Saturday, 21 May 2011

It Can Be Disappointing ~ Is That Why I Am Moaning?!

Elaine Edwards 21 May at 08:39
I think if you are blocking other people's energy then that makes you an empath who is blocking!

I did a charity hair cut in nov 2003 for a girl I was giving reiki to who was terminally ill, the hair dresser bleached my no 5 hair before she dyed it purple, I had an asthma attack due to the bleach and was put on steroids, then I started getting every infection going, the girl and the guy I met through the charity thing both had leukaemia died Feb 2004 I went to 3 funerals of 3 special people in 6weeks. I ended up in and out of hospital developing ever worsening cystic acne, that was pretty hard to come to terms with as I looked like a burns victim and it was painful as well....basically my immune system was killed off and I still had worse asthma symptoms than ever in my life and then the chronic fatigue started taking over as main symptom and fibromyalgia. I also went through panic attacks, another bout of ptsd (went through that in different ways due to rape at 18, unhappy marriage 19-29, rape 31, loss of family due to them losing respect for me, partly due to me going out with some younger men although I don't know all their reasons, loss of family unit which broke down under the strain of me being dangerously ill quite often with no other support physically than them when they were 15 & 18, having to give up on my self employment, ear infections (I had eczema and thrush in my ears and kept infecting them scratching. I stopped getting them so much when a doctor prescribed olive oil!), candida overgrowth, agoraphobia and the old insomnia! I have thoroughly researched feeling awful!

Don't forget when we 'heal' someone, we are really only ever being a facilitator for that person to heal themselves. 

I was told before I knew what I was doing quite naturally that I am a bit like a sponge and I mop up denser energies from places and around people just by being me and being open, too open I am often told. Being me the only way I know how to be and I have learnt/am learning to deal with being me in a world where there is quite a lot of density. I call it density because the way I am beginning to understand it, I prefer to call it light and heavy rather than light and dark! I have met very dense energy at times as well. Actually this is me redefining what I think of who I am, or who I think I am! I do this a lot really but I have been going through some massive changes and still in the old energies in ways of thinking about some things.

Bit by bit I was taught and developed for my individual needs grounding practises, cleansing practises,  letting go of that which does not belong to me, meditation and the realisation that we are what we think. I said for a long long time that nothing matters and it all matters. I am understanding that more as I live it in practise. I would get upset if things didn't go my way and focus on the upset and disappointment. I did have things massively not going my way, so I had been doing things rather out of kilter for many years to create that. Of course it is easy to stay in the hurt and pain of the things that happened to me. That is how so many of us are taught to be in so many ways. It wasn't easy learning to let go and move on rather than try to blunder on ignoring the things that hurt.

I noticed how so much person centred therapy is very much like spirituality. Recently I have read more about Jung and recognise a lot of similar experience. Although I can't remember it now, my capacity to retain large amounts of info is less than it has been and will be again.

I have seen people after they died and thought I was destined to be a medium, as I also counselled a few to move on from being earthbound. If I saw every spirit as clearly as I saw my granddad and a brother of someone once close to me and telepathically communicated with them I would do it, although i do understand that it doesn't usually work like that even for very gifted people. I think I could have trained to do that but maybe it isn't my highest ability. I sometimes feel like I am doing nothing, the propaganda against the 'workshy' has got to me at times. I know in this time I am doing things that are not valued by those who don't understand and valued by those who appreciate having me in their lives in whatever capacity. I've made peace with that. I am making peace with all my greatest fears. The thing it all boils down to is fear of disappointment and anguish. I am also I guess dealing with the fear and disappointment I am viewed with (or the love) and the fears I have created through my experience of being disappointing to others and them disappointing me.

I went off on one there...I may well share this...smiles

Am I Moaning?

I do find it quite overwhelming sometimes, all that I need to do and the little i can do at a time, never knowing quite how bad the payback will be but knowing how awful it can be and how it can also be better than I thought and I can keep doing a little more. One of the reasons I find it hard to get these jobs done is also because I want to keep going, like I would have done when I could I type this is it just over 5 hours later and I have had a bath and feel reasonably okay. I am ready for sleep now. It is I said earlier...

I'm round the bend
Back to front
Down to earth
Head in the clouds
My soul in mirth...
Wednesday 18th May 2011 11am

Thinking about it I started recording the videos because of the nature of invisible illness as such and to record the effects of unpredictable cyclic symptoms that culminate in a life where even ability to go to a regular appointment to help my condition is impossible more often than is good for me. Socialising is curtailed far more than i would like, although I have learnt to love and need a fair amount of isolation or solitude times. It was not easy when I started recording but in the last year it has got decidedly worse.

I felt bad while I was recording the video that it isn't upbeat and there isn't really much giggle factor to it...not even the fact I have a face pack on ready for my bath. I was quite flat when I recorded it, even though I was at the tail end of a not so bad pain cycle from doing the work, which wasn't as bad as when I took the cushions off and bunged them in the washing machine. I was forgetting to put more focus on what was going well than what was not so uplifting in my life. When life has lots of challenges that have been stacked against us for a long time it is easier to see the difficulty and harder to find the positive but even more vital to.

19th May 2011 04.51 length 9.02

I have linked to this one the video of my dog burrowing which forced me to tackle the job sooner than I felt comfortable doing, that was all early hours of Thursday morning, since then I have been pretty useless in terms of physical ability..


  1. When I started to exhibit just these particular "gifts" the psychotherapist I told just smiled at me and said "Don't worry, you're just Indian." That opened a lot of learning in my life, which serves me well.

    On a tangent, would you be interested in this? Seems a good way to challenge oneself to do a bit of creating. I'm going to try it today if I get a chance to breathe in between wumping.

  2. smiles...a guy (Indian/English) I know or should I say knew wanted to take me to India, he said I would be seen as a sadu there...

    smiles interesting site, I have my own projects on the go...very slow but surely will form to what I am working towards, mm by mm and at times even smaller steps...smiles and hugs x