Having just realised that my appointment with the doctor who knows me best in my surgery is Monday and I haven't got a clue what my level of expression will be as it so often varies from moment to moment. I wrote a letter to take. I may give it to him anyway. I may try and type it up...
03.19 Wednesday 20th November 2013.
The last time I saw you as a patient was before I went to the rheumatology & I tried to get an appointment again but was going through the aftermath of Nov '11 hospital admittance & warfarin, hospital transport, one or twice weekly clinic. I then was declared fit for work, while in hospital, end of June '12. I was very ill dealing with that & could never get an appointment with you when a note was required and didn't have the ability to deal with anything less urgent, not to do with surviving.
Last time I saw you in the practise was the day I had my spirometer test 17th September. I am starting to get a little better since then with care now coming in. I'm getting help from CAB with my DLA claim too, which has eased a lot of the trauma & anxiety that comes up when dealing with asking for help & being unable to do even enough to look after myself. I still feel I can be better but there are many little steps & stages I need to get through. Including making my house fit to live in. The work it needs having done is out of my reach at the moment. I have no help for it but maybe when I am able to deal with it I will find the help I need.
Last time I saw you in the practise was the day I had my spirometer test 17th September. I am starting to get a little better since then with care now coming in. I'm getting help from CAB with my DLA claim too, which has eased a lot of the trauma & anxiety that comes up when dealing with asking for help & being unable to do even enough to look after myself. I still feel I can be better but there are many little steps & stages I need to get through. Including making my house fit to live in. The work it needs having done is out of my reach at the moment. I have no help for it but maybe when I am able to deal with it I will find the help I need.
So far there is progress. I am choosing to trust it will continue at a pace I can keep progressing in. So far it seems to be doing that. I am slowly learning to trust the support being available to me, while knowing at any time the support can be taken away, no matter how much I need it. A decision someone else makes about me. When suffering it is not easy to make peace with the fact you have to rely on others for your basic needs. I have to curb my enthusiasm to do things without losing the will to carry on, with no end in sight.
15,56 Weds
15,56 Weds
After writing this I was tired but unable to sleep, I tried again to settle down at....I will just post my comments off my status about this letter...
05.36
need
longer lasting hot water bottle....
06.59
was
that only just over an hour ago....I was close to
sleep...ish...thinking about my major life events time line and
surprised myself at pretty major ones I missed till I backtracked.
things I once had bottled up and not faced till much later. I'd
got to 2nd move to Germany, while pregnant, leaving terminally
ill dad behind.
woah...Joey just went a bit agitated and
barked at me. Not sure if he heard the wind knock the door again,
it makes the letter box flap knock the door but I didn't hear
anything. It was an enemy at the door kind of bark. He has finally
settled in the few minutes taken to type this...
been back
at bed just over 10 mins and started typing this that long
ago....got hot water bottle and sorted maybe sleep will come when I
settle back down...
07.01
just
had to show him there is no-one at front door....
07.27
he
probably wouldn't have barked if I had been asleep....or I may not
have heard him....I can sleep with him barking...I've even fallen
asleep while he barks...weird sleep isn't it? It can be so easy and
unavoidable or so elusive and unobtainable....like the stuff they
mine a paradise for in Avatar....
07.28
unobtanium
sleep...no wonder they wanted to market it...
13.00
Oh
god....horrible wake up with stranger again when expecting known
carer....wasn't nice Joey barked she had little patience, I felt
like I may pass out, felt sick...had to get out of bned
13.01
bed...she
was getting cross at Joey barking as she tried to get out the
door...I locked door and screamed for about 5 minutes.....I'm
calming down a bit now
Joey
having a premonition was suggested I think he did know something
was going to happen today
funny
thing is I nearly locked door again
(when Joey barked before sleep)
13.16
I
think he did...poor thing been hiding under the bed...I need a
coffee now...feel shit have rung office in a right state asked them
never to send a stranger again...just been to loo & made
one...still keep bursting into a kind of wail
15.49
I'm
much calmer now. I have been talking it through with my mom and a
friend who knows me well and has helped in my self healing with
energy and words, she is an amazing healer and I have managed to
put it into perspective of the energy play more than the actual
details, which is a sort of detachment but at the same time not in
a closed down completely detach from reality way, which I have done
before. It shocked me and was an uncontrollable reaction in my
reality. I had just written a letter to my doctor saying I was
learning to trust the system and know it could let me down at any
time....going to finish typing that up....I was also wondering if
after this jump start of my adrenals again if I run the engine
properly will it help my adrenals work more appropriately?
I
am going to try and eat the banana by my side in a minute....and
keep grounding, grounding, grounding. Phew, it has been intense!
16.11 Of
course it doesn't help that I am at most fragile and volatile point
of my hormonal cycle right now as my period is starting...need to
eat that banana!
16.23 it's
quite a trip...so much energy working through to a healing point
for me, which is not comfortable much but powerful...smiles x
