energy bringing conflict
judgement
fear
insecurity
still catching by surprise
old fear buttons
pressed
again & again
truth is subjective
patterns re-presented
ego & soul
running the show
in tandem pedalling
not always equally
teacher & student
learning humility
humanity divinity
unity division
smoke & mirrors
you am I & I am you
and all things in between...
07.07 Wednesday 16th October 2013
be calm spread love ;)
Surprisingly
enjoyable light-heartedness...lucky iplayer find a
bit fabulous ~ he's yummy & too young but sue me!
Atlantis 1.
The Earth Bull ~ Jason
washes up on the shores of a strange and mysterious land:
Nice
swift emotion processing...being in now...no current challenges to
peace...appreciating this
I
am working out more how distraction is needed at times...how it can
help us work through our processes by taking a time out...I am still
recovering from a non bath bath....I was not able to wash myself but
I was able to sit in it and even sit back for a few moments a couple
of times....things were going round my head about why certain buttons
cause me to react in certain ways...
On
a lighter note this was just so English, British...yes we have
collective kinds of ways of being that has many subcultures among the
masses of individuals that we recognise and feel at home with some
and not so much with others. I am of the female gender that puts me
in a group. I was born in England, that puts me in a group. I live in
Wales that puts me in a group. I am an artist....and so on and so on.
I don't get on with all females or all artists, that is okay. I don't
attack other females for being a different expression of female than
me. I would call a female up for being cruel if she ridiculed another
female for being female in a different way or if she did it to me
when I pointed it out as unkind.
This has slipped into
the energy of what has been the drama in my life the last couple of
days. By my life standard of drama it is insignificant in many ways
but a major thing as well. In my process of working through it in a
group situation, I was told to let it go before I was ready. While I
was fresh from being mocked again. Something that hits buttons put
there in my childhood. So yes of value but not an excuse for
unkindness.
I see the system that I depend on for my
living needs as very unkind in many places. I also appreciate it as I
would not be able to live and survive without its grudgingly given
subsistence. To shout out about it being unfair is something we are
often admonished for by those who don't understand what it is to have
to rely on a corrupt system. That may be a tangent too far but it is
all a similar energy of control.
I had so many thoughts going
round my head in the bath....being useful as a trigger to look even
deeper does not excuse stubborn denial that the other did anything
wrong at all, being obviously hurtful to many people all trying to be
more heart centred and saying sorry for being sensitive and unable to
deal with less kind energy.
I have also thought a lot about
the fact I know I haven't got all the answers and I am doing the best
I can with what I have at the moment on an energy level and the
physical. I am a human as well as a being and sometimes react more
from my human than my being and also the other way round.
Conflict
only happens where there is at least two willing people to engage
with it. If conflict is to be resolved fully then both have to see
their role that leads to the play of battle of words and energy. To
dismiss one sides part which could be seen as fault to blame them
with is damaging as holding the blame aspect of conflict. It probably
goes a long way to that being played out in so many creative ways we
choose to. Projection is a funny one as well as often one 'side' will
see the other side as projecting and themselves not doing so. This is
a problem leading often in my experience to the one who uses the most
deflection in the mirror of the interaction using it as evidence that
they are always right and the other one is wrong. Hmm where does that
leave either side? Both having won & both having lost maybe?
This is a work in progress as I unravel more. While I sat in the bath soaking in the epsom salts and still thinking I may be able to wash my hair and my body the thoughts came thick and fast. Memories of the very unkind ways of arguing and belittling to keep me subdued as a child by a sibling I could never please as it wasn't possible to change into a boy so I could be his brother and not this annoying little sister. If I had been Robert the little brother he would have liked and with the personality of me, I doubt it would have much changed the dynamics. I would have still been younger and still unable to deal with that style of arguing which was displayed so strongly by another the other day.
Considered superior intelligence and picking every thing said and done to shreds and as evidence of my 'wrongness' and their 'rightness' is something that can bring me right back to that child who felt despondent and despairing of having a place in the world. As I realised I had worth no matter how any one else saw me it still got to me but in a different way. It is not fair. It is not kind. I don't like the energy. I watch out for my shadow self that may feel a bit superior at times. That old adage of 'don't sink to their level, you are better than them,' is unkind in its own way. I am not better than them, I may be behaving slightly better but that does not mean I am better. I get my knickers in a twist when they think they are better than me when they are not, no-one is. They often act as if they are while displaying very bad behaviour. There is a part of me that forgives that but also wants them to learn to be kind and they are not always ready for that.
I wrote the poem directly after an engagement of conflict energy. I tried to set the time to GMT but it will only stay at Pacific Daylight Time. I ended up setting it to post at that time I am presuming 8 hours later...I added this bit between the hours of 17.33 and 19.19 Thursday 17th October 2013
All of this has been shared on my facebook wall too but I decided to keep it more easily found by making it a blog...
ps. I was taught to be sarcastic and fight back with stinging words. I did for a while and can be very good at it, a cutting, off the cuff statement is very easy for me to deliver. I have done a lot of work on myself to not do that so much because I can be very unkind and being unkind is something I don't want to be.
Wednesday, 16 October 2013
Monday, 14 October 2013
Faulty Data Used to Divide & Conquer...
Elaine Edwards shared a photo
It hits a nerve when I see this kind of thing shared... I had to say this and not worry if it makes me unpopular...Elaine Edwards I wonder how accurate and true this is...if the pensioner is in receipt of housing benefit as well it would be higher...whether both the totals include all the same aspects such as council tax benefit and the housing etc....these kinds of figures are used to divide and conquer us and get us fighting among ourselves blaming others whose blame is not as deserved as the tax dodging and tax breaks to big business....so the rich continue to get richer and the poor fight among themselves...
Elaine Edwards the system is wrong and in many places unfair in the most appalling ways but the propaganda used to deflect us away from the real problems and solutions make me feel sicker...
Elaine Edwards the system is wrong and in many places unfair in the most appalling ways but the propaganda used to deflect us away from the real problems and solutions make me feel sicker...
*The photos stated a figure for a pensioner and then for immigrants making it look like the later has around 4 times the amount a pensioner does. The way it was presented didn't make it clear what the figures included just came up with a total. I did keep it on my page but set to only me but it has now disappeared, either due to it being taken down or made private.* edit 18.41 15th October 2013
I guess I understand people not understanding the significance of spreading this but not spreading it after being given an opportunity to understand....if she wanted to share it do it from someone else's wall but not mine....it upset me....more than seeing it where I shared it from but then there is other stuff to do with knowing each other that factored in and the fact that she will be hurt I took her off list...
so many people believe so much shit...and some would say the same of me...grins
and I guess I did have a big sense of being let down I had been ignoring so when she did that it felt like a kick in the teeth after already being pushed out in the cold...
If it hadn't been for such a laborious procedure to defriend people I would have taken virtually every local person off my list a couple of months ago when my life felt so desperate and I had put pleas out for help and no-one responded....I was feeling no-one loves me, everybody hates me, I'm going to eat some wer-er-erms...big fat juicy ones incy wincy tiny ones, incy wincy wiincy wincy worms...oh dear....
I am not immune to acting as reactively and regressively in a playground manner...although I never joined in with any of the running to go see the action when the chant fight fight fight started up I would stay where I was or get out of the way...
I actually understand that and can be very forgiving of that having caused big breaks in contact...also understanding and appreciating I wouldn't have the energy to keep more up with many people and when the energy is not right things naturally happen and plans don't work out...and also appreciating the friendships that I can reconnect at any point with...those who mutually are pursuing other avenues as such...
I feel very serene...discussing this has helped loads...smiles
just kindness is such a blessing..
ffs it has been shared again!
I tried to put this and it had been removed....bless I hope I haven't upset a gentle soul...
I've taken it off my page...what you do with it is your choice...as I said on my page it hits a raw nerve when this rubbish gets shared xIt wasn't necessarily removed but she did defriend me...oh well...
Saturday, 12 October 2013
So Close & So Far I Am
Looking at old pictures having shared a picture of a poem thing I wrote with a bit of a sketch on my fb, which I could possibly share here...although what I saw and made me laugh and reminded me of who I am at core along the way with who I am in moments...or something like that...
·
Loving you is
easy cos you're beautiful...
I
did sing a bit of it....I sang it unheard by human ear (pitch
perfect, I can sometimes other times I sound like an embarrassed (but
not giving a flying fugg) strangled parrot) but it was being sung to
all the beautiful people I know and all the ones I apparently don't.
I'm feeling all kinda cosmic been having a lovely night and morning,
been listening to Bill Hicks and thinking he is tapped into the
cosmic intelligence that Abraham Hicks is and so am I am and so can
anybody be and so is someone already so very special to me...
And I am feeling sound as a pound and a bag of mints
A feeling of bliss it would seem unseemly to share in the glare
Scrutiny for the physically or psychologically impaired
You know the ones society once thought should have care
But the climate we live in says you must not be capable of fun
How dare you have moments that you can enjoy
The taxpayers paying for you to be scrounging work shy
If you can smile and say you are one with the world
Then why can't you get off your lazy backside
Never mind you prefer not to share all thoughts that disable
Reality of the facts of your bodies actual labels
Symptoms that worsen the more they are talked of
A catch 22 in a way to actually be enabled back to well being
A choice I take away a little each time I moan of it being true
Which by the way I have proof it is real in physical symptoms
If I distract myself with thoughts of love I can do more
I can have a safe bath without remembering I once nearly died
Bringing up fear that restricts to the extent I can't breathe
Forget it and I can enjoy a nice soak let lose in daydreams
There is someone invoking a sense dreams come true
It was an awful lot harder with the muse now retired
If all goes to plan or even if will keep my well being
Not have to distract from reality seen with my eyes
Felt in every painful moment to find a little relief
From the reality that has made up my life these past years
My nature is vital and vibrant and filled with creativity
Being unable makes me want to just scream
This isn't life it is hell on this earth
Then moments meditation a drift into bliss
Orgasm crying burping expressing all a release
My saving graces in moments so rare
Apart from the crying that was over despair
I've been on this journey to see who we are
I looked in some mirrors reflections of all
I saw me in you and in him and in her
I saw you in me and I'm saying no more
Well maybe just this there is more to explore
I wonder if it matters who thinks I deserve
A chance to live my life a chance to be heard
It doesn't much matter I am me anyway
It time for a new chapter to get written and play
You see this old story is mine as it is
It is also so similar to some others I know
It is only a story my perception has lived
The next chapter always starts where we are
Being created along the way from where we have been
The joke in the cosmos is we believe in this game
I guess we do cos it's true cos we feel it so real.
Elaine 10.42 Sunday 2010
Not slept yet since whatever time I woke up last night, can't even remember how long I slept now but it doesn't matter. It only matters if it has to. When it has to matter more of the time I have been quickly getting ill. I'm not so keen on the old escape fantasy of a life that is sometimes overwhelmingly hard being ended. I always calm the fugg down when I have to due to inability to intake enough oxygen to function properly, notice the word fun in function, when we do function, we are also able to more easily enjoy fun. I think I may have tangented there a little? But hey this is my page and I can do what I want. I can write what I want and dream what I want, this is a free country and not a fascist regime is it not?! Or does the very fact I can dream and can imagine being well and sometimes even feel that, even if it is mostly because I am in deep meditation or enjoying amazingly cool conversations. These things help me find the energy to feed myself more adequately and even take in oxygen better.
I believe I have the right to live and to choose how to recover from severe physical and psychological difficulties that have severely limited my ability to be who I am. An artist, a writer, a craft person, a visionary, an abstract thinker, a cosmic joker, a heyoka, a so called poet, a lover of humanity (but not in a sluttish way except for the lucky chosen!), a compassionate person who wants to be able to help people find their own inner power, that maybe it doesn't have to be as hard as we make it...that the truth resides in your heart and when you can see with your heart and your mind it makes everything so much nicer, but till then you may just see me as something beneath you and that is okay cos I don't see you above or beneath me.* I just see you as my equal as you are a being human too, no matter if you are so hard hearted you would judge a person more vulnerable than you as less than you. So whoever may ever read this, like it or not you are as I am, a being human and I see you at my side. You may be royal or a tramp, or anything in between, you are as I am. Nothing so special your shit pays your debts and nothing so miserably pathetic you deserve the shit that you get. We actually are in this together, it is about time we learnt how to actually do that in fairness, with compassion and respect for all human life.
Rant helped me get here as well as life, everything and everyone who has been in it, recent inspirations Bill Hicks, Abraham Hicks, Esther & Jerry Hicks...lots of Hicks here, Eddie Izzard, Jung, my lovely best so far muse with potential to develop seriously creatively, much other people's stories that are like mine in many ways, although not all those people have some of the tools i have such as meditation and counselling skills giving way to an ability to journal and self assess although possibly good to have qualified agreement sometimes...not always by certificate life can also be good for qualifying. Ramble end here...meditation time waiting!
And I am feeling sound as a pound and a bag of mints
A feeling of bliss it would seem unseemly to share in the glare
Scrutiny for the physically or psychologically impaired
You know the ones society once thought should have care
But the climate we live in says you must not be capable of fun
How dare you have moments that you can enjoy
The taxpayers paying for you to be scrounging work shy
If you can smile and say you are one with the world
Then why can't you get off your lazy backside
Never mind you prefer not to share all thoughts that disable
Reality of the facts of your bodies actual labels
Symptoms that worsen the more they are talked of
A catch 22 in a way to actually be enabled back to well being
A choice I take away a little each time I moan of it being true
Which by the way I have proof it is real in physical symptoms
If I distract myself with thoughts of love I can do more
I can have a safe bath without remembering I once nearly died
Bringing up fear that restricts to the extent I can't breathe
Forget it and I can enjoy a nice soak let lose in daydreams
There is someone invoking a sense dreams come true
It was an awful lot harder with the muse now retired
If all goes to plan or even if will keep my well being
Not have to distract from reality seen with my eyes
Felt in every painful moment to find a little relief
From the reality that has made up my life these past years
My nature is vital and vibrant and filled with creativity
Being unable makes me want to just scream
This isn't life it is hell on this earth
Then moments meditation a drift into bliss
Orgasm crying burping expressing all a release
My saving graces in moments so rare
Apart from the crying that was over despair
I've been on this journey to see who we are
I looked in some mirrors reflections of all
I saw me in you and in him and in her
I saw you in me and I'm saying no more
Well maybe just this there is more to explore
I wonder if it matters who thinks I deserve
A chance to live my life a chance to be heard
It doesn't much matter I am me anyway
It time for a new chapter to get written and play
You see this old story is mine as it is
It is also so similar to some others I know
It is only a story my perception has lived
The next chapter always starts where we are
Being created along the way from where we have been
The joke in the cosmos is we believe in this game
I guess we do cos it's true cos we feel it so real.
Elaine 10.42 Sunday 2010
Not slept yet since whatever time I woke up last night, can't even remember how long I slept now but it doesn't matter. It only matters if it has to. When it has to matter more of the time I have been quickly getting ill. I'm not so keen on the old escape fantasy of a life that is sometimes overwhelmingly hard being ended. I always calm the fugg down when I have to due to inability to intake enough oxygen to function properly, notice the word fun in function, when we do function, we are also able to more easily enjoy fun. I think I may have tangented there a little? But hey this is my page and I can do what I want. I can write what I want and dream what I want, this is a free country and not a fascist regime is it not?! Or does the very fact I can dream and can imagine being well and sometimes even feel that, even if it is mostly because I am in deep meditation or enjoying amazingly cool conversations. These things help me find the energy to feed myself more adequately and even take in oxygen better.
I believe I have the right to live and to choose how to recover from severe physical and psychological difficulties that have severely limited my ability to be who I am. An artist, a writer, a craft person, a visionary, an abstract thinker, a cosmic joker, a heyoka, a so called poet, a lover of humanity (but not in a sluttish way except for the lucky chosen!), a compassionate person who wants to be able to help people find their own inner power, that maybe it doesn't have to be as hard as we make it...that the truth resides in your heart and when you can see with your heart and your mind it makes everything so much nicer, but till then you may just see me as something beneath you and that is okay cos I don't see you above or beneath me.* I just see you as my equal as you are a being human too, no matter if you are so hard hearted you would judge a person more vulnerable than you as less than you. So whoever may ever read this, like it or not you are as I am, a being human and I see you at my side. You may be royal or a tramp, or anything in between, you are as I am. Nothing so special your shit pays your debts and nothing so miserably pathetic you deserve the shit that you get. We actually are in this together, it is about time we learnt how to actually do that in fairness, with compassion and respect for all human life.
Rant helped me get here as well as life, everything and everyone who has been in it, recent inspirations Bill Hicks, Abraham Hicks, Esther & Jerry Hicks...lots of Hicks here, Eddie Izzard, Jung, my lovely best so far muse with potential to develop seriously creatively, much other people's stories that are like mine in many ways, although not all those people have some of the tools i have such as meditation and counselling skills giving way to an ability to journal and self assess although possibly good to have qualified agreement sometimes...not always by certificate life can also be good for qualifying. Ramble end here...meditation time waiting!
Wednesday, 2 October 2013
Love or Fear?
I
think many people feel things Very deeply pain, anger and fear are
very pervasive, invasive and catching. Keeping our own balance is
often not an easy task with just our own emotions to deal with but
when we feel other peoples emotions as if they are our own it adds confusion. So
grounding and keeping a strong boundary is essential especially when in crowded
places. Letting go of what we have taken on board as ours often unknown.
There are some very sensitive people who don't know this and some
will naturally get it and others will be buffeted around until they
start to learn how to deal with it. I guess some people have very
strong and healthy boundaries from an early age, some learn how to
have them and some never learn.
I also guess it could be depending on what the soul wants the ego to play and how well the ego balances out with the soul once the call is made and heard...or something like that..
Love is also compelling. When the energy of love is stronger than the energy of fear then a feeling of bliss and inner peace ensues.
At the moment there are many people in a state of fear. All around the world a way of life that has been problematic but relatively stable has been getting worse and worse, reminding people of history that are the worst moments in our humanity, that bring into question is mankind as kind as we thought it was.
As I have gone through this year of different phases and back to worse health than ever again phases that has been far less awful since the nurse found me to be in a dreadful state with 20% lung function and seriously underweight and referred me for care through social services. Kindness and care has had a very positive effect on my health and after suffering two months of being very ill and very hungry, I am being given a better chance to recover enough to at least self care and who knows what else. Sometimes I fear sharing my optimism for a better future in case that is seen as grounds to take away all the help I am relying on to survive at the moment.
I fall into that pit of fear too. I also jump out often and dance around metaphorically like a whirlwind of enthusiasm for one day having better well being and maybe ability to do things again. Some would call that naive and wishful thinking, atos would call it fit for work. I believe in miraculous remissions. I also know they don't happen for everyone who does...I have faced a possible death moment many times and each time I was filled with a sense of calm and almost bliss. There are many reasons why I have been more afraid of living than of dying. I often felt in the midst of my worst suffering (so far) a bit annoyed because it meant I was doing something wrong because we are taught in so many ways if we are suffering we have done something wrong, or not done something or there is something to blame, or even something outside of ourselves to blame. It can take weeks and months to work through some of it, especially where abuse and neglect I've also felt fairly sure I can be better like all the other times once I have let go of something, worked on what I can for the moment and started loving my life despite the less appealing parts of it.
It seems a bit like when we fall in love, if it is mutual and feels like a fairy tale for a few weeks or longer at first we may not notice the not so good bits in each other or life. If it is desperate and one sided there is a higher ratio of fear to work through. I learnt a lot of fear around loving and being rejected with seeds planted by siblings but given power by my psyche and once fed and watered with lots of manure my own and anyone else playing in the energy, that forms the feeling of the plot of the stories we play out together. When we are bursting with love we can do anything face anything, nauseate or uplift. When we are drowning in fear we can pull anyone who gets close enough down with us. It's all a balancing act between love and fear.
Stand strong in the power of love. It is all that is left when all fear is stripped away.
I'm tired and finding it hard to find the words now. They flowed so well for a few moments there. I have added a bit, I felt there was so much more to add but then there always is...smiles
Thursday 3rd October 2013 at 00.27
I ended up writing a blog as I responded to a post on a forum. I continued feeling the need to express what I am currently learning....and there is loads more. I wanted to respond to the one about dreams too...as my dreams are helping me unravel some of the symbolism as I see it in the story of my life and try to figure out a meaning of life....the meaning is different for all of us....don't you think?
I also guess it could be depending on what the soul wants the ego to play and how well the ego balances out with the soul once the call is made and heard...or something like that..
Love is also compelling. When the energy of love is stronger than the energy of fear then a feeling of bliss and inner peace ensues.
At the moment there are many people in a state of fear. All around the world a way of life that has been problematic but relatively stable has been getting worse and worse, reminding people of history that are the worst moments in our humanity, that bring into question is mankind as kind as we thought it was.
As I have gone through this year of different phases and back to worse health than ever again phases that has been far less awful since the nurse found me to be in a dreadful state with 20% lung function and seriously underweight and referred me for care through social services. Kindness and care has had a very positive effect on my health and after suffering two months of being very ill and very hungry, I am being given a better chance to recover enough to at least self care and who knows what else. Sometimes I fear sharing my optimism for a better future in case that is seen as grounds to take away all the help I am relying on to survive at the moment.
I fall into that pit of fear too. I also jump out often and dance around metaphorically like a whirlwind of enthusiasm for one day having better well being and maybe ability to do things again. Some would call that naive and wishful thinking, atos would call it fit for work. I believe in miraculous remissions. I also know they don't happen for everyone who does...I have faced a possible death moment many times and each time I was filled with a sense of calm and almost bliss. There are many reasons why I have been more afraid of living than of dying. I often felt in the midst of my worst suffering (so far) a bit annoyed because it meant I was doing something wrong because we are taught in so many ways if we are suffering we have done something wrong, or not done something or there is something to blame, or even something outside of ourselves to blame. It can take weeks and months to work through some of it, especially where abuse and neglect I've also felt fairly sure I can be better like all the other times once I have let go of something, worked on what I can for the moment and started loving my life despite the less appealing parts of it.
It seems a bit like when we fall in love, if it is mutual and feels like a fairy tale for a few weeks or longer at first we may not notice the not so good bits in each other or life. If it is desperate and one sided there is a higher ratio of fear to work through. I learnt a lot of fear around loving and being rejected with seeds planted by siblings but given power by my psyche and once fed and watered with lots of manure my own and anyone else playing in the energy, that forms the feeling of the plot of the stories we play out together. When we are bursting with love we can do anything face anything, nauseate or uplift. When we are drowning in fear we can pull anyone who gets close enough down with us. It's all a balancing act between love and fear.
Stand strong in the power of love. It is all that is left when all fear is stripped away.
I'm tired and finding it hard to find the words now. They flowed so well for a few moments there. I have added a bit, I felt there was so much more to add but then there always is...smiles
Thursday 3rd October 2013 at 00.27
I ended up writing a blog as I responded to a post on a forum. I continued feeling the need to express what I am currently learning....and there is loads more. I wanted to respond to the one about dreams too...as my dreams are helping me unravel some of the symbolism as I see it in the story of my life and try to figure out a meaning of life....the meaning is different for all of us....don't you think?
Thursday, 22 August 2013
Who Are Us & Them?
I've been listening, reading, thinking of previous understandings in current knowledge and there is talk of us and them, diversity, division, beingness, unity, we are all connected. There are a lot of flip sides in reality that we rarely get to see because we were not looking for it or expecting it to be possible. The truth of opposing views both being correct in part at least. The complexity we have made of simple things with suppressing our very being.
I wrote that a long time ago. There has been a lot more time to think, feel pain, and be honed by the need to survive to come back to peace. I read an article that ended with me feeling a need to shine my light
After watching Lakota Woman : Siege at Wounded Knee, with the words of John Trudell, David Hamilton, Carl Jung, Abraham Hicks, Spike Milligan, Dr Brian Cox, Monty Python, Bill Hicks, Bashar, and many many more having had an effect on the direction of the ideas of how things may really work in our reality...was forgetting Shakespeare, Eintstein, words attributed to Yeshua ben Joseph, and all the influences of art, myth, legend, history from as many different perspectives as possible and whatever influenced me to believe and break down into be lie f* that...I read this.
I have been severely ill most of the time for the last 3 weeks after not being that great and as bad but with help another 3 weeks before with a while of finding it tough but managing quite well with lots of love and good support, till I came to a bit of a full stop for July. The last few years there has hardly been a gap between one hugely stressful life event and another, so physical illness on top has been worse and another stressful life event all in one foul 'fit for work' sweep.
I was considering the world as it was experienced in Wounded Knee.
I had a huge unexpected emotional reaction as they walked into Wounded Knee to take possession, in fact it is coming up again now and I will allow the tears to flow. I have walked though those gates, in the year 2000, I won funds to travel and go self employed a while. I was 10 years old when the event took place. I know some stuff about it and some myth too we can only ever know part myth and part history about current reality as we perceive it. Some of our memories are altered as time goes on and radically new knowledge comes out about what was really going on unknown to us. The memory may be the same but the relevance will have changed and it can spin us into a downward spiral or upward depending on the closer truth we integrate into our understanding of our world and where we fit into it...
The division going on here with ill and disabled people being put through such hardship the death rate has increased dramatically and they now have decided to no longer hold figures about it. Propaganda has still kept many believing it is only the genuinely fit to work that are being targeted to lose benefits and have to go through a process that comes to a judge and doctor deciding if you can have nearly enough to live on back. Disability hate crime has soared. Enough of the problems for the moment.
I have been close to having to be hospitalised and having a day or two on oxygen and the typical arguments of not taking prednisoline as it harms me terribly. Knowing also that although it is very physical and there is allergy, damp, dust, mould and stress involved as well as hunger to not being capable of sufficient self care, the main thing is my ability to release tension and work out the energy of what is going on. It can be quite hard work! Sorry laughing, why am I sorry? In this reality comedy and near death experience without quite getting to the tunnel is probably a bit taboo. I still can't accept many of the rules for being ill and dare I say it with thoughts of suicide that get quite tempting and scare loved ones. Yet often after a time when it has been so bad I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel any more and am just about ready to give up...boom...I work my way sometimes painfully slowly through it and I become the light at the end of my tunnel and I can breathe...even if it gets tough again later...I think that is why I am not afraid of dying, cos I don't think I am finished yet and if I was I can shine my light all the time...till then I have work to do...
added a bit later after an little edit...that was a bit of a long winded this inspired me to wage light, just at the right moment as I had been working through some stuff...I love that last line...smiles and thank you x
https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=10151896387028140&id=96402508139¬if_t=notify_me
Where I am it was 03.38 Friday 23rd August 2013 when I posted this...
I wrote that a long time ago. There has been a lot more time to think, feel pain, and be honed by the need to survive to come back to peace. I read an article that ended with me feeling a need to shine my light
After watching Lakota Woman : Siege at Wounded Knee, with the words of John Trudell, David Hamilton, Carl Jung, Abraham Hicks, Spike Milligan, Dr Brian Cox, Monty Python, Bill Hicks, Bashar, and many many more having had an effect on the direction of the ideas of how things may really work in our reality...was forgetting Shakespeare, Eintstein, words attributed to Yeshua ben Joseph, and all the influences of art, myth, legend, history from as many different perspectives as possible and whatever influenced me to believe and break down into be lie f* that...I read this.
I have been severely ill most of the time for the last 3 weeks after not being that great and as bad but with help another 3 weeks before with a while of finding it tough but managing quite well with lots of love and good support, till I came to a bit of a full stop for July. The last few years there has hardly been a gap between one hugely stressful life event and another, so physical illness on top has been worse and another stressful life event all in one foul 'fit for work' sweep.
I was considering the world as it was experienced in Wounded Knee.
I had a huge unexpected emotional reaction as they walked into Wounded Knee to take possession, in fact it is coming up again now and I will allow the tears to flow. I have walked though those gates, in the year 2000, I won funds to travel and go self employed a while. I was 10 years old when the event took place. I know some stuff about it and some myth too we can only ever know part myth and part history about current reality as we perceive it. Some of our memories are altered as time goes on and radically new knowledge comes out about what was really going on unknown to us. The memory may be the same but the relevance will have changed and it can spin us into a downward spiral or upward depending on the closer truth we integrate into our understanding of our world and where we fit into it...
The division going on here with ill and disabled people being put through such hardship the death rate has increased dramatically and they now have decided to no longer hold figures about it. Propaganda has still kept many believing it is only the genuinely fit to work that are being targeted to lose benefits and have to go through a process that comes to a judge and doctor deciding if you can have nearly enough to live on back. Disability hate crime has soared. Enough of the problems for the moment.
I have been close to having to be hospitalised and having a day or two on oxygen and the typical arguments of not taking prednisoline as it harms me terribly. Knowing also that although it is very physical and there is allergy, damp, dust, mould and stress involved as well as hunger to not being capable of sufficient self care, the main thing is my ability to release tension and work out the energy of what is going on. It can be quite hard work! Sorry laughing, why am I sorry? In this reality comedy and near death experience without quite getting to the tunnel is probably a bit taboo. I still can't accept many of the rules for being ill and dare I say it with thoughts of suicide that get quite tempting and scare loved ones. Yet often after a time when it has been so bad I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel any more and am just about ready to give up...boom...I work my way sometimes painfully slowly through it and I become the light at the end of my tunnel and I can breathe...even if it gets tough again later...I think that is why I am not afraid of dying, cos I don't think I am finished yet and if I was I can shine my light all the time...till then I have work to do...
added a bit later after an little edit...that was a bit of a long winded this inspired me to wage light, just at the right moment as I had been working through some stuff...I love that last line...smiles and thank you x
https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=10151896387028140&id=96402508139¬if_t=notify_me
Where I am it was 03.38 Friday 23rd August 2013 when I posted this...
Saturday, 6 July 2013
Dismal Facts of Claiming
Sunday
7th July 2013 04.44
I probably ought to be in hospital, a place I fear due to past experience. I also fear applying for a 'change of circumstances' with DLA. When I applied for it I was not well enough to self care or walk around my house every day. I had been too ill to reapply at the beginning of 2008. I was eligible if fairly assessed, nothing much had changed since my last renewal, if anything I was struggling even more and had far less help. I was also too ill to inform WTC straight away, as I was still desperately trying to earn a living as self employed. I had started getting panic attacks alongside the physical illness, especially when dealing with the system to try and access help. It isn't a kind system when you are at your most vulnerable and it has got even worse. I sent my renewal pack back with a letter saying how I am not well enough to do this. It was very upsetting.
About November 2008 I realised I was not going to be able to get out selling my art & crafts again, at least for a while. I signed off WTC and signed on to ESA. I had an assessment, the doctor was nice, he treated me with dignity, respect and as if I were not a piece of dirt. I doubt he still works for Atos. He recognised I was doing my best and struggling simply to self care well enough to keep myself alive. I had to go to back to work interviews that I often cried through and the advisor was concerned for my well being. She advised me to apply for DLA again. I faced my fears and filled in the forms. Again I got told no. I appealed and while waiting for the tribunal wrote about a massive panic attack I had while out and how wrong the decision was. I had a reconsideration granted without tribunal for low mobility. I would probably have had high mobility reinstated if it had got to tribunal. I was too battered by the system to challenge it.
2010 I had a WCA. I was shocked and had a breakdown when I was declared fit for work with huge discrepancies in the data, things totally untrue and assumptions that because I was not rocking I didn't suffer from anxiety. CAB helped me and I won the tribunal in 2011. It had very much taken it's toll on me. I suffered more than when I was raped with the incessant thoughts about being wrongly declared fit for work and when I physically suffered and struggled more the thoughts made it feel even worse. I got a downstairs single bed as sleeping on the sofa was not doing me much good.
When the forms came through again 7 months later I asked for CAB to visit again and fill the forms in for me. I had transco out about gas fumes on 3rd November 2011, they shut my heating off. 4th November CAB lady came. I had to leave my front door unlocked as I was not well enough to answer the door. Early hours of 5th November I had to have an ambulance. I was let out unable to self care 11.11.11 on warfarin, as they suspected a blood clot after I told them of the one I had in 1982. While I was in hospital I remember thinking and saying that if I was assessed in hospital they would ignore that fact and declare me fit for work. The weekly or twice weekly anticoagulant clinic was very stressful. I had to have hospital transport and a wheelchair in the hospital. Many times I felt so awful I would hide my face in my hands and cry.
I had found someone to go with me to my WCA appointment which was cancelled the day before. Then a new date 25th May the day after my birthday, I couldn't find someone to go in with me. I was rung about changing times on my birthday. The whole thing was incredibly stressful and harmed my well being considerably. It has also made it so I often don't answer my phone again. 27th June 12 I was in hospital again after another ambulance trip. 28th June 12 the decision maker rang me apparently but getting no answer declared me fit for work and my ESA was stopped that day. 1st July 12 I was sent home. 6th July I got the letter telling me I was fit for work and my benefits had been stopped.
CAB did the appeal for me as I was worried it would push me back over the edge into another mental breakdown. Mind & CAB support were vital and I felt so lucky to have some people taking care of me, if not the system.
This time sick notes were more difficult and far more stressful to get, even when I was quite seriously ill with breathing difficulties one doctor distressed me so much with his attitude that I cried for hours, had to fight the urge to stab myself in the arm with a Stanley knife and when I finally fell asleep I woke up after 2 hours of sleep crying again. He gave me a month, which meant another appointment and more stress I saw him again as I needed to face my fear of him and tell him how it had made me feel. I went in my pyjamas in a taxi as I was too ill to get dressed. I was not able to go anywhere that didn't have a nebuliser at that point. I was very ill much of July, all of August, September, October and most of November, then became more moderately ill again, so less days where I may need an ambulance and possible death featured.
I attended pain clinic via hospital transport March 2013. That showed me I had already learnt very well to pace myself and assess how much I can do, which is often very little as it is at the moment.
I won my tribunal and was put in the support group in May 2013. The tribunal were surprised I was only on low mobility and so was the CAB lady. The doctor at my tribunal apologised for the distress I was put through. Shame it won't stop it from happening again under the current system. The lady from CAB advised me to put in a change of circumstances I said yes but when the forms arrived I couldn't look at them or ask for more help I was having a bit better health for a few weeks, not good health, just not quite so awful and I was afraid it would make me worse again. As it happens I have had a demand for overpayments from the WTC from when I was too ill to inform them of a change of circumstance and from when I stopped claiming they said they had already paid £300 for that time after I started ESA to the following April and even though I informed them straight away I have to pay back money from when I was on WTC. That arrived just before my birthday this year. I know the system is not fair or set up to support vulnerable people, it is there to fill us with fear and make our conditions worse through the stress. So although I am currently so very ill again I am scared to apply for a change of circumstances as I am scared to give you another chance to abuse me and treat me like a criminal and actually worse than an abuser gets treated, just for being ill.
06.39 Peak flow 140 too soon to use another neb, unable to lie down, too breathless.
06.58 calming down a bit now while wondering if I should really post this and should I really send it to the DLA
I probably ought to be in hospital, a place I fear due to past experience. I also fear applying for a 'change of circumstances' with DLA. When I applied for it I was not well enough to self care or walk around my house every day. I had been too ill to reapply at the beginning of 2008. I was eligible if fairly assessed, nothing much had changed since my last renewal, if anything I was struggling even more and had far less help. I was also too ill to inform WTC straight away, as I was still desperately trying to earn a living as self employed. I had started getting panic attacks alongside the physical illness, especially when dealing with the system to try and access help. It isn't a kind system when you are at your most vulnerable and it has got even worse. I sent my renewal pack back with a letter saying how I am not well enough to do this. It was very upsetting.
About November 2008 I realised I was not going to be able to get out selling my art & crafts again, at least for a while. I signed off WTC and signed on to ESA. I had an assessment, the doctor was nice, he treated me with dignity, respect and as if I were not a piece of dirt. I doubt he still works for Atos. He recognised I was doing my best and struggling simply to self care well enough to keep myself alive. I had to go to back to work interviews that I often cried through and the advisor was concerned for my well being. She advised me to apply for DLA again. I faced my fears and filled in the forms. Again I got told no. I appealed and while waiting for the tribunal wrote about a massive panic attack I had while out and how wrong the decision was. I had a reconsideration granted without tribunal for low mobility. I would probably have had high mobility reinstated if it had got to tribunal. I was too battered by the system to challenge it.
2010 I had a WCA. I was shocked and had a breakdown when I was declared fit for work with huge discrepancies in the data, things totally untrue and assumptions that because I was not rocking I didn't suffer from anxiety. CAB helped me and I won the tribunal in 2011. It had very much taken it's toll on me. I suffered more than when I was raped with the incessant thoughts about being wrongly declared fit for work and when I physically suffered and struggled more the thoughts made it feel even worse. I got a downstairs single bed as sleeping on the sofa was not doing me much good.
When the forms came through again 7 months later I asked for CAB to visit again and fill the forms in for me. I had transco out about gas fumes on 3rd November 2011, they shut my heating off. 4th November CAB lady came. I had to leave my front door unlocked as I was not well enough to answer the door. Early hours of 5th November I had to have an ambulance. I was let out unable to self care 11.11.11 on warfarin, as they suspected a blood clot after I told them of the one I had in 1982. While I was in hospital I remember thinking and saying that if I was assessed in hospital they would ignore that fact and declare me fit for work. The weekly or twice weekly anticoagulant clinic was very stressful. I had to have hospital transport and a wheelchair in the hospital. Many times I felt so awful I would hide my face in my hands and cry.
-
05.34
Peak flow 140 using nebs. Writing this is affecting me but not
writing it is also affecting me.
I had found someone to go with me to my WCA appointment which was cancelled the day before. Then a new date 25th May the day after my birthday, I couldn't find someone to go in with me. I was rung about changing times on my birthday. The whole thing was incredibly stressful and harmed my well being considerably. It has also made it so I often don't answer my phone again. 27th June 12 I was in hospital again after another ambulance trip. 28th June 12 the decision maker rang me apparently but getting no answer declared me fit for work and my ESA was stopped that day. 1st July 12 I was sent home. 6th July I got the letter telling me I was fit for work and my benefits had been stopped.
CAB did the appeal for me as I was worried it would push me back over the edge into another mental breakdown. Mind & CAB support were vital and I felt so lucky to have some people taking care of me, if not the system.
This time sick notes were more difficult and far more stressful to get, even when I was quite seriously ill with breathing difficulties one doctor distressed me so much with his attitude that I cried for hours, had to fight the urge to stab myself in the arm with a Stanley knife and when I finally fell asleep I woke up after 2 hours of sleep crying again. He gave me a month, which meant another appointment and more stress I saw him again as I needed to face my fear of him and tell him how it had made me feel. I went in my pyjamas in a taxi as I was too ill to get dressed. I was not able to go anywhere that didn't have a nebuliser at that point. I was very ill much of July, all of August, September, October and most of November, then became more moderately ill again, so less days where I may need an ambulance and possible death featured.
I attended pain clinic via hospital transport March 2013. That showed me I had already learnt very well to pace myself and assess how much I can do, which is often very little as it is at the moment.
I won my tribunal and was put in the support group in May 2013. The tribunal were surprised I was only on low mobility and so was the CAB lady. The doctor at my tribunal apologised for the distress I was put through. Shame it won't stop it from happening again under the current system. The lady from CAB advised me to put in a change of circumstances I said yes but when the forms arrived I couldn't look at them or ask for more help I was having a bit better health for a few weeks, not good health, just not quite so awful and I was afraid it would make me worse again. As it happens I have had a demand for overpayments from the WTC from when I was too ill to inform them of a change of circumstance and from when I stopped claiming they said they had already paid £300 for that time after I started ESA to the following April and even though I informed them straight away I have to pay back money from when I was on WTC. That arrived just before my birthday this year. I know the system is not fair or set up to support vulnerable people, it is there to fill us with fear and make our conditions worse through the stress. So although I am currently so very ill again I am scared to apply for a change of circumstances as I am scared to give you another chance to abuse me and treat me like a criminal and actually worse than an abuser gets treated, just for being ill.
06.39 Peak flow 140 too soon to use another neb, unable to lie down, too breathless.
06.58 calming down a bit now while wondering if I should really post this and should I really send it to the DLA
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