Hello Iain
I have been trying especially hard to see you as a human being capable of feeling compassion towards other human beings, even if they are not able to benefit you in any way. It is a hard task. You are able to show compassion to your own family by all accounts. You knew the importance of support for your wife when she was seriously ill, so you are capable if it. Yet you tell people who are not independently wealthy the value of working through severe and serious illness, without regard to the amount of suffering and higher likelihood of death before necessary. You implement and oversee policies that ensure vulnerable people are more frightened, stressed and less supported than they need for their recovery or sustained optimal health despite being incapacitated with physical and/or mental health issues.
I would like to ask you to consider that not just as a humanitarian concept but as a sentient being causing severe harm to other sentient beings. I asked the second man who raped me these things. He couldn't see the problem, he had no problem overriding the autonomy of another human being and causing lasting damage to the psyche of that person. I felt empowered telling him how it had affected me, how I had come close to suicide because of the severe distress it had caused me to continue to feel long after the unpleasant encounter where what I felt was disregarded completely. He didn't feel he had done anything wrong, he had not remembered me crying and saying no. You remind me of that man. You blank out the things you don't want to hear about how your policies are working and you ignore genuine suffering that you are causing. That seems to be the way of coping with being an abuser of others.
I had to learn to find peace within because holding a grudge against that man for the suffering he had caused me to live with was destroying me and not bothering him at all. I have found this in other areas where I have been at the receiving end of abuse.
The most difficult abuse to find peace with is the abuse of the system that disregards my suffering and attacks me in a way to virtually ensure I suffer far more than would be necessary if I were given compassionate appropriate support to work through the mental and emotional torment living with abuse issues and severe health issues creates. I do the best I can to work through these issues while often daily wondering if I will survive the day when unable to self care and walking to the toilet could result in my death. I have been treated by an ambulance crew while sitting on the toilet after having a bowel motion and being unable to get the breath to wipe myself, and pull my pants up. At that point nothing else mattered than surviving that moment and not giving my children the story of how mum died with her pants down. That was four months before my WCA and my second hospital admittance since the interview with CAB to fill my ESA50 form.
I was in hospital when I was declared fit for work the month after and got the letter a few days after I got out of hospital. The day my ESA was stopped and the last payment made, a community care grant was paid into my account. It had been awarded with help from CAB after appeal decided on my current health issues and with the intent it would at least help to keep me out of hospital. I had been eager to recover and make steps to make my home safe and sound with measures towards my optimum health so I may one day use my talents to support myself. I was self employed before I became to ill to go out selling my art and crafts.
I always had the lower end of health. I often didn't notice when I had an infection as I was used to being below par and pushing myself to the limits. I was a lone parent who worked part time, then a mature student who did a degree in art with a view to living my dreams. I worked hard and had many wonderful options to explore. I did a charity hair cut which led to a new business idea and an allergic reaction that led to medication that led to my whole life and health falling apart around me. I had so much to grieve. The loss of my family, my health and my dreams. Many times the suffering felt so great I didn't know if I would be able to endure it or survive it. I have had the worst year health wise I have ever endured. It is only in the last week that I have been able to sleep on my right side again, with my back to the nebuliser and emergency use of this machine. Now my tribunal papers are in I can try and focus on living until the horror of being in court for failing to be well is a known date.
I know that my fear is my worst enemy, those who give me reason to fear are merely antagonists in my personal story of life. Real people who play the part of villain in my life and in your case and your friends in government, in many lives. There are many heroes who keep surviving despite your efforts to bully them into worthwhile stock. Or is it just that other person I find hard to see as a human being who has a title of lord but the heart of a rock who sees us as stock? You see I know you see me as worthless while I am ill and even if I recovered enough to fully support myself. You see me as worthless but I know I am worthy of life. That is also the difference between us. I may see you as a man who is cruel and heartless to many but I don't see you as worthless. Beneath the beleifs that you hold that cause you to be cruel there is a man not connected to his very soul, for a man connected to his soul cannot treat other sentient beings in horrific ways.
To connect to your soul you would have to face the horror of what your actions do to people. I can understand why you would wish to continue to be a villain, it is very painful to be a hero. To be a hero you need compassion, to have compassion you have to feel the pain of others, to feel pain you have inflicted on others and to forgive yourself is a great act of courage. I have compassion for you even though I don't feel you have the tenacity it takes to realise yourself as the hero you could have been in a position of power but to remain the villain wreaking tyranny over the masses.
I don't suppose you would know how to reply to this and I don't suppose you would even bother, after all I am just a human being suffering due to your being who you are being.
Love and peace
Elaine.
ps I was contemplating this while sat having an uncomfortable ibs time and reading my book about the art of spiritual peacemaking. I bet you are delighted I think of you while I release the toxic wastes of my body, alongside other people I see as abusers...smiles
