Something in this moment clarified by the conversation in my head with another you out there outside of my world in reality of this moment but an aspect of the picture I hold as it unfolds, of who this person is. I was quite perturbed recently to learn that someone was imagining doing things with me, not just romantic and sexual but saving me from myself and reorganising me. I was a bit spun out to be honest. I hadn't wanted that, just help and maybe friendship. I felt energetically invaded by him.
It brought up ponderings of if that was how it
felt when I become attracted to someone and attached to the idea it
could work out and times of wanting to expand on experiences already
savoured. I can't deny I have in my mind made one or two or maybe quite a
few men into my imaginary boyfriend, either trying to involve them or
not. Clears throat and suppresses a chuckle that was only half arsed
I am sensitive to energy of people, so I maybe feel it
more keenly, or with an inkling that it is not just me thinking along
lines of feelings and visionary glimpses of either mine or anothers
dreams. I don't know if I am explaining that well to those who do not
experience life in this way. I have found that a lot of solitude and
isolation phases actually help me see what is my energy in any
connections where it can get a bit lost and merged.
I think we
all have the sense of feeling each others vibration of energy, we just
take it so for granted as it is as natural as sensing our surroundings
with the more physical defined senses. We feel atmospheres in rooms, we
all pick up on other individuals and mass emotional energies. If we are
fractured in our boundaries by stress and illness it is harder to feel
safe in crowds and to be able to buffer ourselves against the pulls and
sways of all the swirls of energy around us. Which can account for many a
panic attack I am certain of that...
So back to the point. Since
I have become more aware of how we can play with each others energy
while thinking we are just having private thoughts and thinking it is
fine to do so, thinking we are respecting the other. They may have
strong boundaries and anything you think their way bounces back to you
or there may be cracks that you get into, delighting or annoying them or
both. I am talking of my own experience of this both ways...
still the point. When I realise I can't stop having thoughts that may
be welcome or not if there are cracks for my energy to be invasive. I
worked on more not focusing on the person but the aspects I enjoy and
creating a character in my mind which may not behave how the person it
is based on. Then when I find myself conversing with myself with their
character being the other voice that may not say much anyway because I
don't always give imaginary characters much chance to talk. Mind in the
confines of the context of relating it is all about me when it is a
person who is speaking to me because of their job. Of course some
friends actually know when I am having daydream type conversations in my
head with them, because they are also having them with me...
I am not sure if I really made the point but I think it is clear for
me. After all the conversations in my head with another you are pretty
much ones that bring up stuff I need to look at for either fun or
putting old fears to rest in peace, complete and not in pieces....
18.58 Friday 25th September 2015 sharing here written half hour ago or so...