I didn't really always know it but I have been writing my book for years in abstracts in my journals. Sort of. I need to look through all of them but that takes organising and things have been getting in the way of that again of late. Health was almost fabulous. I felt just quite stretched and only teetering towards overwhelm at manageable, just about, intervals. Which was a relief after it was so long a question of will I get better or will today end this, not for one minute feeling it to be my time yet, with things left to do, including learning better punctuation and word usage. Things hinted at in an altered state that caused me to vibrate and go very hot as well as say things about my future after speaking of danger that could have been avoided another accident after the first one hadn't worked to say time to move on from that job...
Of course I could just be a crazy nut job, which I have had the honour to be called on previous occasion by someone who would think it weird I may celebrate that fact but who cares, I am me and i have been learning to like me even when my own body lets me down and causes me great suffering which is uncomfortable in quite an extreme way. I wouldn't recommend not being able to breath well enough to function effectively as a hobby to anyone. It can also be very frightening if you are afraid you may die, especially if it is an agreed risk of you condition and you have previously seen the 'Oh Fuck I think she is going to die' look on loved ones faces. I find these things interesting, which probably proves without a shadow of a doubt I am totally fit for work. I can joke about that a bit more now, having won my tribunal and being currently supported as an ill person before the next round of assessments when the judges apology is spat on by atos when they declare me fit for work again. Not wanting to write my story that way so working on any fear attached to that as a possibility and considering if I need to learn that harshly again and who knows how we write our own destiny while fate brings us the perfect other actors of life to play the plot we co-create directly and indirectly.
I am wondering if this is the end of the last chapter of the last book, this life having many books to it, not just one like some of the other lives it feels like I remember in brief and the love we had shared, with whoever my soul rejoices or sometimes fear steps in and sometimes I was right to fear but needed to face the truth and other times fear was clouding a loving connection, sometimes just for a moment. I've been learning to trust myself. Or is this the beginning? A new chapter, is it a new book. I don't know I can't decide and in a way for now it could still hide. It keeps me linked to here and there, the work I do between. I went and did my thing, I grounded, jerked a bit, toned loud and clear sat inside me car wondering if anyone can hear me and kinda hoped they can't. It may come to nothing at all. The fear is less that may be the case. It really is a challenge but so was getting as far as I have come. I may be considered wise or crazy or a treasured bit of both, with stubborn and occasionally obnoxious and stepping on someones toes, not on purpose but just because I haven't managed to reach the perfection of me they think they would like to see.. I've nearly worked ot out for myself...or something like that...smiles
A little later.....
The Battle of the Dragons
I didn't understand your dragons
How could they be so different from mine
You have a very gentle soul
how could dragons seem to torture you sweet soul?
My dragons take me on merry flight and guard my house for me
Your dragons step upon your toes and sets you right on fire
Dragons too have yin and yang a game of energy
I feel it truth when I think of life as energy symbolised with words
With acts, and plays and scripts and plots we never seem to see
The Dreams are different see
even if at the time
they feel pretty much the same
do you ever think mid dream
oh don't worry this isn't a problem I am only dreaming?
Lainey 02.55 Monday 1st July 2013
