her. They decided someone more experienced may be the ticket so No 2. I didn't think to mention that prescription getting and maybe doctor taking may be very welcome too, help with sorting out the nebuliser which needs servicing could also be in the spectrum of shopping.

I also don't get to see anybody every week, so it would be nice to have that but it needs to be someone I look forward to seeing or I would prefer to see no one at all. No 3 is an elderly gent and sounds lovely but they didn't tell him I am not good in the morning and he started ringing at 10am, I ignored the phone, I can't always cope with talking on the phone. Lovely lady in Mind on Friday at the befriending group rang him and told him I would call back when i am feeling a little better as i have been overwhelmed. It was hard for me to ask her to do that for me but glad I did. I didn't want to appear rude but I couldn't deal with it.

I like to think of myself as fine and on top of things! I am on top of a pile of paperwork and rubble with leaks and badly managed house maintenance. I am teetering and it often feels like I am falling. I know I can do better but a bit of appropriate, informed support would go down so well and help me do better. Neither No 1 or 2 were told I have a dog, neither of them were good with dogs.

I love what I said in the video Nov about how I felt triumphant and defeated at the same time. I am managing damn well for the difficulties i have, if I was just lazy it would be 'a bad show all round old chap.' I am quite capable of a lot of things, given half a chance.

Yeah petition for DIY SOS to come and sort me out and tell them they would need to help me pack to move my stuff into storage while it was being done, cos although it is very scattered i still know where most things are....there needs to be things thrown out during packing and ONLY I know what needs to be kept! Although as long as they were not going to throw anything out and stuff was somehow going to end up in the art room and in proper places maybe I could let go of the fear of not being able to find what I want when i want it! I've already lost some things so discovering new places that things are tidy would be marvellous....lol...I think they would shirk at the challenge! I'm too hard to help...bugger!

This was my reply to someone asking what support they could maybe give me...on my Fit For Work video. Oh good grief I wonder if anyone locally who knows me will see it...someone I am not connected to here... and by heare I meant facebook! I am not used to the fact i am writing somewhere new for me, yet. I could get carried away, I always was wordy unless I was hiding in my shell.