my fault I was thinking of it before I slept
dreams of kissing thin lips okay but not great
so my apple cart was about to get tipped out of bed
with that came indignant anger
upset to be disturbed
a button pushed....
Many things upset us. Some circumstances or person can upset us in ways that make us feel upset and sad, upset and angry, and all sorts of other ways to feel upset. All those feelings come from fear of not being in control and comfortable. When I saw the title for this weeks Group Blogging Experience, I thought yes write a blog, there is plenty of time. I have been pretty ill and tired, aching all over. I could have chosen to be upset about that a lot more. I have the assessment looming, work to be done in my house, no heating at home, staying with my mum, insurance to sort out, my world is being upset like the proverbial apple cart.
We see being upset as a bad thing to avoid at all costs. Sometimes we need to be upset to rethink our perspectives but we get caught in the trap at being upset about being upset.
The apple cart was badly packed
uneven maybe even dangerous load
it was spilled all over the road
opportunity now to pack it right
make the burden light
throw out the dross
that makes us cross
or keep it just for fun
which makes me want to run
cos I may lose identity
if I let what will to be
moments let go of fear
I surrender to being free.
The thoughts and events leading up to this I have shared on facebook, quite extensively. I will add a bit here...
To get there I have to do things I have been incapable of for a while again. But the energy is rising and as long as I can stay positive I know I can do it. 4 February at 16:21 ·
smiles...I've written this in private but I will share it because it is how it feels and it is hard to explain sometimes how i can be...
I can feel the energy rising to allow me to go...I managed a bath last night and to sleep upstairs...
and although I had to take it easy when I woke and had to put on a few clothes to come downstairs I wasn't gasping for the nebs when I got to my chair...
I was just talking to her about the night i was able to go out after a bath...the weekend before I went into hospital November...
scalding my arm and being able to deal with the whole getting dressed thing as if it is never a problem...that always stuns me how that happens and it could so easily be seen as I'm putting it on the rest of the time to not be able to but the most recent hospital visit kind of makes sure that I can't be truely blamed of that!
Wednesday just over a week ago was a bit of a hard day and I had to wait for Dave to come and make sure Joey was restrained so ambulance would come in to treat me...I had to wait and it got a bit dicy, probably even more dicy in a way as I knew help would come but didn't know if I had left it too late for a while...which led to the will be famous being treated around the door while I hoped to make it so i could wipe and flush...never mind live to tell the tale, without blushing too much depending on who it is to!!!4 February at 16:41 ·
I have had the imagined conversations with the next atos assessor quite often but not constantly. Often I am quite cutting and on form when I imagine taking back my power and reminding them of the abuse they are trying to deliver to me.
I'm glad you survived the embarrasment!
yes...it certainly has kinks in it at times!!!!
it wasn't exactly a moment of oh great this is happening...but it has provided some chuckles since...I was thinking didn't Elvis die on the loo?!4 February at 16:47 ·
bless you...it is all designed for us to face fears and realise they are not so scary...I was thinking earlier about people who don't realise they are brave because they are so scared, yet they are still surviving, no matter how barely and have the chance to let go of the fears as they realise it just hurts to do so...or something! Feeling a mite tired now and need to get back into the flow of energy....smiles xxx4 February at 17:15
just hurts to let them go but not as bad as holding onto them for a long long time...loved it and left this...We are different and the same...this is a beautiful piece of writing, explaining how you are giving yourself permission to be who you are, even though that can never fit into expectations of conformity. No-one has the right to strip away who we are, not family, friend, stranger, system worker or the media...hugs x
2 seconds ago ·4 February at 17:27 ·
I loved the feeling of, I could go. I was even still planning on going after the impromptu family gathering. I'd scrapped the idea of going home first to get my jeans on instead of the comfy leisure trouser things, that are bearable to wear for comfort. I don't feel comfortable in jeans for hours on end like i used to and all the trouble to go to the loo with them, the extra work. When you are just normal tired it can be a bother but when you can hardly move for weakness it drains on the miniscule energy reserves too much. I'm sort of glad i didn't go. I am really very tired now but it was lovely to spend an evening with my family. A rare treat.
I think it would have been good if I'd got there and I think I would have been safe as well as able to manage. I think the fact I can still think positively is what will bring me back to a physical, mental and emotional well being that has eluded me for years. There is more stuff to work through, my house will reflect the turmoil as it transforms back to being fit for purpose, just as my body does...it will happen because that it the way my life is unfolding and I am holding the vision, working through the doubts and realising my potentials as I move through this phase of life...Sunday at 01:20 ·
it is when positive thought becomes the most predominant that things have gone forward, then doubts and worries have held things up...but it has been a brilliant learning curve...smilesSunday at 01:24
there was talk of the learning curve being like a monster...think it is time to make a lochness monster with a pretty back that has spikes, peaks and troughs, they come and go in the merry go round of life and positive thoughts are always on the tail...smilesSunday at 01:40
Think I am going to go up to bed as well...before i fall asleep in the chair while I am thinking about going to bed...it was a surprise the other night to wake up about four hours later aching like a mofo!Sunday at 02:09 ·
I'm doing a bit better, I may even be okay to go out unsupervised soon...lol...it's been a lot longer than I had noticed since I have gone anywhere alone...or even anywhere apart from hospital and one visit to tesco when I tried the mobility scooter out, which was over a month ago. I need to get a life again...smilesSunday at 16:10 ·