Wednesday, 8 February 2012

How Upsetting? GBE2 Upset

Upset the apple cart
my fault I was thinking of it before I slept
dreams of kissing thin lips okay but not great
so my apple cart was about to get tipped out of bed
with that came indignant anger
upset to be disturbed
a button pushed....

Many things upset us. Some circumstances or person can upset us in ways that make us feel upset and sad, upset and angry, and all sorts of other ways to feel upset. All those feelings come from fear of not being in control and comfortable. When I saw the title for this weeks Group Blogging Experience, I thought yes write a blog, there is plenty of time. I have been pretty ill and tired, aching all over. I could have chosen to be upset about that a lot more. I have the assessment looming, work to be done in my house, no heating at home, staying with my mum, insurance to sort out, my world is being upset like the proverbial apple cart.

We see being upset as a bad thing to avoid at all costs. Sometimes we need to be upset to rethink our perspectives but we get caught in the trap at being upset about being upset.

The apple cart was badly packed
uneven maybe even dangerous load
it was spilled all over the road
opportunity now to pack it right
make the burden light
throw out the dross
that makes us cross
or keep it just for fun
which makes me want to run
quick hide
cos I may lose identity
if I let what will to be
moments let go of fear
I surrender to being free.

The thoughts and events leading up to this I have shared on facebook, quite extensively. I will add a bit here...


It is looking like I may get there tonight...been picturing the process and am pretty sure I can manage it, if indication of peace and a right feeling are anything to go by. Now just wondering, if it doesn't change, which is the least uncomfortable feeling: using the walker with seat or not using it? People with limited energy have to consider these things, especially when conditions cause hospital visits almost unexpectedly. Our thoughts trip us up all the time, especially when illness has been prevelent for a long time and apparently dangerous at times.

My ability or inability doesn't always make rational sense, but it does make sense in the energy of the vibrations I find myself in with the thoughts I am thinking and past emotions I am processing because I didn't know how at the time. A time of completion is approaching and there may be moments again where I wonder if I will die this way or that. Tonight is not a night where danger of death is expected, just what levels of comfort or its lack.
4 February at 16:19
 To get there I have to do things I have been incapable of for a while again. But the energy is rising and as long as I can stay positive I know I can do it.  4 February at 16:21 ·

smiles...I've written this in private but I will share it because it is how it feels and it is hard to explain sometimes how i can be...

I can feel the energy rising to allow me to go...I managed a bath last night and to sleep upstairs...

Elaine Edwards
and although I had to take it easy when I woke and had to put on a few clothes to come downstairs I wasn't gasping for the nebs when I got to my chair...

Elaine Edwards
I was just talking to her about the night i was able to go out after a bath...the weekend before I went into hospital November...
scalding my arm and being able to deal with the whole getting dressed thing as if it is never a problem...that always stuns me how that happens and it could so easily be seen as I'm putting it on the rest of the time to not be able to but the most recent hospital visit kind of makes sure that I can't be truely blamed of that!

Elaine Edwards
yes
Wednesday just over a week ago was a bit of a hard day and I had to wait for Dave to come and make sure Joey was restrained so ambulance would come in to treat me...I had to wait and it got a bit dicy, probably even more dicy in a way as I knew help would come but didn't know if I had left it too late for a while...which led to the will be famous being treated around the door while I hoped to make it so i could wipe and flush...never mind live to tell the tale, without blushing too much depending on who it is to!!!
4 February at 16:41 ·

I have had the imagined conversations with the next atos assessor quite often but not constantly. Often I am quite cutting and on form when I imagine taking back my power and reminding them of the abuse they are trying to deliver to me.

I'm glad you survived the embarrasment!
Elaine Edwards
yes...it certainly has kinks in it at times!!!!
it wasn't exactly a moment of oh great this is happening...but it has provided some chuckles since...I was thinking didn't Elvis die on the loo?!
4 February at 16:47 · 
bless you...it is all designed for us to face fears and realise they are not so scary...I was thinking earlier about people who don't realise they are brave because they are so scared, yet they are still surviving, no matter how barely and have the chance to let go of the fears as they realise it just hurts to do so...or something! Feeling a mite tired now and need to get back into the flow of energy....smiles xxx4 February at 17:15
 just hurts to let them go but not as bad as holding onto them for a long long time...loved it and left this...We are different and the same...this is a beautiful piece of writing, explaining how you are giving yourself permission to be who you are, even though that can never fit into expectations of conformity. No-one has the right to strip away who we are, not family, friend, stranger, system worker or the media...hugs x
2 seconds ago ·
4 February at 17:27 ·
I loved the feeling of, I could go. I was even still planning on going after the impromptu family gathering. I'd scrapped the idea of going home first to get my jeans on instead of the comfy leisure trouser things, that are bearable to wear for comfort. I don't feel comfortable in jeans for hours on end like i used to and all the trouble to go to the loo with them, the extra work. When you are just normal tired it can be a bother but when you can hardly move for weakness it drains on the miniscule energy reserves too much. I'm sort of glad i didn't go. I am really very tired now but it was lovely to spend an evening with my family. A rare treat.

I think it would have been good if I'd got there and I think I would have been safe as well as able to manage. I think the fact I can still think positively is what will bring me back to a physical, mental and emotional well being that has eluded me for years. There is more stuff to work through, my house will reflect the turmoil as it transforms back to being fit for purpose, just as my body does...it will happen because that it the way my life is unfolding and I am holding the vision, working through the doubts and realising my potentials as I move through this phase of life...
Sunday at 01:20 ·

it is when positive thought becomes the most predominant that things have gone forward, then doubts and worries have held things up...but it has been a brilliant learning curve...smilesSunday at 01:24

there was talk of the learning curve being like a monster...think it is time to make a lochness monster with a pretty back that has spikes, peaks and troughs, they come and go in the merry go round of life and positive thoughts are always on the tail...smilesSunday at 01:40


Think I am going to go up to bed as well...before i fall asleep in the chair while I am thinking about going to bed...it was a surprise the other night to wake up about four hours later aching like a mofo!Sunday at 02:09 ·

I'm doing a bit better, I may even be okay to go out unsupervised soon...lol...it's been a lot longer than I had noticed since I have gone anywhere alone...or even anywhere apart from hospital and one visit to tesco when I tried the mobility scooter out, which was over a month ago. I need to get a life again...smilesSunday at 16:10 ·
What's my next step? Oh boy!

Elaine Edwards I'm part way through one & have several to go until life is given more of a chance....
 Elaine Edwards Britain is going that way...it is scary...I guess I would have died already if I lived there though...here it is only a matter of time if I keep going the way I have...
13 minutes ago ·

Elaine Edwards hugs...when I have got my house to be at least safe to live in again...maybe I will start writing...I kinda want to do the upset gbe this week...about the way ill and disabled people are abused by systems in so called civilised countries such as ours...the step I really want to be making isn't so about survival, I want to write from my experience, factual & fiction...
9 minutes ago · Like · 2
Elaine Edwards something that says about politicians having damaged vegus nerves...about the power of the mind and diet to get through things...how to break out of the fear...and I know a thing or two about how biological and psychological attacks cause us to further have immune problems...I see how abusive the system is, it is shocking but I must not let the fear and horror of it get me...if I can live through what I have already I must be able to learn to deal with the emotions and fear that can cause me to shut down my ability to breathe...putting me in hospital before the NHS falls apart and I am no longer entitled as I am not able to pay...
3 minutes ago · Like
Elaine Edwards I can do punctuation & grammer better when I am a bit better than I am now....I can at least walk about a little without it being actually dangerous now just got the pain in the body to deal with right now, that is almost a doddle!!!!
2 minutes ago
Yesterday at 02:31 · 
Truth Theory

when I saw the title I just thought how the truth is so essential for happiness, every part that has to be hidden to keep the peace or the feeling of dignity is another part of us we shut down or hide a part of us away...it can be very tough getting the balance right...cos society is oh so quick to judge, so more and more becomes things we must hide...it is a wonder anyone gets out of life sane...maybe the ones who keep the blinkers on have just learnt to be insane to fit in with an insane world...I'm feeling a bit bleaugh about it to be honest....smiles
Yesterday at 02:40  
on what is the most spontaneous thing i have done...

Elaine Edwards I suppose there are a few...somethings start with a thought....like I'm going to shave my head for charity...you know the rest a no5 and allergy to the bleach before it was dyed purple and the rest that follows may suggest that impulse was possibly not such a good plan cos who plans on disability and illness...i hate to admit I am often disabled...then there was the little pointers towards going to Turkey alone in 2007 and booking it the following day, now that was a fun adventure and so was fundraising for the hair thing...I have learnt a lot about healing through being sick and still working on it...maybe when I have cracked it I will have more answers...
  ·

There are a few moments with some men too, some could be considered rash and ill advised...whistles, looks innocent...fails

Saying that all experience has given me more clues to who and what I am and what my life means to me. It may mean a few different things to a few other people but it is after all mine. I want it back and I am finding the way to do that....there may be a few steps to do that but I know it can be done. I can do this...
15 hours ago  

Nothing more tempting than temptation you desire...
 I realised a long time ago I can be persuaded to do absolutely anything, that I WANT to do...sometimes I can be persuaded to do things I don't want to but try to tempt me with things i don't want and I may get a bit irritated...15 hours ago 
you wouldn't like me when I am angry....I can be a right cow!!!!
Elaine Edwards some of my videos could be called spontaneous...in fact virtually all of them!
17 minutes ago ·

Elaine Edwards and I sometimes look at them on youtube and think should I leave this here?!
17 minutes ago ·

Elaine Edwards I suppose many of the actual life changing things that have happened with me have been due to me listening and acting upon that little voice of do this or that...I established my relationship with my ex husband on acting on a thought...I'm bored...Fancy a coffee...
15 minutes ago ·

Elaine Edwards I was being hassled in the pub close to closing time, I turned round to my future exhusband and his friend and asked if I could talk to them cos of this bloke...they said yes and virtually ignored me but at pub shut walked me home as they were going that way anyway. At the corner where my flat was and they were due to depart I had the I'm bored thought and without further thought asked them in for coffee...they were snowed off the local RAF camp (now army). We drank a lot of coffee, ate toast, talked laughed and then after dawn I went to bed leaving them a blanket between them! They took me shopping the next day and we went out and all got a bit drunk, we got together than night...if I remember rightly I was still forgetting his name even then!
2 seconds ago ·

Elaine Edwards I wouldn't regret a thing, I would tranform into the between lives and probably start planning a return to another life...saying that the other day just before the ambulance men arrived I thought I may die before i wiped and flushed...it is humbling being treated with oxygen round a bathroom door and still it taking a while before you feel more confident that may not be the way you die and being quite happy about that! I have faced the moment several times the last few years. I reckon I have more to do before the actual day but when it comes I will not fight it. Fighting it hurts, so far each time i have surrendered to the possibility I have found peace and survived. I wonder how idfferent it will be the day I don't stay.

I suppose you meant what would you change if you survived more than what would you change in the last day...one day only gives times to change perspectives yet again...smiles...I am finding more peace and keep on moving in the right direction to make life more easily comfortable...
2 seconds ago ·
14 hours ago ·
Elaine Edwards haha just remembered in my head for the first couple of days he was 'the other one'...I'd ask his friend what's his (= the other one's) name
A few seconds ago ·

Elaine Edwards I love the way fate walks all over us...lol

I've thought about who is the one? I haven't met him but I have met some that were close enough for a while...
2 seconds ago

Elaine Edwards I reckon there are predispositions...I wonder if I'd ignored him then would we have met again...it would mean I had different children and a different life...a friend I am no longer talking to made a huge impact on my life. I wouldn't have ended up having some incredible experiences over the last few years if I hadn't known her and met many through changes she brought to my life...she was someone I instantly 'knew' although we had to learn the details...and even now I sometimes know she is thinking of me and how, with anger or with sadness...I find the anger a bit uncomfortable...smiles
2 seconds ago
14 hours ago
Meditation is calling me and issues to sort out as my chest constricts and I feel a minor suffication as I let go of the tension I am holding to let go of...
Burp...classy gal me...grins
Elaine Edwards Smiles...I've been thinking of some past passion...I may not find more but I think I will...whatever happens it will be okay...never sated passion, so it is a kind of an ambition...alongside writing my book/s...thinking of wishing on the full moon my list of my desires...or something...just been meditating and may just sound like a mad woman but what the heck...smiles
Phew just sat out in the cold light of this February full moon...it is beautiful...the breathing has calmed as I worked through some energy work, there is more to come...
time for the epsom salt bath...I did wonder if bathing would be a dangerous activity tonight but I have worked through that blockage...for now...
I managed my bath, it got slightly dangerous but I managed to get out of the struggle, relax and breathe...smiles

I thought up all sorts of maybe not hilarious ways to describe my last apparently serious inability to breathe. Including the thoughts that went through my mind as I struggled for oxygen and fought myself in a battle for my life. I remember wondering if I lost consciousness what would happen, would they be able to revive me would they wipe my bum and pull my pants up? If I died would someone flush the loo? I smiled and laughed gently as I thought of what I just wrote. I clearly remember having those thoughts and the only regret I would have had was how undignified it would be for my son, witnessing something like that. No-one wants the story of their mums demise to be anything to do with poo and loos...

As I struggled with breathe tonight, had I not been able to calm myself there was the possibility of getting as bad as that. I really did panic more than I would like to admit to myself that night. I'd got myself calm while I was alone and had a fit like it sat in the comfy chair getting concerned at how much longer i had to wait until it was viable to get an ambulance. To be fair I was maybe in a worse condition, cold, hungry, thirsty, alone and had known it wasn't safe to go to the toilet for a few hours of needing to. I was also in a rationally unsafe position and condition. I was told I left it too long, which is why I became tachachardic (sp?). In the bath tonight I knew i was relatively safe. If the breathing got so bad I needed the nebuliser I could call my son, wake him and get help much more quickly anfter being far less time of finding it easier to struggle with the breath than let go, surrender to allow my body to breathe for me as it is supposed to do and does when there is no restriction, physically, mentally or emotionally...
10 hours ago ·       
Ah now I am sleepy...looking forward to see what dreams happen now...grins...nighty morning night...9 hours ago ·
Well it was all going well until I was woken up and boy am I in a bad mood now.about an hour ago ·
It is the cardinal sin to wake me up for no good reason!! It can instantly put me in a bad mood that stops me going back to sleep and leaves me having to let go of anger...about an hour ago · 
A Love Story ~ Mooji
helping me release the anger...just a bit upset about nothing much really now...reminders held in his words stopped me from holding on to it and boy did I want to hold onto that indignant anger at being woken up for no reason when if I had woken up in my own time I would have been fine and ready to do what I need to do...as it is I am having a bit of a sulk upstairs partly to make sure I don't unleash my anger onto the person who woke me....Also thinking of the privilege not appreciated that I gave to a person to wake me no matter how much sleep i had to spend time together...in would have been a Wednesday and come to think of it at the time I was woken.

This is making me see two things...when we try to awaken someone to look at the world from our perspective and they get angry with us, why do we get upset? We interupted their dreams, they would have been interupted anyway in their own time. We may see it as urgent and the other person is just irritated by our need to pass on information that could have waited for the sleeper to naturally wake up. Offer information but don't insist in pushing it at your own speed, allow another their own speed.
  about an hour ago  
When we are angered or irritated, we like to hang on to that feeling and really get twisted up by it. Yet it is just a message to us to look at what is really making us angry. When we get caught up in games of anger and retribution we behave in spikey unpleasing ways. It is not a comfortable feeling but it is familiar. So we waste an awful lot of energy feeding the anger towards the event or person that pushed a button, even if they 'should have known better!' If it takes us a long time to get to the conclusion or we include an exchange of spikey energy to further distance ourselves from our self, we have really forgotten to look deeper and let go of control...he says on one of the ones I posted yesterday about buttons something about as you let go of the attachments you let go of the buttons...and fear the loss of identity...I may be getting the hang of this a bit more...grins  about an hour ago ·
Nearly ready to appreciate the irritation, how annoying! Now I am laughing, it is so annoying to let go of righteous indignation.  about an hour ago · 
And funny.  about an hour ago 
Upset?
Nah just living and discovering my identity, really has nothing to fear but fear of fear...grins 

9 comments:

  1. Sweet Elaine,

    I always wish I had words that could soothe you and bring you peace. You work so very hard to find your answers, to find that place within you where you are healthy and pain-free. I never find the right words, but as always, I care. I care a great deal.

    You're such a tender spirit, fragile and broken at times, but strong and whole, too. I'm not sure you get credit for the strong and whole part--not from others or even from yourself--but it is there. The core of you is pure and kind, and it doesn't get much better than that.


    Beth

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    1. Bless you Bethy...I get better and better at finding my peace inside. Some people see me as strong and whole and some see me as pathetic and unable to deal with the past...smiles

      Words don't mean as much as what is behind them <3 x

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  2. This is an amazingly wonderful look inside of you. The you who talks for her own benefit and reflection. I see such determination and I see the will to fight and struggle and if not win, win this one. Life isn't fair and it isn't easy and you have a tenacious hand on that. Never giving in and living in reality makes you a remarkable human.
    I am so glad I got this chance to really meet you. The real inner you.
    Thanks for sharing all of this. I am humbled by your strength and your love of life.

    ♥ Looking forward to more.

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  3. I absolutely LOVE your poetry... your writing... your strength and determination. Our changing is the only constant! So glad you commented on my post and that I found your blog because of it. GBE 2 is a good thing. :-)

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  4. so many words....its hard to read, its a journal of your heart...i almost feel like a voyeur reading but know this is just part of the path...and you're almost there..the breaking through..no need for confirmation...and you brush on the painted strokes of your heartbeat of knowing...healing

    ((hugs))

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    1. I'm about to type up the blog that flowed to through my pen to my sketchbook/journal earlier...it may not be so jumbled, more healing has had chance to work since then...smiles...and I thought of this comment and how rambly this one was...i am back to more rambly now but hoping to type up what I wrote earlier...

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