hmmm just wrote something in my journal that I am considering blogging (first time i have done that for a long time, although there is one I didn't have the right time and energy to type up a few days ago, which may or may not....sorry). I am pretty sure it could quite loosely and firmly come under the title of She...damn how do you spell it....scrolls up to copy paste...Shenanigans....mmm
All I have to do is type up my journal, maybe even just as is...not done this for probably over a year...I like it...
20.56 Monday 12th March 2012
One thing life has taught me, is to not take it far too seriously.
Especially when it is serious.
Moments where I have seen the horror on a loved ones face as they thought I may not make it much past this moment.
Moments I have been alone with no witness to a moment I may die.
The moment sat on the loo, being administered oxygen and nebuliser by two (lovely) ambulance men around the bathroom door, just managing to hang on to live, to wipe and flush another day.
(As well, just in case you are wondering.)
That kind of moment, all thoughts of other serious matters, like will I have financial means to keep living until I maybe can start recovering enough to live my dreams. If I can't do the work that my health has prevented me from doing, that I could do in my own time and in my own home, then I can't see how I could be fit enough to go out and do a full weeks work for anyone else. I have passion for the work my body has stopped me doing for so long. I look forward to the day i can attempt to paint a canvass again, or even work at a desk.
At a moment like that even a night or more in hospital isn't important, it is merely getting the next breath and keeping the safety of an oxygen mask, until I can breathe alone again.
I am still hopeful that I will be able to build myself back up again to doing that as I continue to work towards the health to get back out selling my art & crafts. Which is also a part of my rehabilitation ~ art therapy to help me build strength, self worth and confidence after a long isolation with very poor health and a damaged, damaging environment.
I did it until I couldn't any more. I've got close to being able to do so again. I've been perilously close to dying and often long periods of following weakness, often suffering with malnutrition. All the time working on my mental, emotional and physical well being. Meditation helped me, along side other things, to find peace among the chaos, in all sorts of states of being. From ~ somehow clinging onto life to clinging onto motivations to live through this incredibly painful and difficult time. I only lost faith in ever decreasing moments that one day I will be able to maintain my health well enough to maintain my financial life, my home and my own health. It is ambitious and at times has seemed impossible.
I've learnt to have compassion for myself. As I heal on all levels, in each phase, I can laugh at the horror of taking it all so very seriously and the shenanigans of the power struggle that is being played off/out, each against the other that is going on in each of our individual lives and collectively. We all can learn to lighten up and work together. I remember ~ I am still here, still breathing, still living. *1
I am still having many difficulties to find ways through but I am alive and i have survived through so much. My life could be described as pretty dire but it isn't as dire as it has been right now, it may get so again. I probably won't enjoy it as much as an easy life in some ways. Yet i may enjoy it even more because the contrast can be so massively drastic. Bearing in mind that I usually understate things, such as how uncomfortable facing possible death can be, that may give you a clue as to how joyful simple things can be for me, or it may not.
I love life.
Even with such hardship that i wouldn't wish on my 'worst enemy.'
Besides they have got their own inner demons to fight their own battles with life itself.
I wish for a system which would value any individual such as me, a genuine 'genuine' ill person and support us back to health. it may not happen in my life time. It may be the death of me. I may lose everything else that I haven't already lost or thought I have lost for a while, sometimes a long while. I may get better despite the system that was supposed to support enough for optimal health to be regained. I may be in need of more support, in fact I am. It may or may not be available, enough or at all for me to stay alive to become fit for work. At the moment I am alive.
I have learnt to trust, that until it is time for me to die, in whatever way it can, the Cosmos will support me, through the health or the help I need to stay alive.
Everything else is details.
Everything else causes me to have emotions and work out what these emotions mean to the story of my life. *2
*1 ~ unfinished need to eat, then type more but don't want to lose this so publishing now and will edit to add the rest...23.35 12/03/12
*2 ~ back to check on that kitchen 00.35 13/03/12 ~ 01.11 food ready - delish looking - eyes really hurting now, will abandon this until maybe tomorrow...I'll be back
Friday 16th March 2012 19.14
It's been a busy week, especially for this stage of recovery after serious and just relentless health problems. I will come back to this but as I know I have nothing left to give for the next few days in ability to type, especially from notes already written....so this will have to remain for now unfinished but I feel it still can be shared....I will come back to finish when I can...