Being kind to myself and everyone I encounter, an ongoing thing that I will fail at sometimes but always have the new moment to do better in...or something like that...continues...
Monday I slept most of the day. The man who is collecting the information to see if I can have funding to repair my leaking roof and dusty concrete floors wanted to visit. I switched the ringer off the cordless phone and unplugged the corded one. I am breathing easier but I just could not cope with him visiting just for a short time. It is a stressful thing and besides I have been really very ill. I slept again later and woke around 1 am. I was able to eat again. I thought I would fall back asleep but I have been managing to relax and as I didn't want to watch anything new in case I fell asleep I went back to the start of Heroes yet again. Not needing to concentrate on it and letting my mind wander.
I was thinking about all sorts of things ambling around the concepts I have been exploring about life, reality, what's going on in my world and yours and ours. I was thinking about the history as stated on the BBC thing about the one woman from Africa, how we went from hunter gatherers to farmers, from tribal to the roots of civilisation, which has possibly always had some very uncivilised flaws. How human survival has always depended on us supporting each other. I read on a support group page how bad the symptoms are that a fellow ill person is suffering and how they feel unable to ask the doctor about it because they are worried about looking like a hypochondriac due to the high number of various symptoms they suffer with.
I was lying in my bed passively 'watching' the drama allowing all these thoughts free reign to dance about till they maybe formed an orderly queue to a so far conclusion about stuff. I was also admitting to myself I still feel less than or more perceived as less than for not being well enough to participate in life the way I would prefer. Although it isn't so bad when it is 'just' like it is now. I am not particularly rough feeling not well feeling but at a very slow pace I can stay comfortable with tiny forays into moderately uncomfortable, which before I become chronically persistently ill would have been considered considerably below par and now is considered pretty damn good.
I feel somewhat unlikely to be understood by most people, including the man who wanted to visit but not the lady who visited the last time. I felt more comfortable with her, the anxiety was high to meet her but I felt more understood and safe with her visit than most. Over the last 24 hours or so I have battled with myself to say I don't want to carry on trying to get this help that I need. I just want to move, which would be just as much work in many ways. I had gone into panic again about the work needed doing to move forward into a more comfortable environment, free of damp and mould. The dealing with people invading my comfort zone that isn't exactly the safest it could be and the work to clear the space for the floor to be fixed. It is daunting if you are in reasonable health. When you have been a borderline emergency for weeks on end and are now just the more usual quite good with plenty of rest, it seems somehow more daunting.
I also should go to the doctors to get a new note around 28th September the 3 months from the last one is up. I have been too ill to go to see about any further tests or chance of diagnosing something that would explain my multiple symptoms, not that I want to get a label for them but because it is demanded by the system we have a name for something for the symptoms to then be ignored in the assessments. I also read an apology from an ex-atos nurse who knowingly gave results on the tests that would have the 'clients' declared for work when she knew they were far from it. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/nurse-makes-heartfelt-apology-after-1340838
The nurse who did my assessment jumped on anything she could state truthfully that could make it seem I was fit and not affected by health issues. She also left things out and decided I was lying a few times so put her version of what she assessed me as. Saying that I try to think of my children seems to prove I never feel so overwhelmed I feel like ending it. It was a Friday I probably failed before I got there, she may well have given fair assessment to the maximum number of people to be awarded benefits that week. Oddly when it is a more life or death type struggle I tend to be more concerned with staying alive. Long stretches of feeling awful but not in a particular life threatening way is harder to deal with in many ways. Not that it is much fun being too breathless to eat or sleep. I guess it is no wonder I sometimes get a bit down. I prefer to make light of it all and enjoy whatever moments I can. They could be my last, we never really know how long we have so no matter what it is probably wise to enjoy as much of it as we can.
I was able to walk to the car in the early hours, it didn't start. It needs taxing by the end of the month. I've had 10 weeks back pay at assessment rates. Things I need/must/should do are piling up and I am still struggling to be able to manage daily basics.
I still haven't got to the point I was trying to make in the last one.
There is other unkindness that has been in my story. There are varying degrees of kindness with and without understanding. We are all ignorant as well as kind or unkind at times, sometimes intended kindness can be a bit cruel and sometimes cruelty can be sort of kind, I suppose. I may have to sulk a bit more about that before I can be thankful for some of it. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, especially when we allow ourselves to have our tantrum about it, sulk and pout and feel righteous, get up brush ourselves down, breathe ~ very important that one I can vouch for that, it is really really uncomfortable to not do that well, and keep going at whatever pace we can manage. I am going slower than average tortoise pace and that is okay. I am making peace with that. If anyone thinks it is not good enough, well that is their opinion and nothing to do with me. Actually probably a sign of how hard they may be on themselves, even if they indulge their own flaws, with or without recognising them.
I just remembered what I intended to start this off with. It was about the luxury of being able to be too busy to constantly ponder these issues, confronting the deepest fears, shadows and concepts of how lacking we are for what we can or can't achieve, have or do. I was also considering how we need to focus on what we can do to heal. We can't however ignore what we can't do. We can't function at a level that a person without many debilitating symptoms can if that is the way it is for us. With at the very least close to adequate financial, physical, mental and emotional support in many areas of care we can do more, be more. Although we may be able to survive some pretty harsh times and keep surprising ourselves at our resilience, determination and ability to process the resentment so we can at least remain kind to most who come into contact with us. I've been practising softening the feelings around the ones who have been cruel, for my own sanity and to take away their power to keep hurting me, through me harbouring that pain. Dealing with past trauma that way is helping now, it is a continued practise of staying engaged with living.
Another point I have been wanting to make is the many stories that state, 'I know this bloke who says he has a bad back and I see him doing this or that.' The way the lazy, scrounger rhetoric has been embedded as an excuse to hound all ill and disabled people really gets to me. Yes if it is daily seeing someone doing things that indicate they are fit may mean they are on the fiddle, occasional activity witnessed is a different beast. We never know how much someone else is suffering, we may look at them and think they are being a wimp or a fake. I know there are people who have seen me in that way, which is another reason I don't try so hard to hide my suffering and also understand I can never know how much or how little others I meet have or are suffering and ignoring much of it and hiding as much of the rest as they can.
Being kind was always something I aspired to. Knowing the effects of cruelty more intimately than ever I did before makes loving compassion feel even more necessary.
Practising always on the easy ones to love when the more difficult ones are beyond my current capacity and quite possibly visa versa...mutual keeping distances...makes it easier to forgive the resentments of why, when the reasons may make sense but the energy of it all is the thing that keeps the game in play. I've gone into vibrations without a reintroduction...I was lying having trouble relaxing the other night when I started thinking about the vibrations of feeling good and of the giggles I had shared earlier...my tension was exterminated and I fell into a happy funny dream filled sleep...which at 09.11 am I am about to attempt again now.
I don't think anyone really knows but I think I have some good ideas and I read other ideas that bits seem about right. I read a thing the other day saying I am an apocalypsoptimist, I lean towards that. We are in the middle of the shitstorm already but even if it gets worse before it gets better, it will get better...survival is for the most adaptable, not just the rich...kindness will be the new black but not just a fashion statement because the shit in this shitstorm sticks to cruelty kindness maybe is the metaphor for tin foil wrapping...winking grins...
...
Tuesday, 25 September 2012
Sunday, 23 September 2012
GBE2 71 ~ Retrospect
The very first thing that came to mind when I saw this weeks theme was this song...I can't find a way to have the videos play on here...other formatting problems meant only one section is black even though I changed all sections individually to black...I gave up trying to get it how I wanted it and left it as it is...maybe there is also a lesson in that?!
Some who read this will have known at some point that I shaved my hair to a no 5 and dyed the rest purple in 2003 for charity because I was giving Reiki to Nia who died age 21 in 2004 from leukaemia and as a slight asthmatic couldn't put my name down to donate bone marrow so decided to donate my hair instead. It was an amazing time which started a journey into my own experience of serious lack of health and what some would call the wounded healer journey. Some called bad luck and some thought of me as just being lazy and pathetic. Some thought in retrospect I would rue the day the impulse came out of my mouth and set the ball rolling for the bleach to cause me an allergic reaction which led to steroids, a shot immune system, acne and a journey that would see my life totally devastated. I won't go into all the trauma, it doesn't need vocalising at this point.
In the last few blogs I have talked a lot about my experience of being so uncomfortable the last few weeks unable to get into my well being and being quite a battle to relax into my suffering, which I can assure you was very real and oh so annoying, alongside being painful and difficult. This makes it even more annoying when things like the system to support people who are suffering or in need also seems hell bent on punishing me and people like me on top of the suffering they deny we go through. I also talked of how Heroes and guided meditations helped me. Although there is an amusing moment in one of those with all the excitement of being constantly reminded what it feels like to feel absolutely shit and close to a moment where life may be threatened, sense of humour was a bit subdued.
I was getting there. I had got to the stage where not only was I able to lie on my right hand side again I turned over naturally in my sleep without waking breathless and maybe in a panic if the movement to get to the nebuliser were too much. It really can make that much of a difference if I have to turn over and sit up. It fluctuates sometimes wildly. It makes it annoying that fluctuating conditions are seen as no excuse, so fit for work...I will not rant, I will not rant, I will not rant...I will use the following meditation to laugh...which has been a part of my continued recuperation since Tuesday.
I had a conversation on Friday about life, bastards who make our life difficult such as our worst enemy and the system. About what we resist persists, about how we break patterns, our shadow sides and I suppose the reality of the themes Heroes explores the shadow sides of the hero and the villain being not that much different but why will one keep striving towards the light and the other goes full into the darkness behaving in mostly unkind ways while others think they are the bees knees because they are clever spinners of illusions, stereotypes and/or propaganda. I'm still working it out for what I need to heal my own life and give my own well being a better chance.
Which is where I was when I read about someone who most people are condemning for bad behaviour and wrote the next bit just before I wrote this...
We
all have our battles and some are truly awful, when we maybe don't
behave how others want us to, people don't understand why. Kindness
always helps, after all we all know how it feels to have the opposite
thrown at us, not one of us is perfect...and the more we are punished
for not being perfect the less we are likely to deal with life so
well or the more ill we get...
I have been so ill since being declared fit for work again while I was in hospital in June...there by the grace goes any one of us...
I have been so ill since being declared fit for work again while I was in hospital in June...there by the grace goes any one of us...
I think we bring things to each others attention...often we don't get the message though because we don't see the shadow side of ourselves so clearly, we like to think of ourselves as better people and behaved than those who we like to look down on or be super critical about. They may be magnifying some of our shadow or even a mere snippet of what we do to very annoying levels...
I've
been thinking quite a lot about this the not being perfect thing and
how far from perfect we can all get at times and how lovely we can be
at others or even all rolled up into one moment.
Metta ~ be kind to everyone, you never know what they are battling...
Looking back can confuse us even more, until we start asking the right questions maybe? It seems to be getting clearer. There will always be change, fear will get me by the short and curlies again, I will keep working through and sometimes I will feel it is all too much. As long as I can cherish the love I have and will share, remember to laugh in the face of fear, somehow make peace within about the bastards who have hurt me and neutralise the ones who would continue to do their best to make my life hell by not letting them interfere with my relationship with myself and so making them feel powerful by leeching my energy. Being kind to myself and everyone I encounter, an ongoing thing that I will fail at sometimes but always have the new moment to do better in...or something like that...being continued....Being Kind
PS found out that Bruce Springsteen wasn't just born in the USA, he was born on my dad's birthday...so today is the anniversary of when I met Adam whose Bucketful of Hope I did the hair thing for Nia and my dad.
purple hair fundraising combo pic
Friday, 14 September 2012
GBE2 70 ~ Reaching Bottom
I have been watching Heroes from start to finish. I am on 3rd viewing, it has helped me relax and think about stuff that is affecting my health and keeping me in this long cycle of breathing problems this last few weeks. I have also found meditation videos to keep me coping in between. May sound a bit odd but it is working. Yesterday I was watching the episode where we see a bit of broken humanity in two of the bad guys and they heal something within each other.
I think the reason the show is helping me at the moment is through the fiction it shows very real human responses and it explores how circumstances add up to cause different characters to choose their next step. Swapping and changing between hero, villain, victim and the wavering of self confidence between feeling superior, inferior and accepted just the imperfection we are. We are all imperfect, we all inflict pain even with the best intentions in some measure. We all feel damaged by pain others have inflicted on us. We are all the only person who can hold on or let go and to let go we need to find peace.
I think peace is found in having compassion for all pain, ours and the bastards that nearly ground us down to forget we are the ones who are in charge of how we feel about everything that we hurt ourselves with, no matter who put the seeds in place. Some of those bastards see us as bastards too...
This morning I thought I was going to end up in hospital. After that episode (s3 e9) I listened to some different meditations. I was getting bored with the others and they were not helping, nor were the nebs. I was preparing to ask for help to go off in an ambulance again. Peak flow was between 130 & 150 for 2 days, they would probably keep me in. I snuggled propped up in my corner and relaxed into the meditation somehow both meditations played kind of competing and complimenting each other. Moving to sort it out was no option, moving into the corner was activity enough and I didn't want to panic. I let the meditations sweep me away into not being aware of my body and its muscle spasm antics, which seems to stop the spasms of fight or flight. It is not easy to let go of deep seated fear but it can be done.
Tom Keynon and Bashar. Both not to everyones taste but both helped me today. Bashar workshop for channelling on youtube and Keynon sound meditations on his site, especially the meaning behind and his singing of the 23rd psalm, which is all about our inner divinity and the battle of fear we play out within. It is working for me and that is all that matters right now.
I slept 12 hours. I even turned over onto my right hand side, which is a sign I am not as ill as I have been, the extra effort to turn round and sit up for the nebs can make the difference to how much of an emergency it is. I haven't slept deeply enough for weeks to move about naturally in sleep. For me trusting myself to make the right call is taking my life into my own hands in a more obvious way right now. I made a deeper peace with how much it is a process of suffering I have been through.
I half woke at one point and to describe it is difficult but I felt the rising fear and I let it go, surrendered to love. It felt surreal. I felt like I was comforting myself, holding myself together by allowing myself to trust in the safety of my deeper unconscious or something like that. I am not out of the woods yet but I am at a clearing. My peak flow has reached 190, the highest it has been for days. Moving about gently is not causing me to gasp for breath. I'm going to check out what walking to the loo does...I've been holding it in over an hour.
I just may have got to the bottom of this phase, if I have the only way is up with any steps backwards reminding me to trust my suffering and trust my process.
Part of that process is a loving compassion meditation I am preparing to do. Based on wisdom from Martin Neilan, who I reached out to in email while I was considering if I really needed another hospital stay, before I managed to go from meditation to a healing sleep and coloured by the healing nature of my dreams. I woke to the answer already feeling somewhat better.
In compassion I hold the image of each person I feel in conflict with or out of harmony with. I concentrate on the love and forgive the fear either side. I neither hold their responsibility for their well being in my hands nor give them my responsibility for my well being. Rinse, repeat as necessary.
I went to the loo before putting the finishing touches to this, which is to report I have had the first safe loo walk for what may be weeks. I dare to say I feel quite good at 00.58 Saturday 15th September 2012.
Smiles...
Wednesday, 12 September 2012
I Don't Fit In Many Places
Well after a long time of saying little and needing to retreat into myself to seemingly endlessly work on surviving, pulling my finger out, working through the endless fear that kept surprising me with my reaction or something like that...I have been busy typing things that I am thinking. Some people duck and cover when I do that and really wish I wouldn't. Some quite like it. I had missed that aspect of me but I know why I needed to close down and I sort of understand what I have been doing quite aside from experiencing life in my own unique way and working through layers of trauma while often in a very physical battle to keep going.
Today I have had lots of pins and needles sensations down my neck and back. To me that is a sign to meditate or let energy do its thing. To some that would be a cause for alarm and to confuse the doctor on the confusing symptoms that are quite common but not understood. I am wary of doctors and their medicines that need more medicines to counter balance the effects of that one and leave us more ill than when we started. That was my experience in 2003 onwards culminating in 2004 the year of living being dangerous and echo of that being experienced this year.
I wrote these bits and pieces, I wonder if more than one reading this will remember my old stuff...
Elaine Edwards answers not on a pastcard or a postcard but how I sometimes see it about the shizzle that we are being lied to about and the toxins we are being exposed to, in this particular instance in the sky...
I have wondered if that is a major feature in why I am finding it pretty tough going this breathing lark lately...about an hour ago · Like · 1Elaine Edwards yet at the same time my emotional reaction to the toxins of fear seem to be the ones that affect me the absolute worst. There are many real physical things attacking us but I believe the very worst is the psychological warfare aspect of it all. The physical toxins weaken us and the physiological may be what actually finishes us off. I guess in a way my experience of being ill is usually considered anecdotal. I thought I was going to end up in hospital again yesterday. My nebs were not quite reaching the spot I was exhausted from coughing and functioning at a range of 130-150 peak flow, very physical body discomforts at the extreme end.
I knew help was on its way, I meditated with help of a youtube video that has been the only thing I can use to help me get out of the fight or flight reaction I keep going into that have prevented relaxing and easier breathing between coughing bouts. I slept and woke feeling a little better, I was supported in many ways physically and emotionally yesterday. I calmed down and I am managing peak flow of 170, which while not great is good enough to let go more fear of more extreme discomfort in the immediate moment. The fear response can be exceedingly bad for our conditions especially when the very real physical effects are being dismissed by those in power of making life harder for us.
Awareness and not knowing what we can do about it can make us feel so very powerless and more scared about the world at war between love and fear a war that seems to have reached a fever pitch. I have been sharing blogs on my thoughts about this and part of me fears doing this as I can be seen by many as a *insert insult intending word here which may actually elicit a 'thank you what a compliment that you see me as weird cos quite frankly your views scare the sheit out of me' response depending on how sure I am feeling of my current perspectives* here!
Or something like that...
I have wondered if that is a major feature in why I am finding it pretty tough going this breathing lark lately...about an hour ago · Like · 1Elaine Edwards yet at the same time my emotional reaction to the toxins of fear seem to be the ones that affect me the absolute worst. There are many real physical things attacking us but I believe the very worst is the psychological warfare aspect of it all. The physical toxins weaken us and the physiological may be what actually finishes us off. I guess in a way my experience of being ill is usually considered anecdotal. I thought I was going to end up in hospital again yesterday. My nebs were not quite reaching the spot I was exhausted from coughing and functioning at a range of 130-150 peak flow, very physical body discomforts at the extreme end.
I knew help was on its way, I meditated with help of a youtube video that has been the only thing I can use to help me get out of the fight or flight reaction I keep going into that have prevented relaxing and easier breathing between coughing bouts. I slept and woke feeling a little better, I was supported in many ways physically and emotionally yesterday. I calmed down and I am managing peak flow of 170, which while not great is good enough to let go more fear of more extreme discomfort in the immediate moment. The fear response can be exceedingly bad for our conditions especially when the very real physical effects are being dismissed by those in power of making life harder for us.
Awareness and not knowing what we can do about it can make us feel so very powerless and more scared about the world at war between love and fear a war that seems to have reached a fever pitch. I have been sharing blogs on my thoughts about this and part of me fears doing this as I can be seen by many as a *insert insult intending word here which may actually elicit a 'thank you what a compliment that you see me as weird cos quite frankly your views scare the sheit out of me' response depending on how sure I am feeling of my current perspectives* here!
Or something like that...
6 hours ago · 20.01 Wednesday 12th September 2012
- Elaine Edwards really can't we find a more fitting and less useful word to use to describe them?1 I know this word represents the lowest of the low but they do not give immense pleasure...so they can't be considered the word literally...I can't imagione mine going into raptures around them....I can imagine my hands choking them...just a little before I pat them on the head and ask them what is it that makes you who you are...it can't be very nice because you certainly are not...
- Elaine Edwards I'm working on loving compassion...if you have seen the Pulling Special I reckon Karen's response to the bully she was dating would be justified but maybe not productive really...but the thought of DC tied to a chair with tampons in his mouth and ears...is all too comforting...I'm failing in my quest to be a peaceful warrior in thought...grins
I don't know what is really going on, maybe some out there do, but maybe none of us do in enough entirety to claim we know exactly what is what for everyone.
I reckon we will always all see it differently even if it was the same...maybe.
But what do I know?
What do you totally know?
For sure.
Having examined all the evidence and found your own conclusion not just blindly following the possible learnt lies from an expert who may or may not be misguided, mislead, or too scared to tell it how they see it really that doesn't comply with their expectations and the climate of belief in popular demand for being the truth of it. We often try to fit in and don't show a part of who we are for fear of rejection, which is upsetting, I can vouch for that as I publicly discuss notions I think be be close to the truth, that are not in the majority set of thinking patterns. Many others think along similar ways, some shout, some whimper, some whisper, some hide it from themselves that maybe they are shutting down a part of themselves to be accepted by the majority, which are not necessarily even over 50% there are many ways to view reality and illusion, dreams and themes and patterns and stories...
I don't know.
All I can know is what feels close enough for my right now perception of it.
I am making peace a little deeper with I don't know.
I may think I know and I may talk about it as if it is for sure the truth but I still don't know.
That is why life is a mystery and I love the magic of mysterious concepts of reality I can play with in my imagination.
This time spent being broken and all that has not been a waste of time. In many ways it has been amazing, just not in traditional ways. I don't see some of the things that are going on with me as purely ailment symptoms. I guess that is much to do with extreme healing crisis things I went through when being attuned to Reiki. Some healing work is painful, like the discomfort felt as a deep wound heals. There can be little difference in the way physical and emotional wounds feel while they are healing, how infections can set in and be healed or not.
I'm still working it out, what it all means to be, whatever we be, whatever makes me and you.
It isn't quite as much a struggle today. I appreciate that.
Some of the deepest wounds I am healing is the one of not healing quickly enough, to have kept in the patterns for so long to affect others in ways that deeply hurt them. It was the way my life was. Many of my mistakes have been my greatest gifts. Great gifts can be a huge challenge and consider us lacking. Obviously some of those gifts are people who are important in my life. While healing my wounds I have been absent in lives that may prefer I wasn't. I've wanted to hurry up and be okay to work on some bridges but I'm building solid foundations my end of the rainbow to a chance of relating beautifully...
03.38 Thursday 13th September 2012.
Tuesday, 11 September 2012
Reality Reflections of Truth
My new cordless keyboard is marvellous. I am really restricted in movement ability so being able to type up my thoughts is a luxury I have been missing. The cordless keyboard makes it possible if not pain free. Hands are slightly spasming. I have typed a little more than usual. In fact that has made me realise why I have had such little body pain apart from the occasional spasms and cramps. Oh and the times I have had to sit on the edge of the bed unable to sit back properly and the muscles pulled coughing. With this last 6 weeks being virtually continual low end of doing well enough to not have to wait hours needing the toilet, to have enough breath to do so, to I may need to prepare mentally for the ambulance trip and a hospital stay. It has been a challenge to eat a meal every day which has not been possible and I've been hungry quite a lot of the time. But I have had to meditate, prop myself up relax, wrists straight, fingers and wrists supported. It's funny how so many of these things you wouldn't notice unless being asked in this bullying way of the WCA to justify why you 'think' you may not be fit for work. Where you fool yourself into having illness behaviour that going out to work can cure.
I have thought I am getting better several times and had to work hard to relax, which may sound counter productive but the way my body has reacted to lying propped up is bad enough, never mind lying down. I have been working through a cycle of fear, tense muscles preparing to fight or flight and a body screaming out to release the tension but also biochemically conspiring against it. The more stress the worse the triggers set off the constant chain reaction of muscles involuntarily tensing. I have been training myself to keep releasing it, but it is often a tall order.
My own personal way of being able to relax on top of conventional medicine has been meditation. Because I haven't been able to use my old way into meditation I have been using guided meditations which allow me to sleep. Sometimes I sleep as the couple of hours play out on a loop and wake up when it finishes, only to have to use it again to go back to sleep, how worked up I have got and how breathless on waking I am depends if I have to sit up and use a neb as well. It has been boring and exhausting and I have had quite a challenge to have a laugh once or twice in between the more uncomfortable and serious feeling bits. I feel glad I am alone because there are only 3 people I could do this and not annoy them for a short time, only one of those is likely to be able to put up with it more full time.
Luckily I am not this bad for this long that often, or I haven't been since 2004, I have had a lot of other symptoms, overwhelming fatigue, painful muscles, bones, skin, joints, cramps, spasms, ear infections, chest infections, booby cysts, oh the foggy head....not as much a problem since the new heating system went in but does come and go a little when tiredness gets extreme. Sensitivity to light isn't quite as frequent a visitor either.
This is besides my point. I was enjoying the distractions with less restriction that helps me get through the long slow hours of being able to do so little without feeling like I may need to go to hospital and often the first word I think for the place is prison. I try to bypass the resentful thoughts of how can being able to do this imply I am fit to work. It is something that helps me recuperate without being so frustrated. I am trying to recuperate without feeling frustrated while every effort I make proves me fit for work and I am seriously unable to self care at this moment.
I managed to change my pyjamas a few days ago. I didn't have energy left to flannel wash. I had done the day before and did the day after. I haven't washed my hair in over a month and my body, it;s about 3 weeks now. I quite liked the idea of going into hospital for a couple of days so I can be clean. It just hasn't been safe at home. The fact I survive this proves to the DWP I am fit for work. I have to constantly stop thinking that way because I know it has the power to make me worse. I think the ones who put us through this know this as well and I believe they are cruel.
The thing that prompted this bit of writing was my letters in a Scrabble game on facebook reminded me of an ex-lover. \my relationship pattern was a disaster and it often took me a few years to get over the more love of my life ones, like ooh gosh in my teens there were several, in my 20's too, sadly my husband only felt like that the first couple of years then we had another few years that ensured I really didn't like him for a long time, till I forgave him for being as wounded a person as I was, in a different way also dealing with it in a different way to me. After all he did change my life in good ways as well as give me an opportunity to fail in love. I pined about him for years, then another man to pine for. I was great and unrequited love. Many men who I unrequited my love for then went on to an apparently successful relationship, which I admit at times made me feel a bit ferking put out, not quite enough to make me eternally pout but it made me wail more than once, why me?
I had a phase of the pre-fertility goddess ex good friend called me that, as 3 blokes who were well into me had already impregnated a girl before we met, some did it after, that way was sort of kinder but neither planned to hurt me. The one of the men I had the best relationship I ever really had, which lasted 3 months. It made me wonder if I can do relationships at all. I have had many short time best at the moment friends. I have some long time will be friends no matter how much we fall out at times and I have people I grew up with who may never be close to me again. I have worked through a lot of fear of rejection and I still am working through issues around that.
After the last disaster and I don't include the last two almost started but never really began but could have been proper relationships that would have seriously driven me crazy, even more crazy than the years of hibernation and coming to love isolation after first really not liking it. Yeah after that, I have properly made peace with being alone, so no doubt some dozy bloke will wander into my web soon enough and I will like him enough to have a go at relating again and maybe he will like me enough to have a bash at it too. That will take care of itself in its right time. It would be quite good if I had some more energy by then so I can take up a new keep fit regime, one with some tongue in cheek.
I have been able to relax a lot more successfully this evening and although moving about is strenuous at the moment still I feel freer and that makes a difference. Like I have said in latest blogs my emotional and mental health affects my physical health in a profound way, it can be enough to put me in hospital or not quite bad enough which ensures a lot of invisible but the the few who see, suffering for me. It is not seen so it seems it doesn't count. It counts to me but I am working on not constantly justifying that in my head and needing to share that, or resent the people directly affecting the conditions that go towards that. It has become a habit because the atmosphere of fear is such an epidemic.
I don't know what the truth of reality is, we are lied to and manipulated by our system, some heavy shit is going down in our lifetime. Lots of people are awakening to many different dreams with often similar themes opposing views clashing, old foundations crashing, I tend to think compassion is becoming more fashionable, desirable and accessible if hard work at times cos we have to suffer fools, including ourselves and forgive to set free. I keep forgiving you and me, any you who has shown me where my energy is stuck as they mirror my shadows to me reflected with a different story.
I may be at a point where I can get into a bit of well being a bit more often, it is practise makes me human...
Oh I didn't want to admit but we often talk the talk a long time before we learn how to really walk the walk of love not fear. We get called up on it or called a hypocrite sometimes because our words are telling us where we want to be, or too much of where we are. We are constantly in change even when we look the same. I am breathing much better. We'll see how I progress.
I said more for those who don't know me, yet many who think they do, really don't. Yet it is likely the ones who read this know more than some who maybe think they do. That is something I've been thinking about too. How opinions can be held dogmatically refusing to be swayed by another point of view, no matter how true either opinions have got...I think I have run out of brain steam now and my hands will enjoy a rest...ouch my feet are cramping...time to meditate again...smiles
Wednesday morning at 03.58 12th September....
tried to put this on ano0ther blog about health but after failing capacha twice gave up...You seem to apologise for talking of your health. I do too often, I just have again in today's blog but I don't like talking about it and it becomes the only thing I can focus on at times. I wish you joy in finding your well being...smiles
I suppose the non well being is an important thing in finding our yes well being and the journey of our life is much about the non bit as well...can;t ignore it but need to let it go...I don't know just thinking in type...
I have thought I am getting better several times and had to work hard to relax, which may sound counter productive but the way my body has reacted to lying propped up is bad enough, never mind lying down. I have been working through a cycle of fear, tense muscles preparing to fight or flight and a body screaming out to release the tension but also biochemically conspiring against it. The more stress the worse the triggers set off the constant chain reaction of muscles involuntarily tensing. I have been training myself to keep releasing it, but it is often a tall order.
My own personal way of being able to relax on top of conventional medicine has been meditation. Because I haven't been able to use my old way into meditation I have been using guided meditations which allow me to sleep. Sometimes I sleep as the couple of hours play out on a loop and wake up when it finishes, only to have to use it again to go back to sleep, how worked up I have got and how breathless on waking I am depends if I have to sit up and use a neb as well. It has been boring and exhausting and I have had quite a challenge to have a laugh once or twice in between the more uncomfortable and serious feeling bits. I feel glad I am alone because there are only 3 people I could do this and not annoy them for a short time, only one of those is likely to be able to put up with it more full time.
Luckily I am not this bad for this long that often, or I haven't been since 2004, I have had a lot of other symptoms, overwhelming fatigue, painful muscles, bones, skin, joints, cramps, spasms, ear infections, chest infections, booby cysts, oh the foggy head....not as much a problem since the new heating system went in but does come and go a little when tiredness gets extreme. Sensitivity to light isn't quite as frequent a visitor either.
This is besides my point. I was enjoying the distractions with less restriction that helps me get through the long slow hours of being able to do so little without feeling like I may need to go to hospital and often the first word I think for the place is prison. I try to bypass the resentful thoughts of how can being able to do this imply I am fit to work. It is something that helps me recuperate without being so frustrated. I am trying to recuperate without feeling frustrated while every effort I make proves me fit for work and I am seriously unable to self care at this moment.
I managed to change my pyjamas a few days ago. I didn't have energy left to flannel wash. I had done the day before and did the day after. I haven't washed my hair in over a month and my body, it;s about 3 weeks now. I quite liked the idea of going into hospital for a couple of days so I can be clean. It just hasn't been safe at home. The fact I survive this proves to the DWP I am fit for work. I have to constantly stop thinking that way because I know it has the power to make me worse. I think the ones who put us through this know this as well and I believe they are cruel.
The thing that prompted this bit of writing was my letters in a Scrabble game on facebook reminded me of an ex-lover. \my relationship pattern was a disaster and it often took me a few years to get over the more love of my life ones, like ooh gosh in my teens there were several, in my 20's too, sadly my husband only felt like that the first couple of years then we had another few years that ensured I really didn't like him for a long time, till I forgave him for being as wounded a person as I was, in a different way also dealing with it in a different way to me. After all he did change my life in good ways as well as give me an opportunity to fail in love. I pined about him for years, then another man to pine for. I was great and unrequited love. Many men who I unrequited my love for then went on to an apparently successful relationship, which I admit at times made me feel a bit ferking put out, not quite enough to make me eternally pout but it made me wail more than once, why me?
I had a phase of the pre-fertility goddess ex good friend called me that, as 3 blokes who were well into me had already impregnated a girl before we met, some did it after, that way was sort of kinder but neither planned to hurt me. The one of the men I had the best relationship I ever really had, which lasted 3 months. It made me wonder if I can do relationships at all. I have had many short time best at the moment friends. I have some long time will be friends no matter how much we fall out at times and I have people I grew up with who may never be close to me again. I have worked through a lot of fear of rejection and I still am working through issues around that.
After the last disaster and I don't include the last two almost started but never really began but could have been proper relationships that would have seriously driven me crazy, even more crazy than the years of hibernation and coming to love isolation after first really not liking it. Yeah after that, I have properly made peace with being alone, so no doubt some dozy bloke will wander into my web soon enough and I will like him enough to have a go at relating again and maybe he will like me enough to have a bash at it too. That will take care of itself in its right time. It would be quite good if I had some more energy by then so I can take up a new keep fit regime, one with some tongue in cheek.
I have been able to relax a lot more successfully this evening and although moving about is strenuous at the moment still I feel freer and that makes a difference. Like I have said in latest blogs my emotional and mental health affects my physical health in a profound way, it can be enough to put me in hospital or not quite bad enough which ensures a lot of invisible but the the few who see, suffering for me. It is not seen so it seems it doesn't count. It counts to me but I am working on not constantly justifying that in my head and needing to share that, or resent the people directly affecting the conditions that go towards that. It has become a habit because the atmosphere of fear is such an epidemic.
I don't know what the truth of reality is, we are lied to and manipulated by our system, some heavy shit is going down in our lifetime. Lots of people are awakening to many different dreams with often similar themes opposing views clashing, old foundations crashing, I tend to think compassion is becoming more fashionable, desirable and accessible if hard work at times cos we have to suffer fools, including ourselves and forgive to set free. I keep forgiving you and me, any you who has shown me where my energy is stuck as they mirror my shadows to me reflected with a different story.
I may be at a point where I can get into a bit of well being a bit more often, it is practise makes me human...
Oh I didn't want to admit but we often talk the talk a long time before we learn how to really walk the walk of love not fear. We get called up on it or called a hypocrite sometimes because our words are telling us where we want to be, or too much of where we are. We are constantly in change even when we look the same. I am breathing much better. We'll see how I progress.
I said more for those who don't know me, yet many who think they do, really don't. Yet it is likely the ones who read this know more than some who maybe think they do. That is something I've been thinking about too. How opinions can be held dogmatically refusing to be swayed by another point of view, no matter how true either opinions have got...I think I have run out of brain steam now and my hands will enjoy a rest...ouch my feet are cramping...time to meditate again...smiles
Wednesday morning at 03.58 12th September....
tried to put this on ano0ther blog about health but after failing capacha twice gave up...You seem to apologise for talking of your health. I do too often, I just have again in today's blog but I don't like talking about it and it becomes the only thing I can focus on at times. I wish you joy in finding your well being...smiles
I suppose the non well being is an important thing in finding our yes well being and the journey of our life is much about the non bit as well...can;t ignore it but need to let it go...I don't know just thinking in type...
Sunday, 9 September 2012
GBE2 #69 Impulse With Video
I read the prompt for this week as I pondered some wow thinking moments of clarity and so much sense of why this world makes no sense much of the time! I wanted to type it out but my mind was working far too fast for that and besides I am actually kinda ill at the moment. I am surprised to be able to type as much as this now but quite delighted. I am hoping when I am well enough I can develop more of what I am saying in this. It can be quite a journey having trauma and being ill, it can be an adventure into letting go of every concept you have held as true and working towards what feels more likely to be true, at least for me. We all experience this life we have individually yet hero and villain and all in between, we are all in this together. All it takes is us to to learn compassion, how hard is that?!
My example of how I found it isn't recommended...giggles and love and a fruck off to fear my love...see I am crazy but I love it and I even love the suffering I have gone through, in this moment. It led me to this blissful moment of trust I will keep learning and keep going and learn to do it with less suffering. I may moan about it tomorrow if it hangs on though....what we resist persists. Einstein has lots of interesting ideas, thoughts and theories I think should be taught in schools and the work of Jung. I also tend to agree with many artists who may or may not have had similar inner battles resulting in different experiences yet coming to profound truths about love and compassion and peace.
I think the truth has been so distorted by so many tangled up opposing views that the game of life is about cracking the code, if you wanna play it that way and seeing as mine felt like play it or die I went with play...
Anyway I rambled again...
the goup is on facebook here...
http://www.facebook.com/groups/209032889129479/
put one reply I couldn't post due to capacha problems on follow on blog to this...this is another comment I can't post due to capacha problems...mine doesn't have it does it?
I'm quite impulsive, but there is no right and wrong, I get myself into all sorts of trouble and sometimes its been funny and embarrassing sometimes more serious but unforeseen...life takes us down all sorts of difficult roads cautious or adventurous...we all have our own comfort zones, mine has got smaller the last few years. Whatever our boundaries, our personality we will face fear, the only time it is a problem is if it cripples us from being how we are by nature I think...maybe,,,smiles
My example of how I found it isn't recommended...giggles and love and a fruck off to fear my love...see I am crazy but I love it and I even love the suffering I have gone through, in this moment. It led me to this blissful moment of trust I will keep learning and keep going and learn to do it with less suffering. I may moan about it tomorrow if it hangs on though....what we resist persists. Einstein has lots of interesting ideas, thoughts and theories I think should be taught in schools and the work of Jung. I also tend to agree with many artists who may or may not have had similar inner battles resulting in different experiences yet coming to profound truths about love and compassion and peace.
I think the truth has been so distorted by so many tangled up opposing views that the game of life is about cracking the code, if you wanna play it that way and seeing as mine felt like play it or die I went with play...
Anyway I rambled again...
the goup is on facebook here...
http://www.facebook.com/groups/209032889129479/
put one reply I couldn't post due to capacha problems on follow on blog to this...this is another comment I can't post due to capacha problems...mine doesn't have it does it?
I'm quite impulsive, but there is no right and wrong, I get myself into all sorts of trouble and sometimes its been funny and embarrassing sometimes more serious but unforeseen...life takes us down all sorts of difficult roads cautious or adventurous...we all have our own comfort zones, mine has got smaller the last few years. Whatever our boundaries, our personality we will face fear, the only time it is a problem is if it cripples us from being how we are by nature I think...maybe,,,smiles
Thursday, 6 September 2012
WEEK #68 : Déjà Vu
I was almost relaxed enough to be able to drift into sleep, almost not enough. Not as bad as last night, last night I had an impending visit. I couldn't let go of the muscles that kept fighting to flight as my chest got increasingly tight and I couldn't breathe the air available to me. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even lie down flat for a moment.
As it happened the visit was empowering, another step towards making life more comfortable and living conditions that don't constantly jeopardise my health. She was caring, kind, understanding, knowledgeable, compassionate, gentle and didn't look down on me for having a dog that barked, a lot, for being unable to bathe for 2 weeks. She took the quote for the works to give me a roof that doesn't leak and floors that are even and possible to clean. She listened a little to me, she let me briefly express, laugh and cry and didn't look uncomfortable or desperate to get away. She was gracious as I thanked her for listening and said how I'd better let her go. She promised to look into any other ways she may be able to help within the limits she can to find any avenues to help me back on my feet, back to breathing freely.
Déjà Vu, thank you for not appearing today. Not in that particular way I feared it could but rationally didn't think it would. I had spoken to her on the phone and she didn't sound like someone who would look down her nose at me. I suffered the distress, alone unobserved. Fear making me worse.
The worst case of déjà vu that I have experienced was during a work capacity assessment by the dreaded atos the first time I found out first hand just exactly why they are so feared by the many of the most ill and disabled. I felt like I was in a concentration camp doctors office being picked for working to death or immediate death. In the second round of being declared fit for work when desperately ill this time not just unfit to self care, that feeling I pushed to the back of my mind as being silly seems more close to the truth.
It has been 5 weeks so far this time of being horribly unwell. More reminiscent of 2004. Last time they admitted me to hospital in June I agreed on a shorter smaller dose of steroids. I had steadfastly refused in many extremely vulnerable positions before after what they did to me in 2004. The acne and compromised immune system had turned me almost militant. I pissed doctors off, the words of one of the doctors treating me in accident and emergency for not allowing them to treat me in ways they think best. It is hard to fight the system and hard to fight our own beliefs to stay in a state of love and appreciation when hungry, dehydrated and unable to walk the few feet to my bathroom and kitchen between here and there. Fear seems like an appropriate response that makes matters worse. I've been here before. I have come back to love and fell back in fear, so many times. It's hard to explain. I have felt such a failure, for getting so ill.
I know I have the final say in the matter of how anything affects me. I also know much of that decision is made in the unconscious realms. I meditated and went deep inside. I still can't explain yet if I can understand what I am fighting within I can make my life better. I have to try to put it into words to understand it myself, so I can maybe explain to those who don't know. Many people with stress related physical, mental and emotional health conditions are encouraged by the system to become more ill. Let's look at it a different way.
Taking responsibility for my own health and life, my responses to it, not blaming others or things for the way I am is not an easy road to take. I find it hard not to blame the repressive system that makes matters worse. I find it hard not to feel hurt and angry with those who blame me for the way that I am, some also denying that it causes me very real suffering with less ability to take responsibility for the suffering, it isn't fair. I blame me too, which makes those who blame me seem really cruel, yet I am cruel to myself.
All the methods I use have been applauded by some and ridiculed by others Opinion divided by experts and laymen alike. It has been a slow process. I have cried so much these last few weeks. Some say that is feeling sorry for myself and quite frankly why shouldn't I when life is being so tough. I have cried for all injustice, not just for me, where ever the vulnerable are being treated unfairly.
A few weeks ago an old friend told me I just need a kick up the backside and I said I need support. In a way we were both right. It is a shock when people you think will understand think you are not trying hard enough. It hasn't been that I am not doing my best, it became a blame game, cos it's really not fair. If I hadn't had moments where love has carried me through to find my ability to do what I need to do, in fleeting moments, I can beat all the odds.
The energy of thoughts is so powerful. Positive thoughts can create miraculous re-missions. Negative thoughts can cause disastrous relapses. It could all end in too early a death. Better the tears a release that often leads me to laughter as restrictions release me from the grips of possible imminent death. How cheerful this is, you may see my dilemma or think I'm a fool. I often think I don't care what others may think but I do.
People get rightly annoyed when these tactics are used against a poorly person to encourage their feeling of failure. I do too and it lowers my ability to reach self empowerment. That to me is where the worst irony lies, as can déjà vu, learnt responses so hard to break through. I hate to admit it but it is my responsibility to raise my positive thoughts no matter how low I get or how many people kick me when I am down or how many offer me a hand with pity or compassion. Compassion is best, it can be easier to see how I can get to well being from here. When it is given, it helps me give it to me too.
Ah Déjà Vu.
I have been here before.
I may be breaking through.
I offered my fear and fear came to me.
Please let this be time for my love to flow free.
Each time I do that the help and support that I need comes.
I can focus on progress not get stuck in the quagmire of how it can be.
I will find a way to get through this and to explain one day the way responsibility works for and against us.
Maybe.
Meanwhile we all have different ways to get to the same thing.
I am learning to honour your way and mine.
05.35 Friday, 7th September 2012
I can breathe clearly when the fear has gone,
I can feel confident that I'll beat this thing.
I can walk to my bathroom without fearing death.
It's gonna be a bright Bright sunshiny day.
I can see the obstacles in my way more clearly, they are not as much the usual suspects I can be forgiven for thinking they are. The biggest obstacles are clouds of fear, with surprise at how that fear affects me. The Spanish inquisition nearly got me, fetch the comfy chair...I think for now I will leave it here and watch some Monty Python.
As it happened the visit was empowering, another step towards making life more comfortable and living conditions that don't constantly jeopardise my health. She was caring, kind, understanding, knowledgeable, compassionate, gentle and didn't look down on me for having a dog that barked, a lot, for being unable to bathe for 2 weeks. She took the quote for the works to give me a roof that doesn't leak and floors that are even and possible to clean. She listened a little to me, she let me briefly express, laugh and cry and didn't look uncomfortable or desperate to get away. She was gracious as I thanked her for listening and said how I'd better let her go. She promised to look into any other ways she may be able to help within the limits she can to find any avenues to help me back on my feet, back to breathing freely.
Déjà Vu, thank you for not appearing today. Not in that particular way I feared it could but rationally didn't think it would. I had spoken to her on the phone and she didn't sound like someone who would look down her nose at me. I suffered the distress, alone unobserved. Fear making me worse.
The worst case of déjà vu that I have experienced was during a work capacity assessment by the dreaded atos the first time I found out first hand just exactly why they are so feared by the many of the most ill and disabled. I felt like I was in a concentration camp doctors office being picked for working to death or immediate death. In the second round of being declared fit for work when desperately ill this time not just unfit to self care, that feeling I pushed to the back of my mind as being silly seems more close to the truth.
It has been 5 weeks so far this time of being horribly unwell. More reminiscent of 2004. Last time they admitted me to hospital in June I agreed on a shorter smaller dose of steroids. I had steadfastly refused in many extremely vulnerable positions before after what they did to me in 2004. The acne and compromised immune system had turned me almost militant. I pissed doctors off, the words of one of the doctors treating me in accident and emergency for not allowing them to treat me in ways they think best. It is hard to fight the system and hard to fight our own beliefs to stay in a state of love and appreciation when hungry, dehydrated and unable to walk the few feet to my bathroom and kitchen between here and there. Fear seems like an appropriate response that makes matters worse. I've been here before. I have come back to love and fell back in fear, so many times. It's hard to explain. I have felt such a failure, for getting so ill.
I know I have the final say in the matter of how anything affects me. I also know much of that decision is made in the unconscious realms. I meditated and went deep inside. I still can't explain yet if I can understand what I am fighting within I can make my life better. I have to try to put it into words to understand it myself, so I can maybe explain to those who don't know. Many people with stress related physical, mental and emotional health conditions are encouraged by the system to become more ill. Let's look at it a different way.
Taking responsibility for my own health and life, my responses to it, not blaming others or things for the way I am is not an easy road to take. I find it hard not to blame the repressive system that makes matters worse. I find it hard not to feel hurt and angry with those who blame me for the way that I am, some also denying that it causes me very real suffering with less ability to take responsibility for the suffering, it isn't fair. I blame me too, which makes those who blame me seem really cruel, yet I am cruel to myself.
All the methods I use have been applauded by some and ridiculed by others Opinion divided by experts and laymen alike. It has been a slow process. I have cried so much these last few weeks. Some say that is feeling sorry for myself and quite frankly why shouldn't I when life is being so tough. I have cried for all injustice, not just for me, where ever the vulnerable are being treated unfairly.
A few weeks ago an old friend told me I just need a kick up the backside and I said I need support. In a way we were both right. It is a shock when people you think will understand think you are not trying hard enough. It hasn't been that I am not doing my best, it became a blame game, cos it's really not fair. If I hadn't had moments where love has carried me through to find my ability to do what I need to do, in fleeting moments, I can beat all the odds.
The energy of thoughts is so powerful. Positive thoughts can create miraculous re-missions. Negative thoughts can cause disastrous relapses. It could all end in too early a death. Better the tears a release that often leads me to laughter as restrictions release me from the grips of possible imminent death. How cheerful this is, you may see my dilemma or think I'm a fool. I often think I don't care what others may think but I do.
People get rightly annoyed when these tactics are used against a poorly person to encourage their feeling of failure. I do too and it lowers my ability to reach self empowerment. That to me is where the worst irony lies, as can déjà vu, learnt responses so hard to break through. I hate to admit it but it is my responsibility to raise my positive thoughts no matter how low I get or how many people kick me when I am down or how many offer me a hand with pity or compassion. Compassion is best, it can be easier to see how I can get to well being from here. When it is given, it helps me give it to me too.
Ah Déjà Vu.
I have been here before.
I may be breaking through.
I offered my fear and fear came to me.
Please let this be time for my love to flow free.
Each time I do that the help and support that I need comes.
I can focus on progress not get stuck in the quagmire of how it can be.
I will find a way to get through this and to explain one day the way responsibility works for and against us.
Maybe.
Meanwhile we all have different ways to get to the same thing.
I am learning to honour your way and mine.
05.35 Friday, 7th September 2012
I can breathe clearly when the fear has gone,
I can feel confident that I'll beat this thing.
I can walk to my bathroom without fearing death.
It's gonna be a bright Bright sunshiny day.
I can see the obstacles in my way more clearly, they are not as much the usual suspects I can be forgiven for thinking they are. The biggest obstacles are clouds of fear, with surprise at how that fear affects me. The Spanish inquisition nearly got me, fetch the comfy chair...I think for now I will leave it here and watch some Monty Python.
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