My new cordless keyboard is marvellous. I am really restricted in movement ability so being able to type up my thoughts is a luxury I have been missing. The cordless keyboard makes it possible if not pain free. Hands are slightly spasming. I have typed a little more than usual. In fact that has made me realise why I have had such little body pain apart from the occasional spasms and cramps. Oh and the times I have had to sit on the edge of the bed unable to sit back properly and the muscles pulled coughing. With this last 6 weeks being virtually continual low end of doing well enough to not have to wait hours needing the toilet, to have enough breath to do so, to I may need to prepare mentally for the ambulance trip and a hospital stay. It has been a challenge to eat a meal every day which has not been possible and I've been hungry quite a lot of the time. But I have had to meditate, prop myself up relax, wrists straight, fingers and wrists supported. It's funny how so many of these things you wouldn't notice unless being asked in this bullying way of the WCA to justify why you 'think' you may not be fit for work. Where you fool yourself into having illness behaviour that going out to work can cure.
I have thought I am getting better several times and had to work hard to relax, which may sound counter productive but the way my body has reacted to lying propped up is bad enough, never mind lying down. I have been working through a cycle of fear, tense muscles preparing to fight or flight and a body screaming out to release the tension but also biochemically conspiring against it. The more stress the worse the triggers set off the constant chain reaction of muscles involuntarily tensing. I have been training myself to keep releasing it, but it is often a tall order.
My own personal way of being able to relax on top of conventional medicine has been meditation. Because I haven't been able to use my old way into meditation I have been using guided meditations which allow me to sleep. Sometimes I sleep as the couple of hours play out on a loop and wake up when it finishes, only to have to use it again to go back to sleep, how worked up I have got and how breathless on waking I am depends if I have to sit up and use a neb as well. It has been boring and exhausting and I have had quite a challenge to have a laugh once or twice in between the more uncomfortable and serious feeling bits. I feel glad I am alone because there are only 3 people I could do this and not annoy them for a short time, only one of those is likely to be able to put up with it more full time.
Luckily I am not this bad for this long that often, or I haven't been since 2004, I have had a lot of other symptoms, overwhelming fatigue, painful muscles, bones, skin, joints, cramps, spasms, ear infections, chest infections, booby cysts, oh the foggy head....not as much a problem since the new heating system went in but does come and go a little when tiredness gets extreme. Sensitivity to light isn't quite as frequent a visitor either.
This is besides my point. I was enjoying the distractions with less restriction that helps me get through the long slow hours of being able to do so little without feeling like I may need to go to hospital and often the first word I think for the place is prison. I try to bypass the resentful thoughts of how can being able to do this imply I am fit to work. It is something that helps me recuperate without being so frustrated. I am trying to recuperate without feeling frustrated while every effort I make proves me fit for work and I am seriously unable to self care at this moment.
I managed to change my pyjamas a few days ago. I didn't have energy left to flannel wash. I had done the day before and did the day after. I haven't washed my hair in over a month and my body, it;s about 3 weeks now. I quite liked the idea of going into hospital for a couple of days so I can be clean. It just hasn't been safe at home. The fact I survive this proves to the DWP I am fit for work. I have to constantly stop thinking that way because I know it has the power to make me worse. I think the ones who put us through this know this as well and I believe they are cruel.
The thing that prompted this bit of writing was my letters in a Scrabble game on facebook reminded me of an ex-lover. \my relationship pattern was a disaster and it often took me a few years to get over the more love of my life ones, like ooh gosh in my teens there were several, in my 20's too, sadly my husband only felt like that the first couple of years then we had another few years that ensured I really didn't like him for a long time, till I forgave him for being as wounded a person as I was, in a different way also dealing with it in a different way to me. After all he did change my life in good ways as well as give me an opportunity to fail in love. I pined about him for years, then another man to pine for. I was great and unrequited love. Many men who I unrequited my love for then went on to an apparently successful relationship, which I admit at times made me feel a bit ferking put out, not quite enough to make me eternally pout but it made me wail more than once, why me?
I had a phase of the pre-fertility goddess ex good friend called me that, as 3 blokes who were well into me had already impregnated a girl before we met, some did it after, that way was sort of kinder but neither planned to hurt me. The one of the men I had the best relationship I ever really had, which lasted 3 months. It made me wonder if I can do relationships at all. I have had many short time best at the moment friends. I have some long time will be friends no matter how much we fall out at times and I have people I grew up with who may never be close to me again. I have worked through a lot of fear of rejection and I still am working through issues around that.
After the last disaster and I don't include the last two almost started but never really began but could have been proper relationships that would have seriously driven me crazy, even more crazy than the years of hibernation and coming to love isolation after first really not liking it. Yeah after that, I have properly made peace with being alone, so no doubt some dozy bloke will wander into my web soon enough and I will like him enough to have a go at relating again and maybe he will like me enough to have a bash at it too. That will take care of itself in its right time. It would be quite good if I had some more energy by then so I can take up a new keep fit regime, one with some tongue in cheek.
I have been able to relax a lot more successfully this evening and although moving about is strenuous at the moment still I feel freer and that makes a difference. Like I have said in latest blogs my emotional and mental health affects my physical health in a profound way, it can be enough to put me in hospital or not quite bad enough which ensures a lot of invisible but the the few who see, suffering for me. It is not seen so it seems it doesn't count. It counts to me but I am working on not constantly justifying that in my head and needing to share that, or resent the people directly affecting the conditions that go towards that. It has become a habit because the atmosphere of fear is such an epidemic.
I don't know what the truth of reality is, we are lied to and manipulated by our system, some heavy shit is going down in our lifetime. Lots of people are awakening to many different dreams with often similar themes opposing views clashing, old foundations crashing, I tend to think compassion is becoming more fashionable, desirable and accessible if hard work at times cos we have to suffer fools, including ourselves and forgive to set free. I keep forgiving you and me, any you who has shown me where my energy is stuck as they mirror my shadows to me reflected with a different story.
I may be at a point where I can get into a bit of well being a bit more often, it is practise makes me human...
Oh I didn't want to admit but we often talk the talk a long time before we learn how to really walk the walk of love not fear. We get called up on it or called a hypocrite sometimes because our words are telling us where we want to be, or too much of where we are. We are constantly in change even when we look the same. I am breathing much better. We'll see how I progress.
I said more for those who don't know me, yet many who think they do, really don't. Yet it is likely the ones who read this know more than some who maybe think they do. That is something I've been thinking about too. How opinions can be held dogmatically refusing to be swayed by another point of view, no matter how true either opinions have got...I think I have run out of brain steam now and my hands will enjoy a rest...ouch my feet are cramping...time to meditate again...smiles
Wednesday morning at 03.58 12th September....
tried to put this on ano0ther blog about health but after failing capacha twice gave up...You seem to apologise for talking of your health. I do too often, I just have again in today's blog but I don't like talking about it and it becomes the only thing I can focus on at times. I wish you joy in finding your well being...smiles
I suppose the non well being is an important thing in finding our yes well being and the journey of our life is much about the non bit as well...can;t ignore it but need to let it go...I don't know just thinking in type...
Tuesday, 11 September 2012
Sunday, 9 September 2012
GBE2 #69 Impulse With Video
I read the prompt for this week as I pondered some wow thinking moments of clarity and so much sense of why this world makes no sense much of the time! I wanted to type it out but my mind was working far too fast for that and besides I am actually kinda ill at the moment. I am surprised to be able to type as much as this now but quite delighted. I am hoping when I am well enough I can develop more of what I am saying in this. It can be quite a journey having trauma and being ill, it can be an adventure into letting go of every concept you have held as true and working towards what feels more likely to be true, at least for me. We all experience this life we have individually yet hero and villain and all in between, we are all in this together. All it takes is us to to learn compassion, how hard is that?!
My example of how I found it isn't recommended...giggles and love and a fruck off to fear my love...see I am crazy but I love it and I even love the suffering I have gone through, in this moment. It led me to this blissful moment of trust I will keep learning and keep going and learn to do it with less suffering. I may moan about it tomorrow if it hangs on though....what we resist persists. Einstein has lots of interesting ideas, thoughts and theories I think should be taught in schools and the work of Jung. I also tend to agree with many artists who may or may not have had similar inner battles resulting in different experiences yet coming to profound truths about love and compassion and peace.
I think the truth has been so distorted by so many tangled up opposing views that the game of life is about cracking the code, if you wanna play it that way and seeing as mine felt like play it or die I went with play...
Anyway I rambled again...
the goup is on facebook here...
http://www.facebook.com/groups/209032889129479/
put one reply I couldn't post due to capacha problems on follow on blog to this...this is another comment I can't post due to capacha problems...mine doesn't have it does it?
I'm quite impulsive, but there is no right and wrong, I get myself into all sorts of trouble and sometimes its been funny and embarrassing sometimes more serious but unforeseen...life takes us down all sorts of difficult roads cautious or adventurous...we all have our own comfort zones, mine has got smaller the last few years. Whatever our boundaries, our personality we will face fear, the only time it is a problem is if it cripples us from being how we are by nature I think...maybe,,,smiles
My example of how I found it isn't recommended...giggles and love and a fruck off to fear my love...see I am crazy but I love it and I even love the suffering I have gone through, in this moment. It led me to this blissful moment of trust I will keep learning and keep going and learn to do it with less suffering. I may moan about it tomorrow if it hangs on though....what we resist persists. Einstein has lots of interesting ideas, thoughts and theories I think should be taught in schools and the work of Jung. I also tend to agree with many artists who may or may not have had similar inner battles resulting in different experiences yet coming to profound truths about love and compassion and peace.
I think the truth has been so distorted by so many tangled up opposing views that the game of life is about cracking the code, if you wanna play it that way and seeing as mine felt like play it or die I went with play...
Anyway I rambled again...
the goup is on facebook here...
http://www.facebook.com/groups/209032889129479/
put one reply I couldn't post due to capacha problems on follow on blog to this...this is another comment I can't post due to capacha problems...mine doesn't have it does it?
I'm quite impulsive, but there is no right and wrong, I get myself into all sorts of trouble and sometimes its been funny and embarrassing sometimes more serious but unforeseen...life takes us down all sorts of difficult roads cautious or adventurous...we all have our own comfort zones, mine has got smaller the last few years. Whatever our boundaries, our personality we will face fear, the only time it is a problem is if it cripples us from being how we are by nature I think...maybe,,,smiles
Thursday, 6 September 2012
WEEK #68 : Déjà Vu
I was almost relaxed enough to be able to drift into sleep, almost not enough. Not as bad as last night, last night I had an impending visit. I couldn't let go of the muscles that kept fighting to flight as my chest got increasingly tight and I couldn't breathe the air available to me. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even lie down flat for a moment.
As it happened the visit was empowering, another step towards making life more comfortable and living conditions that don't constantly jeopardise my health. She was caring, kind, understanding, knowledgeable, compassionate, gentle and didn't look down on me for having a dog that barked, a lot, for being unable to bathe for 2 weeks. She took the quote for the works to give me a roof that doesn't leak and floors that are even and possible to clean. She listened a little to me, she let me briefly express, laugh and cry and didn't look uncomfortable or desperate to get away. She was gracious as I thanked her for listening and said how I'd better let her go. She promised to look into any other ways she may be able to help within the limits she can to find any avenues to help me back on my feet, back to breathing freely.
Déjà Vu, thank you for not appearing today. Not in that particular way I feared it could but rationally didn't think it would. I had spoken to her on the phone and she didn't sound like someone who would look down her nose at me. I suffered the distress, alone unobserved. Fear making me worse.
The worst case of déjà vu that I have experienced was during a work capacity assessment by the dreaded atos the first time I found out first hand just exactly why they are so feared by the many of the most ill and disabled. I felt like I was in a concentration camp doctors office being picked for working to death or immediate death. In the second round of being declared fit for work when desperately ill this time not just unfit to self care, that feeling I pushed to the back of my mind as being silly seems more close to the truth.
It has been 5 weeks so far this time of being horribly unwell. More reminiscent of 2004. Last time they admitted me to hospital in June I agreed on a shorter smaller dose of steroids. I had steadfastly refused in many extremely vulnerable positions before after what they did to me in 2004. The acne and compromised immune system had turned me almost militant. I pissed doctors off, the words of one of the doctors treating me in accident and emergency for not allowing them to treat me in ways they think best. It is hard to fight the system and hard to fight our own beliefs to stay in a state of love and appreciation when hungry, dehydrated and unable to walk the few feet to my bathroom and kitchen between here and there. Fear seems like an appropriate response that makes matters worse. I've been here before. I have come back to love and fell back in fear, so many times. It's hard to explain. I have felt such a failure, for getting so ill.
I know I have the final say in the matter of how anything affects me. I also know much of that decision is made in the unconscious realms. I meditated and went deep inside. I still can't explain yet if I can understand what I am fighting within I can make my life better. I have to try to put it into words to understand it myself, so I can maybe explain to those who don't know. Many people with stress related physical, mental and emotional health conditions are encouraged by the system to become more ill. Let's look at it a different way.
Taking responsibility for my own health and life, my responses to it, not blaming others or things for the way I am is not an easy road to take. I find it hard not to blame the repressive system that makes matters worse. I find it hard not to feel hurt and angry with those who blame me for the way that I am, some also denying that it causes me very real suffering with less ability to take responsibility for the suffering, it isn't fair. I blame me too, which makes those who blame me seem really cruel, yet I am cruel to myself.
All the methods I use have been applauded by some and ridiculed by others Opinion divided by experts and laymen alike. It has been a slow process. I have cried so much these last few weeks. Some say that is feeling sorry for myself and quite frankly why shouldn't I when life is being so tough. I have cried for all injustice, not just for me, where ever the vulnerable are being treated unfairly.
A few weeks ago an old friend told me I just need a kick up the backside and I said I need support. In a way we were both right. It is a shock when people you think will understand think you are not trying hard enough. It hasn't been that I am not doing my best, it became a blame game, cos it's really not fair. If I hadn't had moments where love has carried me through to find my ability to do what I need to do, in fleeting moments, I can beat all the odds.
The energy of thoughts is so powerful. Positive thoughts can create miraculous re-missions. Negative thoughts can cause disastrous relapses. It could all end in too early a death. Better the tears a release that often leads me to laughter as restrictions release me from the grips of possible imminent death. How cheerful this is, you may see my dilemma or think I'm a fool. I often think I don't care what others may think but I do.
People get rightly annoyed when these tactics are used against a poorly person to encourage their feeling of failure. I do too and it lowers my ability to reach self empowerment. That to me is where the worst irony lies, as can déjà vu, learnt responses so hard to break through. I hate to admit it but it is my responsibility to raise my positive thoughts no matter how low I get or how many people kick me when I am down or how many offer me a hand with pity or compassion. Compassion is best, it can be easier to see how I can get to well being from here. When it is given, it helps me give it to me too.
Ah Déjà Vu.
I have been here before.
I may be breaking through.
I offered my fear and fear came to me.
Please let this be time for my love to flow free.
Each time I do that the help and support that I need comes.
I can focus on progress not get stuck in the quagmire of how it can be.
I will find a way to get through this and to explain one day the way responsibility works for and against us.
Maybe.
Meanwhile we all have different ways to get to the same thing.
I am learning to honour your way and mine.
05.35 Friday, 7th September 2012
I can breathe clearly when the fear has gone,
I can feel confident that I'll beat this thing.
I can walk to my bathroom without fearing death.
It's gonna be a bright Bright sunshiny day.
I can see the obstacles in my way more clearly, they are not as much the usual suspects I can be forgiven for thinking they are. The biggest obstacles are clouds of fear, with surprise at how that fear affects me. The Spanish inquisition nearly got me, fetch the comfy chair...I think for now I will leave it here and watch some Monty Python.
As it happened the visit was empowering, another step towards making life more comfortable and living conditions that don't constantly jeopardise my health. She was caring, kind, understanding, knowledgeable, compassionate, gentle and didn't look down on me for having a dog that barked, a lot, for being unable to bathe for 2 weeks. She took the quote for the works to give me a roof that doesn't leak and floors that are even and possible to clean. She listened a little to me, she let me briefly express, laugh and cry and didn't look uncomfortable or desperate to get away. She was gracious as I thanked her for listening and said how I'd better let her go. She promised to look into any other ways she may be able to help within the limits she can to find any avenues to help me back on my feet, back to breathing freely.
Déjà Vu, thank you for not appearing today. Not in that particular way I feared it could but rationally didn't think it would. I had spoken to her on the phone and she didn't sound like someone who would look down her nose at me. I suffered the distress, alone unobserved. Fear making me worse.
The worst case of déjà vu that I have experienced was during a work capacity assessment by the dreaded atos the first time I found out first hand just exactly why they are so feared by the many of the most ill and disabled. I felt like I was in a concentration camp doctors office being picked for working to death or immediate death. In the second round of being declared fit for work when desperately ill this time not just unfit to self care, that feeling I pushed to the back of my mind as being silly seems more close to the truth.
It has been 5 weeks so far this time of being horribly unwell. More reminiscent of 2004. Last time they admitted me to hospital in June I agreed on a shorter smaller dose of steroids. I had steadfastly refused in many extremely vulnerable positions before after what they did to me in 2004. The acne and compromised immune system had turned me almost militant. I pissed doctors off, the words of one of the doctors treating me in accident and emergency for not allowing them to treat me in ways they think best. It is hard to fight the system and hard to fight our own beliefs to stay in a state of love and appreciation when hungry, dehydrated and unable to walk the few feet to my bathroom and kitchen between here and there. Fear seems like an appropriate response that makes matters worse. I've been here before. I have come back to love and fell back in fear, so many times. It's hard to explain. I have felt such a failure, for getting so ill.
I know I have the final say in the matter of how anything affects me. I also know much of that decision is made in the unconscious realms. I meditated and went deep inside. I still can't explain yet if I can understand what I am fighting within I can make my life better. I have to try to put it into words to understand it myself, so I can maybe explain to those who don't know. Many people with stress related physical, mental and emotional health conditions are encouraged by the system to become more ill. Let's look at it a different way.
Taking responsibility for my own health and life, my responses to it, not blaming others or things for the way I am is not an easy road to take. I find it hard not to blame the repressive system that makes matters worse. I find it hard not to feel hurt and angry with those who blame me for the way that I am, some also denying that it causes me very real suffering with less ability to take responsibility for the suffering, it isn't fair. I blame me too, which makes those who blame me seem really cruel, yet I am cruel to myself.
All the methods I use have been applauded by some and ridiculed by others Opinion divided by experts and laymen alike. It has been a slow process. I have cried so much these last few weeks. Some say that is feeling sorry for myself and quite frankly why shouldn't I when life is being so tough. I have cried for all injustice, not just for me, where ever the vulnerable are being treated unfairly.
A few weeks ago an old friend told me I just need a kick up the backside and I said I need support. In a way we were both right. It is a shock when people you think will understand think you are not trying hard enough. It hasn't been that I am not doing my best, it became a blame game, cos it's really not fair. If I hadn't had moments where love has carried me through to find my ability to do what I need to do, in fleeting moments, I can beat all the odds.
The energy of thoughts is so powerful. Positive thoughts can create miraculous re-missions. Negative thoughts can cause disastrous relapses. It could all end in too early a death. Better the tears a release that often leads me to laughter as restrictions release me from the grips of possible imminent death. How cheerful this is, you may see my dilemma or think I'm a fool. I often think I don't care what others may think but I do.
People get rightly annoyed when these tactics are used against a poorly person to encourage their feeling of failure. I do too and it lowers my ability to reach self empowerment. That to me is where the worst irony lies, as can déjà vu, learnt responses so hard to break through. I hate to admit it but it is my responsibility to raise my positive thoughts no matter how low I get or how many people kick me when I am down or how many offer me a hand with pity or compassion. Compassion is best, it can be easier to see how I can get to well being from here. When it is given, it helps me give it to me too.
Ah Déjà Vu.
I have been here before.
I may be breaking through.
I offered my fear and fear came to me.
Please let this be time for my love to flow free.
Each time I do that the help and support that I need comes.
I can focus on progress not get stuck in the quagmire of how it can be.
I will find a way to get through this and to explain one day the way responsibility works for and against us.
Maybe.
Meanwhile we all have different ways to get to the same thing.
I am learning to honour your way and mine.
05.35 Friday, 7th September 2012
I can breathe clearly when the fear has gone,
I can feel confident that I'll beat this thing.
I can walk to my bathroom without fearing death.
It's gonna be a bright Bright sunshiny day.
I can see the obstacles in my way more clearly, they are not as much the usual suspects I can be forgiven for thinking they are. The biggest obstacles are clouds of fear, with surprise at how that fear affects me. The Spanish inquisition nearly got me, fetch the comfy chair...I think for now I will leave it here and watch some Monty Python.
Saturday, 2 June 2012
GBE2 Week 54 ~ Self
Ah Self
not on the shelf
alone with other people.
It used to feel that way
before I got to know
the me that was my self.
Know Thy Self
The message from
ancient world
ancient self.
I went inside to seek
healing that was deep
I'd fractured up my being
I really was not seeing
the I within I am.
Hurt by life and people
I hid myself away
I licked my wounds
I faced my fears in shadows
mirrors of other self beings
we all are a self of our own
and we are all connected by love
fragmented apart with fear.
I've been on a long old journey
I intended to share more of that
but tonight all I have is a feeling
of love that reached out
I embraced.
I embrace all I am
all that you are
Each self is
a masterpiece itself
When we realise the love
we are here to be
circumstance no longer matters.
The paradox here my friend
is that really isn't the end.
For when the fears gone
only love remains
and then it all flows
in support.
When you open the flow
all that's ready
will flow back to you
with Grace.
The times we are in at the time
are fuelled and filled up with fear.
When we learn to trust self
to make our mistakes
to learn and filter out
negative space.
As cosmic dust lands in my face.
I go a step too far.
Okay
it really is okay
I keep being who I are.
I wander near and far
visit memories that made me grin.
Past times that were so grim.
Mixed in a soufflé
with crispy bits
burnt edges.
Tasty is I may.
The grim bits and the best bits
make up a whole of me.
Memory mislaid cards
video, pictures, records of my past.
They will come to light
just as memories do
unwanted or with relief.
Once a memory is formed
it changes many times.
It may never be remembered
it may haunt our days and dreams.
The best thoughts are empowering
the rest are unfaced fears.
We may think we know the meaning
the top layer at least.
I delve beyond the hurt and pain
I no longer fear experiencing.
Even when it is excruciating
physically, mentally and emotionally.
It is a part of my experience
a blip in moments of time.
Some moments I have loved to the hilt
some taken for granted and missed when gone
some I didn't like, much if at all.
Moments where I felt
completely over-powered
futile dis-empowered
autonomy struck aside
battered bruised self.
Health too let me down
Can't breathe.
Why me?
Why?
Each bruise healed on my body.
Each breath I took was great.
I stayed alive
having faced death.
I realised I was more afraid of living
Than the release of dying.
All this pain
limitation
You'd think
I'd never smile again.
I meditated on life
learn to live life with joy
even when disadvantaged
in many conceivable ways.
This has gone on long enough
I hope you are well on your journey
To finding your self as love.
Elaine Edwards 00.33 Sunday 3rd June 2012
Oh dear I am just over half an hour late posting this although it is still Saturday in USA can I be excused for being late...I am just amazed I wrote this. I had written notes but that can be done another day. A piece of flow writing was what was what came out...after I had been delayed from starting by a beautiful phone call from old friends I had cut off from, telling me how I have been missed and how I am loved...
I have not been as able to be around old friends as i was...I needed some time to go deep and deal with pretty difficult circumstances...
http://www.facebook.com/groups/209032889129479/
rather hoping that was a link...my brain is a bit fuddled and I am tired but I am doing very well considering what has been my life experience of late...grins
I have just discovered 3 drafts I never got round to doing anything with. The changes led me to this. Blogger delayed me with changes but changes can be good ones!
Is ignorance sublime
hiding from time
understanding reason
experience we bleed in
finding understanding
hard work so tiring
facing all our demons
find they too are fearful
tis why they seem so evil
the opposite of live
worries of past and future
stop us living Now
hold on to pain
what is there to gain
which one is the brave
ignorant or wise
truth it is them both
I send you all my love
if you will stay afraid
not face the big divide
if you fight the fight
I admire new found light
if your light is in the dark
I hope you find your spark
I will shine my light
I will find my delight
attract more light
but what of the moth?
01.53 4th July 2010
An old one...but think I needed to remind myself...
Trust ~ GBE2 14th August 2011 When we first arrive in the world all we have is trust, we trust we will be fed and nurtured, at least enough to survive.
not on the shelf
alone with other people.
It used to feel that way
before I got to know
the me that was my self.
Know Thy Self
The message from
ancient world
ancient self.
I went inside to seek
healing that was deep
I'd fractured up my being
I really was not seeing
the I within I am.
Hurt by life and people
I hid myself away
I licked my wounds
I faced my fears in shadows
mirrors of other self beings
we all are a self of our own
and we are all connected by love
fragmented apart with fear.
I've been on a long old journey
I intended to share more of that
but tonight all I have is a feeling
of love that reached out
I embraced.
I embrace all I am
all that you are
Each self is
a masterpiece itself
When we realise the love
we are here to be
circumstance no longer matters.
The paradox here my friend
is that really isn't the end.
For when the fears gone
only love remains
and then it all flows
in support.
When you open the flow
all that's ready
will flow back to you
with Grace.
The times we are in at the time
are fuelled and filled up with fear.
When we learn to trust self
to make our mistakes
to learn and filter out
negative space.
As cosmic dust lands in my face.
I go a step too far.
Okay
it really is okay
I keep being who I are.
I wander near and far
visit memories that made me grin.
Past times that were so grim.
Mixed in a soufflé
with crispy bits
burnt edges.
Tasty is I may.
The grim bits and the best bits
make up a whole of me.
Memory mislaid cards
video, pictures, records of my past.
They will come to light
just as memories do
unwanted or with relief.
Once a memory is formed
it changes many times.
It may never be remembered
it may haunt our days and dreams.
The best thoughts are empowering
the rest are unfaced fears.
We may think we know the meaning
the top layer at least.
I delve beyond the hurt and pain
I no longer fear experiencing.
Even when it is excruciating
physically, mentally and emotionally.
It is a part of my experience
a blip in moments of time.
Some moments I have loved to the hilt
some taken for granted and missed when gone
some I didn't like, much if at all.
Moments where I felt
completely over-powered
futile dis-empowered
autonomy struck aside
battered bruised self.
Health too let me down
Can't breathe.
Why me?
Why?
Each bruise healed on my body.
Each breath I took was great.
I stayed alive
having faced death.
I realised I was more afraid of living
Than the release of dying.
All this pain
limitation
You'd think
I'd never smile again.
I meditated on life
learn to live life with joy
even when disadvantaged
in many conceivable ways.
This has gone on long enough
I hope you are well on your journey
To finding your self as love.
Elaine Edwards 00.33 Sunday 3rd June 2012
Oh dear I am just over half an hour late posting this although it is still Saturday in USA can I be excused for being late...I am just amazed I wrote this. I had written notes but that can be done another day. A piece of flow writing was what was what came out...after I had been delayed from starting by a beautiful phone call from old friends I had cut off from, telling me how I have been missed and how I am loved...
I have not been as able to be around old friends as i was...I needed some time to go deep and deal with pretty difficult circumstances...
http://www.facebook.com/groups/209032889129479/
rather hoping that was a link...my brain is a bit fuddled and I am tired but I am doing very well considering what has been my life experience of late...grins
I have just discovered 3 drafts I never got round to doing anything with. The changes led me to this. Blogger delayed me with changes but changes can be good ones!
1st February 2011
26th February 2011 Is Ignorance SublimeIs ignorance sublime
hiding from time
understanding reason
experience we bleed in
finding understanding
hard work so tiring
facing all our demons
find they too are fearful
tis why they seem so evil
the opposite of live
worries of past and future
stop us living Now
hold on to pain
what is there to gain
which one is the brave
ignorant or wise
truth it is them both
I send you all my love
if you will stay afraid
not face the big divide
if you fight the fight
I admire new found light
if your light is in the dark
I hope you find your spark
I will shine my light
I will find my delight
attract more light
but what of the moth?
01.53 4th July 2010
An old one...but think I needed to remind myself...
Trust ~ GBE2 14th August 2011 When we first arrive in the world all we have is trust, we trust we will be fed and nurtured, at least enough to survive.
Saturday, 7 April 2012
GBE2 ~ Week 47 ~ Home
I took that pic yesterday morning before I slept and wrote this whatever it is...for those who know me will know at times I want to go Home. But really at those times I am just grieving the fact I don't bring home to my human body. Long times of being in various states of unwellbeing get to me at times and the tragedy of my story, the things i can and can't talk about cause me to feel pain, through my fear of further discomfort through loss of what I want to feel happy with life. Not always frivolous things, sometimes essential like ability to process oxygen through the breathing process, sometimes I would fail exams on that one.
I see home as a place we dwell that feels safe and comfortable, no matter what it looks like tatty or chic or lavish, a place we can forget the discomfort of being alive brings. I also see home as the place we go when we leave the flesh behind when we have done all we are here to do. When the place I am dwelling feels most home I feel less wanting to go to the other home. The ideal is making/creating/experiencing comfort where we dwell the body in which our spirit resides and the place where that body resides and where it visits, where ever here is now.
I was just going to write a quick poem but that didn't flow...it is 06.52 as i write this and after a lot of expressing stuff on facebook I may be all out of stuff to say now...
Home
is where the love is
last night the moon hid behind the clouds
I wanted to bask in its silvery light
feel the energy of the moon
leave it to cleanse my soul
a job I can do myself
I knew it was there
I just couldn't see it, feel it
veiled impenetrable
beyond my eyesight
fooling my reality into
seeing being believing
Knowing is feeling
feeling is knowing
the love of home
no matter if you can see it with your eyes
I understood for a moment
how thick the veil can be
and matter not a jot
how thin as well
yet nothing can get through
Home is where the heart is
the soul, the joy, the love.
Home is here and there
Home is every where
Home is in me
Home is in you
it may even be on the moon
when hidden behind the veil
or where moon beams shine on me
on my sunny side under the tree....
07.04
Dunno maybe should have left it! But I enjoyed it anyway...I'll maybe cringe when I look back...
Monday, 12 March 2012
Shenanigans of 'Us & Them' GBE2 WEEK #43 (3-11-12 to 3-17-12)
I've set intention...
hmmm just wrote something in my journal that I am considering blogging (first time i have done that for a long time, although there is one I didn't have the right time and energy to type up a few days ago, which may or may not....sorry). I am pretty sure it could quite loosely and firmly come under the title of She...damn how do you spell it....scrolls up to copy paste...Shenanigans....mmm
All I have to do is type up my journal, maybe even just as is...not done this for probably over a year...I like it...
20.56 Monday 12th March 2012
One thing life has taught me, is to not take it far too seriously.
Especially when it is serious.
Moments where I have seen the horror on a loved ones face as they thought I may not make it much past this moment.
Moments I have been alone with no witness to a moment I may die.
The moment sat on the loo, being administered oxygen and nebuliser by two (lovely) ambulance men around the bathroom door, just managing to hang on to live, to wipe and flush another day.
(As well, just in case you are wondering.)
That kind of moment, all thoughts of other serious matters, like will I have financial means to keep living until I maybe can start recovering enough to live my dreams. If I can't do the work that my health has prevented me from doing, that I could do in my own time and in my own home, then I can't see how I could be fit enough to go out and do a full weeks work for anyone else. I have passion for the work my body has stopped me doing for so long. I look forward to the day i can attempt to paint a canvass again, or even work at a desk.
At a moment like that even a night or more in hospital isn't important, it is merely getting the next breath and keeping the safety of an oxygen mask, until I can breathe alone again.
I am still hopeful that I will be able to build myself back up again to doing that as I continue to work towards the health to get back out selling my art & crafts. Which is also a part of my rehabilitation ~ art therapy to help me build strength, self worth and confidence after a long isolation with very poor health and a damaged, damaging environment.
I did it until I couldn't any more. I've got close to being able to do so again. I've been perilously close to dying and often long periods of following weakness, often suffering with malnutrition. All the time working on my mental, emotional and physical well being. Meditation helped me, along side other things, to find peace among the chaos, in all sorts of states of being. From ~ somehow clinging onto life to clinging onto motivations to live through this incredibly painful and difficult time. I only lost faith in ever decreasing moments that one day I will be able to maintain my health well enough to maintain my financial life, my home and my own health. It is ambitious and at times has seemed impossible.
I've learnt to have compassion for myself. As I heal on all levels, in each phase, I can laugh at the horror of taking it all so very seriously and the shenanigans of the power struggle that is being played off/out, each against the other that is going on in each of our individual lives and collectively. We all can learn to lighten up and work together. I remember ~ I am still here, still breathing, still living. *1
I am still having many difficulties to find ways through but I am alive and i have survived through so much. My life could be described as pretty dire but it isn't as dire as it has been right now, it may get so again. I probably won't enjoy it as much as an easy life in some ways. Yet i may enjoy it even more because the contrast can be so massively drastic. Bearing in mind that I usually understate things, such as how uncomfortable facing possible death can be, that may give you a clue as to how joyful simple things can be for me, or it may not.
I love life.
Even with such hardship that i wouldn't wish on my 'worst enemy.'
Besides they have got their own inner demons to fight their own battles with life itself.
I wish for a system which would value any individual such as me, a genuine 'genuine' ill person and support us back to health. it may not happen in my life time. It may be the death of me. I may lose everything else that I haven't already lost or thought I have lost for a while, sometimes a long while. I may get better despite the system that was supposed to support enough for optimal health to be regained. I may be in need of more support, in fact I am. It may or may not be available, enough or at all for me to stay alive to become fit for work. At the moment I am alive.
I have learnt to trust, that until it is time for me to die, in whatever way it can, the Cosmos will support me, through the health or the help I need to stay alive.
Everything else is details.
Everything else causes me to have emotions and work out what these emotions mean to the story of my life. *2
*1 ~ unfinished need to eat, then type more but don't want to lose this so publishing now and will edit to add the rest...23.35 12/03/12
*2 ~ back to check on that kitchen 00.35 13/03/12 ~ 01.11 food ready - delish looking - eyes really hurting now, will abandon this until maybe tomorrow...I'll be back
Friday 16th March 2012 19.14
It's been a busy week, especially for this stage of recovery after serious and just relentless health problems. I will come back to this but as I know I have nothing left to give for the next few days in ability to type, especially from notes already written....so this will have to remain for now unfinished but I feel it still can be shared....I will come back to finish when I can...
hmmm just wrote something in my journal that I am considering blogging (first time i have done that for a long time, although there is one I didn't have the right time and energy to type up a few days ago, which may or may not....sorry). I am pretty sure it could quite loosely and firmly come under the title of She...damn how do you spell it....scrolls up to copy paste...Shenanigans....mmm
All I have to do is type up my journal, maybe even just as is...not done this for probably over a year...I like it...
20.56 Monday 12th March 2012
One thing life has taught me, is to not take it far too seriously.
Especially when it is serious.
Moments where I have seen the horror on a loved ones face as they thought I may not make it much past this moment.
Moments I have been alone with no witness to a moment I may die.
The moment sat on the loo, being administered oxygen and nebuliser by two (lovely) ambulance men around the bathroom door, just managing to hang on to live, to wipe and flush another day.
(As well, just in case you are wondering.)
That kind of moment, all thoughts of other serious matters, like will I have financial means to keep living until I maybe can start recovering enough to live my dreams. If I can't do the work that my health has prevented me from doing, that I could do in my own time and in my own home, then I can't see how I could be fit enough to go out and do a full weeks work for anyone else. I have passion for the work my body has stopped me doing for so long. I look forward to the day i can attempt to paint a canvass again, or even work at a desk.
At a moment like that even a night or more in hospital isn't important, it is merely getting the next breath and keeping the safety of an oxygen mask, until I can breathe alone again.
I am still hopeful that I will be able to build myself back up again to doing that as I continue to work towards the health to get back out selling my art & crafts. Which is also a part of my rehabilitation ~ art therapy to help me build strength, self worth and confidence after a long isolation with very poor health and a damaged, damaging environment.
I did it until I couldn't any more. I've got close to being able to do so again. I've been perilously close to dying and often long periods of following weakness, often suffering with malnutrition. All the time working on my mental, emotional and physical well being. Meditation helped me, along side other things, to find peace among the chaos, in all sorts of states of being. From ~ somehow clinging onto life to clinging onto motivations to live through this incredibly painful and difficult time. I only lost faith in ever decreasing moments that one day I will be able to maintain my health well enough to maintain my financial life, my home and my own health. It is ambitious and at times has seemed impossible.
I've learnt to have compassion for myself. As I heal on all levels, in each phase, I can laugh at the horror of taking it all so very seriously and the shenanigans of the power struggle that is being played off/out, each against the other that is going on in each of our individual lives and collectively. We all can learn to lighten up and work together. I remember ~ I am still here, still breathing, still living. *1
I am still having many difficulties to find ways through but I am alive and i have survived through so much. My life could be described as pretty dire but it isn't as dire as it has been right now, it may get so again. I probably won't enjoy it as much as an easy life in some ways. Yet i may enjoy it even more because the contrast can be so massively drastic. Bearing in mind that I usually understate things, such as how uncomfortable facing possible death can be, that may give you a clue as to how joyful simple things can be for me, or it may not.
I love life.
Even with such hardship that i wouldn't wish on my 'worst enemy.'
Besides they have got their own inner demons to fight their own battles with life itself.
I wish for a system which would value any individual such as me, a genuine 'genuine' ill person and support us back to health. it may not happen in my life time. It may be the death of me. I may lose everything else that I haven't already lost or thought I have lost for a while, sometimes a long while. I may get better despite the system that was supposed to support enough for optimal health to be regained. I may be in need of more support, in fact I am. It may or may not be available, enough or at all for me to stay alive to become fit for work. At the moment I am alive.
I have learnt to trust, that until it is time for me to die, in whatever way it can, the Cosmos will support me, through the health or the help I need to stay alive.
Everything else is details.
Everything else causes me to have emotions and work out what these emotions mean to the story of my life. *2
*1 ~ unfinished need to eat, then type more but don't want to lose this so publishing now and will edit to add the rest...23.35 12/03/12
*2 ~ back to check on that kitchen 00.35 13/03/12 ~ 01.11 food ready - delish looking - eyes really hurting now, will abandon this until maybe tomorrow...I'll be back
Friday 16th March 2012 19.14
It's been a busy week, especially for this stage of recovery after serious and just relentless health problems. I will come back to this but as I know I have nothing left to give for the next few days in ability to type, especially from notes already written....so this will have to remain for now unfinished but I feel it still can be shared....I will come back to finish when I can...
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
How Upsetting? GBE2 Upset
Upset the apple cart
my fault I was thinking of it before I slept
dreams of kissing thin lips okay but not great
so my apple cart was about to get tipped out of bed
with that came indignant anger
upset to be disturbed
a button pushed....
Many things upset us. Some circumstances or person can upset us in ways that make us feel upset and sad, upset and angry, and all sorts of other ways to feel upset. All those feelings come from fear of not being in control and comfortable. When I saw the title for this weeks Group Blogging Experience, I thought yes write a blog, there is plenty of time. I have been pretty ill and tired, aching all over. I could have chosen to be upset about that a lot more. I have the assessment looming, work to be done in my house, no heating at home, staying with my mum, insurance to sort out, my world is being upset like the proverbial apple cart.
We see being upset as a bad thing to avoid at all costs. Sometimes we need to be upset to rethink our perspectives but we get caught in the trap at being upset about being upset.
The apple cart was badly packed
uneven maybe even dangerous load
it was spilled all over the road
opportunity now to pack it right
make the burden light
throw out the dross
that makes us cross
or keep it just for fun
which makes me want to run
quick hide
cos I may lose identity
if I let what will to be
moments let go of fear
I surrender to being free.
The thoughts and events leading up to this I have shared on facebook, quite extensively. I will add a bit here...
smiles...I've written this in private but I will share it because it is how it feels and it is hard to explain sometimes how i can be...
I can feel the energy rising to allow me to go...I managed a bath last night and to sleep upstairs...
Elaine Edwards
and although I had to take it easy when I woke and had to put on a few clothes to come downstairs I wasn't gasping for the nebs when I got to my chair...
Elaine Edwards
I was just talking to her about the night i was able to go out after a bath...the weekend before I went into hospital November...
scalding my arm and being able to deal with the whole getting dressed thing as if it is never a problem...that always stuns me how that happens and it could so easily be seen as I'm putting it on the rest of the time to not be able to but the most recent hospital visit kind of makes sure that I can't be truely blamed of that!
Elaine Edwards
yes
Wednesday just over a week ago was a bit of a hard day and I had to wait for Dave to come and make sure Joey was restrained so ambulance would come in to treat me...I had to wait and it got a bit dicy, probably even more dicy in a way as I knew help would come but didn't know if I had left it too late for a while...which led to the will be famous being treated around the door while I hoped to make it so i could wipe and flush...never mind live to tell the tale, without blushing too much depending on who it is to!!!4 February at 16:41 ·
I have had the imagined conversations with the next atos assessor quite often but not constantly. Often I am quite cutting and on form when I imagine taking back my power and reminding them of the abuse they are trying to deliver to me.
I'm glad you survived the embarrasment!
Elaine Edwards
yes...it certainly has kinks in it at times!!!!
it wasn't exactly a moment of oh great this is happening...but it has provided some chuckles since...I was thinking didn't Elvis die on the loo?!4 February at 16:47 ·
bless you...it is all designed for us to face fears and realise they are not so scary...I was thinking earlier about people who don't realise they are brave because they are so scared, yet they are still surviving, no matter how barely and have the chance to let go of the fears as they realise it just hurts to do so...or something! Feeling a mite tired now and need to get back into the flow of energy....smiles xxx4 February at 17:15
just hurts to let them go but not as bad as holding onto them for a long long time...loved it and left this...We are different and the same...this is a beautiful piece of writing, explaining how you are giving yourself permission to be who you are, even though that can never fit into expectations of conformity. No-one has the right to strip away who we are, not family, friend, stranger, system worker or the media...hugs x
2 seconds ago ·4 February at 17:27 ·
I loved the feeling of, I could go. I was even still planning on going after the impromptu family gathering. I'd scrapped the idea of going home first to get my jeans on instead of the comfy leisure trouser things, that are bearable to wear for comfort. I don't feel comfortable in jeans for hours on end like i used to and all the trouble to go to the loo with them, the extra work. When you are just normal tired it can be a bother but when you can hardly move for weakness it drains on the miniscule energy reserves too much. I'm sort of glad i didn't go. I am really very tired now but it was lovely to spend an evening with my family. A rare treat.
I think it would have been good if I'd got there and I think I would have been safe as well as able to manage. I think the fact I can still think positively is what will bring me back to a physical, mental and emotional well being that has eluded me for years. There is more stuff to work through, my house will reflect the turmoil as it transforms back to being fit for purpose, just as my body does...it will happen because that it the way my life is unfolding and I am holding the vision, working through the doubts and realising my potentials as I move through this phase of life...Sunday at 01:20 ·
it is when positive thought becomes the most predominant that things have gone forward, then doubts and worries have held things up...but it has been a brilliant learning curve...smilesSunday at 01:24
there was talk of the learning curve being like a monster...think it is time to make a lochness monster with a pretty back that has spikes, peaks and troughs, they come and go in the merry go round of life and positive thoughts are always on the tail...smilesSunday at 01:40
Think I am going to go up to bed as well...before i fall asleep in the chair while I am thinking about going to bed...it was a surprise the other night to wake up about four hours later aching like a mofo!Sunday at 02:09 ·
I'm doing a bit better, I may even be okay to go out unsupervised soon...lol...it's been a lot longer than I had noticed since I have gone anywhere alone...or even anywhere apart from hospital and one visit to tesco when I tried the mobility scooter out, which was over a month ago. I need to get a life again...smilesSunday at 16:10 ·
Elaine Edwards Britain is going that way...it is scary...I guess I would have died already if I lived there though...here it is only a matter of time if I keep going the way I have...
Truth Theory
on what is the most spontaneous thing i have done...
Elaine Edwards some of my videos could be called spontaneous...in fact virtually all of them!
Elaine Edwards haha just remembered in my head for the first couple of days he was 'the other one'...I'd ask his friend what's his (= the other one's) name
I managed my bath, it got slightly dangerous but I managed to get out of the struggle, relax and breathe...smiles
helping me release the anger...just a bit upset about nothing much really now...reminders held in his words stopped me from holding on to it and boy did I want to hold onto that indignant anger at being woken up for no reason when if I had woken up in my own time I would have been fine and ready to do what I need to do...as it is I am having a bit of a sulk upstairs partly to make sure I don't unleash my anger onto the person who woke me....Also thinking of the privilege not appreciated that I gave to a person to wake me no matter how much sleep i had to spend time together...in would have been a Wednesday and come to think of it at the time I was woken.
my fault I was thinking of it before I slept
dreams of kissing thin lips okay but not great
so my apple cart was about to get tipped out of bed
with that came indignant anger
upset to be disturbed
a button pushed....
Many things upset us. Some circumstances or person can upset us in ways that make us feel upset and sad, upset and angry, and all sorts of other ways to feel upset. All those feelings come from fear of not being in control and comfortable. When I saw the title for this weeks Group Blogging Experience, I thought yes write a blog, there is plenty of time. I have been pretty ill and tired, aching all over. I could have chosen to be upset about that a lot more. I have the assessment looming, work to be done in my house, no heating at home, staying with my mum, insurance to sort out, my world is being upset like the proverbial apple cart.
We see being upset as a bad thing to avoid at all costs. Sometimes we need to be upset to rethink our perspectives but we get caught in the trap at being upset about being upset.
The apple cart was badly packed
uneven maybe even dangerous load
it was spilled all over the road
opportunity now to pack it right
make the burden light
throw out the dross
that makes us cross
or keep it just for fun
which makes me want to run
quick hide
cos I may lose identity
if I let what will to be
moments let go of fear
I surrender to being free.
The thoughts and events leading up to this I have shared on facebook, quite extensively. I will add a bit here...
To get there I have to do things I have been incapable of for a while again. But the energy is rising and as long as I can stay positive I know I can do it. 4 February at 16:21 ·
smiles...I've written this in private but I will share it because it is how it feels and it is hard to explain sometimes how i can be...
I can feel the energy rising to allow me to go...I managed a bath last night and to sleep upstairs...
Elaine Edwards
and although I had to take it easy when I woke and had to put on a few clothes to come downstairs I wasn't gasping for the nebs when I got to my chair...
Elaine Edwards
I was just talking to her about the night i was able to go out after a bath...the weekend before I went into hospital November...
scalding my arm and being able to deal with the whole getting dressed thing as if it is never a problem...that always stuns me how that happens and it could so easily be seen as I'm putting it on the rest of the time to not be able to but the most recent hospital visit kind of makes sure that I can't be truely blamed of that!
Elaine Edwards
yes
Wednesday just over a week ago was a bit of a hard day and I had to wait for Dave to come and make sure Joey was restrained so ambulance would come in to treat me...I had to wait and it got a bit dicy, probably even more dicy in a way as I knew help would come but didn't know if I had left it too late for a while...which led to the will be famous being treated around the door while I hoped to make it so i could wipe and flush...never mind live to tell the tale, without blushing too much depending on who it is to!!!4 February at 16:41 ·
I have had the imagined conversations with the next atos assessor quite often but not constantly. Often I am quite cutting and on form when I imagine taking back my power and reminding them of the abuse they are trying to deliver to me.
I'm glad you survived the embarrasment!
Elaine Edwards
yes...it certainly has kinks in it at times!!!!
it wasn't exactly a moment of oh great this is happening...but it has provided some chuckles since...I was thinking didn't Elvis die on the loo?!4 February at 16:47 ·
bless you...it is all designed for us to face fears and realise they are not so scary...I was thinking earlier about people who don't realise they are brave because they are so scared, yet they are still surviving, no matter how barely and have the chance to let go of the fears as they realise it just hurts to do so...or something! Feeling a mite tired now and need to get back into the flow of energy....smiles xxx4 February at 17:15
just hurts to let them go but not as bad as holding onto them for a long long time...loved it and left this...We are different and the same...this is a beautiful piece of writing, explaining how you are giving yourself permission to be who you are, even though that can never fit into expectations of conformity. No-one has the right to strip away who we are, not family, friend, stranger, system worker or the media...hugs x
2 seconds ago ·4 February at 17:27 ·
I loved the feeling of, I could go. I was even still planning on going after the impromptu family gathering. I'd scrapped the idea of going home first to get my jeans on instead of the comfy leisure trouser things, that are bearable to wear for comfort. I don't feel comfortable in jeans for hours on end like i used to and all the trouble to go to the loo with them, the extra work. When you are just normal tired it can be a bother but when you can hardly move for weakness it drains on the miniscule energy reserves too much. I'm sort of glad i didn't go. I am really very tired now but it was lovely to spend an evening with my family. A rare treat.
I think it would have been good if I'd got there and I think I would have been safe as well as able to manage. I think the fact I can still think positively is what will bring me back to a physical, mental and emotional well being that has eluded me for years. There is more stuff to work through, my house will reflect the turmoil as it transforms back to being fit for purpose, just as my body does...it will happen because that it the way my life is unfolding and I am holding the vision, working through the doubts and realising my potentials as I move through this phase of life...Sunday at 01:20 ·
it is when positive thought becomes the most predominant that things have gone forward, then doubts and worries have held things up...but it has been a brilliant learning curve...smilesSunday at 01:24
there was talk of the learning curve being like a monster...think it is time to make a lochness monster with a pretty back that has spikes, peaks and troughs, they come and go in the merry go round of life and positive thoughts are always on the tail...smilesSunday at 01:40
Think I am going to go up to bed as well...before i fall asleep in the chair while I am thinking about going to bed...it was a surprise the other night to wake up about four hours later aching like a mofo!Sunday at 02:09 ·
I'm doing a bit better, I may even be okay to go out unsupervised soon...lol...it's been a lot longer than I had noticed since I have gone anywhere alone...or even anywhere apart from hospital and one visit to tesco when I tried the mobility scooter out, which was over a month ago. I need to get a life again...smilesSunday at 16:10 ·
Elaine Edwards Britain is going that way...it is scary...I guess I would have died already if I lived there though...here it is only a matter of time if I keep going the way I have...
13 minutes ago ·
Elaine Edwards hugs...when I have got my house to be at least safe to live in again...maybe I will start writing...I kinda want to do the upset gbe this week...about the way ill and disabled people are abused by systems in so called civilised countries such as ours...the step I really want to be making isn't so about survival, I want to write from my experience, factual & fiction...
9 minutes ago · Like · 2
Elaine Edwards something that says about politicians having damaged vegus nerves...about the power of the mind and diet to get through things...how to break out of the fear...and I know a thing or two about how biological and psychological attacks cause us to further have immune problems...I see how abusive the system is, it is shocking but I must not let the fear and horror of it get me...if I can live through what I have already I must be able to learn to deal with the emotions and fear that can cause me to shut down my ability to breathe...putting me in hospital before the NHS falls apart and I am no longer entitled as I am not able to pay...
3 minutes ago · Like
Elaine Edwards I can do punctuation & grammer better when I am a bit better than I am now....I can at least walk about a little without it being actually dangerous now just got the pain in the body to deal with right now, that is almost a doddle!!!!
2 minutes agoYesterday at 02:31 ·
Truth Theory
when I saw the title I just thought how the truth is so essential for happiness, every part that has to be hidden to keep the peace or the feeling of dignity is another part of us we shut down or hide a part of us away...it can be very tough getting the balance right...cos society is oh so quick to judge, so more and more becomes things we must hide...it is a wonder anyone gets out of life sane...maybe the ones who keep the blinkers on have just learnt to be insane to fit in with an insane world...I'm feeling a bit bleaugh about it to be honest....smiles Yesterday at 02:40
on what is the most spontaneous thing i have done...
Elaine Edwards I suppose there are a few...somethings start with a thought....like I'm going to shave my head for charity...you know the rest a no5 and allergy to the bleach before it was dyed purple and the rest that follows may suggest that impulse was possibly not such a good plan cos who plans on disability and illness...i hate to admit I am often disabled...then there was the little pointers towards going to Turkey alone in 2007 and booking it the following day, now that was a fun adventure and so was fundraising for the hair thing...I have learnt a lot about healing through being sick and still working on it...maybe when I have cracked it I will have more answers...
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There are a few moments with some men too, some could be considered rash and ill advised...whistles, looks innocent...fails
Saying that all experience has given me more clues to who and what I am and what my life means to me. It may mean a few different things to a few other people but it is after all mine. I want it back and I am finding the way to do that....there may be a few steps to do that but I know it can be done. I can do this...15 hours ago
I realised a long time ago I can be persuaded to do absolutely anything, that I WANT to do...sometimes I can be persuaded to do things I don't want to but try to tempt me with things i don't want and I may get a bit irritated...15 hours ago
you wouldn't like me when I am angry....I can be a right cow!!!!
Elaine Edwards some of my videos could be called spontaneous...in fact virtually all of them!
17 minutes ago ·
Elaine Edwards and I sometimes look at them on youtube and think should I leave this here?!
17 minutes ago ·
Elaine Edwards I suppose many of the actual life changing things that have happened with me have been due to me listening and acting upon that little voice of do this or that...I established my relationship with my ex husband on acting on a thought...I'm bored...Fancy a coffee...
15 minutes ago ·
Elaine Edwards I was being hassled in the pub close to closing time, I turned round to my future exhusband and his friend and asked if I could talk to them cos of this bloke...they said yes and virtually ignored me but at pub shut walked me home as they were going that way anyway. At the corner where my flat was and they were due to depart I had the I'm bored thought and without further thought asked them in for coffee...they were snowed off the local RAF camp (now army). We drank a lot of coffee, ate toast, talked laughed and then after dawn I went to bed leaving them a blanket between them! They took me shopping the next day and we went out and all got a bit drunk, we got together than night...if I remember rightly I was still forgetting his name even then!
2 seconds ago ·
Elaine Edwards I wouldn't regret a thing, I would tranform into the between lives and probably start planning a return to another life...saying that the other day just before the ambulance men arrived I thought I may die before i wiped and flushed...it is humbling being treated with oxygen round a bathroom door and still it taking a while before you feel more confident that may not be the way you die and being quite happy about that! I have faced the moment several times the last few years. I reckon I have more to do before the actual day but when it comes I will not fight it. Fighting it hurts, so far each time i have surrendered to the possibility I have found peace and survived. I wonder how idfferent it will be the day I don't stay.
I suppose you meant what would you change if you survived more than what would you change in the last day...one day only gives times to change perspectives yet again...smiles...I am finding more peace and keep on moving in the right direction to make life more easily comfortable...
2 seconds ago ·14 hours ago ·
Elaine Edwards haha just remembered in my head for the first couple of days he was 'the other one'...I'd ask his friend what's his (= the other one's) name
A few seconds ago ·
Elaine Edwards I love the way fate walks all over us...lol
I've thought about who is the one? I haven't met him but I have met some that were close enough for a while...
2 seconds ago
Elaine Edwards I reckon there are predispositions...I wonder if I'd ignored him then would we have met again...it would mean I had different children and a different life...a friend I am no longer talking to made a huge impact on my life. I wouldn't have ended up having some incredible experiences over the last few years if I hadn't known her and met many through changes she brought to my life...she was someone I instantly 'knew' although we had to learn the details...and even now I sometimes know she is thinking of me and how, with anger or with sadness...I find the anger a bit uncomfortable...smiles
2 seconds ago 14 hours ago
Meditation is calling me and issues to sort out as my chest constricts and I feel a minor suffication as I let go of the tension I am holding to let go of...
Burp...classy gal me...grins
Elaine Edwards Smiles...I've been thinking of some past passion...I may not find more but I think I will...whatever happens it will be okay...never sated passion, so it is a kind of an ambition...alongside writing my book/s...thinking of wishing on the full moon my list of my desires...or something...just been meditating and may just sound like a mad woman but what the heck...smiles
Phew just sat out in the cold light of this February full moon...it is beautiful...the breathing has calmed as I worked through some energy work, there is more to come...
time for the epsom salt bath...I did wonder if bathing would be a dangerous activity tonight but I have worked through that blockage...for now...
I managed my bath, it got slightly dangerous but I managed to get out of the struggle, relax and breathe...smiles
I thought up all sorts of maybe not hilarious ways to describe my last apparently serious inability to breathe. Including the thoughts that went through my mind as I struggled for oxygen and fought myself in a battle for my life. I remember wondering if I lost consciousness what would happen, would they be able to revive me would they wipe my bum and pull my pants up? If I died would someone flush the loo? I smiled and laughed gently as I thought of what I just wrote. I clearly remember having those thoughts and the only regret I would have had was how undignified it would be for my son, witnessing something like that. No-one wants the story of their mums demise to be anything to do with poo and loos...
As I struggled with breathe tonight, had I not been able to calm myself there was the possibility of getting as bad as that. I really did panic more than I would like to admit to myself that night. I'd got myself calm while I was alone and had a fit like it sat in the comfy chair getting concerned at how much longer i had to wait until it was viable to get an ambulance. To be fair I was maybe in a worse condition, cold, hungry, thirsty, alone and had known it wasn't safe to go to the toilet for a few hours of needing to. I was also in a rationally unsafe position and condition. I was told I left it too long, which is why I became tachachardic (sp?). In the bath tonight I knew i was relatively safe. If the breathing got so bad I needed the nebuliser I could call my son, wake him and get help much more quickly anfter being far less time of finding it easier to struggle with the breath than let go, surrender to allow my body to breathe for me as it is supposed to do and does when there is no restriction, physically, mentally or emotionally...10 hours ago ·
Ah now I am sleepy...looking forward to see what dreams happen now...grins...nighty morning night...9 hours ago ·
Well it was all going well until I was woken up and boy am I in a bad mood now.about an hour ago ·
It is the cardinal sin to wake me up for no good reason!! It can instantly put me in a bad mood that stops me going back to sleep and leaves me having to let go of anger...about an hour ago ·
A Love Story ~ Mooji
helping me release the anger...just a bit upset about nothing much really now...reminders held in his words stopped me from holding on to it and boy did I want to hold onto that indignant anger at being woken up for no reason when if I had woken up in my own time I would have been fine and ready to do what I need to do...as it is I am having a bit of a sulk upstairs partly to make sure I don't unleash my anger onto the person who woke me....Also thinking of the privilege not appreciated that I gave to a person to wake me no matter how much sleep i had to spend time together...in would have been a Wednesday and come to think of it at the time I was woken.
This is making me see two things...when we try to awaken someone to look at the world from our perspective and they get angry with us, why do we get upset? We interupted their dreams, they would have been interupted anyway in their own time. We may see it as urgent and the other person is just irritated by our need to pass on information that could have waited for the sleeper to naturally wake up. Offer information but don't insist in pushing it at your own speed, allow another their own speed. about an hour ago
When we are angered or irritated, we like to hang on to that feeling and really get twisted up by it. Yet it is just a message to us to look at what is really making us angry. When we get caught up in games of anger and retribution we behave in spikey unpleasing ways. It is not a comfortable feeling but it is familiar. So we waste an awful lot of energy feeding the anger towards the event or person that pushed a button, even if they 'should have known better!' If it takes us a long time to get to the conclusion or we include an exchange of spikey energy to further distance ourselves from our self, we have really forgotten to look deeper and let go of control...he says on one of the ones I posted yesterday about buttons something about as you let go of the attachments you let go of the buttons...and fear the loss of identity...I may be getting the hang of this a bit more...grins about an hour ago ·
Nearly ready to appreciate the irritation, how annoying! Now I am laughing, it is so annoying to let go of righteous indignation. about an hour ago ·
And funny. about an hour ago
Upset?
Nah just living and discovering my identity, really has nothing to fear but fear of fear...grins
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